The Best 67 Hockey Jokes

This article contains a list of hockey jokes that will make you laugh out loud.

Top 10 Funniest Hockey Jokes and Puns

What's the difference between a hockey team and a Russian woman?

The hockey team showers after three periods.

So these lepers are playing ice hockey and he gets kicked off the team. Why?

Because there was a face off on the ice.

Why Does Jesus suck at hockey?

He's always getting nailed to the boards.

What's the difference between a hockey team and a New Jersey hooker?

A hockey team showers after 3 periods.

jokes about hockey

Biochem professor told me this one today... Who is the all time leading scorer in hockey history?


-No, no its not him. Its a Japanese guy, the name's Eshutsi.

-Eshutsi? I've never heard of him....

-You haven't? How many times have you heard the announcer say "He shoots he scores!!!"

Why did they stop the leper hockey game?

There was a face off in the corner.

Women's hockey is the most dangerous sport...

Twelve women, three periods each.

Hockey joke, Women's hockey is the most dangerous sport...

Why cant a woman be the goalie for hockey?

3 periods 2 pads.

Whats the difference between hockey players and hippie girls?

Hockey players shower after 3 periods

I was at a hockey game yesterday and I came up with this horrible joke. Why are women bad luck at hockey games?

Because they never have good periods.

What do you tell a Hockey player messing up with you...

... Stop pucking around

You can explore hockey puck reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean hockey stick dad jokes. There are also hockey puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

What do a hippie-chick and a hockey player have in common?

Both don't shower until after 3 periods.

What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?

The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.

Why did the referee blow his whistle at the leper hockey game?

There was a face off at centre ice.

Why do hockey players always make terrible birthday cakes?

Because icing is not allowed.

Water polo was invented

After a particularly heated game of ICE Hockey

Hockey joke, Water polo was invented

Why do Canadian women use hockey pucks instead of tampons?

Because they last for 3 periods.

Why is hockey the bloodiest sport?

It has three periods.

I wish life was more like hockey...

Who doesn't want a horn to sound when their period ends?

A restaurant manager gets offered a promotion...

After calling him into his office, the owner of the store tells the manager that he would like to give him the opportunity of being an owner of his own at a location in Canada. "Canada?", the manager says, "The only people in Canada are idiots or hockey players!" The owner becomes very serious, and says "My wife is from Canada." The manager quickly responds, "Oh what team does she play for?"

Went to fight..

Hockey game broke out.

There's a Mexican, An American and a Canadian on a blimp...

The blimp starts falling out of the sky, so the three men start throwing anything they brought that they don't need.

The Canadian says, "there's too many of these in my country," and throws a bunch of hockey sticks out of the blimp.

The Mexican says, "There's too many of these in my country," and throws out his sombrero.

The American says, "There's too many of these in my country,"...

And throws the Mexican off the blimp.

Why did Jesus stop playing Hockey?

He just kept getting nailed to the boards.

Did you hear about the hockey game in the leper colony?

There was a face-off on the ice.

Why do girls suck at playing hockey as goalie?

Because there are 3 periods and only 2 pads

What is the difference between a feminist and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers after three periods!^I^will^see^myself^out^now

Hockey joke, What is the difference between a feminist and a hockey player?

Why do hockey players wear so many pads?

Because they have 3 periods every game!

Did you hear about the hockey game where all the players had leprosy?

There was a face off in the corner.

Letter to God

Dear God,

Last week, you took my favorite boxer; Muhammed Ali.
Today, you took my favorite hockey player; Gordie Howe.
I just want to let you know that my favorite candidate is Donald Trump.

The first testicular guard, the "cup", was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

That means that it only took 100 years for men to figure out that their brain is also important.

Quit laughing.

Why can't girls play hockey?

Their pads can't last three periods

Where does a majority of a hockey player's salary come from?

The tooth fairy

Why do hipsters love field hockey?

Because it's ice hockey before it gets cool.

Why do Canadians always do it doggy-style?

So they can both watch the hockey game.

Why did Jesus quit the hockey team?

He was tired of being nailed against the boards.

My son is playing hockey for the youth Nashville team.


A man is sitting at a bar in Las Vegas, crying.

The Bartender notices him and asks him what's wrong.

The man answers:''I lost over 50 grand this weekend betting on sports. I Went 0-8 in Baseball, 0-13 in Basketball, 0-6 In Football and 0-9 in Soccer."

The bartender, in disbelief, tries to soothe the man:"Have you ever tried betting on Hockey?"

The man quickly responds:"Of course not. I don't know anything about hockey!"

Ten reasons why hockey is better than women

1: In hockey, everyone likes rough.

2: You only get 5 minutes for fighting.

3: Puck is not a dirty word.

4: You don't have to play in the neutral zone.

5: It is possible to score a few times a night.

6: When you "pull the goalie," nobody gets pregnant.

7: Missing teeth doesn't stop you from scoring.

8: You can always get new wood if your stick breaks.

9: The Zamboni cleans up your mess.

10: Periods last twenty minutes!

What do a hockey player and an Amish woman have in common?

They both shower after the third period.

What do hippie chicks and hockey players have in common?

They usually shower after three periods.

Why do hockey rinks have rounded corners?

Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

What do you call a hockey player in a leaky barn?

Grain Wetzsky

Why didn't Jesus play hockey?

Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in Mexico.

Why do Canadians always beat Germans at hockey?

Canadians bring their 'eh' game; Germans bring their wurst.

I watched hockey before it was cool.

They basically were swimming.

*Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA*

That's to bad eh, they're parents could'nt afford hockey equipment growing up.

What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky

How to fix a broken vacuum.

If you ever come a cross a broken vacuum, put a toronto maple leaf hockey jersey on it.

It will start sucking right away.

My local hockey rink just reported their Zamboni driver has gone missing...

They hope he resurfaces soon.

I went to a Canadian fight one time

And a hockey game broke out :(

Why was Jesus bad at hockey?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

An American, a German and an Arabian prince brag about who has the largest family.

The American says: "I got 5 kids. Only one more and I have an complete ice hockey team."

The German replies: "You amateur. I got 10 kids. Only one more and I can send a complete foootball (soccer) team onto the filed."

The Arabian prince then replies: "That's nothing... I've got 17 wives. Only one more and I have a complete golf course."

Did you know that R. Kelly wanted to be a pro hockey player?

He was good at it too, but the only trouble was that he didn't want to score after the first period.

Did you know R Kelly had a chance to become a professional Hockey player?

The only problem was.. is that he never wanted to score after the first period.

Why did Jesus never play hockey?

He was always more of a Lacrosse guy.

Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto?

So that Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like.

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins,

so he asked, "Do you play hockey?"


"Do you play soccer?"


"Do you play any other physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."

What do you call a hockey player in a wheat field when it's raining?

Grayne Wetzky

What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?

Hockey players take thier pads off after three periods.

2 hockey players were fighting on the rink. Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right hander to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice. A player on the bench says

"at least he got ice on it right away."

Do you know why Jesus stopped playing hockey?

Kept getting nailed to the boards.

What do you get when you cross a groundhog with a Maple Leaf?

Six more weeks of hockey.

why do Canadians have sex dog style?

So they both watch the hockey game.

Why does the Finnish hockey team not have any fans

It's already cold enough, they don't need any

A hockey player was asked, 'How many accidents have you had in your career?'

The player responded, 'None for sure. I've had two concussions, lost all my front teeth, have had my nose broken four times, but they weren't accidents. The opponents did it on purpose'.

What's the difference a hockey player and a hippie chick?

A hockey player showers after three periods

Hockey seems like a women's sport....

It has periods and the players wear pads.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the hockey nhl puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working hockey goals piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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