Comical Hole Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole
you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"
I know he means well...
Golf lessons
A young woman has been taking golf lessons. She has just started playing her first round of golf when she suffers a bee sting. The pain is so intense she decides to return to the clubhouse.
Her golf pro sees her come into the clubhouse and asks, "why are you back so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee"
"where?" he asks.
"between the first and second hole," she replies.
He nods knowingly and says, "apparently your stance is too wide."
Why should honeymoons only last six days?
Because seven days makes a hole weak.
Why did the bald guy cut a hole in his pocket?
Because he wanted to run his fingers through his hair.
A woman is playing golf...
... when she gets stung by a bee. She goes into the clubhouse and tells an employee what has happened:
Woman: "Hello, I was stung by a bee."
Man: "Where were you stung?"
Woman: "Between the first hole and the second hole."
Man: "Your stance is too wide."
I always thought the hole in boxer briefs was a messy idea...
until I learned it goes in the front.
There were 3 moles living in a hole...
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."
A cowboy takes a break from the range and heads out to LA for a cowboy convention . . .
When he gets to LA, he decides to stop at a local watering hole and grab a beer. He's sitting there in his hat, jeans, and boots, when a woman walks up and sits down beside him.
Woman: Are you a cowboy?
Cowboy: Well yes ma'am, I am.
Woman: Like a real deal cowboy?
Cowboy: I don't know any other kind.
Woman: I've never met a real cowboy before.
Cowboy: Well now you have.
Woman: Well?
Cowboy: Well what?
Woman: Aren't you going to ask what I am?
Cowboy: Well, uh, what are you?
Woman: I'm a lesbian.
Cowboy: A lesb- . . . I don't believe I know what that is.
Woman: It means that I like women. I like to kiss them and touch them and make love to them.
Cowboy: . . . .
The woman gets up and leaves and another woman comes into the bar. She spots the cowboy sitting there with his beer and takes a seat beside him.
Woman: Are you a cowboy?
Cowboy: Well ma'am, I thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
harharhar.
"The total cost would be £3000," said the f**... director.
"And that includes digging the grave."
"Is that the whole thing?" I asked.
He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."
Bury the dead!
One day little Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Timmy shot back, "That's because he's inside your f**...' cat!!!"
You can explore hole caddy reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean hole supermassive dad jokes. There are also hole puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
There were 2 blondes...
So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".
An old cowboy told his grandson...
An old cowboy told his grandson "The secret to a long, healthy life is to put a pinch of gunpowder in your oatmeal every morning." The grandson took this advice to heart, and everyday for the rest of his life put a pinch of gunpowder in his oatmeal every morning. When he died at the age of 132 he left behind 5 children, 12 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, 78 great great grandchildren, and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
My GF said she wanted to try in the other hole.
I'm afraid she might get pregnant, what should I do ?
A woman is out playing golf...
...and she gets stung by a bee. It's annoying, but she finishes her game. Afterwards, she's having a drink in the clubhouse and mentions to one of the golf pros hanging out there what happened.
"Oh that's too bad," he says. "Where did you get stung?"
"Right between the first and second hole," she tells him.
"Hmmm," he says, "Sounds like your stance is too wide."
A large hole appeared outside the local police station.
They're looking into it.
My mom said she's going to dig a hole in the garden and fill it full of water....
....she means well
A joke about golfers.
Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large f**... procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.
Popped a tire on a p**... hole today
Badum tss
This will blow your mind!
If you take the pin out of a grenade and put your ear to the hole you can hear the faint sound of the world wide I.Q average increasing.
A hole appeared in the wall around the local nudist colony.
Police are looking into it.
The moist finger
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, at first encountering resistance but then plunging in, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds, before I knew it, she was going down on me.
And I thought to myself..... "I really need a new freakin' boat."
A black hole and a nebula go out to lunch...
A black hole and a nebula are at a restaurant. The nebula orders a ginormous amount of food and the black hole only orders a drink and a small appetizer.
