The Best 65 Holiday Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Holiday jokes. There are some holiday trip jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these holiday holiday for god puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Holiday Jokes and Puns
A German man visits America for holiday.
The TSA officer asks: "Occupation?"
The man says: "No, only holiday!"
Why is it a bad idea to wear tiny shorts on a Ukranian holiday?
Chernobyl fallout.
Thanksgiving in Bulgaria
Obviously Thanksgiving is an American holiday. However, as a former soldier deployed to Southern Europe, I was given a week long pass during the week of Thanksgiving. I decided to go to Bulgaria. You know what the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria is?
Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.
I wanted to volunteer and do something good this holiday season...
So I helped these dyslexic kids write letters to Satan.
Always on duty
A doctor has some trouble with the sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told it's his day off.
"But I get called out on my days off, too!" says the doctor, somewhat exasperated, and the plumber relents.
The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying,
"Put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, come and see me tomorrow."
Everybody says that you should say no to drugs,
but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack", he says, "I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday".
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger. He says that his dad is Mick Jagger, and it's okay for him to take out all of the money because he is friends with the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says "Sure, have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty tells him that she'll have to consult with the bank manager. She then disappears into the back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny elephant pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone".
A British man goes on holiday in Australia...
After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.
"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.
"No" replies the British man.
"Do you have a criminal record?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."
Why does the Devil hate the holiday Season?
Because he gets so many letters from dyslexic children.
My friend went on holiday to Havana...
...and asked me what gift I would like him to get for me. I said get me "something Cuban", but he got me a Che Guevara t shirt.
Clothes, but no cigar.
Why is Halloween a hillbilly's favorite holiday?
Because they like to pumpkin.
I'll see myself out...
You can explore holiday bali reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean holiday jamaica dad jokes. There are also holiday puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A German man walks up to a immigration desk in Warsaw.
Immigration offcier: "Occupation?"
German man: "No, just holiday."
My girlfriend said to me "sex is better on holiday"...
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
Two men and two women are on a train.
There is a mother and daughter on their way to have a holiday, and there is an old general and his valet, a young sergeant. The train goes through a tunnel, and everything is dark. There is a *mwsshk!* and a *smack!* and the train leaves the tunnel.
The mother thinks, "that young man stole a kiss from my daughter and got slapped for it!"
The daughter thinks, "that young man tried to kiss me, and kissed my mother by mistake!"
The general thinks, "that upstart pup steals a kiss and I get slapped for it."
The sergeant thinks, "not bad! I just kiss my hand and get to slap the general, and here comes another tunnel!"
An old couple went on holiday to Jerusalem..
...But on the trip the wife died. A local priest then told the husband that he had two options. He could get her buried in Jerusalem for $30, or he could fly her back to their own country and get her buried there for $200. The husband quickly said that he wanted her buried at home. The priest didn't understand this and asked the husband why he didn't just bury her in Jerusalem. After all it was one of the holiest cities in the world, and he could save some money. The husband then told him that long ago a man was buried in this city, and 3 days later he resurrected from the dead, and he was definitely not willing to risk that happening with his wife.
I was on holiday in Belgium...
Apparently it was obvious that I am German, because an elderly man came to me and said "you lost something ".
"What?" I asked surprised.
"The war" he replied.
A buddy of mine isn't sure whether he believes in creamy holiday beverages or not.
He's eggnogstic.
On the holidays I got quite drunk and being responsible decided to take a taxi home
It's still in my backyard what do you guys think I should do with it?
So I recently went to Australia...
I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."
A German man goes on holiday
to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions
"Name?"
"Hans Schmidt"
"Age?"
"32"
"Place of birth?"
"Dusseldorf"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting"
How does NASA throw a holiday party?
They planet.
Working holiday
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
"Where are you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."
Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...
"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"
"I did Teacher"
"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"
"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."
"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to swim isn't, 1/2 a mile?"
"Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I'd got out of the bag!"
I was going from London to Australia for a holiday...
I was passing the security check at the airport and the man working there asked
"Sir, do you have a criminal record?"
"No, sorry. I didn't know it was still a requirement."
So Hitler decides to go see a psychic...
...and the psychic tells him that he will die on the day of a Jewish holiday. Hitler, obviously distraught, demands the psychic tell him more, and tries to coerce him into giving more details in hopes that he can somehow prevent it.
After much back and forth, the psychic finally snaps in impatience and says, "Well, whatever the day you die is going to be a Jewish holiday anyway,".
Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"
The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"
A Fencing instructor came back to the academy after a well deserved holiday
Only to find that the relief instructor had been teaching his students nothing else but to parry and counter.
Apparently all the sub could do was riposte.
I'm going on holiday to Egypt. A coworker told me it can get up to 100 degrees in the shade...
...I'll be staying out of the shade then.
A gay man was reading a holiday brochure then he tells his partner...
"this year we should try Greece"
his partner looks up n asks him "whats wrong with the Vaseline?
If you ever have trouble spelling the word "Christmas" this holiday season, just remember:
There's Noël.
A woman on holiday was stung by a jellyfish...
She yells to her husband and says "I was stung by a jellyfish, you need to pee on it."
The husband runs over to the jellyfish and pees on it saying "that's for stinging my wife."
Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season!
