90+ Fun-Filled Holding Jokes to Boost Your Mood

Fun-Filled Holding Jokes to Boost Your Mood

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a p**... in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber p**... here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, You'll need more ammo

My daughter came up to me and said

My daughter came up to me and said "daddy when my cat died why were its legs in the air?" I replied "well that's so Jesus can grab it to take it to heaven." "That means mummy nearly died this morning!" She said, I asked "how?"
"well when I looked in her bedroom she was screaming "Jesus I'm coming!" And if it wasn't for the postman holding her down he would have got her."

A woman had 2 pet rabbits.

When they both died unexpectedly, she decided to get them stuffed so she took them to a taxidermist.

"Would you like them mounted?" the taxidermist asked.

She thought about it for a moment and said, "no, holding hands is fine".

An old man stumbles into a bar after having had a few already...

Once inside, he slides up to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. "To the class of '55!" he yells, holding the glass aloft. Next to him, an old drunk raises his glass, "To the class of '55!"

"Where you from?" asks the first man of the second after they both toast.

"I'm from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania."

"You don't say?! I'm from Pittsburgh!"

The two men drink to their hometown.

"What high school did you go to?" Ask the second man as he orders them another round.

"St Ignaius on Lombard Street."

"You're kidding me, I went to St Ignaius!" The two toast the coincidence and sling an arm over each other's shoulders as they begin to fondly reminisce about the old days.

A bar regular walks in and calls out to the bartender, "Hey Steve, what's going on?"

"Oh nothing," Steve replies, "The Johnson twins are drunk again."

A little boy and a clown are walking into the woods together holding hands

It's night time and everything is very dark.

The little boy turns to the clown and says "I'm scared"

To which the clown turns to him and replies "You're scared! I'm the one that's gotta walk out of here alone"

Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...

...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".

A boy sees that his pet turtle isn't moving...

"Mommy, my turtle is dead," wailed the little boy to his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.

His mom said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in a tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a lovely burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for a yummy big ice cream, and then get you a great new pet, like a puppy!" Just then, she noticed the turtle move. "Look! Your turtle isn't dead after all!"

"Oh," said the little boy, "can we kill it?"

A priest and a pastor...

... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'

They hold up the sign to cars passing by.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.

From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Three Engineers

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are sitting around and talking about God.

The mechanical engineer says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body - a light-weight skeleton with moving parts holding up a massive frame of muscle and fat. God must be a mechanical engineer!"

The electrical engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is an electrical engineer. Just look at the human body - the nerve system routes electrical signals to the brain which is essentially a computer. God must be an electrical engineer!"

The civil engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is a civil engineer. Just look at the human body - only a civil engineer would run a toxic waste pipe through a playground."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

2 parrots

A woman tells her priest, Father, I have a problem. My two female parrots only say, 'Hi, cutie. Wanna have some fun?'
Don't worry, says the priest. I have two male parrots who only pray and read the Bible. We'll put them in the same cage—your parrots are sure to stop saying that horrid phrase.
The next day, the woman takes her parrots to the priest's home. The male parrots are inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. When the woman places the female parrots in the cage, they cry out, Hi, cutie. Wanna have some fun?
One male says to the other, Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!

You can explore holding ahold reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean holding front dad jokes. There are also holding puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Still the best blonde joke to date..

A brunette, a redhead, and a blond escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. The firemen are on the street below,
holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only
chance to survive!"

The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen y**... the blanket
away. The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead.

"No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!"

"OK" says the redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen y**... the
blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Only the blonde remains on top of the building. Again, the
firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me
that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you
to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."

Losing my virginity was a lot like riding a bike for the first time.

My dad was holding me from behind.

A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."

A groaner just for you...

Q. What do you have if you are holding a mothball in your right hand and a mothball in your left hand?

A. A **VERY** large moth...

Three prostitutes in a bar...

