Uplifting Hmm Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
A man and a woman are chatting in an elevator.
"What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate s**..., and the s**... bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
When god created man
Gods assistant: Is it done?
God: Hmm, add a little toe to his foot.
Gods assistant: Why?
God: For furniture.
Gods assistant: Furniture?
God: Believe me it'll be funny
Interviewer: It says here you're skilled at saying unexpected things?
Me: Yes, I am.
Interviewer: Hmm, I thought you were going to say something unexpec-- oh, you're good.
A man walks up to a g**... the street
He asks her "would you have s**... with me for a million dollars?"
The girl replies "hmm.. for a millian dollars sure!"
The man asks "would you have s**... with me for free?"
The girl replies "for free? What kind of girl do you think I am?
The man replies "we've already found what kind of girl you are now we are just negotiating a price."
A joke I was told by an old man I golfed with.
A man was at the bar with a couple of his neighbors. One of his friends says "Have you seen that new pool boy the Johnsons hired? I heard he's had his way with all the women in the neighborhood except one."
Worried, the man goes home and confronts his wife. "Honey I heard the new pool boy has had with every woman in the neighborhood except one, do you know anything about that?" She replies "hmm, I bet it's Betty, she's a real p**...."
I heard the latest statistic that 1 in 3 people cheat on their significant others
that means either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me.
Hmm....
Doctor Am I pregnant?
A lady goes to a doctor to find out if she is pregnant
Doc: Hmm, Looks like your Preganant...
Girl: Am I?
Doc: No it just looks like you are
An 85 year old man goes to his doctor...
"Doc, I got a big problem."
"I understand you were recently remarried, is that right?"
"Yes. My new wife is 23 years old, and that's exactly the problem. She just told me she's pregnant! I haven't been a father in sixty years, and I don't know what to do."
"Hmm. Let me tell you a story that I think will help explain what's going on here: A near sighted man decides to go bear hunting. On his way out the door, he accidentally picks up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Once he gets to the woods, he is instantly attacked by a ferocious 1,200 pound bear. He picks up his umbrella and shoots it dead. Does that story make sense to you?"
"No! Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"My point exactly."
A man goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I've been throwin' up all day"
He tosses a ball up and it lands back in his hands. "See? This has been going on for hours and hours!"
The doctor studies him for a bit and then finally says, "Hmm... I think you've caught something..."
A waitress at a diner gives a man his check.
As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.
Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?
Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.
Waitress: This second one tells me that you are not married.
Man: Yes, that's true too.
Waitress: And this last one tells me that your mother wasn't married either.
Two Blondes on a Street
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You d**..., it's me!"
You can explore hmm dunno reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean hmm uhm dad jokes. There are also hmm puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A man was interviewing for a position with the CIA (Part 1)
He turns up to the interview and there are two other guys.
The first guy gets taken in for an interview and is asked: Who killed Jesus Christ? He replies "The Jews".
The second guy gets taken in and is asked the same thing, to which he replies "The Romans".
The third guy (our guy) gets taken in and when asked the same question he replies "Hmm, I'll have to go home and think about that for a while".
When he got home, his wife asked how he went and he replied enthusiastically "It went really well, I've been assigned a case already!"
Three Nuns Die And Each Have To Answer A Question From God To Get Into Heaven...
God asks the first Nun, "Who were the first two people?"
She says, "Adam and Eve".
He says, "Okay, you're in."
God asks the second Nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?"
She says, "The Garden of Eden".
He says, "Okay, you're in."
God asks the third Nun, "What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?"
She says, "Hmm, that's a hard one."
He says, "Okay, you're in."
I heard there's this new pill that cures addiction.
Hmm, I wonder what two of them will do...
A woman is pregnant with twins
but because of complications during labor, she passed out for about 24 hours after the birth. When she wakes up, she asks to see her children, excited to name them.
The doctor says sure, here they are, but your brother already named them.
What? she exclaims, what did he name them?
He named the girl, Denise, said the doctor.
Hmm, she says, I guess that's ok. I like Denise. What did he name my son?
Denephew.
A wife's husband and her lover end up at the same backyard party.
They are actually talking to each other, though somewhat unacquainted. The wife wants to somehow interject and separate the two.
"Honey, do you want a beer?"
"Yes."
"Yes."
She hustles off. flustered and embarrassed at **both** of them responding.
The husband looks wryly at the gentleman next to him..
"Hmm.." he begins thinking. "How did *he* know I wanted a beer?"
A tree with anxiety.
A tree had been filled with anxiety and decides to see a psychologist.
