Hold Jokes
176 hold jokes and hilarious hold puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hold that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you ever find yourself in a situation and feel like you need to lighten the mood? We all have those moments of needing a good joke to break the tension. Learn how to hold a joke for maximum laughter and comedic timing to truly surprise and delight your audience. Grab a beer and maintain your wit to keep the fun going!
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Funniest Hold Short Jokes
Short hold jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hold humour may include short held jokes also.
- How many Karens does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, She just stands there holding it while the world revolves around her.
- How many Karens did it take to screw in a lightbulb? One.
She just holds the lightbulb in the socket and expects the rest of the world to revolve around her. - James Bond always holds his farts while in bed Otherwise he would blow his cover.
(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X) - How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? Two.
One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning. - A Black Guy, a Mexican, and a Muslim holding a Gay Chicken Walk Into a Bar Bartender says, "We don't do jokes in here."
The chicken says, "Come on guys I know a place across the street." - Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed? Because her algaebra didn't hold up.
- How do feminists screw in a lightbulb? By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them
- How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one.All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves aroudn him.
- How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb? Ten.
One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for fox News to spin it. - Dating is a lot like fishing Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.
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Hold One Liners
Which hold one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hold? I can suggest the ones about halt and handle.
- I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city. Hold on, it's 900.
- I called up GameStop customer support They told me to hold.
- A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers, please"
- What has a 1000 teeth and holds back a monster? My zipper.
- To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.
- What has 182 teeth and holds a small worm? My zipper
- I don't think i need a spine, it's holding me back
- I bet you can't name two structures that can hold water Well, dam!
- Worst way to hold a baby? Hostage.
- I just got a repressed memory foam mattress. It holds me just like my uncle used to.
- What's the main use for leather in the world? Holding cows together
- What's more useless than a Gender Studies degree? the feminist holding it
- Thank you for calling the constipation hotline... Please hold.
- A standard elevator can hold 1700 lbs or 5 Tinder matches...
- im thinking about removing my spine... i feel like its only holding me back
Hold Hands Jokes
Here is a list of funny hold hands jokes and even better hold hands puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand They wanted to know where the rest of her body was
- Magician: I can make anything disappear! Tom: (holding up a cup) Really? Make my tea disappear.
Magician: (waves hand) Done!
om: (looks in cup) It didn't work. - My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade
- Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony? The guy that can hold a cup of coffee in each hand and 6 donuts
- When my girlfriend complains about how bad her day was I like to hold her hands Because shes deaf
- When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not romantic. Maybe they just want each other to shut up.
- Criminal on the electric chair. The officer ask: Any last wishes? The criminal: Please hold my hand...
- What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.....
- My grandad never used to like throwing things away He died in WW2 holding onto a hand grenade
- What would Sir Paul McCartney sing to an octopus? I wanna hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand.
Hold My Beer Jokes
Here is a list of funny hold my beer jokes and even better hold my beer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."
- A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."
- Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did." Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer."
- A programmer walks into a bar, A programmer walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says I'll have three beers please.
- Brett Kavanaugh: I HAD A BAD WEEK! Lindsay Lohan: Hold my beer.
Brett Kavanaugh: THANK YOU I LOVE BEER - Julius Caesar sashays into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers, please!"
- Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Kevin McCarthy: Hold my beer.
- Leonardo DiCaprio: "Hold my beer." Leo's girlfriend: "But I'll get arrested."
- A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says five beers bartender.
- 15 Year Old Teenager: "I love the US! It's the land of freedom and opportunity! We even have freedom of speech!" CNN: "Hold my beer."
Hold Grudges Jokes
Here is a list of funny hold grudges jokes and even better hold grudges puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- if God exists it's probably a woman no man holds a grudge for this long
- I never hold grudges, my father did and I always hated him for it
- My wife holds grudges over the smallest things. She asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. Even after a few weeks, she's still not speaking to me
- Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm.
And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me! - I got my dog from an orphanage like, two years ago. Those orphans STILL hold a grudge.
- What are the three best things about Alzheimer's? You never hold a grudge ...
You can hide your own Easter eggs ...
And you meet new people every day! - Some people ask me why I never hold a grudge. I've always hated those people.
