Holmes Jokes
135 holmes jokes and hilarious holmes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about holmes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Crack up with some of the best Sherlock Holmes jokes, worthy of the legendary crime-solving duo, Holmes and Watson! Featuring jokes from actors Robert Downey Jr., Benedict Cumberbatch, Jeremy Brett, Robert Stephens and Edward Hardwicke, and even parody characters Rupert Harrison and Harry Potter! Laugh along with all the best Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson jokes from Carey.
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Funniest Holmes Short Jokes
Short holmes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The holmes humour may include short potter jokes also.
- So Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise...
Apparently she found out that he'd been in A Few Good Men. - Sherlock Holmes Sherlock Holmes is inspecting a bed. He says to Watson, "this bed is missing something." Watson replies "no sheet sherlock."
- Why doesn't Sherlock Holmes pay any income tax? Because he makes so many brilliant deductions.
- Watson found Holmes busily painting the front door bright yellow. "What on earth is that, Holmes?"
"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson." - Just wrote this How does Sherlock Holmes find out what TV shows are on?
He just asks Watson.
(Works better out loud) - Tesla, Oscar Wilde, and Sherlock Holmes walk into a bar. The punchline of this joke was patented and then hidden by Thomas Edison.
- I'm going to make a Sherlock Holmes game that is 12 inches long. I'm going to call it
The Games A Foot. - That is astounding Holmes! How did you deduce it was lithium poisoning that ended that poor chap's life? Element three, my dear Watson.
- What did Sherlock Holmes say when Dr. Watson asked him what grade an eight year-old was in? Elementary, my dear Watson!
- Watson: what is another name for the digestive tract? Holmes: Alimentary, my dear Watson.
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Holmes One Liners
Which holmes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with holmes? I can suggest the ones about holmes and watson and detective.
- Why are Sherlock Holmes' taxes so low? He's a master of deduction.
- What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally? Sheer luck Holmes
- Why doesn't sherlock holmes ever drink tea made in hospitals? He really hates more ER tea
- "Dad, look! I'm Sherlock Holmes' sidekick!" "You what son?
- Watson didn't make much money working for Sherlock Holmes Too many deductions
- I wonder if Sherlock Holmes is good at his taxes... He's great at making deductions.
- What do you call a cholo detective? Sherlock, Holmes.
- What does Sherlock Holmes do in the toilet? He de-deuces.
- What type of school did Sherlock Holmes go to as a kid? Elementary my dear Watson
- What did Sherlock Holmes say after being asked to get a paternity test? Watson?
- What is Sherlock Holmes' favorite kind of rock? Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
- Why did Sherlok Holmes like the Mexican restaurant? It gave him good case ideas.
- Sherlock Holmes got audited by the IRS. He had too many deductions.
- Where did Ronda Rousey learn how to take a punch? Holm School
- What did Holly Holm say to Ronda Rousey's date to the Marine Corps Ball? I hit that.
Sherlock Holmes Jokes
Here is a list of funny sherlock holmes jokes and even better sherlock holmes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Ordered a Sherlock Holmes game online... Received a podiatric prosthesis instead...
Must unravel this strange mystery.
The game is afoot. - Why did Sherlock Holmes visit a Mexican restaurant? Because he was looking for a good case idea.
- Why can't Sherlock Holmes solve ANY crimes in Alabama? He can't find any dental records, and all the DNA is the same for everyone.
- Sherlock Holmes enters Baker Street... ...with a basket of lemons.
Watson asks, "where did you get so many lemons from, Holmes "?
To which Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson." - After Sherlock Holmes received an amputation below the ankle, why did he call his new prosthetic "The Game?" Because, my dear Watson, The Game is a foot
- Dr Watson asks Sherlock Holmes... "Holmes, why are you spreading fruit juice on my buttocks?"
"Lemon entry dear Watson, Lemon entry" - Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons. Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?"
Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.." - A kid ask his slightly deaf father about Sherlock Holmes -Dad, do you know who was Sherlock Holmes' best friend?
-What son? - What did Watson say when he and Holmes got stranded on a desert island? "No ship Sherlock"
- Watson, Sherlock Holmes's faithful assistant, asked, "What's a ten-letter word meaning 'supplying nourishment'?" Sherlock replied, "Alimentary, my dear Watson."
