Holiday Jokes

Following is our collection of bali humor and trip one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Holiday puns for adults, dirty jamaica jokes or clean holiday for god gags for kids.

There is an abundance of knock knock holiday jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 60 funniest jokes on holiday. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any holiday tattoo witze you can hear about holiday.

The Best jokes about Holiday

My wife told me that "sex is better on holiday".

Not the best postcard I've ever received.

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

My girlfriend said to me "sex is better on holiday"...

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

A German man walks up to a immigration desk in Warsaw.

Immigration offcier: "Occupation?"

German man: "No, just holiday."


Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...

"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"

"I did Teacher"

"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"

"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."

"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to swim isn't, 1/2 a mile?"

"Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I'd got out of the bag!"

My friend went on holiday to Havana...

...and asked me what gift I would like him to get for me. I said get me "something Cuban", but he got me a Che Guevara t shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

A German man goes on holiday

to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions

"Name?"

"Hans Schmidt"

"Age?"

"32"

"Place of birth?"

"Dusseldorf"

"Occupation?"

"No, just visiting"

So I recently went to Australia...

I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."

A British man goes on holiday in Australia...

After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.

"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.

"No" replies the British man.

"Do you have a criminal record?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."

A one liner for the holiday, say no to drugs...

Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late


Working holiday

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.

"Where are you going?" the wife asks.

"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."

Hitler went to see a fortune seer

Hitler went to see a fortune seer. He walked in and demanded to know on what day he would die.
The seer replied "You will die on a Jewish holiday"
Hitler wanted more in information than that, and asked "Which holiday?"
The seer just smirked and said "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday"

A cyclops and his wife looking for their prefect holiday destination

Cyclobs: How do you spell Hawaii?

Wife: Well... You need two i's...

Cyclobs (putting the pen down): My life is just a joke to you isn't it, Linda?

I met my wife in a travel agency.

She was looking for a holiday and I was the last resort.

A German was packing his luggage for holiday when his wife interrupts him...

"I hope you're not going to bring sausages again", she said, "They exploded everywhere last time and caused a frightful scene!"

"It'll be fine", He said, "Stop worrying about the wurst case scenario".

I was going from London to Australia for a holiday...

I was passing the security check at the airport and the man working there asked

"Sir, do you have a criminal record?"

"No, sorry. I didn't know it was still a requirement."

I was on holiday in Belgium...

Apparently it was obvious that I am German, because an elderly man came to me and said "you lost something ".
"What?" I asked surprised.
"The war" he replied.

So Hitler decides to go see a psychic...

...and the psychic tells him that he will die on the day of a Jewish holiday. Hitler, obviously distraught, demands the psychic tell him more, and tries to coerce him into giving more details in hopes that he can somehow prevent it.

After much back and forth, the psychic finally snaps in impatience and says, "Well, whatever the day you die is going to be a Jewish holiday anyway,".


Why is Halloween a hillbilly's favorite holiday?

Because they like to pumpkin.



I'll see myself out...

A German man visits America for holiday.

The TSA officer asks: "Occupation?"

The man says: "No, only holiday!"

Hitler went to a fortune teller..

..and asked her, On what day will I die? The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. Why are you so sure of that? demanded Hitler.

Any day , she replied, on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.

A Fencing instructor came back to the academy after a well deserved holiday

Only to find that the relief instructor had been teaching his students nothing else but to parry and counter.

Apparently all the sub could do was riposte.

Hitler goes to a psychic and asks...

On what day will I die?

The psychic says, On a Jewish holiday.

Skeptical, Hitler asks, How can you be so sure?

Any day, on which you die, explains the psychic, will be a Jewish holiday.

A gay man was reading a holiday brochure then he tells his partner...

"this year we should try Greece"
his partner looks up n asks him "whats wrong with the Vaseline?

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack", he says, "I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday".

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger. He says that his dad is Mick Jagger, and it's okay for him to take out all of the money because he is friends with the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says "Sure, have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty tells him that she'll have to consult with the bank manager. She then disappears into the back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny elephant pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone".

This was in a joke book from the 1940s

Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her, on what day will I die?

The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday.

Why are you so sure of that? Demanded Hitler

Any day, she replied on which you die will become a Jewish holiday.

Two men and two women are on a train.

There is a mother and daughter on their way to have a holiday, and there is an old general and his valet, a young sergeant. The train goes through a tunnel, and everything is dark. There is a *mwsshk!* and a *smack!* and the train leaves the tunnel.

The mother thinks, "that young man stole a kiss from my daughter and got slapped for it!"
The daughter thinks, "that young man tried to kiss me, and kissed my mother by mistake!"
The general thinks, "that upstart pup steals a kiss and I get slapped for it."
The sergeant thinks, "not bad! I just kiss my hand and get to slap the general, and here comes another tunnel!"

An old couple went on holiday to Jerusalem..

