Holiday Jokes

130 holiday jokes and hilarious holiday puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about holiday that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for a few laughs to celebrate the holiday season? Check out this humor-filled collection of jokes that are perfect for kids and adults alike. Enjoy a range of corny jokes, holiday math puzzles, festive riddles, and more - perfect for making your holiday party, celebrations in Phuket or Bali, or just your everyday life a bit more cheerful!

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Funniest Holiday Short Jokes

Short holiday jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The holiday humour may include short honeymoon jokes also.

  1. So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday. I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
  2. Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season... ... Please don't be jealous
  3. A German man walks up to a immigration desk in Warsaw. Immigration offcier: "Occupation?"
    German man: "No, just holiday."
  4. My friend went on holiday to Havana... ...and asked me what gift I would like him to get for me. I said get me "something Cuban", but he got me a Che Guevara t shirt.
    Clothes, but no cigar.
  5. I told my suitcases that there will be no holiday this year.... I am now dealing with emotional baggage.
  6. Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late
  7. My wife and I have both decided to go on a diet before our holiday to the States as we don't want to feel self conscious at the beach. It's going well, so far we've both put on five stone.
  8. Pavlov's dogs have started a charity for the holidays... It's called "The Salivation Army"
  9. What do you call two spices saying hello to each other during the holidays? Seasons greetings
  10. I met my wife in a travel agency. She was looking for a holiday and I was the last resort.

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Holiday One Liners

Which holiday one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with holiday? I can suggest the ones about summer and vacation.

  1. Where does justin timberlake take his holidays in Russia ? Crimea River
  2. If Gandalf wanted to go on an overseas holiday, what would he do? Fly, *you fools*.
  3. How does NASA throw a holiday party? They planet.
  4. Why can't rappers take holidays? They always forget Tupac.
  5. Why is it a bad idea to wear tiny shorts on a ukranian holiday? Chernobyl fallout.
  6. What is grey, has four legs, and a trunk? A mouse going on holiday.
  7. This is ridiculous. It's July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks. One almost caught our christmas decoration on fire.
  8. What's the most popular holiday dessert in Alabama? Pump-kin pie.
  9. I always listen to Neil Diamond during the holidays. He's got sweet carol lines.
  10. Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!
  11. You know what they say about Pi Day... It really is an irrational holiday.
  12. How did Jim start losing weight after the holidays? He just quit eating cold turkey.
  13. I go to the gym religiously Twice a year around the holidays
  14. What Canadian holiday is celebrated on May 1st? Maple Fool's Day
  15. Where did the pen go for holiday? He went to pencil-vania

Christmas Holiday Jokes

Here is a list of funny christmas holiday jokes and even better christmas holiday puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why can't software developers distinguish between Halloween and Christmas? Because OCT 31 == DEC 25
    (hint: octal and decimal are numerical bases 8 and 10 respectively, happy holidays!)
  • If you ever have trouble spelling the word "Christmas" this holiday season, just remember: There's Noël.
  • Nick Cannon one tried gifting Mariah Carey a parcel of land for the holidays but she wasn't happy. She told me, I don't want a lot for Christmas.
  • If your left leg was thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I come visit you between the holidays?
  • What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his wife when she asked if Christmas was his favourite holiday I still love Easter, Baby.
  • You know what's the favourite holiday song in Wales? All I Want For Christmas is Ewe
  • What's the best thing to bring to your holiday party? A Christmas tree. Because they're lit.
  • I tried to be politically correct for the holidays this year but "Caucasian Christmas" proved considerably harder to sing than I expected...
  • In Bulgaria we have three holidays Christmas, New Year and everyday.
  • Knew a girl that had a Christmas tattoo on one leg and a New Years tattoo on the other. I asked if I could come up between the holidays.

Holiday Season Jokes

Here is a list of funny holiday season jokes and even better holiday season puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I wanted to volunteer and do something good this holiday season... So I helped these dyslexic kids write letters to Satan.
  • Why does the Devil hate the holiday Season? Because he gets so many letters from dyslexic children.
  • PSA: Police are warning against large amounts of fake $1 bills this holiday season Look out for hot singles in your area.
  • The holiday season is coming up. Every year I make my parents something. I make them disappointed.
  • What's the difference between a fedora and a fedina? "A fedina? What's a fedina?"
    "*a-Spaghetti and meatballs!*"
    Try it out. Just try it. This holiday season.
  • A sales assistant advised me on the liquor to buy for the holiday season recently She was my spirit guide.
  • In this holiday season I really gotta give a shout out to those who've always been around for me. Mr. Chen and his family at the restaurant.
  • With the Holiday Season right around the corner The Transvestites of America Union would like to remind you to eat, drink, and be Mary.
  • Looking for a cheap gift this holiday season? Why not buy a senator???
  • We should all be thanking Subway for their humanitarian efforts this holiday season... their former spokesperson, Jared, touched many children...
Holiday joke, We should all be thanking Subway for their humanitarian efforts this holiday season...