Holmes And Watson Jokes
Here is a list of funny holmes and watson jokes and even better holmes and watson puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Say, Holmes, can you tell me... ...what could be the cause of this terrible indigestion?
It's alimentary, my dear Watson. - Holmes, someone has put miracle grow on this freshly dug grave. The plot thickens, my dear Watson.
- Watson asks Holmes What type of rock is this? It has many layers compressed together.
- Sherlock Holmes smeared lemons over Dr. Watson's backside "Why are you doing that, Holmes?" Dr. Watson asked.
"Lemon-entry my dear Watson", Holmes replied. - Doggy Sherlock Holmes was investigating a case... Doggy Sherlock: Any leads?
Doggy Watson: Yes, Holmes. Two.
Doggy Sherlock: Excellent, lets take them and go walkies. - How do you get Dr Watson out of a pub? "Come on now, don't you have Holmes to go to?"
- Sherlock Holmes, how is the periodic table structured? It's elementally, my dear Watson.
- Watson: But Holmes, how did you solve the case of the Rock Killer? Sedimentary, my dear Watson
- Why was watson a good mortgage agent? He works well with holmes
- What Did Gay Sherlock Holmes Say To His Sidekick? Alimentary my dear Watson, alimentary.
Katie Holmes Jokes
Here is a list of funny katie holmes jokes and even better katie holmes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did Katie Holmes get rid of her fancy car? She got tired of all that Cruise control.
- Why did Katie Holmes divorce Tom Cruise? She heard he was in a few good men.
- Why did Katie Holmes chose Jamie over Tom? Because Jamie Foxx.
Best Sherlock Holmes Jokes
Here is a list of funny best sherlock holmes jokes and even better best sherlock holmes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Who's the best detective in Mexico? Sherlock-Holmes
- Q: Who makes the best detective - Sherlock Holmes or a tax accountant?
A: The tax accountant - she make's more deductions.
Amusing & Witty Holmes Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about holmes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean smith jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make holmes pranks.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson....
...were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
Did You hear about the new Home Repair show for Gay men?
Its called Holmes on Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the fire dwindling nearby, Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".
Watson said "I see a fantastic panorama of countless of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe.
Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why? - What does it tell you, Mr. Holmes?"
Holmes: "Someone stole our tent".
Adventures Of p**...-Sherlock
How would you like your school girls today, Mr. Holmes?
-Elementary, my dear Watson.
Mr. Holmes gets into a car accident...
He arrives at the emergency room but there's a fair wait. So he get's some tea from the vending machine and it's quite good. Once his time comes he's brought in and admitted to a room. He's then brought a meal from the kitchen and soon calls in the nurse.
"Nurse, I can't drink this horrid tea!" he says.
"Well what do you want from me?" she asks.
"MORE E.R. TEA!!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Watson awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Holmes, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Holmes replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Sherlock says
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Watson?"
Watson was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Holmes, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!
What did Sherrock Holmes say to his partner?
Sedimentary my dear Watson!
Sherlock Holmes faced a tax audit because...
all his clever deductions made the tax office very suspicious.
Holmes is on the case...
Sherlock Holmes is investigating a m**... where the culprit had used a knife carved from Sandstone.
Dr. Watson finds the choice of m**... weapon odd.
"Holmes, who would kill another man with an Igneous rock?"
"Sedimentary, my dear Watson, Sedimentary..."
I wonder if Sherlock Holmes is good at his taxes?
His deductions are phenomenal.
What did the mexican say when the 2 houses fell on him?
Get off me holmes!
What do you get if you cross an alligator with Sherlock Holmes ?
An Investigator.
What do you call a smart mexican?
Sherlock, Holmes.
What type of rock is this Holmes?
It's sedimentary my dear Watson!
Sherlock and Watson go camping
Sherlock and Dr. Watson go camping. They pitch their tent and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson and says: "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes asks, "And what do you deduce from that?" "Well, if there are millions of stars," Watson says, "there must be some with planets, and some of those planets must be like Earth. And if there are planets like Earth, there might be planets with life." And Holmes says, "Watson, you idiot, it means someone stole our tent."