The nebula says the the black hole, "Are you sure you don't want more?"
The black hole replies, "Nah, I eat light"
My mom dropped this one on me
Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"
I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.
Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."
A star walks into a black hole...
... but it doesn't seem phazed. The black hole turns to the star and says, "Sir, I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation."
Do you know why donuts have a hole in them?
Because the baker made them with love. ^^^^^also ^^^^^why ^^^^^they're ^^^^^glazed
Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason l**... use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.
I smell maple syrup!
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is . . . . .
molasses."
How do you cover 18 holes with one hole?
Have your mom sit down on a golf course.
Joke of the day about blondes.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see." :-D
Some campers wake up in the morning and start making breakfast...
Nearby is a family of moles living in their burrow underground. Papa mole wakes up and crawls up to the hole and says, "It smells delicious up here! I can smell sausage and eggs and is that some ham frying too?" So mama mole climbs up and she's greeted with the sweet smells of breakfast. "I smell fresh toast and flap jacks and maybe a hint of cinnamon!" Baby mole tries to enjoy the smells but can't get past mama and papa through the hole and says, "All I can smell is molasses."
I put a black hole in my living room.
It's great. Really pulls the room together.
My friend always tells me "cheer up, at least you aren't stuck in a deep hole full of water"
I know he means well...
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bathtub??
Well, the woman in church has hope in her soul, but the woman in tub has soap in her hole...
I took my finger out of her hole, and in seconds she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, Man. I am really gonna miss this boat.
A hole was found in a nudist camp wall
The police are now looking into it.
Lady golfer
A lady comes up to the clubhouse after playing playing a few holes and she is fuming
She says
"A bee stung me"
The man at the desk replies
"where did the bee sting you
The lady replies
"Between hole 1 and 2"
The man at the desk says
"That's your problem, your stance is too wide"
A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.
He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.
He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.
He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days...
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse , I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.
I know he means well.
You should always bring two pairs of pants golfing.
Just in case you get a hole in one.
My friend is really optimistic and is always telling me : "Cheer up, you could be in a deep hole filled with water..."
I know he means well...
What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?
A key!
This is one of the oldest jokes ever recorded. It was found in a 10th century book of Anglo Saxon poetry.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the m**... of Juan Gonzalez.
How was he killed asked one detective. With a golf gun. Replied the second detective.
A golf gun? What's a golf gun?
I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink...
The bartender asks if he'd like food with that.
The black hole said "no thanks, I'm a light eater."
I invented a new golf ball that'll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.
Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.
I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
Well... Well... Well...
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground...
My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole
Fair enough it was her sister's but still...
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: What are you doing there, Nancy?
My goldfish died, Nancy sobbed. And I've just buried him.
The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, don't you think?
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: That's because he's inside your cat.
My friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.
I know he means well.
I was digging in the garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run inside and tell my wife.
But then I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden.
My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.
Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.
This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
I invented a new golf ball for amateurs that will automatically go in the hole if you get it within four inches.
Disclaimer: Do not carry it in your back pocket!
A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.
The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"
I was cleaning one of my finger guns.
I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
In honour of my first cake day, here's a few of my favourite riddles. Feel free to try them on your friends.
Q: What gets bigger, the more you take away from it?
A: A hole
Q: What two words have thousands of letters in them?
A: Post office
Q: The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
A: A coffin
Q: What travels all over the world, but stays in the corner?
A: A stamp
Q: What runs all around a field, but doesn't move?
A: A fence
Q: What starts with E, ends with e and only has one letter in it?
A: Envelope
A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, "19! 19! 19! 19!"
Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting "20! 20! 20!"
A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course...
"I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"
The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide".
A prisoner digs a hole out of jail....
.... and ends up in a toddler playground
and yells "I'm free! I'm free!"
and a kids walks up and says "So big deal, I'm four!"
