hold Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious hold puns

Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?


A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

'Nurse', he mumbles. 'Are my testicles black?' Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says 'there nothing wrong with them sir'. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, ' Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully, ' are-my-tests-re-sults-back?'


I don't normally see eye to eye with most Trump supporters, but if there's one thing we do agree on...

It's that the president of Puerto Rico is the dumbest son of a bitch to ever hold public office.


A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.


My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm stalking her or following her. She's worried that I may be obsessed with her and anytime she hears a noise in her house she is... purified. Wait, hold on: "petrified". Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.


how many screws hold together a lesbians bed?

None it's all tongue and groove


I'm not an expert in masturbation

But I hold my own


Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed?

Because her algaebra didn't hold up.


A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.


A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am."

He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second."

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."

The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."


I'm holding a charity night for people that can't reach orgasm.

If you can't come let me know.


I was holding a door open for this asian guy and he said "sank you".

I punched him square in the jaw, how dare he bring up pearl harbour like that.


Black Friday is coming up, so remember Retail language:

"Need help finding a size?" = Please stop fucking up my display

"I can put that back for you" = you're going to fuck up my display

"Let me hold your items for you" = So you dont leave this somewhere and fuck up a display


How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis..*ER..LADDER! I MEANT LADDER!*


My wife was trying to describe what it's like shopping for a bra.

As an analogy she suggested, "It'd be like trying to find something to hold your dick that looks nice *and* feels good."


I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I did."


How are you all holding up? It's crazy out there!

I've killed at least fifteen zombies so far!

- Why the fuck are they all carrying candy?!


A priest and a pastor...

... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'

They hold up the sign to cars passing by.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.

From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"


You guys wanna hear a construction joke?

..... hold on I'm working on it.

(Brought to you by my 8 year old nephew)


I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.


The toilet on the train was out of order, so I had to sit there and hold it for half an hour.

A woman who was sat opposite, looked at me in disgust and asked "Is that a fucking poo in your hand?"


How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.


I hate it when you hold the door open for people

And all they can say is, "Oh fucking hell, I can see you having a shit!"


18 inch harry..

A first-time John went to a whorehouse. He entered a private room, put $50 on the table and dropped his pants.

At the sight of the man's 18-inch penis, the hooker almost fainted.

"Hold on, pal," she said. "I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but you are not sticking that in me."

The man pulled up his pants, picked up his money and said, "Screw you bitch. I can do those things myself."


Ugliest baby that I've ever seen

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."


Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!"

The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."


Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did."

Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer."


How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and one to drink until the room spins.


How many Irish guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

30 - One to hold the light bulb and 29 to drink until the room spins.


How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb, and the other to hold the penis -- LADDER. I meant ladder.


I'm holding a convention for people who can't orgasm

If you can't come, let me know


An old married couple are driving down the road.

They run over a mama skunk and the wife insists that they go back and pick up the baby skunk.

She says to her husband, "The poor thing is freezing."

"Put him between your legs and warm him up." is the husband's reply.

"But what about the smell?" she asks.

The husband says, "Just hold his little nose and he should be fine."


Went to hold a door open for a girl today.

Instead of getting a "thank you", I got a "what the fuck are you doing in the girls room".


Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.

The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down."
"The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back."
"The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."


I went drinking with a human centipede

The first guy could hold his liquor.

The rest if them got completely shitfaced.


How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?

*One to hold the bulb up to the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them, three to scream at the circuit breaker and belittle it for controlling power, and eight others to console the first four while they tweet about how problematic this traumatic experience has been for everyone.*


What are the most funny Hold jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Hold? Well, here are the best Hold dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Hold pick up lines to share with friends.

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