"I just don't know what to do," the tree said. "Every year I feel very anxious during fall and winter."
"Hmm, interesting," the psychologist said, "And how do you feel when spring comes?"
The tree smiles, "Releaved!""
The owners of a micro-brewery are sitting around a table having their monthly board meeting.
The accountant stands up and says "So, let's see, this month, we lost ... hmm... hmm... Hey! Does anybody have a black pen?"
The CEO says "I can go buy one."
The accountant replies "Yeah, but then we won't need it anymore."
"Doctor, everytime i drink hot coffee my eye will feel hurt."
"Hmm, i never heard about this before. Anyways can you make a coffee and drink it now?
Of course."
The doctor give him a cup of hot water, an instant coffee and a spoon. The old man makes the coffee as usually and drink it. Then the doctor said,
"Oh i see! You forgot to remove the spoon!
My time machine landed right in the middle of h**...'s living room
I thought to myself, now's my chance to make the world a better place
"Please sir," I pleaded, "Don't gas the Jews."
"Gas the Jews?" h**... replied, "Hmm, I hadn't thought of that."
I asked the librarian if she had any books on skepticism.
She said, "No."
I said, "Hmm, let me check."
Three men go to a ski resort...
there aren't enough rooms left so they all share one room which only has one bed. In the morning the three men wake up, the one on the left says "I just had the most amazing dream" The man on the right replies "Really what happened?" "Well I just had the best dream h**..." "No way! I just had the same dream." To which the man in the middle responds "Hmm that's weird, I had a dream about skiing."
Girl: You weren't even listening just now were you?!
Guy Thinking: "Hmm, that's a weird way to start a conversation."
Got my wife during the game last night
Hit my wife with this yesterday during the game, paraphrasing:
Wife: so it's the Los Angeles Chargers now?
Me: yeah they moved the team a few years ago
Wife: but aren't the raiders Los Angeles?
Me: no it's Las Vegas
Wife: oh I got the Los and Las mixed up
Me: hmm I guess you're at a Los for words
She didn't like it as much as I did :D
A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist.
A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting on a Starbucks patio across from an abandoned building when a car pulls up, and two people get out and enter the building.
A few minutes go by, three people exit the building, get into the car and drive off.
"Hmm," says the physicist, "our original count must have been inaccurate."
"Ahh," says the biologist, "they must have reproduced!"
"Aha!" says the mathematician, "now if exactly one person enters the building, it will be empty again!"
How mamy optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
is it 1, or 2?
Hmm? 1?
β¦
Or 2?
Blonde Moments: Life with a Blonde Teenage Daughter
SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl's name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You're no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is β¦ ahh β¦ eh β¦ well, oh β¦ uh β¦
Me: Close enough.
true meaning of duck tape
duck tape turns a no no no to a hmm hmm hmm
A man goes to the doctor to report a serious memory loss problem
Man: Doctor, I have a serious memory loss problem
Doctor: Hmm.. and since when did you have this problem?
Man: What problem?
I saw a boy eating the grass between the cracks in the curb
I went up to him and said "don't eat the grass, it's bad for you"
He looked at me and said "I haven't had any food for the last 3 days. This is all I can find"
I told him to get up and to come over to my place to get him a better meal
He stopped and said "well, my sister, she hasn't eaten in 3 days either"
I thought for a second and went, "hmm I don't know, I don't really have a very big lawn"
A woman brought her husband to a doctor to try to cure his snoring problem.
Dr.: "it is possible to treat, but it will cost you a lot of money."
Woman: "that's fine, how much will it cost?"
Dr.: "$20,000 down payment, and $250 in monthly intervals for a year."
Woman: "woah, its almost like im buying a sports car!!"
Dr.: "hmm... too obvious, huh?"
A man s**... the blood of a vampire and he said..
Hmm, irony.
A boy tells his father that humans are cruel
"Hmm okay, but why?" asked the father.
"Well some people out there are hanging horses" said the son.
The father let out a confused chuckle, "What do you mean people are hanging horses?!"
The son tells him "well I overheard mum telling her friend that the plumber who came over to fix the drain pipes was hung like a horse."
An elderly woman is moving into a retirement home
As part of the admissions process she has a check-up by the resident doctor. The doctor asks, "So have you been having any problems?"
Woman: "Well, I have noticed something unusual. I have this hole in my chest between my b**...."
Doctor: "Hmm, let me have a quick look."
The woman lifts up her blouse.
The doctor bends over to take a closer look, and she says, "Oh you really have nothing to worry about. It's just your belly button."
