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Holding Breath Jokes

65 holding breath jokes and hilarious holding breath puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about holding breath that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Holding Breath Short Jokes

Short holding breath jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The holding breath humour may include short breathing jokes also.

  1. When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would have survived the same situation... Almost died in Finding Nemo
  2. I like to hold my breath whenever a character goes underwater in a movie. That way I know if I'd survive if I were that character. I was rushed to the E.R after Finding Nemo
  3. What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
  4. Me to My Neighbour we get it. you can hold your breath (*looks at watch*) for 19 days. Quit showing off and come out of that pool.
  5. Holding down the power button until my device turns off feels like strangling someone until they stop breathing. Except I usually hope my device turns back on.
  6. Look, people... Trump is going to be President, so let's just hold our breath for the next four years. With any luck, we'll turn blue.
  7. I've always tried to hold my breath when a character is under water, to see if I could survive the situation Finding Nemo was a tough one
  8. I asked my brother how long he could hold his breath underwater for. I'm amazed. It's been three hours and he's still going.
  9. Whenever I see an underwater scene in a movie, I hold my breath Almost died in Finding Nemo
  10. My wife was having trouble breathing last night. I think I wasn't holding the pillow down tight enough.

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Holding Breath One Liners

Which holding breath one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with holding breath? I can suggest the ones about mouth breathing and breathing heavy.

  1. Yo momma's breath so stank, when she talks to her plants they hold their breath.
  2. how to get rid of hiccups Hold your breath for 15 minutes
  3. Whats pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. Whats blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath
  4. What's small, round, and blue? A cranberry holding its breath.
  5. I won the drowning competition. Wanna know my secret? Well, don't hold your breath!
  6. Why are gay men so good at holding their breath? There isnt a lot of air in a closet
  7. Why is the sky blue? The Earth is holding its breath.
  8. Chuck Norris can play the saxophone... while holding his breath.
  9. Chuck Norris is the only person able beat a fish at holding his breath under water.
  10. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
  11. I was going to tell a joke about auto e**... asphixiation. But i wouldn't hold my breath.
  12. Why did the r**... hold his breath? He had the hiccups

Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Holding Breath Jokes and Friends

What funny jokes about holding breath you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean breath underwater jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make holding breath pranks.

When characters in the movies go underwater, I like to hold my breath to see how long I can last. I almost died in Finding Nemo.

On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman, in particular, loses it!
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of s**... in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's drop-dead gorgeous.
Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt.
Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, iron this."

An easy question to Albert Einstein!

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

A plane passes through a fierce storm...

In a transatlantic flight, the turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse whenone wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane, "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I am going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of s**... in my life, but no one has ever made me feel like a woman! I've had it! Is there ANYONE on the plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?!"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare riveted at the desperate woman in front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous — tall, built with long, flowing balck hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers: "Iron this."

A man walks into a bar...

Shadily dressed in a trench coat with the collar pulled up and a fedora pulled down over his face. A livid scar runs down his cheek, and his two tone shoes are dangerously polished. In his hands he's carrying an accordion case. The bar falls completely silent. All of the patrons turn pale and freeze as the man strolls up to the bar and sets the case down on the counter. Everyone holds their breath. Suddenly, the man flips open the case and pulls out a machine gun! And everyone in the bar breathes a sigh of relief.

Pink Fluff...

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink Fluff
What's Blue and Fluffy?
Pink Fluff holding it's breath.
(My niece told me this)

The badger

A husband and wife are driving home and run over a badger, they get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold.
The husband says,"Put it between your legs to warm it up."
The Wife replies "But it's all wet and it stinks!"
Husband says "Well, hold its nose!".

An electrician walks into intensive care

and yells: 'Hold your breaths, I am about to start replacing circuit breakers'

Man runs over a skunk...

His wife yells at him to drive back to see if it's still alive...
So they drive back and truly, the skunk was still breathing, so the wife wants to take it to the vet. So she takes it to the car and asks her husband: "Where should I put it?"
The husband says: "I don't know... just hold it between your legs?"
Wife: "OK... but... what about the stench?"
Husband: "Oh, the stench?? Well, just cover it's snout..."

During movies when characters go underwater, I hold my breath and see if I could've survived that situation...

I almost died in _Finding Nemo_

As a purple faced man I long to meet a purple faced woman someday...

