Hollywood Jokes

How Do they say "F**k You" in Hollywood? "Trust Me..."

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HOLLYWOOD

They wanted me for the lead role in Twelve Years a s**... but id only been married for 10

Did you hear about that Hollywood actress who got stabbed?

Um what's her name? Blonde girl, Reece someone ....
"Witherspoon?"
No, no. It was with a knife.

Hollywood should remake "Freaky Friday" between a priest and a scientist.

The Title should be "Converting the Masses"

Hollywood once made a film about erectile dysfunction

It was a flop

Hollywood is remaking the classic film "Who dares wins"

This time however it is not about the SAS, but Barack Obama visiting Dallas in an open top limo.

Which director is Hollywood's darling?

Michael Bae

What movies teach us.

According to Hollywood movies - 1 out of every 5 Americans work for the CIA .
According to Chinese movie- 1 out of every 5 Chinese is a Kungfu master.
According to Japanese movies- Every 1 out of 5 Japanese is a Ninja.
According to Indian movies - Every hero in a movie is a dancer and a singer.

I want to start a charity where terminally ill people can request to sleep with hollywood celebrities...

I'll call it "Make A Wishbone"

A s**... has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

The Irishman was amazing.

Long, but amazing. It wasn’t the only epic movie. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, nearly three hours long. Leonardo DiCaprio attended the premiere, and by the end, his date was too old for him. Even Prince Andrew’s like, “Come on, Leo, mate. You’re nearly 50, son.”

The reason only mostly out of work Hollywood celebrities can speak publicly for Trump

is because if any working celebrities did they would quickly become a mostly out of work Hollywood celebrity.

Oscars experience mistake awarding Best Picture to Moonlight...

Hollywood blames Russian hacking

Rumor has it Hollywood is casting Idris Elba for a Lord of the Rings reboot to promote diversity.

Idris is playing the Tolkien Black Guy

What institution has powerful old men who s**... assault people, has a sick inner circle of keeping people quite, influenced thousands of people, and has a black book?

Hollywood

Now that Harvey Weinstein's Hollywood career is over, he's decided to open a bank.

Word is that he's been giving out plenty of unwanted advances.

What's the difference between a r**... and a Republican?

Hollywood won't work with a Republican.

What's the difference between Michael Bay and a catholic priest?

One gives Hollywood and the other gives holywood.

When I was 14, I attended a party in Hollywood.

I swear, someone must have slipped something into my drink because after awhile I was definitely feeling spacey.

With all of the recent Hollywood s**... scandals, it makes me think about Roman Polanski's place in all of this.

I mean, comparatively speaking, he's a minor offender.

I don't know why everyone's so surprised when people in Hollywood are found out to s**... offenders

It's pretty obvious who it is, it's always the usual suspects

What's the difference between Hollywood and Washington DC?

Molesting kids in Washington doesn't cost you your career.

Michael J Fox is the next hollywood star accused of s**... assault.

His victim said "his hands were everywhere"

Why do male victims in Hollywood forget their s**... assault incidents?

They were feeling Spacey.

Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson

On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

Why is Roy Moore's Strategic Planning Committee headquartered in Disney's Hollywood Hotel?

He likes to keep his staff in something 12 years old.

Welcome to the 2018 Golden Globes

Where Hollywood will pat itself on the back and several men will pat Hollywood on the front

It's weird Hollywood hates Trump

Considering Oscar is a tiny gold man that has historically overlooked minorities

How do you catch a Hollywood executive?

A b**... trap.

Hollywood Halloween

Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone were discussing their next Halloween costumes. They wanted to get away from the typical scary characters and do something different.
Bruce: 'how about historical figures? I'll go as Freud.'
Sly: 'ok, sounds good. I'll go as Leonardo Da Vinci.'
Arnold Schwarzenegger overhears their discussion, walks over and replies 'I'll be Bach.'

Peter Dinklage walks into a doctor's office. He says, I'm a Hollywood star. Can I go to the front of the line?

Doctor: I am sorry Sir, but you have to be a little patient.

Remember when Hollywood said that they'd move to Australia if Trump won?

They lied as well as a politician. Guess we know who's the next president going to be.

Ari Shaffir jokes about Kobe Bryant

Well kobe Bryant died 23 years too late today. He got away with r**... because all the Hollywood liberals who attack comedy enjoy rooting for the Lakers more than they dislike r**.... Big ups to the hero who forgot to gas up his chopper...

Arnold Shwartznager just left his Hollywood career to kill bugs that infiltrate people's houses.

He is now an Ex-Terminator.

I ran into a celebrity while walking down Hollywood Boulevard. He had a mullet, tons of jewelry, and was yelling, I piy the fool!

I said, Hey, you missed a t.

Hollywood is really taking climate change seriously

Vin Diesel even changed his name to Vin Solar

Have you heard of this new zombie like disease, stricking moses and deers? Hollywood is already on it.

Nightmare on elk street.

My uncle worked in Hollywood and told me how sad it was at Jim Henson's f**....

Kermit was speechless.

I don't know why people think throwing singles at children is the new viral trend...

Hollywood's been doing it for decades.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.

One went all the way out to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Screenwriter starlet joke

"One of the oldest inside jokes out there is of the starlet so dumb she slept with the screenwriter in hopes of advancing her career"
As the old joke about a Hollywood starlet so dumb she slept with the writer attests, screenwriters are widely perceived as the least powerful collaborators on movies.

Two weevils grew up in South Carolina

One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Dave knows everyone joke

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the f**... is that on the balcony with Dave?’

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in the new Hollywood Blockbuster:

The Great Composers!
"I wanna be Beethoven," said Stallone.
"I gotta be Mozart," retorted Willis.
"What about you, Arnie?" they asked....

Hollywood marriages

TV interviewer: You were married four times: to a banker, to an actor, to a minister, and to an undertaker. Can you tell me why?
Legendary actress: Well, it was One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, and Four to go!
​
(I'll see myself out, no need to push...)

Rest in Peace

A well known Hollywood actress died in an accident and her numerous friends got together to hire the country's highest paid poet to compose an epitaph for her.
When the stone was laid across the top, it read:
"At last, she sleeps alone."

Everyone knows Al Pacino, the famous Hollywood icon.

No one talks about his brother Cap, who invented delicious Italian coffee.