Holiday Kid Jokes

Here is a list of funny holiday kid jokes and even better holiday kid puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • One of my empoloyee's asked if he could go on holiday to Kenya with pay! Uganda be kidding me!
  • My wife wants to take our kids for an historical holiday... ...To America!
  • What's Kevin Spacey's favorite holiday? Bring your kid to work day.
  • Math Poor kid asks his dad: "Are we going on holiday this summer?" Dad replies: "50% yes, 100% no."
  • A leading rabbi has ruled that m**... is kosher Now we know what kids are gonna be doing for the Jewish High Holidays...

Holiday Math Jokes

Here is a list of funny holiday math jokes and even better holiday math puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I'm on holiday visiting the math dept. at Univ. of Manchester, England. I guess I'm an Alan Turist.
Holiday joke, I'm on holiday visiting the math dept. at Univ. of Manchester, England.

Comical Holiday Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter

What funny jokes about holiday you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean travel jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make holiday pranks.

A German man visits America for holiday.

The TSA officer asks: "Occupation?"
The man says: "No, only holiday!"

I came back from holiday in India with a really heavy case of diarrhea...

...but they wouldn't let me take it through customs.

Thanksgiving in Bulgaria

Obviously Thanksgiving is an American holiday. However, as a former soldier deployed to Southern Europe, I was given a week long pass during the week of Thanksgiving. I decided to go to Bulgaria. You know what the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria is?
Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.

A boy goes on holiday to Mexico and texts his mate saying "Weather out here is just like your mother, 36 and hot"

His mate replies "Weather back here is just like your sister, 16 and wet"

Always on duty

A doctor has some trouble with the sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told it's his day off.
"But I get called out on my days off, too!" says the doctor, somewhat exasperated, and the plumber relents.
The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying,
"Put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, come and see me tomorrow."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack", he says, "I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday".
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger. He says that his dad is m**... Jagger, and it's okay for him to take out all of the money because he is friends with the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says "Sure, have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty tells him that she'll have to consult with the bank manager. She then disappears into the back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny elephant pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone".

A British man goes on holiday in Australia...

After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.
"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.
"No" replies the British man.
"Do you have a criminal record?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."

Two English Muslims go on holiday in Spain...

Two English Muslims go on a long holiday in Spain, and they're having a wonderful time until one day the weather turns and it rains for three days straight. On the fourth day, one of them looks out of the window in the morning.
"Ahmed, I think we can visit some of the local buildings today. We should bring an umbrella though."
"Ah, but Hissam, how is the weather looking on the forecast? Is it Sunni, or is it s**...'ite?"

Why is Halloween a h**...'s favorite holiday?

Because they like to pumpkin.
I'll see myself out...

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are discussing where to holiday...

The Holy Spirit, predictably, suggests Las Vegas, but God says he feels like a change this year.
God suggests Jerusalem, but Jesus vetoes - not after last time...
Jesus suggests The Vatican City. "Sounds good to me." says God. " Yeah I'd like that," says the Holy Spirit, "I've never been."

the explanation of just about every jewish holiday

they tried to kill us
they failed
lets eat

My girlfriend said to me "s**... is better on holiday"...

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

Two men and two women are on a train.

There is a mother and daughter on their way to have a holiday, and there is an old general and his valet, a young sergeant. The train goes through a tunnel, and everything is dark. There is a *mwsshk!* and a *s**...!* and the train leaves the tunnel.
The mother thinks, "that young man stole a kiss from my daughter and got slapped for it!"
The daughter thinks, "that young man tried to kiss me, and kissed my mother by mistake!"
The general thinks, "that upstart pup steals a kiss and I get slapped for it."
The sergeant thinks, "not bad! I just kiss my hand and get to slap the general, and here comes another tunnel!"

An old couple went on holiday to Jerusalem..

...But on the trip the wife died. A local priest then told the husband that he had two options. He could get her buried in Jerusalem for $30, or he could fly her back to their own country and get her buried there for $200. The husband quickly said that he wanted her buried at home. The priest didn't understand this and asked the husband why he didn't just bury her in Jerusalem. After all it was one of the holiest cities in the world, and he could save some money. The husband then told him that long ago a man was buried in this city, and 3 days later he resurrected from the dead, and he was definitely not willing to risk that happening with his wife.

I was on holiday in belgium...

Apparently it was obvious that I am German, because an elderly man came to me and said "you lost something ".
"What?" I asked surprised.
"The war" he replied.

