Hold Jokes
165 hold jokes and hilarious hold puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hold that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you ever find yourself in a situation and feel like you need to lighten the mood? We all have those moments of needing a good joke to break the tension. Learn how to hold a joke for maximum laughter and comedic timing to truly surprise and delight your audience. Grab a beer and maintain your wit to keep the fun going!
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Funniest Hold Short Jokes
Short hold jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hold humour may include short halt jokes also.
- James Bond always holds his farts while in bed Otherwise he would blow his cover.
(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X) - Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed? Because her algaebra didn't hold up.
- Dating is a lot like fishing Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.
- A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!" The man says, "Don't you mean history?"
The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!" - A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."
- How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. She just holds it in place, while the world revolves around her. * Beverly Hills ninja edit... rotates to revolves
- I´m at the atm when a robber holding his gun at my back... He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh. - You guys wanna hear a construction joke? ..... hold on I'm working on it.
(Brought to you by my 8 year old nephew) - A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."
- I got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand They wanted to know where the rest of her body was
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Hold One Liners
Which hold one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hold? I can suggest the ones about handle and stand.
- I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city. Hold on, it's 900.
- I called up GameStop customer support They told me to hold.
- A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers, please"
- What has a 1000 teeth and holds back a monster? My zipper.
- To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.
- What has 182 teeth and holds a small worm? My zipper
- I don't think i need a spine, it's holding me back
- I bet you can't name two structures that can hold water Well, dam!
- Worst way to hold a baby? Hostage.
- I just got a repressed memory foam mattress. It holds me just like my uncle used to.
- What's the main use for leather in the world? Holding cows together
- Thank you for calling the constipation hotline... Please hold.
- A standard elevator can hold 1700 lbs or 5 Tinder matches...
- What's the worst part of my body? The spine, it really holds me back.
- Why can't cookies dough hold a steady job? Because it's always getting baked.
Hold My Beer Jokes
Here is a list of funny hold my beer jokes and even better hold my beer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A programmer walks into a bar, A programmer walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says I'll have three beers please.
- Brett Kavanaugh: I HAD A BAD WEEK! Lindsay Lohan: Hold my beer.
Brett Kavanaugh: THANK YOU I LOVE BEER - Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Kevin McCarthy: Hold my beer.
- Leonardo DiCaprio: "Hold my beer." Leo's girlfriend: "But I'll get arrested."
- What did Elon Musk say to Mark Zuckerberg? Hold my beer!
- Kim Jong Un: I have a big button on my desk Donald Trump: I have a big button on my desk Hawaii Emergency Alert Guy: Hold my beer
- tenet: hold my beer inception: im the hardest movie to understand!
- Weather man "it's impossible to have every season all in one week" Mother Nature: "Hold my beer"
- Republicans: "We couldn't possibly lose Alabama!" Roy Moore: "hold my beer kids"
- The past few days summed up Pepsi: We just pulled the worst PR stunt of the year.
United Airlines: Hold my beer.
Sean Spicer: LEEEEEEEEEEROY JEEENKINS.
Hold Grudges Jokes
Here is a list of funny hold grudges jokes and even better hold grudges puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I never hold grudges, my father did and I always hated him for it
- I got my dog from an orphanage like, two years ago. Those orphans STILL hold a grudge.
- Some people ask me why I never hold a grudge. I've always hated those people.
- Last year I wrote a joke about how I hold grudges, the audience didn't laugh. I still hate them.
- Do you know why Worf holds so many grudges? He klingson to every little thing you say.
- I hold a grudge against three letters of the alphabet. Y R U guys causing so much trouble?
- Why don't vegetarians hold grudges? Because they never have beef with anyone!
- Owning a restaurant in India is hard, the locals hold a grudge against me but we finally came to a mutual agreement. No beef now.
- My best friend told me that i hold grudges too much. I never spoke to him again.
- You Should Never Insult a Pregnant Woman. They Always Hold a Grudge. That's because elephants never forget.
Hold Candle Jokes
Here is a list of funny hold candle jokes and even better hold candle puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "Your dad cant hold a candle to what my daddy can do." "Oh Ya, what does he do?"