If you want to drive safely we can help.
Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages
Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely
Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...
... Please don't be jealous
Hey everyone be careful on the road this holiday because there are a lot of people drinking
And their wives are driving
What is grey, has four legs, and a trunk?
A mouse going on holiday.
Hitler went to see a fortune seer
Hitler went to see a fortune seer. He walked in and demanded to know on what day he would die.
The seer replied "You will die on a Jewish holiday"
Hitler wanted more in information than that, and asked "Which holiday?"
The seer just smirked and said "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday"
Hitler goes to a psychic and asks...
On what day will I die?
The psychic says, On a Jewish holiday.
Skeptical, Hitler asks, How can you be so sure?
Any day, on which you die, explains the psychic, will be a Jewish holiday.
I met my wife in a travel agency.
She was looking for a holiday and I was the last resort.
I've been very anxious about being mugged while on holiday in mexico, so I've been taking Valium to calm my nerves.
So far I haven't had any Hispanic attacks.
My wife told me that "sex is better on holiday".
Not the best postcard I've ever received.
Hitler went to a fortune teller..
..and asked her, On what day will I die? The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. Why are you so sure of that? demanded Hitler.
Any day , she replied, on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.
My mother-in-law once went on holiday with a massive case of diarrhoea.
She only found out when she opened her suitcase.
So I rang the tourist office and asked:-
'What's the quickest way from the Holiday Inn to the museum?'
'Are you walking or driving?'
'Driving.'
'Well, that would be the quickest way.'
If Gandalf wanted to go on an overseas holiday, what would he do?
Fly, *you fools*.
A cyclops and his wife looking for their prefect holiday destination
Cyclobs: How do you spell Hawaii?
Wife: Well... You need two i's...
Cyclobs (putting the pen down): My life is just a joke to you isn't it, Linda?
A German was packing his luggage for holiday when his wife interrupts him...
"I hope you're not going to bring sausages again", she said, "They exploded everywhere last time and caused a frightful scene!"
"It'll be fine", He said, "Stop worrying about the wurst case scenario".
Bill: I've just got back from a holiday in Poole. Ben: In Dorset?
Bill: I'd recommend it to anyone.
A Canadian visits a small church while on holiday in Scotland.
The Canadian is intrigued by the intricately carved pulpit and, being something of a history buff, would like to know more about it so approaches the little old vicar.
"Excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to tell me what the pulpit is made of?"
"Aye. Wood."
"You would?"
"Nay yew, is oak."
"Oak? Eh?"
"Glad to have helped."
This was in a joke book from the 1940s
Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her, on what day will I die?
The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday.
Why are you so sure of that? Demanded Hitler
Any day, she replied on which you die will become a Jewish holiday.
Mark Zuckerberg's car hit a guy's car
Mark Zuckerberg's car hit a guy's car
Guy (angry) : Do you know who I am?
Mark : Yes, you are Scott Thomas, you have 237 friends out of which 37 are females and your wife doesn't know 12 of them. Last holiday you went to Thailand and there you . . .
Guy : Leave it bro, it was my fault.
Today should be a holiday honoring all the truckers who have kept America going during the Covid epidemic.
A big 10-4, if you will.
I'm planning a camping holiday but, I have to say, I'm far from impressed with my travel insurance.
It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.
I told my suitcases that there will be no holiday this year....
I am now dealing with emotional baggage.
Scotsman on holiday: what's yon beast over there?
Canadian: That's a moose!
Scotsman: Och, If that's a moose, how big are your cats?
The CDC recommends that funeral gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.
Funeral proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.
Welcome to Australia!
A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"
Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won
I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
What's the most popular holiday dessert in Alabama?
Pump-kin pie.
What does Trump have in common with winter holiday decorations?
Both can fu k off in January.
Got this from a book I got for Christmas
Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her, On what day will I die? The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish Holiday. Why are you so sure of that? Demanded Hitler.
Any day you die she replied will be a Jewish holiday.
A guy goes to a New Year's Day party. There are hundreds of people, holiday music is playing.
A few groups of people are playing cards. Others are shooting billiards. Yet another group is sitting around a warm fire telling stories. Everyone seems to be having a wonderful time. Realizing he is hungry, the man gets in a large queue and starts chatting with an old friend. After many minutes go by, he realizes he is not in the food line at all. He asks his friend about if this is the right line. Oh, no, the friend said...
This is the punchline.
I missed the holiday for premature ejaculators this year.
I think it came early.
A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami.
A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami. His first day there, he heads to the nearest beach bar and proceeds to pound down mai tais. After 5 or 6 drinks, he feels a strong urge to pee, and in his drunken state, he swivels his stool around and starts peeing right onto the sand. Just then, a young woman happens to walk by and shrieks "Gross!"
His cheeks blush as he yells back "Danke!"
Hitler went to a fortuneteller
He went and asked her - " On which day will I die ? "
The seeress ensured him that he will die on a Jewish holiday.
" Why are you so sure about that ? " Demanded the angry Hitler.
" Any day " she replied, " On which day you die will be a Jewish holiday ".
I finally found the courage to tell my suitcases there will be no holiday abroad this year.
Now, I'm dealing emotional baggage.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the holiday knock knock holiday jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working holiday holiday tattoo piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.