A buddy of mine isn't sure whether he believes in creamy holiday beverages or not.

He's eggnogstic.

On the holidays I got quite drunk and being responsible decided to take a taxi home

It's still in my backyard what do you guys think I should do with it?

So I recently went to Australia...

I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."

A German man goes on holiday

to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions
"Hans Schmidt"
"Place of birth?"
"No, just visiting"

Working holiday

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a b**... there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
"Where are you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."

Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...

"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"
"I did Teacher"
"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"
"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."
"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to swim isn't, 1/2 a mile?"
"Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I'd got out of the bag!"

I was going from London to Australia for a holiday...

I was passing the security check at the airport and the man working there asked
"Sir, do you have a criminal record?"
"No, sorry. I didn't know it was still a requirement."

So h**... decides to go see a psychic...

...and the psychic tells him that he will die on the day of a Jewish holiday. h**..., obviously distraught, demands the psychic tell him more, and tries to coerce him into giving more details in hopes that he can somehow prevent it.
After much back and forth, the psychic finally snaps in impatience and says, "Well, whatever the day you die is going to be a Jewish holiday anyway,".

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

A Fencing instructor came back to the academy after a well deserved holiday

Only to find that the relief instructor had been teaching his students nothing else but to parry and counter.
Apparently all the sub could do was riposte.

I'm going on holiday to Egypt. A coworker told me it can get up to 100 degrees in the shade...

...I'll be staying out of the shade then.

A gay man was reading a holiday brochure then he tells his partner...

"this year we should try Greece"
his partner looks up n asks him "whats wrong with the Vaseline?

A woman on holiday was stung by a jellyfish...

She yells to her husband and says "I was stung by a jellyfish, you need to pee on it."
The husband runs over to the jellyfish and pees on it saying "that's for stinging my wife."

Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season!

If you want to drive safely we can help.
Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages
Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely

Hey everyone be careful on the road this holiday because there are a lot of people drinking

And their wives are driving

h**... went to see a fortune seer

h**... went to see a fortune seer. He walked in and demanded to know on what day he would die.
The seer replied "You will die on a Jewish holiday"
h**... wanted more in information than that, and asked "Which holiday?"
The seer just smirked and said "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday"

h**... goes to a psychic and asks...

On what day will I die?
The psychic says, On a Jewish holiday.
Skeptical, h**... asks, How can you be so sure?
Any day, on which you die, explains the psychic, will be a Jewish holiday.

I've been very anxious about being mugged while on holiday in mexico, so I've been taking v**... to calm my nerves.

So far I haven't had any Hispanic attacks.

My wife told me that "s**... is better on holiday".

Not the best postcard I've ever received.

h**... went to a fortune teller..

..and asked her, On what day will I die? The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. Why are you so sure of that? demanded h**....
Any day , she replied, on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.

My mother-in-law once went on holiday with a massive case of diarrhoea.

She only found out when she opened her suitcase.

So I rang the tourist office and asked:-

'What's the quickest way from the Holiday Inn to the museum?'
'Are you walking or driving?'
'Well, that would be the quickest way.'

A cyclops and his wife looking for their prefect holiday destination

Cyclobs: How do you spell Hawaii?
Wife: Well... You need two i's...
Cyclobs (putting the pen down): My life is just a joke to you isn't it, Linda?

My wife told me s**... was better on holiday

That wasn't a very nice postcard

A German was packing his luggage for holiday when his wife interrupts him...

"I hope you're not going to bring sausages again", she said, "They exploded everywhere last time and caused a frightful scene!"
"It'll be fine", He said, "Stop worrying about the wurst case scenario".

Bill: I've just got back from a holiday in Poole. Ben: In Dorset?

Bill: I'd recommend it to anyone.

A Canadian visits a small church while on holiday in Scotland.

The Canadian is intrigued by the intricately carved pulpit and, being something of a history buff, would like to know more about it so approaches the little old vicar.
"Excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to tell me what the pulpit is made of?"
"Aye. Wood."
"You would?"
"Nay yew, is oak."
"Oak? Eh?"
"Glad to have helped."

This was in a joke book from the 1940s

h**... went to a fortune teller and asked her, on what day will I die?
The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday.
Why are you so sure of that? Demanded h**...
Any day, she replied on which you die will become a Jewish holiday.

Mark Zuckerberg's car hit a guy's car

Mark Zuckerberg's car hit a guy's car
Guy (angry) : Do you know who I am?
Mark : Yes, you are Scott Thomas, you have 237 friends out of which 37 are females and your wife doesn't know 12 of them. Last holiday you went to Thailand and there you . . .
Guy : Leave it bro, it was my fault.

Today should be a holiday honoring all the truckers who have kept America going during the Covid epidemic.

A big 10-4, if you will.

