Hold My Beer Jokes
89 hold my beer jokes and hilarious hold my beer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hold my beer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Hold My Beer Short Jokes
Short hold my beer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hold my beer humour may include short holding breath jokes also.
- A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."
- A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."
- A programmer walks into a bar, A programmer walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says I'll have three beers please.
- Brett Kavanaugh: I HAD A BAD WEEK! Lindsay Lohan: Hold my beer.
Brett Kavanaugh: THANK YOU I LOVE BEER - Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Kevin McCarthy: Hold my beer.
- Kim Jong Un: I have a big button on my desk Donald Trump: I have a big button on my desk Hawaii Emergency Alert Guy: Hold my beer
- Weather man "it's impossible to have every season all in one week" Mother Nature: "Hold my beer"
- The past few days summed up Pepsi: We just pulled the worst PR stunt of the year.
United Airlines: Hold my beer.
Sean Spicer: LEEEEEEEEEEROY JEEENKINS. - How many Bavarians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One of them to actually change it and the other to hold their beer.
- People: You can't have all four seasons in the space of 24 hours! Ohio: Hold my beer.
*inspired by the fact that yesterday it was 74F and had thunderstorms, and today it's 30F and snowing.*
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Hold My Beer One Liners
Which hold my beer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hold my beer? I can suggest the ones about hold and remain calm.
- A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers, please"
- Leonardo DiCaprio: "Hold my beer." Leo's girlfriend: "But I'll get arrested."
- What did Elon Musk say to Mark Zuckerberg? Hold my beer!
- tenet: hold my beer inception: im the hardest movie to understand!
- Republicans: "We couldn't possibly lose Alabama!" Roy Moore: "hold my beer kids"
- "Hold my beer." -2017
- Random person: I'm the best designated driver... Me: hold my beer
- What did the Flat Earther say to the Anti-Vaxxer? Hold my beer.
- My dad held me like he holds his beer By the neck and all day
- Me to my friend : I am happy everyone doesn't have cancer. Epic games : Hold my beer
- What's worse than a pool of blood? Liverpool: Hold my beer
- Q: How does a blonde order a root beer?
A: Extra large, hold the roots. - Me: CIA can't hack us all... CIA: Hold My Beer
- Nintendo: surely you can't come up with a worse name than Wii U Microsoft: hold my beer
- USA in the 90s: "Boris Yeltsin is the worst leader possible!" USA 2016: "Hold my beer"
Hold My Beer Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about hold my beer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean keep calm jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hold my beer pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to Impress a Woman:
compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to Impress a Man:
show up n**...,
bring beer.
A traveling salesman rings this doorbell.
10 year old little Johnny opens, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.
The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"
What Not to Say to a Policeman:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.
Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.
The question is do YOU know why you pulled me over?
I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.
If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.
It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?
If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!
A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I’d like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, "but I can’t sell you that."
"Why not" asked the customer?
"Because that’s my husband."
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
...they each order a pint. The Englishman gets his beer, looks at it and sees a fly in it. He immediately pushes the drink aside and demands a fresh pint. The Scotsman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He calmly picks the fly out, flicks it aside and enjoys his drink. Finally, the Irishman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He pulls it out, holds it by the wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you thief!"
I want to invent a beer named "black"
So that I can hold the can up to my face and make pirate jokes.
An ant, a spider, and a centipede are holding a party.
The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.
10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spider asks, "What's taking him so long?" The ant decides to head out to investigate. He opens the front door and sees the centipede outside.
The ant asks, "Hey man, what's taking you so long?"
The centipede replies, "I'm still putting on my shoes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy can tell how any animal was killed
Guy walks into a bar and says: While I am blindfolded, I can feel the pelt of any animal and tell you how it was killed.
People start betting, the guy is blindfolded and given the first pelt (this bar has them for some reason).
the man holds the pelt and fingers the bullet hole, then says: this is a polar bear and it was killed .30-06! He is correct!
the next pelt is handed to him. He feels it and finds the bullet hole. then he says: This is a muskrat and it was killed by a .22! He is correct! Everyone cheers, beers are bought and a good time is had by all.
the next morning, the man wakes up in his own bed next to his wife but he now has a black eye and a headache. He wakes his wife and asks what happened with his new shiner. she says that she gave it to him. he asks why. well, she says, last night you came home drunk, and stuck your hand down my pants. then you yelled in my ear: **SKUNK, KILLED BY AX.**
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Signs...
The following are all signs that you are a drunk. They include, but are not limited to...
- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
- Your job interferes with your drinking.
- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
- You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.
- Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!
- You consider that having two hands and only one mouth is a drinking problem.
- You can normally focus better with one eye closed.
- The parking lot seems to have moved since you entered the bar.
- You fall off the floor sometimes.
- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
- Mosquitoes stumble about after attacking you.
- At weekly AA meetings, you forget your own name.
- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
- The whole bar greets you when you come in.
- You don't recognise your wife unless you see her through the bottom of your glass.