...But on the trip the wife died. A local priest then told the husband that he had two options. He could get her buried in Jerusalem for $30, or he could fly her back to their own country and get her buried there for $200. The husband quickly said that he wanted her buried at home. The priest didn't understand this and asked the husband why he didn't just bury her in Jerusalem. After all it was one of the holiest cities in the world, and he could save some money. The husband then told him that long ago a man was buried in this city, and 3 days later he resurrected from the dead, and he was definitely not willing to risk that happening with his wife.

I'm going on holiday to Egypt. A coworker told me it can get up to 100 degrees in the shade...

...I'll be staying out of the shade then.

A woman on holiday was stung by a jellyfish...

She yells to her husband and says "I was stung by a jellyfish, you need to pee on it."

The husband runs over to the jellyfish and pees on it saying "that's for stinging my wife."

I wanted to volunteer and do something good this holiday season...

So I helped these dyslexic kids write letters to Satan.

True Story.

My wife and I were shopping with her parents. Lovely people, who had just booked a holiday to New York to visit my brother in-law, who is expecting his first child. In preparation for this they needed to buy new luggage. We were walking around the shopping centre and had a few bags by the time the luggage was bought so we decided to fill the suitcase with them, which my father-in-law rolled about with ease. As the day came to a close and we headed for the car my wife turned and said, 'You know what Daddy? We should take you and that bag with us every time we go shopping.' To which he replied, 'Don't talk about your mother like that.'

Magic sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

If Gandalf wanted to go on an overseas holiday, what would he do?

Fly, *you fools*.

Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America.

As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulders. The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks. Paddy replied Mobile phones.

The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened each sack and sure enough each contained quite a few phones. "What are you going to do with all these phones?" asked the officer.

"Oh, they are not for me. My friend, who is a musical director, knew I was going over to America. He asked me to bring him back a 'couple of saxophones.'"

Why does the Devil hate the holiday Season?

Because he gets so many letters from dyslexic children.

My mother-in-law once went on holiday with a massive case of diarrhoea.

She only found out when she opened her suitcase.

Christmas jokes needed

I am about to MC a high school Christmas staff talent show and need your best Christmas or holiday jokes. This is happening in two hours.

How does NASA throw a holiday party?

They planet.

Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season!

If you want to drive safely we can help.

Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages


Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely

Holidays

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

Why is it a bad idea to wear tiny shorts on a Ukranian holiday?

Chernobyl fallout.

Who says men don't remember?

A couple were holiday shopping at the mall, and the place was
packed. As the wife walked through the mall, she was surprised
to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she
became worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said: "Honey, do you remember the jewelry
store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with
that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you
that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember
that jewelry store."


He replied: "Well, I'm in the pub next door!"

Simple mathematics

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old.

One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me.

I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."

He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students.

Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."

On the holidays I got quite drunk and being responsible decided to take a taxi home

It's still in my backyard what do you guys think I should do with it?

A plane is going down...

An airplane of holiday makers is flying over the pacific when the engine fails and takes a nosedive. Everyone dies except for 3: two guys and one girl. They wash up on a beach of a deserted island and set about building a fire, fishing, making a shelter etc. When the sun goes down and they are bored there is only one thing to do, so they do what comes naturally to them . . .
This set up continues untill the girl gets sick, soon after she dies. The two guys are alone. So at night they continue doing what comes naturally to each other . . .
But after a few weeks they feel really bad about doing it so they bury her. . .

Hey everyone be careful on the road this holiday because there are a lot of people drinking

And their wives are driving

A buddy of mine isn't sure whether he believes in creamy holiday beverages or not.

He's eggnogstic.

If you ever have trouble spelling the word "Christmas" this holiday season, just remember:

There's Noël.

So I rang the tourist office and asked:-

'What's the quickest way from the Holiday Inn to the museum?'
'Are you walking or driving?'
'Driving.'
'Well, that would be the quickest way.'

Always on duty

A doctor has some trouble with the sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told it's his day off.

"But I get called out on my days off, too!" says the doctor, somewhat exasperated, and the plumber relents.

The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying,

"Put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, come and see me tomorrow."

What is grey, has four legs, and a trunk?

A mouse going on holiday.

A Canadian visits a small church while on holiday in Scotland.

The Canadian is intrigued by the intricately carved pulpit and, being something of a history buff, would like to know more about it so approaches the little old vicar.

"Excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to tell me what the pulpit is made of?"

"Aye. Wood."

"You would?"

"Nay yew, is oak."

"Oak? Eh?"

"Glad to have helped."

Thanksgiving in Bulgaria

Obviously Thanksgiving is an American holiday. However, as a former soldier deployed to Southern Europe, I was given a week long pass during the week of Thanksgiving. I decided to go to Bulgaria. You know what the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria is?

Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.

I've been very anxious about being mugged while on holiday in mexico, so I've been taking Valium to calm my nerves.

So far I haven't had any Hispanic attacks.

A MATH PROFESSOR'S MISTAKE

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."

the explanation of just about every jewish holiday

they tried to kill us
they failed
lets eat

My wife told me sex was better on holiday

That wasn't a very nice postcard

Bill: I've just got back from a holiday in Poole. Ben: In Dorset?

Bill: I'd recommend it to anyone.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes