Entertaining Hitting Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
During s**... im like a high energy photon hitting the Earth's atmosphere...
I come fast and dont p**... very far! ... ayyyyy!
I love hitting F5...
It's so refreshing
Harry is taking a stroll through the woods....
...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for something larger, and he finds an old railroad tie. He lifts up the railroad tie and chucks it down the hole. Still no sound.
Then out of NOWHERE, Harry sees a goat charging at him full speed from behind. Harry dives out of the way, then watches as the goat charges strait down the hole.
Harry is sitting there, perplexed, when a farmer approaches Harry and asks
Farmer: "Hey son, you haven't seen a goat around here have you?"
Harry: "Actually, Yes I did! It was the strangest thing, a goat just charged me full speed! I was just able to get out of the way. THEN the goat ran strait down that hole over there" as Harry points to the hole.
Farmer: "That's impossible, I tied that goat to a railroad tie"
A Man With Sticks in the Middle of Town.
A man is hitting two sticks together in the middle of a small town in suburban America.
Another man walks up and asks, "why are you hitting those sticks together?"
The first man replies, "I'm keeping the elephants away."
Confused, the other man says, "but there are no elephants around here!"
The man with the sticks calmly replies, "You're welcome."
Hitting on women is like doing Parkour..
I can't do Parkour.
Mom says to Dad:
"I've found a b**... magazine under our son's bed. What are we supposed to do about it?"
Dad replies: "I don't know honey, but I think, hitting him would be very wrong."
Why can't a dog clap in the middle of a movie?
Because it keeps hitting pause.
I spent a long time hitting on a lesbian girl...
...until she said: "Okay, I'm gonna be straight with you."
A German man was hitting on my sister-in-law...
I told her "He wants to put his wiener in your schnitzel."
She replied "Not happening, I guess he'll be stroganoff."
A guy is standing in Times Square hitting two sticks together
A police man walks up to him, thinking he is crazy, and asks "what in the world are you doing?"
The man replies "I'm keeping the mountain lions away!"
The police man says "there's not a mountain lion within 1000 miles of here!"
The man grins "I know I'm doing a pretty good job, aren't I?"
You can explore hitting pedestrians reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean hitting nightstick dad jokes. There are also hitting puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Girl's are like blackjack
I'm always hoping for 21 but I keep hitting on 14.
I got my priest to stop hitting on me.
I introduced him to my little brother.
If two Homeless people are hitting each other with a cardboard boxes...
Is it a pillow fight?
Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!
Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.
Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."
I was throwing darts at wife's photo on dart board
and not even a single one hitting the target.
Wife entered, saw and asked, Honey! What are you doing?
Husband: Missing you.
And that's when the fight started…
In a bar, there's a guy hitting on a cute Banker girl
The guy brags about all his riches and possessions, but he got shot down by the girl immediately.
The girl said, "Leave me a loan!"
The guy noticed the wordplay, he praised the girl. "That's a pretty clever pun! ...But not as pretty as you"
The girl, now irritated, said. "I'm not kidding, leave me a loan! I lost interest."
the hardest part about hitting a child in public...
is avoiding getting caught by their parent's.
A man and his son were at the grocery store today...
They were using a cart that had a child-size car attached to the front with the kid inside. While I was shopping, I noticed the dad started hitting the cart into the wall, it was a pretty bizarre sight to see. Before I could intervene, the kid yells,
Kid: DAAAAAD, stop!!! What are you doing?! Stooop!
Kid: Daaaad?! We're not going anywhere! What are you doing?
The dad finally stops after a minute, looks his son straight in the eye and says, as a matter of fact,
Dad: "I don't know son, you're the one who's driving."
I've never laughed so hard while eavesdropping, dad jokes are great. Happy Saturday!
My girlfriend took a pregnancy test and it came back positive.
While she screamed and stomped around the house, k**... and hitting whatever she came into contact with, her father walked over.
With a pitiful eye, he looked at me and said, "You should have worn a c**...."
I said, "I'm not the only one."
Yo mama so fat. . .
I swerved my car to avoid hitting her and ran out of gas.
What are you looking at when you see two homeless dudes hitting each other with bits of cardboard?
A pillow fight.
A wife comes home late one night
She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
Use culminate in a sentence
Guy hitting on girl.