- That d**... pink elephant followed you home again!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
r**... Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough because they couldn't afford a bigger bed. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin-wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it would cost $1,000.
Not being able to afford the procedure, the doctor recommended he go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me - I don't want to go deaf! To which the doctor replies, "Trust me."
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count on his fingers, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... , at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand, 6, 7...
An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar... (credit goes to my buddy Rob from university)
.. they each order a pint of beer. The american finds a fly in his, and yells out so the whole bar hears, "This is disgusting, I'm outta here!" and storms out of the bar.
The Enlishman also finds a fly in his beer, but he politely asks the barkeep for another beer, if it's not too much trouble.
The Irishman.. he also finds a fly drowning in his beer (seriously? yeah seriously. It's a filthy bar). He picks it up by the wing, holds it over the glass and yells "Spit it oot!"
A police officer pulls a man over for driving all over the road...
...and discovers the man has clearly been drinking.
Officer: "You'll have to come with me for a breathalyzer test, sir."
Man: "I'm afraid I can't do that officer, I'm ams-- *hic* alths-- I'm asthmatic. I could have an episode."
O: "I see. In that case, I'll need to take you down to the station for a blood test."
M: "I can't do that either, see, because I'm a helmpho-- a hemophiliac. I could bleed out."
O: "*sigh*... okay, just stand right there and hold your arms out to your sides, tilt your head straight back, and touch your nose with your right index finger."
M: "I'm afraid I can't do that either, because I.................."
O: "What, you have vertigo?"
M: "Yes! Sorry, I can't think very fast after 14 beers!"
Julius Caesar walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and...
says to the bartender *I'll have 5 beers, please*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Marine who is missing both of his arms walks into the bar...
The bartender - also a former serviceman - spots the guy's *SemperFi* tattoo and shoves a tall foaming glass of beer in front of him.
"This one is on the house bro", he says.
"Thanks man," said the patron.
"Look" he says... "would you mind to hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure" said the bartender, and he patiently holds it while the vet sips back the frosty nectar.
"If," says the armless man, "you'd reach in my right-hand pocket, you'll find my smokes, could you please..."
The bartender gets his pack out and lights one up for him.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more."...
**"Where is the men's room?"**
The bartender's face suddenly turns flush...
"Out the door, turn left, walk two blocks - there's a gas station on the corner."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many dwarves does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two; one to hold the bulb and the other to serve him beer until the room starts spinning.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...
...and each take a seat and order a beer. When the Englishman gets his beer, he sees a fly floating in it, and politely asks for a different brew. The Scotsman, intrigued by this, looks into his beer and also notices a fly in it. He shrugs and picks it out. When the Irishman's beer arrives, also containing one fly, he's had enough. He picks up the fly, holds it very close to his mouth, and says...
"Spit it out, lad, spit it all out!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After having their 11th child, a r**... couple decided that was enough,...
...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The r**... said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
FAA study of black boxes found in domestic US, fatal, small airplane crashes shows 98% say "may day"
remaining 2% are pilots from Tennessee who say, "hey good buddy, hold my beer and watch this"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
r**... Birth Control
A r**... in the deep south calls a number he found on a flyer for cheap home vasectomies.
A man on the other side of the line informs him that the procedure is very simple. So simple in fact he can do it on his own.
All he needs is a beer can, a cherry bomb (little firecracker) and to count to 10 whilst standing in the garden.
So the r**... empties the can, lights the cherry bomb and drops it in.
Holding the can in his left hand he starts counting on his fingers.
And then placing the can between his thighs he continues to count on the other hand.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
United Kingdom: Brexit is the s**... most self destructive act a country could take.
USA : lol, hold my beer
Summing up things about this year
2015: I am officially THE WORST YEAR EVER!
2016: Hold my beer.
The condemned prisoner stood before the firing squad.
The jail warden told him that as per custom, he was to be granted one final request, provided it was something straightforward and easily manageable.
The prisoner explained that he loved singing and requested to sing his favourite childhood song to completion.
The warden motioned to the firing squad to hold their fire until the song was completed.
The prisoner held his head up high and started to sing - "A billion bottles of beer on the wall, a billion bottles of beer..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nixon: "I bet you can't run a more scandal-ridden presidency than me"
"Hold my beer"
"Sure.. Wait this isnt beer"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are at a bar
An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are at a bar, all having a beer.
A fly lands in the Englishmans beer, he pushes the beer away with a look of disgust and orders a new one.
A few minutes later another fly lands in the Aussies beer. He flicks the fly out and continues drinking.
Eventually a fly lands in the Scotsmans beer. He reaches in, pulls it out and holds it over his glass, hitting the back of it and starts shouting "Spit it out ya little bastid!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did."
Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They say that United can't make it any worse for themselves
"Hold my beer" - United Spokesperson
So Delta and United Airlines are in a bar...
United: "We threw a doctor off our plane!"
Delta glances around, spies baby....
Delta: "Hold my beer..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
15 Year Old Teenager: "I love the US! It's the land of freedom and opportunity! We even have freedom of speech!"
CNN: "Hold my beer."
September: I had one of the worst hurricane months on record and Hugh Hefner died.
October: Hold my beer
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Stars Wars is not aging well. After 40 years, Obi-Wan Kenobi cannot be more wrong.
Obi-Wan: "You will **never** find a more wretched hive of s**... and villainy"
2017: "Hold my beer"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Olympics
Austrians: We are the best in Super-G.
Swiss: Pfft, we are better than you.
USA: Shut up, we are the bestest!
Italians: Mamma Mia!
Czechs: Hold my beer and my snowboard.
Crytominers: "Cryptocurrency means freedom from government and banks!"
IRS: "...Hold my beer."
An Englishman, a Scot and a Welshman walk into a bar.
They order a pint of beer each. As they are served a fly lands in their glass.
The English man pushes the pitcher away in disgust.
The Scot removes the fly with a finger and drinks the beer.
The Welsh guy picks up the fly, holds it above the pitcher and shouts : spit it out.
Give a man a beer...
Give a man a beer, he'll entertain the room. Hold a man's beer, he'll entertain the world.
She said that burying her mom was the hardest thing she'd ever done
I laughed and said "You've obviously never sneezed while holding a full pint of beer have you?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three buttholes walk into a bar
They sit on bar-stools while their ladies enjoy a beer.
The first one says I'm so loose that I can hold in a fist easily
The second one giggles and says I'm so loose I can hold in two fists, no problem
The third one laughs.... and the bar-stool disappears
For the arabs
An arab walks into a bar and holds up 2 fingers
Arab: I would like 7 beers please
I'm the most hated person in the Senate
Ted Cruz: I'm the most hated person in the Senate.
Susan Collins: Hold my beer.
Brett Kavanaugh: Who said beer?
Twitter repost @Amanda_Kerri
Words in a dictionary were having a fight
'Honest' says, "My H is silent". 'Tsunami' says, "My T is silent". 'Island' says, "My S is silent".
'Queue' says, "Hold my beer stupids".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Conversation between Baby and YTR 2018
Baby by Justin Bieber: I have over 9 million dislikes, you can't top that
Youtube Rewind 2018: Hold my beer
Let's do it everybody
Baby by Justin Bieber: I have 9 million dislikes, you can't top that
YouTube Rewind 2018:
YouTube Rewind 2018: Hold my beer
A man holding a slab of asphalt walked into a bar
He said "I'll take two beers, one for me and one for the road"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Heineken free beer joke
I just pulled in a quick trip today and this guy says to me. "Hey, do you want a free twelve pack of Heineken?"
Me "Yeah, sure I will take it."
He says "Come over here. You can have a twelve-pack of Heineken if you let me touch your d**...."
I was "Touch my d**...?! What do you mean?"
He answered, "I want to hold it, grab it, pad it..."
After this, I said "Dude, total f**... out there" while drinking my Heineken.
So all the animals gathered and having a party,
Everybody is drinking and talking and having a good time,
suddenly a chameleon get to the middle of the room, say "check this out" and start changing color of his skin for a minute straight.
Once he done he say "Lets see any of you do the same".
Suddenly octopus appear from the crowd and says:
hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer.
A Roman soldier walks into a bar with 4 friends, holds up a peace sign and says to the bartender
„5 Beers please .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Magic Beer
A man was walking deep into a forest when all of a sudden a sprite appeared. She said m: no man has seen me in over 100 years. Since you did I will grant you two wishes. What do you desire?
The man ponders and answers I'd like a bottle or beer that never empties .
p**...! He is holding a bottle of beer in his hands. With excitement he starts to drink. After he has made a couple of huge sips he checks the bottle from outside which seems to have not emptied a little bit. He shrugs and continues to drink more, probing the magic bottle.
After a few minutes of drinking the now annoyed sprite asks the man what is your second wish ? He, inebriated by now, answers ..Hicks..aaaaaanother one of this bottle
Little kid walks into a bar and the bartender says to a patron
Watch this you'll love it .
He then calls the kid over and holds out both his hands. One hand has two quarters and the other hand has a one dollar bill. He says to the kid
Go ahead but take the bigger one
The kids grabs the two quarters and leaves the bar.
Every time, kid falls for it every single time, no matter how many times I do this
The patron finishes his beer, goes outside and sees the kid. He calls him over to him and says
Just so you know kid the dollar bill is worth more even though it's just one
The kid calmly says:
Yeah but the day I take the dollar is the day the free money stops
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A proctologist is in the middle of an examination when he turns around and sees his assistant holding a bottle of beer.
He goes: No nurse, I said b**...-Light
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Holiday scams
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and hands over a few singles to pay for it. The bartender picks up the $1 bills and carefully scutinizes them, holding them up to the light. "What are you doing?" the guy asks. "There's a new scam going around this holiday season," the bartender replies. "People are passing around counterfeit $1 bills, so be careful. "So, what you're telling me is I should keep an eye out for hot singles in my area," the guy says.