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are in a greenhouse when Watson says "Is that an orange bush, Holmes?"
Holmes replies, "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson"
So Holmes and Watson go camping...
After a long trek through the woods they pitch their tent and turn in. In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up and asks him "Look up in the sky. What do you see?"
To that, Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars"
Holmes followed up with another question: "What do you deduce from that?" to which Watson answered "If there are millions of stars, and even a few of them are planets, it means that there should be planets out there like Earth out there and if there are, that means that there is indeed other life outside of Earth"
Holmes looked him square in the face and said "Watson you idiot it means someone stole our tent!"
Sherlock and Watson take a vacation
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
Why did Sherlock Holmes not want a second cup of tea in the emergency room?
Because it was More ER Tea.
What did the construction worker say when the house collapsed on him?
"Get off me holmes!"
How does Sherlock Holmes go to the bathroom? OC
By process of elimination.
Why was Sherlock Holmes such a successful detective in Australia?
Because he had a good eye.
(Read out loud)
Who does Sherlock Holmes battle after ERT?
More ERT
What do you call an openly gay detective?
Surecocks Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out hunting some rocks
Sherlock picks up a rock, admiring it. Watson asks, "What kind of rock is that? Igneous?"
Sherlock replies, "Sedimentary, my dear Watson. Sedimentary."
Watson was hosting a party.
Sherlock Holmes, however, was upset when there was nothing to put his tortilla chip in.
"No dip, Sherlock."
"Holmes, why have you painted your door yellow?" asked John.
"A lemon entry, my dear Watson!"
Holmes and Watson were investigating a m**... at an archaeological dig-site
Holmes picks up several of the rocks and pebbles surrounding the m**... victim. After a while, Holmes turns to his companion and says "I've cracked the case. The suspect was clearly murdered with a blow to the head by a rock, which then crumbled and scattered into pieces."
"How on Earth can you tell?" exclaims Watson.
"It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are busy with yet another complicated case.
Suddenly, Holmes seizes a chunk of blood-spattered limestone from the ground.
"What is it, Holmes?" asks Watson, eagerly.
Holmes turns and replies, gravely, "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced: "The m**... lives in the house with the yellow door."
"Good grief, Holmes," said Watson. "How on earth did you deduce that?"
"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."
Where does pervert Sherlock Holmes pick up girls?
Elementary my dear Watson
What do you call a detective that's lucky?
Sheer-luck Holmes
They're making a Dracula vs Sherlock Holmes movie
They're calling it "The Stake Out."
What was the Jewish Detective called?
s**... Holmes
What do you call a detective who just got back from war?
Shell-shock Holmes
TIL Arthur Conan Doyle wrote a series of short stories about crimes committed by landscapers
He collectively referred to them as *Holmes and Gardens*.
What did the g**... say when his roof fell on him?
Get off me holmes.
So, where is your girlfriend from, Holmes?
Elementary, my dear Watson,
Elementary School.
What do Sherlock Holmes and a man on a toilet have in common?
They're both deducing.
What did John Holmes and Mr. Ed have in common?
They both like cornflakes.
Will Ferrell's new movie is so bad...
...it's the worse Holmes to happen to movies since James Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camped in the woods while investigating a case.
They go to sleep. Several hours later, Holmes wakes Watson. He says, "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson says, "Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that tell you?"
"Well, I think it means that we'll have another nice day tomorrow. How about you?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
Just wanted to share an old joke I read a long time back.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson once go camping. In the middle of the night, Watson is woken up violently by Sherlock. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." "The stars are shining so beautifully tonight." To which Sherlock replies,"No, you idiot! Our tent's been stolen."
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out hunting. Watson has a buck in his sights, when holmes throws a rock near it, and, frightened, it runs away. "What the h**... was that?!" He asks. Holmes looks at him for a second..
It sedimentary. My deer, Watson.
Sherlock Holmes and Watson went camping
They set up their tent under the starry night sky.
In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes up his friend and says, "Watson look up at the stars and tell me what you can deduce."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars, and if even if only a few of them have planets, it's quite likely that some of them are exactly Earth-like planets. And if there are a few Earth-like planets, there might be life."
Holmes then replies, "Watson, you idiot! Someone stole our tent."