"Makes gun powder." - Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz is by far the greatest character of all time. No one could hold a candle to him.
- What do you call a candelabra that refuses to hold candles? A candle-nah-brah
Hold Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny hold up jokes and even better hold up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question: Why were they all holding bags of candy?
- So, i wanted to know what my weight was. 'Holding your belly in is not gonna make you lighter' my wife said.
But how am i supposed to see the numbers? - Magician: I can make anything disappear! Tom: (holding up a cup) Really? Make my tea disappear.
Magician: (waves hand) Done!
om: (looks in cup) It didn't work. - What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks? A good start. HOLD the LINE.
- Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!" The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."
- I keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards No one knows what I'm dealing with.
- A pirate's wife asks him what body part he'd be most okay with losing The pirate thinks and replies, "my spine!"
"Why?" says his wife, a little surprised
"Because it's holding me back!" - I called Robinhood customer support to ask what I should do with my GME shares. They said: PLEASE HOLD.
- My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade
- I'll never forget what my grandpa said to me just before he died... "are you still holding the ladder?"
Hilarious Hold Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about hold you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean keeping jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hold pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Horse and the Chicken
One day the horse and the chicken were walking along the road near the farm, merrily chatting away. Suddenly, the horse fell into a muddy hole and couldn't get out.
"Help help Chicken! I've fallen and I can't get out of this hole!", the Horse yelled. "Don't worry," said the chicken. "I'll just get the farmer's BMW and pull you out!"
The chicken did this, and all was well. The following day, without thinking the chicken fell into the same hole.
"Help help Horse! I've fallen into this hole and I can't get out!"
The horse smiled and said, "Don't worry Chicken. Just grab a hold of my w**...!"
"What?!?"
"Well, when you're hung like a horse, you don't need BMWs to pick up chicks."
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
A child was born without a body...
The doctor said there was nothing they could do, but the parents cared for their child anyways.
Several years later, the parents were approached by the same doctor, saying, "I've got some good news. We now have the capability to give your child a body, would you like that?" Of course the parents were overjoyed and immediately agreed.
Another few years went by, and the parents enjoyed being able to hold their child at least, but they wanted their child to have the best life possible, so of course they accepted when the doctor offered to give their child arms.
They loved being able to play with their baby, but were sad that they couldn't teach him to walk. They prayed for the day that the doctor would come just one last time, and it finally came. The doctor asked if they would like to try a new procedure to give their child legs, and they joyfully accepted.
They enjoyed all their time running and playing with their newly whole child, until one day the child was playing in the yard and ran right in front of a cement truck and died.
I guess you could say that the moral of this story is, "stop while you're a head".
Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?
The guy that can hold a cup of coffee in each hand and 6 donuts
How many surreal artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three, one to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bath tub.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why doesn't democracy work in china?
Because no one wants to hold an e**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Best Read with a German Accent (Warning: Holocaust Joke)
One day during the war, h**... gathered his top advisers to hold a top secret meeting. He said "Ok, tomorrow ve vill kill 1,000 Jews and three hamsters". His advisors looked at one another, and one said, "But h**..., vhy ze three hamsters". h**... smiled at his advisers and replied, "You see, no one cares about ze jews!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman gets on a bus...
with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
Hide and seek.
A girl was teaching a boy about her own rules at hide and seek: "If you can find me in 20 minutes, you may hold my hand. If you can find me in 10 minutes, you may kiss me. If you can find me in 2, you may do whatever you want to me, and I always hide behind the fridge."
My priest told a joke during his homily today.
A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"
God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."
"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."
"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"
"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."
How many Dell Service Reps does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, I am on hold.
Library joke
Why are librarians so lonely?
They're always by them shelves
Just wanted to see if that library joke checked out
Sorry for all the library jokes, I'll put them on hold
An old married couple are driving down the road.
They run over a mama skunk and the wife insists that they go back and pick up the baby skunk.
She says to her husband, "The poor thing is freezing."
"Put him between your legs and warm him up." is the husband's reply.
"But what about the smell?" she asks.
The husband says, "Just hold his little nose and he should be fine."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The wife's back on the warpath again...
She was up for making a s**... movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind....
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!
Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.
The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down."
"The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back."
"The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two.