- Last year I wrote a joke about how I hold grudges, the audience didn't laugh. I still hate them.
- Do you know why Worf holds so many grudges? He klingson to every little thing you say.
- I hold a grudge against three letters of the alphabet. Y R U guys causing so much trouble?
Hold Candle Jokes
Here is a list of funny hold candle jokes and even better hold candle puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "Your dad cant hold a candle to what my daddy can do." "Oh Ya, what does he do?"
"Makes gun powder." - Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz is by far the greatest character of all time. No one could hold a candle to him.
- What do you call a candelabra that refuses to hold candles? A candle-nah-brah
Hold Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny hold up jokes and even better hold up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was holding a door open for this asian guy and he said "sank you". I punched him square in the jaw, how dare he bring up pearl harbour like that.
- My Grandfather downed 35 German aircraft during WW2 He still holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
- A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!" The man says, "Don't you mean history?"
The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!" - With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea... But I'm just stuck here holding my rod
- My girlfriend got a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh… When I hold my ear up to it I can smell the ocean!
- How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. She just holds it in place, while the world revolves around her. * Beverly Hills ninja edit... rotates to revolves
- I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back... He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh. - You guys wanna hear a construction joke? ..... hold on I'm working on it.
(Brought to you by my 8 year old nephew) - They say that there are plenty of fish in the sea. But until I catch one, I'm just going to be sitting here, holding my rod.
- Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question: Why were they all holding bags of candy?
Hilarious Hold Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about hold you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hang jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hold pranks.
The Horse and the Chicken
One day the horse and the chicken were walking along the road near the farm, merrily chatting away. Suddenly, the horse fell into a muddy hole and couldn't get out.
"Help help Chicken! I've fallen and I can't get out of this hole!", the Horse yelled. "Don't worry," said the chicken. "I'll just get the farmer's BMW and pull you out!"
The chicken did this, and all was well. The following day, without thinking the chicken fell into the same hole.
"Help help Horse! I've fallen into this hole and I can't get out!"
The horse smiled and said, "Don't worry Chicken. Just grab a hold of my w**...!"
"What?!?"
"Well, when you're hung like a horse, you don't need BMWs to pick up chicks."
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
A child was born without a body...
The doctor said there was nothing they could do, but the parents cared for their child anyways.
Several years later, the parents were approached by the same doctor, saying, "I've got some good news. We now have the capability to give your child a body, would you like that?" Of course the parents were overjoyed and immediately agreed.
Another few years went by, and the parents enjoyed being able to hold their child at least, but they wanted their child to have the best life possible, so of course they accepted when the doctor offered to give their child arms.
They loved being able to play with their baby, but were sad that they couldn't teach him to walk. They prayed for the day that the doctor would come just one last time, and it finally came. The doctor asked if they would like to try a new procedure to give their child legs, and they joyfully accepted.
They enjoyed all their time running and playing with their newly whole child, until one day the child was playing in the yard and ran right in front of a cement truck and died.
I guess you could say that the moral of this story is, "stop while you're a head".
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to drink until the room spins.
A priest and a pastor...
... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'
They hold up the sign to cars passing by.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.
From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
How many surreal artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three, one to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bath tub.
What do you call an Irishman who can't hold his liquor?
A quadriplegic.
Hide and seek.
A girl was teaching a boy about her own rules at hide and seek: "If you can find me in 20 minutes, you may hold my hand. If you can find me in 10 minutes, you may kiss me. If you can find me in 2, you may do whatever you want to me, and I always hide behind the fridge."
My priest told a joke during his homily today.
A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"
God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."
"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."
"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"
"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door.
The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am."
He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second."
The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."
The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."
An old married couple are driving down the road.
They run over a mama skunk and the wife insists that they go back and pick up the baby skunk.
She says to her husband, "The poor thing is freezing."
"Put him between your legs and warm him up." is the husband's reply.
"But what about the smell?" she asks.
The husband says, "Just hold his little nose and he should be fine."
The wife's back on the warpath again...
She was up for making a s**... movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.
The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down."
"The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back."
"The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two.