I'm planning a camping holiday but, I have to say, I'm far from impressed with my travel insurance.

It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.

Scotsman on holiday: what's yon beast over there?

Canadian: That's a moose!
Scotsman: Och, If that's a moose, how big are your cats?

The CDC recommends that f**... gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.

f**... proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"

Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won

I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

A guy goes to a New Year's Day party. There are hundreds of people, holiday music is playing.

A few groups of people are playing cards. Others are shooting billiards. Yet another group is sitting around a warm fire telling stories. Everyone seems to be having a wonderful time. Realizing he is hungry, the man gets in a large queue and starts chatting with an old friend. After many minutes go by, he realizes he is not in the food line at all. He asks his friend about if this is the right line. Oh, no, the friend said...
This is the punchline.

A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami.

A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami. His first day there, he heads to the nearest beach bar and proceeds to pound down mai tais. After 5 or 6 drinks, he feels a strong urge to pee, and in his drunken state, he swivels his stool around and starts peeing right onto the sand. Just then, a young woman happens to walk by and shrieks "g**...!"
His cheeks blush as he yells back "Danke!"

h**... went to a fortuneteller

He went and asked her - " On which day will I die ? "
The seeress ensured him that he will die on a Jewish holiday.
" Why are you so sure about that ? " Demanded the angry h**....
" Any day " she replied, " On which day you die will be a Jewish holiday ".

I finally found the courage to tell my suitcases there will be no holiday abroad this year.

Now, I'm dealing emotional baggage.

My wife and I were going on holiday

And we were discussing our secret s**... fetishes. She said she always wanted to be handcuffed. So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase.

Adolf h**... went to consult a fortune teller

He asked the fortune teller: "When will I die?"
The fortune teller answered: "Sir, You will die on a Jewish holiday"
h**... asked back: "How are you so sure about that"
He replied: "Sir, whatever day you die on will be a Jewish holiday"

An Old Jewish Joke (you might have heard it)

h**... goes to see a fortune teller with a burning question. He enters her shop and sits before her.
"Fortune teller I have a question... when will I die?"
The fortune teller stares right at him and says without hesitation "You will die on a Jewish holiday"
Offended h**... glares at her. "How can you say this? You haven't consulted your crystal ball or even done anything. You didn't even think about it!"
The fortune teller looks deep into Hitlers eyes and tells him:
"Any day in which you die will be a Jewish holiday"

I once took a holiday to the North Pole

It was great while I was there but after that my holiday just went south.

Putin consulted with a fortune teller

The fortune teller predicted that Putin would die on a Ukrainian holiday.
Putin asks: "Which one?
To which the fortune teller responded, Whenever you die it will be a Ukrainian holiday!

My wife told me s**... was better on holiday.

Which to be honest isn't the best postcard to receive.

A Russian man drives up to the border with Finland

The Finnish border guard takes his passport and asks the man - "Occupation?"
"No. Only a holiday."

A photon went on holiday.

When checking in at the airport...
Check In agent. "Do you have any luggage sir?"
Photon. "No, I'm travelling light"

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked:

"How long will I live?"
The psychic replied:
"I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday."
"Which holiday?" Putin asked.
"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."

A group of engineering students and their professor were given free airline tickets to go on a holiday...

Once they boarded the plane, the captain announced that they would be flying on a plane that the students had built.
Every one of the students panicked and left the plane, except for the professor. When the flight attendant asked the professor why he hadn't left the plane too he responded "I know the abilities of my students quite well... this s**... won't even start".

i was in Jerusalem for a holiday

Needing my cuppa of java i wandered into a cafe and was served by a male barista. I found it odd that there were no female Baristas so i made it a point to keep a lookout for them across the holy land.
From Starbucks to coffee club, from hipster cafes to neighborhood coffeehouses, not a female barista could be found.
Perplexed by this, i finally asked the Jewish barista at the starbucks at the airport when i was about to leave. He thought about it for a moment, shrugged his shoulders and said simply:

I'm ready for a holiday.

p**... says to m**...,
I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant, last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
m**... asks,
"So what are you going to do this year?"
p**... replies,
"I'll b**... take her with me!"

Kanye went to a fortune teller to see what was in his future

The fortune teller told him that he will die on a Jewish holiday. Kanye asked how she could be so sure. "Any day" she replied "you die will be a Jewish holiday"

Holiday scams

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and hands over a few singles to pay for it. The bartender picks up the $1 bills and carefully scutinizes them, holding them up to the light. "What are you doing?" the guy asks. "There's a new scam going around this holiday season," the bartender replies. "People are passing around counterfeit $1 bills, so be careful. "So, what you're telling me is I should keep an eye out for hot singles in my area," the guy says.

Holiday joke, Holiday scams

jokes about holiday