Don't hold your breath

Obscene Caller

A woman answered a call from an unknown number.
"Hello," said the obscene caller, as he breathed heavily, "if you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."
Listen honey," drawled the lady, "if you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested"

My wife and I had a competition of who could hold their breath longer under water.

I lasted a minute, but my wife has been down there for ten years and counting.

Sometimes whenever I watch an underwater scene in a movie I try to hold my breath as long as the characters do to see if I'd survive in that situation.

I almost died watching Finding Nemo.

How long can a s**... whale hold its breath?

83 minutes.
Guess what a breath whale can do?

As a purple faced man, one day I hope to meet a purple faced women...

They tell me I shouldn't hold my breath

My son threatened to hold his breath until he got ice cream

He passed out on the floor.
I don't negotiate with terrorists.

I asked my coach if he thought I'd win today's swim meet.

He told me, don't hold your breath, kid.
So I drowned.

My brother and I were having a breath holding contest in the pool.

He's really good, been down there for 6 hours now.

The bottom suddenly falls out of a plane.

All passengers hold themselves up in the conveniently placed assist grips.
The usual jingle is heard through the speakers, as the co-pilot speaks slowly and clearly: "Just now, all of our fuel has been used."
The frightened passengers look at each other.
The pilot speaks again with heavy breathing: "We need to lose some weight to assure a safe landing. If you are unselfish, brave and willing to be a hero, please let go of the assistive grips."
A deep voice pierces the air. "I'm on it" a middle-aged man says, letting go and falling to his doom.
Amused by his empathy and bravery, the rest of the passengers proceed to clap.

What does your mom and a trash can have in common?

Even if it's full, you just gotta hold your breath and stick it in.

I've just broken the British record for holding your breath underwater - 8 minutes 42 seconds.

It all started when a little girl in the swimming pool shouted "That's him, Daddy, over there!"

My marriage counselor told me to try anything my wife wants to do for at least 10 minutes.

So she asked me to hold my breath.

A King and Queen are having trouble conceiving a child...

So the king starts holding his breath. When the Queen asks him why he says, "How can I breathe when there's no heir?"

Transcript of leaked 911 call...

Operator : "This is 911, what is the emergency?"
Caller : "Please come quick, my little boy got a hold of a box condoms - he thought it was candy and swallowed them! Oh my god, please hurry!"
Operator : "Ok ma'am remain calm, I will contact an ambulance. Is your son choking or having any trouble breathing?"
Caller : "What, no he's fine. Wait, can you just hold a sec? " '...mumbling in background...' "Oh, nevermind, you don't have to send anybody. My husband just found another one in his wallet."

Here is an OC joke for you

3 boys are at a pool talking about their dads
The first one says:"my dad can hold his breath under water for 50 seconds, bet your dad's can't beat that"
The second kid says"piff, your dad is nothing compared to mine, he can hold his breath for 2 minutes"
The third kid laughs at the first 2 boys and say" you guys think that is impressive? My dad has been under the pool for 2 years and haven't even surfaced to take a breath"

A Lady was conducting her Anti-Drinking campaign outside a bar......

A man came out of the Bar exuding alcohol fumes.
The Lady asked him :"Tell me. If you arrive at the Gates of Heaven with your breath smelling of liquor, do you think the Lord will let you in?"
"My good woman" passionately holding her hand, said the man, "When I go to Heaven I expect to leave my breath behind."

A Lady was conducting her anti drinking campaign outside a bar.....

A heavily drunk man came out of the Bar exuding alcohol fumes. The Lady stopped him and said - "Tell me!!! If you arrive at the Gates of Heaven with your breath smelling of liquor... Do you think the Lord will let you in ???"
"My good woman" passionately holding her hand, said the man, "When I go to Heaven I expect to leave my breath behind."

The secret to a good marriage

It was grandparents day at school.
"Steven, please come up here and tell the class your story about your grandparent", the teacher said.
"Goodmorning everyone", Steven begins. " My grandpa is a very wise man. He has the answer to everything. He has been married for almost 50 years now. So I asked him , what was his secret. He looked at me, thought a bit and began. son there only one single thing to a good marriage...."
The whole class seemed to hold their breath. Everything seemed to stand still.
" And when I find out what that is, I will get married again".

Lung cancer has done a real number on me; I don't have long left. Doc said he's going to get me a donor lung..

…but I'm not holding my breath.

Why are l**... jealous of whales?

Because they have 9 foot long tongues and can hold their breath for hours.