A blonde orders a medium pizza
The cashier asks if she wants it cut into four or eight slices.
"Hmm... four. I don't think I can eat eight."
A chicken joke
Son: Dad, why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: I don't know. Why?
Son: To get to the ugly man's house.
Me: Hmm...
Son: Knock! Knock!
Me: Who's there?
Son: The Chicken!
Me: You're no son of mine.
Dearest John
John receives a phone call.
"Hello," he answers.
The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."
John: "Oh, yeah, of course! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport.
Hunchbacks would make great detectives
They can start off every investigation saying, "Hmm, I have a hunch".
A Polish woman is visiting her friend
A Polish woman is visiting her friend. They are sitting talking at the kitchen table when her friend looks out the window and sees her husband carrying a bouquet of flowers. She turns to her Polish friend and says "great, now I'm going to have my legs up in the air all night"
Her friend replies "hmm usually I just use a vase"
Asking someone's favorite month (Bar joke)
A man walks into a bar and asks the guys beside him
Hmm do you have a favorite month?
The guy replied
Yes July
The man then asks
Why July?
The guy replies again
No no no July is actually my favorite month I didn't lie
A boy goes into confession...
The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl."
"Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?"
"Oh I can't say."
"Was it Mary Jane?"
"No Father."
"Adalina Mozarelli?"
"My lips are sealed."
"How about Cindy King"
"I can never say."
"Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?"
"No."
"It has to be Tracy Cummings though!"
"Father I will never tell you."
"Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months."
"Ok, Father"
The boy leaves and his friend asks, "So what'd you get?"
The boy responds, "Five good leads, and a four month vacation!"
Amputate?
Doctor: Mr. Franco, I'm sorry to tell you that your leg has developed gangrene, and if we don't amputate immediately, you may die due to infection.
Shall I schedule the surgery?
Mr. Franco: Hmm... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
"ROAR"
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
"GROWL"
hmm
"SHOUT"
hmmm
"YELL"
hmmmmm
"HOLLER"
oh its a thesaurus"
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To build up it's pecs.
(Yes I know it's a groaner, I made it up... Hmm.. Pecs/Pecks? Wasn't sure which is best).
God Wants To Go On Vacation
"Hmm, How about Venus?" An angel says
"No! It's way too hot there I need some place better" says God.
The angels face than lights up when he says "I've got it! How about you go down to Earth?"
God than chuckles and says "Are you kidding? Im not going down there. 2000 years ago I had an affair with a nice jewish girl and they are still talking about me!"
I went for a job interview
And at the end they asked me, So, last question: what would you say is your worst quality?
Worst quality? , I replied, well I've been told that I often jump to conclusions...
Hmm, ok. Well, thanks very much for coming in, we'll be in touch
No problem! See you Monday!
A Washington h**... gets a tattoo of Mike Pence on one inner thigh and one of Bill Barr on the other ...
Then when she gets a customer, she says, "If you can name both of them, I'll give you one for free."
Customer replies, "Hmm, I don't know about those two, but the one in the middle is Mitch McConnell."
Making a good analogy is as hard as...
Hmm...
Sore Paws
Little Johnny calls his dad, 'Dad those two dogs over there, why is the one at the front giving the one at the back a ride?'
'Errr, hmm, well son, the one at the back has saw front paws, so the one at the front is giving him a lift home'
'It's always the same innit dad'
'What's that son?'
'You try and help someone out, you end up getting f**...!'
Two older coupleβ¦
Two older couple in their 80's rented a room at a fancy hotel on the 59th floor. They got into an argument and the woman threaten to jump out the window. The old guy call down to the front office and asked to speak with the manager. He said " look hmm me and my wife just got into a big fight and now she's threatening to jump out the window." The manager replied "I am so sorry to hear that, but normally we don't get involve in domestic situations." The old man replied "look a**... I don't need your help ok I just want you to send the maintenance guy up here to open the d**... window already."
Driving Down The Street
I was driving down the street when i saw a black man with a tv, i thought to myself hmm that looks just like mine but when i got home mine was still there washing my car like i told him to.
kid: Dad, what's a 'gossip'?
Dad: "hmm... I think you could says that a gossip is a person with a great sense of rumour."
I was in the shoe shop getting my feet measured.
"Hmm," she said, "I'd say you're a 5 and a half...possibly a 6."
I said, "Shut up, you aren't too good looking yourself!"
What does a police officer in rural Pennsylvania say when he sees suspicious behavior?
"Hmm, something's Amish here."