First one holds up four fingers "I can take that inside me" she says.
"Well, I can take this" says the second, holding up a fist.
The third one slides slowly down the bar stool.

Guy robs a bank...

While holding all of the customers hostage, he asks o**..., "Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer says that he did and the robber shoots him in the head.

He then asks another customer, "did you see me rob this bank?" and the guy says, "no, but my wife did."

Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question:

Why were they all holding bags of candy?

I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the f**... to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him c**...-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"

I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...

He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.

o**... Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message

o**... Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message to let him know he is still alive:-
"370H SSV 0773H." Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI and CIA
can't decipher it. So they ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies:-
"Er, tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

I got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand

They wanted to know where the rest of her body was

Dating is a lot like fishing

Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

The first time I've had s**... was like the first time I rode my bike

My dad was holding me from behind

At the 3rd grade violin rehearsal ...

... Donnie Corleone Jr. walks in, opens his violin case and unveils, to the shock of all, a tommy gun. The teachers are livid, panic nearly ensues, but Donnie just starts laughing uncontrollably.

"What's wrong with you? This is serious! Why are you laughing?"

"Because I just imagined dad holding up the bank with my violin."

The pretty teacher was concerned with

one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a c**...!"

A woman was 9 months pregnant...

...and she didn't wanna go to the hospital no matter what. One day she is walking up the stairs inside her home when her water breaks, she then lays down Right there and gives birth with the assistance of her husband. Once the baby is born the mother is holding her baby and says to her husband "I don't think this is yours..." He looks at her confused and asks "what do you mean?", she looks him in the eyes and says "because it's a step-child"

Finding a girlfriend is a lot like fishing...

There are plenty of fish in the sea, but it's just you holding your rod until you catch one.

My first time having s**... was just like my first time riding a bike

My dad was holding me from behind.

Jimmy's First Cow

One fine morning on the family farm, Jimmy excitedly ran into the house with a glass of milk. He can't wait to show his father so he runs into the living room.

He shouts "Hey dad! I just milked my first cow!" while proudly holding up the glass of milk and then chugging the entire thing.

His dad stares at him horrified and says "But son... we don't have a cow, we have a bull"

I can still remember my Grandpa's last words to me:

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

My city is holding their annual i**... competition...

I've entered my sister...

What's the main use for leather in the world?

Holding cows together

My wife said she would leave me if I didn't stop making Pokémon references...

'You need to make a choice' she said 'It's either me or the s**... pokémon references!'

'I understand', I replied, holding back tears. 'Sandra, I choose you!!!'

A pirate's wife asks him what body part he'd be most okay with losing

The pirate thinks and replies, "my spine!"

"Why?" says his wife, a little surprised

"Because it's holding me back!"

There's plenty more fish in the sea

But until I catch one I'm left here holding my rod.

How do feminists screw in a lightbulb?

By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them

A ghost was arrested

And placed in a holding cell with others as they await processing. The ghost turns to the man and asks "what did you get arrested for?"
"Shoplifting" he says, "how about you?"

The ghost smiles and says "possession".

"Dmytry! I take my hat off to you!"

"You and Sarah have been married for 50 years, whenever I see you walking around town you are still holding hands!
Well." Dmytry began

"If I let her go she will surely buy something!"

Translated from Russian, sorry if I made mistakes.

What's more useless than a Gender Studies degree?

the feminist holding it

An Inuit man walks into a pet store...

An Inuit man walks into a pet store holding a dead, bloodied seal, he screams at the owner "SOMEONE HAS CLUBBED MY SEAL, I DEMAND A REFUND!" The owner looks at him and says, "Sorry, warranty void if seal is broken."

Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."

A Black Guy, a Mexican, and a Muslim holding a Gay Chicken Walk Into a Bar

Bartender says, "We don't do jokes in here."

The chicken says, "Come on guys I know a place across the street."

I got $20 from a blind homeless man on the street today!

He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.

