Comical Holiday Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
A German man visits America for holiday.
The TSA officer asks: "Occupation?"
The man says: "No, only holiday!"
Why is it a bad idea to wear tiny shorts on a Ukranian holiday?
Chernobyl fallout.
Thanksgiving in Bulgaria
Obviously Thanksgiving is an American holiday. However, as a former soldier deployed to Southern Europe, I was given a week long pass during the week of Thanksgiving. I decided to go to Bulgaria. You know what the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria is?
Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.
I wanted to volunteer and do something good this holiday season...
So I helped these dyslexic kids write letters to Satan.
Everybody says that you should say no to drugs,
but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack", he says, "I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday".
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger. He says that his dad is m**... Jagger, and it's okay for him to take out all of the money because he is friends with the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says "Sure, have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty tells him that she'll have to consult with the bank manager. She then disappears into the back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny elephant pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone".
A British man goes on holiday in Australia...
After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.
"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.
"No" replies the British man.
"Do you have a criminal record?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."
Why does the Devil hate the holiday Season?
Because he gets so many letters from dyslexic children.
My friend went on holiday to Havana...
...and asked me what gift I would like him to get for me. I said get me "something Cuban", but he got me a Che Guevara t shirt.
Clothes, but no cigar.
Why is Halloween a h**...'s favorite holiday?
Because they like to pumpkin.
I'll see myself out...
A German man walks up to a immigration desk in Warsaw.
Immigration offcier: "Occupation?"
German man: "No, just holiday."
You can explore holiday bali reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean holiday jamaica dad jokes. There are also holiday puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My girlfriend said to me "s**... is better on holiday"...
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
Two men and two women are on a train.
There is a mother and daughter on their way to have a holiday, and there is an old general and his valet, a young sergeant. The train goes through a tunnel, and everything is dark. There is a *mwsshk!* and a *s**...!* and the train leaves the tunnel.
The mother thinks, "that young man stole a kiss from my daughter and got slapped for it!"
The daughter thinks, "that young man tried to kiss me, and kissed my mother by mistake!"
The general thinks, "that upstart pup steals a kiss and I get slapped for it."
The sergeant thinks, "not bad! I just kiss my hand and get to slap the general, and here comes another tunnel!"
An old couple went on holiday to Jerusalem..
...But on the trip the wife died. A local priest then told the husband that he had two options. He could get her buried in Jerusalem for $30, or he could fly her back to their own country and get her buried there for $200. The husband quickly said that he wanted her buried at home. The priest didn't understand this and asked the husband why he didn't just bury her in Jerusalem. After all it was one of the holiest cities in the world, and he could save some money. The husband then told him that long ago a man was buried in this city, and 3 days later he resurrected from the dead, and he was definitely not willing to risk that happening with his wife.
I was on holiday in Belgium...
Apparently it was obvious that I am German, because an elderly man came to me and said "you lost something ".
"What?" I asked surprised.
"The war" he replied.
A buddy of mine isn't sure whether he believes in creamy holiday beverages or not.
He's eggnogstic.
On the holidays I got quite drunk and being responsible decided to take a taxi home
It's still in my backyard what do you guys think I should do with it?
So I recently went to Australia...
I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."
A German man goes on holiday
to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions
"Name?"
"Hans Schmidt"
"Age?"
"32"
"Place of birth?"
"Dusseldorf"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting"
How does NASA throw a holiday party?
They planet.
Working holiday
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a b**... there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
"Where are you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."
Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...
"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"
"I did Teacher"
"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"
"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."
"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to swim isn't, 1/2 a mile?"
"Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I'd got out of the bag!"
I was going from London to Australia for a holiday...
I was passing the security check at the airport and the man working there asked
"Sir, do you have a criminal record?"
"No, sorry. I didn't know it was still a requirement."
So h**... decides to go see a psychic...
...and the psychic tells him that he will die on the day of a Jewish holiday. h**..., obviously distraught, demands the psychic tell him more, and tries to coerce him into giving more details in hopes that he can somehow prevent it.