A Job Interview... "What is your biggest weakness? What is your biggest strength?"
In my job interview, the interviewer told me I had done very well, and he had two final questions for me...
1) what is your biggest weakness?
2)what is your biggest strength?
I said "Well my biggest weakness is that i have trouble discerning between real life and fantasy"
The interview said "okay then, and what is your biggest strength then?"
I replied " Hmm, either that I can fly, or that I can turn invisible."
A polar bear walks into a bar
...bartender says "Hey buddy, what'll ya have?" The polar bear says "Well, I'll just have a... hmm... uh... I'll have a beer." The bartender says "Sure thing, but why the large pause?"
How dare you say I'm dumb!
Would a d**... get a 'A' on there IQ test? Hmm?
Dad rocks,son shocked!
Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
An Indian tracker puts his ear to the ground
And says "buffalo come." Amazed, his clients ask how he knows. He rubs his ear and says "hmm sticky."
They say 1 in 3 people are unfaithful to their partner.
Hmm, I wonder which one is unfaithful... my girlfriend or my wife?
Wife Runs Away With A Best Friend!
Friend 1- Yesterday My wife Ran Away With My Best Friend Mike.
Friend 2- Since When Is Mike Your Best Friend?
Friend 1- Since Yesterday!!
Friend 2- hmm..
A second opinion
Doctor: Your test results came back, I'm afraid you do have cancer. I suggest we treat you with chemotherapy as soon as possible.
Patient: Hmm I don't know.... I'd like a second opinion.
Doctor: Okay. You are also ugly.
I tried to lie to the bouncer about my age when so I could enter the club...
Me: "23 sir".
Bouncer: "Hmm you don't look 23..."
Me: "Oh stop it you're making me blus-"
Bouncer: "You look like you're in your 30s".
A man goes to doctor...
"Doc, I can't sleep"
"Okay, let's have a look. Hmm... okay, sir, I think you have to quit m**..."
"Why?"
"So that I can examine you"
Magicians in The Future
"I need a volunteer. Hmm... Yes, you! The attack helicopter in the red shirt!"
RenΓ© Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Would you care for a drink?"
Descartes replies, "Hmm, I think not."
RenΓ© Descartes does not exist.
Have you heard the one about the gay termite?
He only eats mail boxes. (male boxes).
Hmm. Works way better when told out loud.
Mary and Joseph talking
Mary: Oh no my period is late
Joseph: Oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what's the date
Joseph: hmm, according to the calendar it's 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Two friends discussing dinner plans.
Friend 1: hey friend 2 what do you want to eat tonight
F2: hmm I'm thinking fish
F1: fish?!?! Why fish?
F2:... for the halibut.
Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
Candidate: "Let me check my Jira backlog. Hang on.. Ok, on this page.. then this page.. 5 years.. hmm... It looks like I will be watching Dragon Ball Super 2."
Interviewer: ...
A man walking down the street thinks he recognizes someone.
Don't I know you from Toledo?
I've never been to Toledo.
Neither have I. Hmm, must have been two other people.
A bird lands in a bush between two others..
He turns to one on his right and asks s**... ? The other bird replies angrily No spit! . He looks at the bird to his left Hmm thorny subject .
"Hmm," I said to the fishmonger, examining the selection. "I've got the munchies, I will eat any of these."
"Smoked trout?" he asked.
"No," I replied. "Just a little bit of w**...."
I once saw a man with three t**...
I thought to myself "Hmm, that's odd".
Coming back to London after his latest tour ended in Brazil, Phil Collins found that his head was itching.
He thought, "Hmm, I'd better see someone about this," and got himself to a doctor.
Sure enough, the doctor found small insects in his scalp. He asked, "Were you by any chance riding a llama with fleas?"
"No," Phil said, "it's all been alpaca lice."ο»Ώ
I'm told to give a joke next week in my class
It's this new thing the tutor wants to do, now I'm not sure what kind of joke I should give to an IT class. Hmm.. suggestions?
P.S. Sorry if this isn't allowed, if so just do what you need to do.
Thanks! :)
Hmm...
π€ So you "know" horror but you can't even name the writer and director of Sleepaway Camp (1983)? Okay... ππ
Hmm, wine or beer... that's the decision.
Which one do I throw at the TV while a Christmas movie's playing?
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm turnip
Hmm, let's see if we can get to the root of the problem.
Hmm. . .
What should you do with the Jewish, autistic kid?
Send him to a concentration camp. . .
What did the math teacher when you got a 99 on a test?
Hmm, that's odd.