A family of moles
A family of moles awakens from hibernation. The father mole pokes his head out of the hole and says "I smell tulips it must be spring". The mother mole pokes her head out of the hole and says " I smell cherry blossoms it must be spring". The baby mole is trying to squeeze between his parents but gets stuck and says "all I smell is molasses"
My girl said she had enough of my mansplaining. She said the next time I do it, she'll throw me into a deep hole filled with water
I know she means well.
A lady walks into the pro shop to complain about bee stings
A lady walks into the pro shop to complain about bee stings while she is golfing.
The pro asks: where'd you get stung?
Between the first and second hole , she answers.
The pro replied: your stance is too wide .
My friend keeps saying, "cheer up, man. You could be in an underground hole full of water."
I know he means well.
Not all construction work is equally enjoyable.
For instance, drilling a large hole is boring, but fastening two pieces of metal together is riveting.
I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.
I'm well aware
A woman is walking in a park when she sees two men working.
One man digs a hole, the other fills it back in. The two men go to another spot, the first man digs another hole, and the second man fills it back in. They then go to another spot. Again, the first man digs a hole and the second man fills it back in. They keep doing this for a while until finally the woman walks up to them and asks, "Why do you guys keep digging holes and then filling them back in?"
One of the men responds, "Well, there's usually a third guy who puts in the tree, but he's sick today.
I've been feeling really depressed, and my best friend isn't helping
I try to talk about my feelings with him, but he'll just say vaguely supportive things that really don't help. He'll say things like hey, cheer up buddy. I know things seem tough but at least you're not stuck in one of those, you know, those holes in the ground? The thing with the bucket so you can get water from the hole.
I know he means well.
"Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?"
"In case they get a hole in one!"
A hole has been discovered in the fence that surrounds a nudist camp.
Authorities are looking into it.
My wife told me she is so sick of my mansplaining, and if I don't stop she's going to throw me in a deep hole with water in it.
I know she means well.
My friend was like "Cheer up, man. It could be worse. You could be in a hole in the ground full of water."
I know he means well.
I have a male to female trans friend who just finished her gender reassignment surgery.
I asked how she felt afterwards and she said...
"I feel hole inside!"
(This joke is not meant to be transphobic, it exists purely for the pun. Trans rights!)
A guy is camping and finds his buddy standing over an outhouse toilet about to drop a $50 bill down the hole.
What on earth are you doing? he asks his buddy.
His friend replies I was taking a dump and a $10 bill fell out of my pocket and went down the hole…… and I sure as h**... ain't going down there for ten bucks .
My wife suggested that to spice things up in the bedroom, we should try the "other hole"
I said "no way", don't want her getting pregnant again.
What is the legal loop hole in breaking and entering laws?
The Santa Clause
I have invented a golf ball that will go in the hole if within 4 inches.
Don't put it in your back pocket.
Obit
This printed in a Texas newspaper :
The oldest cowboy in Texas died this week at the age of 106.
On his birthday he was asked his secret to longevity and he said that for the past 50 years he has sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.
He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.
An elderly woman is moving into a retirement home
As part of the admissions process she has a check-up by the resident doctor. The doctor asks, "So have you been having any problems?"
Woman: "Well, I have noticed something unusual. I have this hole in my chest between my b**...."
Doctor: "Hmm, let me have a quick look."
The woman lifts up her blouse.
The doctor bends over to take a closer look, and she says, "Oh you really have nothing to worry about. It's just your belly button."
What's worse than finding a hole in your shoe?
Finding a shoe in your hole.
A pig walked into a tattoo store
A pig walked into a tattoo store.
Tattooist: How can I help you?
Pig: I want to have a tattoo on my body that makes me look wealthy.
Tattooist: Sure.
The tattooist drawn a rectangular hole on the pig's back.
what did the man say when he fell in a hole full of water?
Oh well
I had a dream that I kept falling into a big round dark abyss.
That's it. Thats the hole dream.