Guy: Hi I'm Nathan, but you can culminate. Here's my number, if I don't pick up, you can just always culminator
So y=e^e^x was hitting on y=e-1/x ...
y=e^e^x said, "come with me baby, I'll show you the natural growth of my log". "Sorry", replied y=e-1/x, "but even I have my limits."
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever.
I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the Like button.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.
I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
The US Navy is starting to worry about the North Korean military.
Since all the missles they launch at Washington end up hitting the ocean, the odds are they will eventually hit a ship.
Only been going to the gym a week
And already hitting the max weight on one of the machines.
Shame it's the scales
What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac?
Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 100 yards without hitting a tree.
My Psychologist told me my narcissism could cause me to misread social situations
but i'm pretty sure she was just hitting on me.
How I got out of an abusive marriage
I stopped hitting my wife
Stormtrooper helmets
I would wear a stormtrooper helmet everytime I went for a ride on a motorcycle to avoid HITTING anything.
A little boy swallows a nickel.
His mother panics and starts hitting him hard on the back. Suddenly he coughs up two dimes. She doesn't know what to do so she calls her husband.
"Junior swallowed a nickel, and when I patted him on the back he coughed up two dimes. What do I do?" she cried.
"Keep feeding him nickels!" the father said.
What sounds like a pin hitting the floor, but louder?
A PIN HITTING THE FLOOR.
A lesbian woman is hitting on another woman in a bar.....
The other woman tells the lesbian "Im sorry but I straight."
The lesbian wispers into her ear, "So is spaghetti, until it gets hot and wet"
What do you call two homeless people hitting eachother with cardboard?
A pillow fight.
A taxi driver was being interrogated after an accident.
Police Officer: So, how did you kill 59 people?
Taxi Driver: I was driving at 80km/h, when I saw two men crossing the road. On the other side, a wedding was taking place. I hit the brakes, but they failed.
Police Officer: And?
Taxi Driver: So, I had to make the choice of either hitting the two men, or the wedding party.
Police Officer: You hit the two men, of course!
Taxi Driver: Exactly! We think alike! Problem was, after hitting one of the men, the other escaped to the wedding party, so I went after him.
TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money.
Kept hitting on 17.
whenever my wife starts singing around the house I immediately go into the yard
That way the neighbors know I'm not hitting her
Mike Pence Walks Into a Bar
He walks up to a group of women and says, "Hey ladies, wanna get out of here?"
The girls look befuddled. One of them says "Excuse me Mr. Pence, as vice president and as a married man, isn't it inappropriate to hit on a group of women like this?"
To which Pence replied "I wasn't hitting on you. Either you go or I'm not allowed to stay."
My friend got mad at me after I kept hitting him with a wooden board.
I told him, It's just a plank, bro.
It's just a plank.
A man was arrested after running a red light and hitting a Chinese food delivery car.
He is charged with careless driving and wonton destruction.
I heard the woman in the apartment next door having s**... last night
She was moaning and groaning and they were thumping against the wall.
Turns out her mother had fallen and broken her hip and was hitting the wall with her cane for help.
Now I feel sorta bad for m**... so many times.
I've been hitting on a lot of Russian women at my local bar lately, at least I think they are Russian...
They all say their name is Fuckov
I am a fried nut
A string walks into a bar, and the bartender's all like "HEY, WE DON'T SERVE STRING IN HERE". Now obviously this makes the string very angry, so he goes outside and just goes CRAZY. He's rolling around, punching walls, hitting the ground, and by the time he's finally tired out he got himself all t**... and his ends frayed. So he walks back into the bar, and the bartender's like "HEY, ARE YOU THAT STRING FROM EARLIER?" And the string says "nope, I'm a frayed knot."
It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....
With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!
A psychiatrist starts working in a hospital
He is checking on the patients when he comes across a man locked in a private room and hitting himself with a shoe
"What's his case?" The psychiatrist asks
"He was in love with a girl for 10 years and then she married somone else" the nurse answers
They then walk up to another private room with a man hitting himself with 2 shoes
"What's his case?" The psychiatrist asks
"This is the man who married her"
Punching bag is hitting me back, Any advice?
Two boys are camping in the woods when one of them collapses
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other boy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a brief silence when a sound like an axe hitting a watermelon is heard.
Back on the phone, the boy says, "OK, now what?
Did you know that bats aren't actually blind?