One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the p**.....*ER..LADDER! I MEANT LADDER!*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many feminists do you need to replace a lightbulb?
Only 1, she'll hold the bulb in place and wait while the world revolves around her.
World Cut Soccer
A little old Brazilian lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.
A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."
"Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up."
"Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," she said. "My yard backs up on the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, a lot of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms. So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one is in mid-stream, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'"
"Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?"
"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So this r**... in New York is getting mugged...
and he fights like a wildcat, but eventually the three toughs overcome him. Two hold him down while the third grabs his wallet and opens it.
"Ten dollars??!!? You fought like a madman for *15 minutes* for a lousy ten bucks?"
"Oh no!" replied the r**.... "I thought you were going after the $500 in my shoe!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Mongolian man tells his friend a story
When I came home late last night, I found my wife with another man. I was furious, and to hold myself back, I sat down and drank from a bottle that was left on the table. Then, I sang a song to cheer myself up. When I felt a little better, I looked around, and said to myself, s**..., this isn't my house,'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Russian sailors decide to quit drinking,
but they still have a bottle of v**... left, and they refuse to let it go to waste, so one says:" Anatoli, i shall hold the bottle in one hand behind my back, if you can guess which one, we will drink it, if not, i will throw it overboard." They agree on this. The first sailor hides the bottle, the second guesses:"Left!"
"Keep guessing, Anatoli, keep guessing."
LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls
So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to the store to buy cleaning supplies. I tried at least five different types, and scrubbed for at least half an hour but the stain was still there. Does anybody have any good methods for getting blood out of the carpet?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm afraid my dog is an alcoholic.
She just can't seem to hold her l**....
When my girlfriend complains about how bad her day was I like to hold her hands
Because shes deaf
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was holding a door open for an Asian Guy.
I was holding a door open for an Asian Guy.
Once he went though, He said, 'Sank you'.
I Swore at him and kicked him in the Shin.
I Then said, 'Never bring up Pearl Harbor like that'
Why did Germany hold a ceremony for the Greek bankruptcy?
They wanted to give credit where credit was due.
When two bears asked a pastor to marry them in the forest, what did he say?
"Hold on, let me get my bear rings."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
how many screws hold together a l**... bed?
None it's all tongue and groove
Criminal on the electric chair. The officer ask: Any last wishes?
The criminal: Please hold my hand...
What do condoms and coffins have in common?
They both hold stiffs
How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*One to hold the bulb up to the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them, three to scream at the circuit breaker and belittle it for controlling power, and eight others to console the first four while they tweet about how problematic this traumatic experience has been for everyone.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old one I've never seen on here
This joke was in a book I had as a young child, probably from the 70s or 80s. It's so ridiculous, I remember it to this day.
Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a white elephant?
A: Hold its nose until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Two electricians are up on a pole
A granny walks by. One of the electricians shouts at the granny:
— Hey grandma, can you hold that cable that's on the ground next to you for a bit, please?
The granny picks up the cable. The same electrician then states to the other:
— Told you it was the ground.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Jews walking down the street
Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.
**CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM
GET $50!**
"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"
"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real."
Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside.
Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes out of the cathedral.
"So? Was it a scam? Did you get the $50??," asks David.
Aaron replies, "Is it always about the money with you people?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me to My Neighbour
we get it. you can hold your breath (*looks at watch*) for 19 days. Quit showing off and come out of that pool.
Mini-Skirt Speech
My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde walks up to her blonde mom...
and asks,
"Mom, why does everyone think we are s**...?"
Her mum chuckles and says
"Bring me a p**..."
A bit confused, the daughter goes and grabs a p**... from the kitchen and hands it to her mom. Soon after the mother starts knocking on the p**....
The daughter turns to the door and says,
"Mom! Someone is at the door!"
The mom chuckles and says,
"See, this is why people think Blondes are s**......
now hold this p**... so I can go answer the door."
*Edit* Changed gender of daughter back, sorry tumblr.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My roommate called the s**... hotline and they put him on hold
They just left him hangin'
How many Google plus users does it take to change a lightbulb ?
All of them actually . Two to hold the ladder and one to change the lightbulb .
I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.
But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They just hold the bulb in place and the world revolves around them.
