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Holiday Shopping Jokes

18 holiday shopping jokes and hilarious holiday shopping puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about holiday shopping that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Holiday Shopping Short Jokes

Short holiday shopping jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The holiday shopping humour may include short christmas shopping jokes also.

  1. These holidays, Mike Tyson will be appearing at a shopping mall near you. So keep an ear out for him.
  2. I don't know why everyone is so upset about the rioting in Ferguson The rest of America is going to do the exact same thing on Friday, they just got a head start on holiday shopping.
  3. Holiday Just walked past the Butchers Shop window, sign says Turkey £29. That's a bargain! £150 more at Thomas Cook. (UK only joke)

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Holiday Shopping One Liners

Which holiday shopping one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with holiday shopping? I can suggest the ones about window shopping and clothes shopping.

  1. Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
    A: To get to the body shop.
  2. What is a witch's favorite holiday shopping event? Black Cat Friday
  3. What do you call that Italian Disease that stops you from holiday shopping? Mafundzalow
  4. Just did my holiday shopping. I've got so many shorts now; I'm swimming in them!
  5. Q: What's the best language to describe the hectic holiday shopping season? A: Russian

Comical Holiday Shopping Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land

What funny jokes about holiday shopping you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean holiday season jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make holiday shopping pranks.

An Old Jewish Joke (you might have heard it)

h**... goes to see a fortune teller with a burning question. He enters her shop and sits before her.
"Fortune teller I have a question... when will I die?"
The fortune teller stares right at him and says without hesitation "You will die on a Jewish holiday"
Offended h**... glares at her. "How can you say this? You haven't consulted your crystal ball or even done anything. You didn't even think about it!"
The fortune teller looks deep into Hitlers eyes and tells him:
"Any day in which you die will be a Jewish holiday"

A man had been in prison for twenty years.

When he left they gave him his old clothes. In the pocket he found a ticket from a shoe repair shop. Perhaps the shop is still there. Perhaps they still have my old shoes, he thought to himself. So off he went and sure enough it was there. I've been on holiday for a long time, I wonder if you have my shoes? asked the man. The old man went into the back of the shop and came back after two minutes. They'll be ready on Thursday.

Who says men don't remember?

A couple were holiday shopping at the mall, and the place was
packed. As the wife walked through the mall, she was surprised
to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she
became worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said: "Honey, do you remember the jewelry
store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with
that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you
that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember
that jewelry store."
He replied: "Well, I'm in the pub next door!"

An act of Kindness....

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
They, as expected, gladly accepted the offer, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop."And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you.
But, one thing puzzled me.

"Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

True Story.

My wife and I were shopping with her parents. Lovely people, who had just booked a holiday to New York to visit my brother in-law, who is expecting his first child. In preparation for this they needed to buy new luggage. We were walking around the shopping centre and had a few bags by the time the luggage was bought so we decided to fill the suitcase with them, which my father-in-law rolled about with ease. As the day came to a close and we headed for the car my wife turned and said, 'You know what Daddy? We should take you and that bag with us every time we go shopping.' To which he replied, 'Don't talk about your mother like that.'

During the holiday season, a man is aimlessly drifting around a shopping center, wondering what to get his wife for Christmas.

Wandering into a pet store, he asks the shop assistant, "Hey, buddy, you got anything with a Christmas-type theme in here?"

"Well, there is Chet, the parrot," the assistant replies.

Chet looks like any normal parrot, nothing special, so the guy asks, "What's so Christmassy about him?"

"Well, he can sing Christmas carols," says the assistant.

"Really?"

"Yup," says the assistant. "Lemme show ya. See, all ya gotta do is light a match and hold it under his left foot, like so, and Chet'll go..."

"Awrrk! Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul..." Chet sings.

"Wow, that's amazing! Does he do any more?"

"Sure does! Now, if you hold the match under his right foot instead, he'll go..."

"Awrrk! Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose..." Chet sings.

Well, now the guy is really impressed, but he has to ask, "Does Chet know any more carols?"

"Oh, sure, he knows one more! See, if you hold the match BETWEEN his two feet, he goes..."

"Awrrk! Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."