After much back and forth, the psychic finally snaps in impatience and says, "Well, whatever the day you die is going to be a Jewish holiday anyway,".
Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"
The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"
A Fencing instructor came back to the academy after a well deserved holiday
Only to find that the relief instructor had been teaching his students nothing else but to parry and counter.
Apparently all the sub could do was riposte.
I'm going on holiday to Egypt. A coworker told me it can get up to 100 degrees in the shade...
...I'll be staying out of the shade then.
A gay man was reading a holiday brochure then he tells his partner...
"this year we should try Greece"
his partner looks up n asks him "whats wrong with the Vaseline?
A woman on holiday was stung by a jellyfish...
She yells to her husband and says "I was stung by a jellyfish, you need to pee on it."
The husband runs over to the jellyfish and pees on it saying "that's for stinging my wife."
Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season!
If you want to drive safely we can help.
Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages
Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely
Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...
... Please don't be jealous
Hey everyone be careful on the road this holiday because there are a lot of people drinking
And their wives are driving
h**... went to see a fortune seer
h**... went to see a fortune seer. He walked in and demanded to know on what day he would die.
The seer replied "You will die on a Jewish holiday"
h**... wanted more in information than that, and asked "Which holiday?"
The seer just smirked and said "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday"
h**... goes to a psychic and asks...
On what day will I die?
The psychic says, On a Jewish holiday.
Skeptical, h**... asks, How can you be so sure?
Any day, on which you die, explains the psychic, will be a Jewish holiday.
I met my wife in a travel agency.
She was looking for a holiday and I was the last resort.
My wife told me that "s**... is better on holiday".
Not the best postcard I've ever received.
h**... went to a fortune teller..
..and asked her, On what day will I die? The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. Why are you so sure of that? demanded h**....
Any day , she replied, on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.
My mother-in-law once went on holiday with a massive case of diarrhoea.
She only found out when she opened her suitcase.
If Gandalf wanted to go on an overseas holiday, what would he do?
Fly, *you fools*.
A cyclops and his wife looking for their prefect holiday destination
Cyclobs: How do you spell Hawaii?
Wife: Well... You need two i's...
Cyclobs (putting the pen down): My life is just a joke to you isn't it, Linda?
A German was packing his luggage for holiday when his wife interrupts him...
"I hope you're not going to bring sausages again", she said, "They exploded everywhere last time and caused a frightful scene!"
"It'll be fine", He said, "Stop worrying about the wurst case scenario".
A Canadian visits a small church while on holiday in Scotland.
The Canadian is intrigued by the intricately carved pulpit and, being something of a history buff, would like to know more about it so approaches the little old vicar.
"Excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to tell me what the pulpit is made of?"
"Aye. Wood."
"You would?"
"Nay yew, is oak."
"Oak? Eh?"
"Glad to have helped."
This was in a joke book from the 1940s
h**... went to a fortune teller and asked her, on what day will I die?
The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday.
Why are you so sure of that? Demanded h**...
Any day, she replied on which you die will become a Jewish holiday.
Mark Zuckerberg's car hit a guy's car
Mark Zuckerberg's car hit a guy's car
Guy (angry) : Do you know who I am?
Mark : Yes, you are Scott Thomas, you have 237 friends out of which 37 are females and your wife doesn't know 12 of them. Last holiday you went to Thailand and there you . . .
Guy : Leave it bro, it was my fault.
Today should be a holiday honoring all the truckers who have kept America going during the Covid epidemic.
A big 10-4, if you will.
I told my suitcases that there will be no holiday this year....
I am now dealing with emotional baggage.
Scotsman on holiday: what's yon beast over there?
Canadian: That's a moose!
Scotsman: Och, If that's a moose, how big are your cats?
The CDC recommends that f**... gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.
f**... proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.
Welcome to Australia!
A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"
A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami.