I don't think i need a spine,

it's holding me back

I saw a black man running..

I was walking down the street one evening and I saw a black man running holding a television. I thought to my self "i wonder if that's mine", so I hurried back home and lo and behold it was still there, shining my shoes.

"The neighbors hate us."

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."

A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road

They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"

A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.

From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

What do you call a monkey holding a fire c**...?

A Baboom!

My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away

He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade

A man is standing on the bow of the Titanic as it is sinking, holding a glass of whiskey.

He says: "I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous"

A guy ring's his new girlfriend's doorbell

She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in.

She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"

"Don't be silly" says her boyfriend, "you must have a vase somewhere!"

I was holding a door open for this asian guy and he said "sank you".

I punched him square in the jaw, how dare he bring up pearl harbour like that.

They say that there are plenty of fish in the sea.

But until I catch one, I'm just going to be sitting here, holding my rod.

im thinking about removing my spine...

i feel like its only holding me back

I keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards

No one knows what I'm dealing with.

I'll never forget what my grandpa said to me just before he died...

"are you still holding the ladder?"

The doctor asked, how many fingers am I holding up?

I said, feels like two. Can you finish the prostate exam please?

Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!"

The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."

A woman walks onto a bus

A woman walks onto a bus holding her baby. As she scans her card, the bus driver looks up to her and says, "Have a sea... Whoa, that is an ugly baby!!".
The lady is shocked and shields the baby with her hand and takes a seat. She just sits there getting more and more angry. The man sitting next to her asks what's wrong.

She says, "That bus driver insulted me the moment I stepped onto this bus. He's a government employee!"

"You don't have to put up with that," the man said.

"You know what, you're right! I'm going to go up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"Good for you! I'll hold your monkey."

t**... holding dad at gunpoint-

t**...: "Say your last words!"

Dad: "Your last words!"

t**...: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"

Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"

t**...: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"

Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."

t**...: "What's a 'henway'"?

Dad: "About a pound and a half."

t**...: "Stop! I'm serious!"

Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"

Two police officers walk into a crime scene.

They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of w**... each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.

One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint s**...."

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I'm holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

Meanwhile at the s**... Donor Bank

A guy walks into a s**... donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He goes up to the nurse and demands for her to open the s**... bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a s**... bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the s**... samples. The guy says "Take one of those s**... samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are s**... samples???" , "DO IT!".

So the nurse s**... it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard is it ?."

Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..

He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.

Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian tribe called the Fakawi!

Excited by this discovery Johnny runs home to tell his mother about his find.

"Mum, mum!", Johnny shouts, "I met native members of the Fakawi tribe today!".

"How did you know who they were?" Mum asks.

"Well that was easy," says little Johnny, "everywhere they went they were telling people, "We're the fakawi!"".

With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea...

But I'm just stuck here holding my rod

I'll never forget my Uncle's last words to me just before he died.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?

Magician: I can make anything disappear!

Tom: (holding up a cup) Really? Make my tea disappear.

Magician: (waves hand) Done!

om: (looks in cup) It didn't work.

An African man visits his friend in the US

I just flew in yesterday the African man says And boy are my arms tired!

You know, that's kind of an old joke here in America replied his friend.

Joke? The African man said. I've been holding my hands in the air yelling 'don't shoot' ever since I got to this d**... country .

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."

"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."

Once, me and my family wanted to bake some marshmallows in the campfire.

We had the poles with marshmallows sticked to them prepared when we heard sirens. We all ran out to see what happened. The neighbours' house was on fire and I saw a lot of firefighters trying to get the fire under control. The neighbours looked at us with pure disgust. That was the moment I realized we were still holding the sticks with marshmallows.

A woman just gave birth to a baby boy. Unfortunately....

MI6, CIA and KGB are competing against each other...