One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the p**.....*ER..LADDER! I MEANT LADDER!*
How many feminists do you need to replace a lightbulb?
Only 1, she'll hold the bulb in place and wait while the world revolves around her.
World Cut Soccer
A little old Brazilian lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.
A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."
"Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up."
"Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," she said. "My yard backs up on the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, a lot of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms. So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one is in mid-stream, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'"
"Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?"
"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"
So this r**... in New York is getting mugged...
and he fights like a wildcat, but eventually the three toughs overcome him. Two hold him down while the third grabs his wallet and opens it.
"Ten dollars??!!? You fought like a madman for *15 minutes* for a lousy ten bucks?"
"Oh no!" replied the r**.... "I thought you were going after the $500 in my shoe!"
My ex-girlfriend has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh.
and if you hold your ear against it, you can smell the sea.
A Mongolian man tells his friend a story
When I came home late last night, I found my wife with another man. I was furious, and to hold myself back, I sat down and drank from a bottle that was left on the table. Then, I sang a song to cheer myself up. When I felt a little better, I looked around, and said to myself, s**..., this isn't my house,'.
LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls
So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to the store to buy cleaning supplies. I tried at least five different types, and scrubbed for at least half an hour but the stain was still there. Does anybody have any good methods for getting blood out of the carpet?
This was once voted the UK's funniest joke...
A woman and her baby gets on a bus. The driver stops her at the door and says:"you have the ugliest baby I've ever seen!".the woman storms to the back of the bus, fuming. She sits down next to a stranger and says:"that bus driver just insulted me" The stranger then says:" That is absolutely not on! You go and sort him out and I will hold your monkey for you!"
I was holding a door open for an Asian Guy.
I was holding a door open for an Asian Guy.
Once he went though, He said, 'Sank you'.
I Swore at him and kicked him in the Shin.
I Then said, 'Never bring up Pearl Harbor like that'
how many screws hold together a l**... bed?
None it's all tongue and groove
How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*One to hold the bulb up to the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them, three to scream at the circuit breaker and belittle it for controlling power, and eight others to console the first four while they tweet about how problematic this traumatic experience has been for everyone.*
Old one I've never seen on here
This joke was in a book I had as a young child, probably from the 70s or 80s. It's so ridiculous, I remember it to this day.
Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a white elephant?
A: Hold its nose until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Two electricians are up on a pole
A granny walks by. One of the electricians shouts at the granny:
— Hey grandma, can you hold that cable that's on the ground next to you for a bit, please?
The granny picks up the cable. The same electrician then states to the other:
— Told you it was the ground.
A Chinese girl asked to get a ride from me.
so I said no problem give me your number I will call you when I leave home
She said, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!" I said, "HOLD ON!"
Then her friend said, "She means ....6**...-3629."
Two Jews walking down the street
Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.
**CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM
GET $50!**
"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"
"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real."
Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside.
Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes out of the cathedral.
"So? Was it a scam? Did you get the $50??," asks David.
Aaron replies, "Is it always about the money with you people?"
Jesus holds up the bread...
Jesus holds up the bread and says, "This is my body."
Next, Jesus hold up the wine and says, "This is my blood."
After that, Jesus holds up the mayonnaise and Peter says, "That's enough!"
Mini-Skirt Speech
My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
A blonde walks up to her blonde mom...
and asks,
"Mom, why does everyone think we are s**...?"
Her mum chuckles and says
"Bring me a p**..."
A bit confused, the daughter goes and grabs a p**... from the kitchen and hands it to her mom. Soon after the mother starts knocking on the p**....
The daughter turns to the door and says,
"Mom! Someone is at the door!"
The mom chuckles and says,
"See, this is why people think Blondes are s**......
now hold this p**... so I can go answer the door."
*Edit* Changed gender of daughter back, sorry tumblr.
My roommate called the s**... hotline and they put him on hold
They just left him hangin'
A priest asks the m**... at the electric chair....
-"Do you have any last requests?
-"Yes,can you please hold my hand?"
How many Google plus users does it take to change a lightbulb ?
All of them actually . Two to hold the ladder and one to change the lightbulb .
A priests asks the convicted m**... at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?
A priests asks the convicted m**... at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?