A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami. His first day there, he heads to the nearest beach bar and proceeds to pound down mai tais. After 5 or 6 drinks, he feels a strong urge to pee, and in his drunken state, he swivels his stool around and starts peeing right onto the sand. Just then, a young woman happens to walk by and shrieks "g**...!"
His cheeks blush as he yells back "Danke!"
h**... went to a fortuneteller
He went and asked her - " On which day will I die ? "
The seeress ensured him that he will die on a Jewish holiday.
" Why are you so sure about that ? " Demanded the angry h**....
" Any day " she replied, " On which day you die will be a Jewish holiday ".
I finally found the courage to tell my suitcases there will be no holiday abroad this year.
Now, I'm dealing emotional baggage.
My wife and I were going on holiday
And we were discussing our secret s**... fetishes. She said she always wanted to be handcuffed. So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase.
I once took a holiday to the North Pole
It was great while I was there but after that my holiday just went south.
Putin consulted with a fortune teller
The fortune teller predicted that Putin would die on a Ukrainian holiday.
Putin asks: "Which one?
To which the fortune teller responded, Whenever you die it will be a Ukrainian holiday!
A Russian man drives up to the border with Finland
The Finnish border guard takes his passport and asks the man - "Occupation?"
"No. Only a holiday."
Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked:
"How long will I live?"
The psychic replied:
"I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday."
"Which holiday?" Putin asked.
"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."
A group of engineering students and their professor were given free airline tickets to go on a holiday...
Once they boarded the plane, the captain announced that they would be flying on a plane that the students had built.
Every one of the students panicked and left the plane, except for the professor. When the flight attendant asked the professor why he hadn't left the plane too he responded "I know the abilities of my students quite well... this s**... won't even start".
i was in Jerusalem for a holiday
Needing my cuppa of java i wandered into a cafe and was served by a male barista. I found it odd that there were no female Baristas so i made it a point to keep a lookout for them across the holy land.
From Starbucks to coffee club, from hipster cafes to neighborhood coffeehouses, not a female barista could be found.
Perplexed by this, i finally asked the Jewish barista at the starbucks at the airport when i was about to leave. He thought about it for a moment, shrugged his shoulders and said simply:
Hebrews.
I'm ready for a holiday.
p**... says to m**...,
I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant, last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
m**... asks,
"So what are you going to do this year?"
p**... replies,
"I'll b**... take her with me!"
So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday.
I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
The holidays are the most frightening time of the year for me.
I was a little dyslexic as a kid, and when I was a teen I started dabbling in the dark arts.
I think I sold my soul to Santa.
Every year when the jingle bells start ringing, I get nervous. It could be the elves coming for me.
Kanye went to a fortune teller to see what was in his future
The fortune teller told him that he will die on a Jewish holiday. Kanye asked how she could be so sure. "Any day" she replied "you die will be a Jewish holiday"
Holiday scams
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and hands over a few singles to pay for it. The bartender picks up the $1 bills and carefully scutinizes them, holding them up to the light. "What are you doing?" the guy asks. "There's a new scam going around this holiday season," the bartender replies. "People are passing around counterfeit $1 bills, so be careful. "So, what you're telling me is I should keep an eye out for hot singles in my area," the guy says.
You know what's the favourite holiday song in Wales?
All I Want For Christmas is Ewe
My wife and I have both decided to go on a diet before our holiday to the States as we don't want to feel self conscious at the beach.
It's going well, so far we've both put on five stone.
I was cleaning out my elderly neighbour's back garden yesterday when I came across a lamp.
I rubbed the side to give it a clean, and a genie appeared in a puff of smoke
"I'll grant you any wish for releasing me from the lamp!" he boomed.
I looked up and noticed a passenger jet in the sky. In need of a holiday, I said "I wish I was on that plane."
With a whoosh, my wish was granted.
Ten minutes later, I landed at Birmingham Airport.
With a s**... smile, she said to me "Kiss me where the sun don't shine."
...so I booked us two tickets for a December holiday in northern Norway.