Last competition. The mission is to find a bear in a 10000 sq/km forest
MI6 goes first. Using dogs and 1000 agents they have found a bear in 12 hours.
CIA goes next. Using satellites and heatvisors they found a bear in 6 hours
KGB goes last. Two agents enters a forest and came out of it in 5 minutes. One of them is holding a rabbit by his ears.
Judges- And?
One KGB agent hits a rabbit.
Rabbit - ok ok i confess i'm a bear!!!

I'm a bartender

Guy: One Mojito please

Me: Sure

Guy: Can you make it v**...?

Me (Holding back tears): Yes... yes I can

A man driving down a winding country lane noticed two people on the road.

They were wearing robes and sandals, had s**... heads and holding up signs.

One sign read "The End is Near!"

The other sign read "Change Before it's Too Late!"

He slowed the car and rolled down the window. "Get lost you religious nuts!" He yelled.

He sped off round the corner. There was a squeal of brakes and a loud splash.

One of the sign- holders turned to the other and said "Maybe we should simply write 'warning: bridge ahead closed'"

The neighbors hate us.

Everyone in my family is bad at holding in their p**....

Sadly, it runs in our jeans.

How many Karens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, She just stands there holding it while the world revolves around her.

The police came to my house tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

I saw my math teacher walking down the corridor holding some graph paper.

I thought, he's plotting something .

One day while a cowboy was building a barn.....

he lost his favorite book. A week later, one of his horses came up to him holding the book in its mouth. The cowboy was stunned. He took the book from the horse and said, It's a miracle!

Not exactly, said the horse. Your name is written inside.

A woman put on some clothes and walked out to her garden and saw a man in her tree.

"What on earth is going on here?" she asked.

The man replied, "I'm every so sorry, madam. An awfully embarrassing incident has happened here. I'm a skydiving instructor, the landing didn't go as I'd expected."

The woman frowned, and said, "But there's no parachute...and why are you holding binoculars?"

"How else do you expect me to find my parachute?" he asked.

A circus is holding auditions and a 91 year old man shows up. "What do you do?" asks the ringmaster.

"I bend over backwards," says the man, "and pick up a handkerchief off the floor with my teeth."

"Wow," says the ringmaster, impressed that this elderly man is agile enough to do this. "Then what do you do?" he asks.

"Then I bend over again," says the man, "and pick up my teeth."

A policeman stops a car that is going very slowly on the I40 highway, and says to the driver "Why are you going so slow? You're holding up traffic!"

"Well," says the man, "the signs say I40."

"That's the road number," says the policeman, "not the speed limit."

Then he notices a woman in the back seat, trembling all over. "Is your passenger all right, sir?" he asks.

"Don't worry officer," says the man, "my wife is always like that when we come off Hwy I170."

A skydiver is unable to open their c**... and sees a guy passing them in the opposite direction holding a matchstick.

Skydiver says, "do you know anything about parachutes?"

Guy replies, "do you know anything about gas cookers?"

Holiday scams

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and hands over a few singles to pay for it. The bartender picks up the $1 bills and carefully scutinizes them, holding them up to the light. "What are you doing?" the guy asks. "There's a new scam going around this holiday season," the bartender replies. "People are passing around counterfeit $1 bills, so be careful. "So, what you're telling me is I should keep an eye out for hot singles in my area," the guy says.

Jesus's favorite gun

My uncle is a member of the NRA. He came over for the Christmas dinner wearing a shirt with Jesus on it. I noticed his shirt and complimented it.

He then took his jacket off and showed me the back. On it, Jesus was holding a PK in one hand and an AK-47 on the other. Above it was text that reads "What would Jesus shoot?" That question was a no brainer. I answered "a nail gun."

I don't know why he got mad. Jesus was a carpenter.

A blind man with a service dog walked into a bar

The construction worker holding the bar said, "Dude, you need a new dog!"

Ill never forget the last thing my grandfather said to me before he died...

Are you still holding the ladder!!!

Holding Jokes