GB: Brexit was the dumbest thing in the last years!
USA: hold my drink!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A midget and a man are on a bus
The two of them sit next to each other.
When the next stop comes, the midget falls off of the chair, so the man picks him back up.
Another stop comes, and the midget falls again, and again the man picks him up.
On the third stop he of course falls again and this time, the man says:
"Hold on when we get to a stop, you freaking midget!"
The midget replies:
"Can I please leave the bus? I was supposed to get off two stops ago."
A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.
The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.
The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.
The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.
How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six.
One Slytherin to break it.
One Gryffindor to volunteer to change it.
Three Hufflepuffs to hold the ladder to ensure the safety of the Gryffindor student.
And one Ravenclaw to point out that they could have just used magic in the first place.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did."
Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A treehouse is cruel...
It's like killing someone and then making their friends hold the dead body.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
15 Year Old Teenager: "I love the US! It's the land of freedom and opportunity! We even have freedom of speech!"
CNN: "Hold my beer."
When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would have survived the same situation...
Almost died in Finding Nemo
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Valve employees does it take to change a light-bulb?
Two. Two to hold a ladder and one to screw it in.
Whats that? Three you say? They can't count that high.
Well... there goes Ted's reputation
Trump: No one embarrasses themselves on Twitter like I do
Ted Cruz: Hold my milk
Trump: Wait, this isn't milk...
I'm 24 and she's 13. She wants me - what do I do?
I've been playing an online game with a woman. I'm up to level 24, but she's only on level 13. She really wants me in her clan to help her level, but I cant find the heart to tell her that she's only going to hold me back from leveling up myself.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm not an expert in m**...
But I hold my own
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So this lady is getting on the bus with her baby...
And as she gets on, the bus driver glances at her child, does a double take and says "Gaaaaahhhh!!"
Well, this disturbs the lady, but she sits down.
The passenger next to her sees that she's disturbed, and asks what's wrong.
"The bus driver was VERY rude to me!"
The passenger says, "Well, you should go give him a piece of your mind! Let me hold your monkey for you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jack goes to his friend Mike
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of s**... questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman and her baby get on a bus to head out for some errands. The bus driver mumbles: 'Wow, that's one *ugly* baby!' The woman was absolutely livid and storms to the rear of the bus to sit. The man next to her asked if she was OK. She replied: 'No, the driver just insulted us!'
The man replied: 'You should go back and tell him off! Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'
Who holds the record for longest time trapped in a cave with a soccer team?
It's a Thai
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went drinking with a human centipede
The first guy could hold his liquor.
The rest if them got completely s**....
A child ask his mother: "Did you know our maid was an angel?"
Mom: Why do you say that?
Child: Well yesterday she was in the kitchen with both her hands in the air and she was screaming : "Oh my God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"
If dad wasn't there to hold her waist, she would have gone straight to heaven!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got my kid baptized yesterday
Priest: Do you believe in the Holy Spirit and the holy Catholic church?
Me: I do.
Priest: Do you believe in the communion of saints and the forgiveness of sins?
Me: I do.
Priest: Do you believe in the resurrection of the body and life everlasting?
Me: I do
Priest: Do you hereby indemnify and hold harmless the Catholic church for any s**... misconduct to you and your family for ever and ever amen?
Me: I do--- wait! Hold on!
Priest: Too late! You said it!
A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff
Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.
"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch can't hold all our weight. You're all so beautiful and talented, so I'm going to let go in hopes that it's enough to save your lives. Tell my family I love them."
The blondes were so moved by her selfless sacrifice that they gave her a round of applause.
Why do priests love to go fishing with kids?
So they have someone to hold their rod.
Chivalry Is Dead
I didn't hold the door open for a girl and she said "Chivalry is dead." So I challenged her to a duel.
Chivalry aint dead but she is.
I had a joke about Trumps border wall
But it doesn't hold up over time.
Let's hold on for another 130 days.
If we give up now and skip this year, it's admitting our loss and saying 2021.
Me: [Holds the door for my wife]
My wife: Why can't we just buy an umbrella
I hold my boyfriend and my dentist to the same standard...
They're not allowed to ask me open ended questions when they're in my mouth.