"Yes," replies the m**.... "Can you please hold my hand?"
I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.
But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.
A couple finds a wounded skunk on the road. 'Where do I put it?' the lady asks...
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, Look, it's shivering … it must be cold. What should I do?
He says, Put it between your legs.
She says, What about the smell?
He says, Hold its nose.
How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They just hold the bulb in place and the world revolves around them.
A m**..., sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. Yes, replied the m**.... Will you hold my hand?
GB: Brexit was the dumbest thing in the last years!
USA: hold my drink!
A midget and a man are on a bus
The two of them sit next to each other.
When the next stop comes, the midget falls off of the chair, so the man picks him back up.
Another stop comes, and the midget falls again, and again the man picks him up.
On the third stop he of course falls again and this time, the man says:
"Hold on when we get to a stop, you freaking midget!"
The midget replies:
"Can I please leave the bus? I was supposed to get off two stops ago."
How many morons does it take to change a lightbulb?
14,000.
1 to hold the lightbulb, 4 to hold the chair, and 13,995 to spin the house.
A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.
The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.
The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.
The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.
How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six.
One Slytherin to break it.
One Gryffindor to volunteer to change it.
Three Hufflepuffs to hold the ladder to ensure the safety of the Gryffindor student.
And one Ravenclaw to point out that they could have just used magic in the first place.
I was trying to be a gentleman
And hold the door open for ladies.
But they kept screaming " get out, I'm peeing in here!"
Women are so ungrateful these days.
I try and hold the door for them but all they do is scream and tell me to get out of the bathroom.
A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line
The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"
First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.
Second guy: "I assure you I did not see a thing... but my wife here did"
The real reason women don't like guys under 6 feet
Dead people really struggle to hold a conversation.
Why can't cookies dough hold a steady job?
Because it's always getting baked.
How many blondes does it take to screw a light bulb?
Five. One to hold the lightbulb and four to turn the ladder.
When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would have survived the same situation...
Almost died in Finding Nemo
How many Valve employees does it take to change a light-bulb?
Two. Two to hold a ladder and one to screw it in.
Whats that? Three you say? They can't count that high.
I like to hold my breath whenever a character goes underwater in a movie. That way I know if I'd survive if I were that character.
I was rushed to the E.R after Finding Nemo
Ugliest baby that I've ever seen
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, they will hold it up to the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them
I'm not an expert in m**...
But I hold my own
Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!"
The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."
So this lady is getting on the bus with her baby...
And as she gets on, the bus driver glances at her child, does a double take and says "Gaaaaahhhh!!"
Well, this disturbs the lady, but she sits down.
The passenger next to her sees that she's disturbed, and asks what's wrong.
"The bus driver was VERY rude to me!"
The passenger says, "Well, you should go give him a piece of your mind! Let me hold your monkey for you."
Jack goes to his friend Mike
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of s**... questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"
Two nuns went for a bike ride and ride down a cobble stone street
One says I haven't come this way before.
The other says neither have I just hold on and enjoy it
I went drinking with a human centipede
The first guy could hold his liquor.
The rest if them got completely s**....
A m**... is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.
The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.
I got my kid baptized yesterday
Priest: Do you believe in the Holy Spirit and the holy Catholic church?
Me: I do.
Priest: Do you believe in the communion of saints and the forgiveness of sins?
Me: I do.
Priest: Do you believe in the resurrection of the body and life everlasting?
Me: I do
Priest: Do you hereby indemnify and hold harmless the Catholic church for any s**... misconduct to you and your family for ever and ever amen?
Me: I do--- wait! Hold on!
Priest: Too late! You said it!
Women really do hold grudges over the smallest things...
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tube of super glue. It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff
Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.
"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch can't hold all our weight. You're all so beautiful and talented, so I'm going to let go in hopes that it's enough to save your lives. Tell my family I love them."
The blondes were so moved by her selfless sacrifice that they gave her a round of applause.
A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist
Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one t**..., Quatre, Six, Se--"
Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?"
Frenchman: "It Cinq"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Chivalry Is Dead
I didn't hold the door open for a girl and she said "Chivalry is dead." So I challenged her to a duel.
Chivalry aint dead but she is.