That's why they are so good at hitting baseballs
I once upset a girl I knew who was into necrophilia she told me I should...
...kill myself. I don't know if she was threatening me or hitting on me.
I saw my neighbour hitting his plants with a long stick. I asked him why he was doing it but he wouldnt give me a straight answer,
He just kept beating around the bush.
Hitting a deer with your car is always an unfair trade.
You're out the cost of the insurance deductible, but nature is only out a buck.
I'm on a customer help live chat right now and the message tone sounds like someone hitting a tennis ball.
Now that's service.
I've been in a couple of threesomes.
Usually the other guy will be getting o**... and I'll be hitting it from behind. I've found that as long as I don't make eye contact with the guy on the other end, or the guy in the middle, it doesn't feel gay.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting people on their knees to test their reflexes.
He really seems to get a kick out of it.
Girls are like blackjack
I'm always shooting for 21 but end up hitting on 16
My uncle once got his DeLorean up to 88 mph, and ended up 30 years in the future.
That's how long he got for hitting all those people at the bus stop.
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"
Two homeless guys were sitting with a sign pointing to one of the guys that reads, "I bet you $2 you can't hit John with a quarter".
A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".
I saw a rat , so i found a bat and started hitting.
My son was crying , I'm banned from chucky cheese's.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees just to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
Whenever my wife starts to sing, I immediately go stand in the front yard
I don't want any of the neighbors to think I'm hitting her
The son comes home crying and tells his mother "the lady next door hit me!". So the mother goes over and asks why she hit her and the lady replies "your son called me fat!". To which the mother replies...
"...and you think you'll lose weight by hitting him?"
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out though.
I don't like the new guy my neighbor has
He's awful if you ask me. Looks alone. Kinda short and barely any hair. Then he's lying in bed all day, and if he's not sleeping he's screaming at her. Also hitting the bottle quite heavily and probably didn't work a single day in his whole life.
I really can't figure out what people see in babies.
Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the h**... was wrong with you?
Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.
Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.
Jesus and the woman taken in adultery
The crowd is about to stone her, but Jesus steps in front of them and says "Verily, the one who is among you that is without sin may cast the first stone!"
All of them let their hand sink, bow their heads in shame. There suddenly, from the back, a stone comes flying, hitting the woman squarely in the face. Furiously, Jesus storms through the crowd to see who dared to, who thinks himself to be without sin. He finds the thrower, grimaces and stomps his feet.
"Stop doing this! You always do that, always you have to embarrass me in front of my friends, MOM!"
Me hitting on a girl...
I wish we could be friends with unemployment benefits.
A girl I'm hitting on just caught the Corona virus
I might have a chance now, as she's lost all her taste...
My therapist told me that I'm terrible in picking up social cues.
I think she's hitting on me.
A gorgeous woman walked into a bar and a man started hitting on her.
The woman didn't like it so she told him to stop but he wouldn't stop - so she pulled out her taser on the guy.
Unconscious, the guy is pulled aside by the bartender, and the woman leaves. The man wakes up several minutes later, and the bartender asks him if he's okay.
The man replies, I'm not sure, but wasn't she a total stunner!
Policeman: How could you kill...
...69 people? What the h**... was wrong with you?
Driver: I was driving at 80km/h when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realized they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.
Policeman: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran towards the wedding party so l followed him.
A teacher told his students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted, angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"
My ex has a new guy
He's horrible. Doesn't do jack s**... around the house, lies around all the time, hitting the bottle pretty hard or yelling at her whenever it's empty. He also ain't really a looker, he's bald and kinda short and ... I really don't understand what people see in babies.
My wife is in the house singing.
I'm sitting on the front porch so the neighbors don't think I'm hitting her
A man moves to a new house
For the first three days on the way to work he sees a woman hitting her son with a loaf of bread
On the fourth day, she's hitting him with a cake
He asks what is going on
The woman replies, well, it is his birthday!
When my wife sings...
Whenever my wife starts singing, i go outside so that my neighbors don't think that I'm hitting her.
Why can't bears watch tv?
B/c they're always hitting the paws button
Husband & I are driving down the highway when we see a ladder in the road
Husband says, "out of hitting the ladder and not hitting the ladder, I choose the latter".
I took my wife to a movie about a girl hitting puberty
It was a period piece
So, I purchased tickets and attended a competition for hitting bongs…
It was a Rip Off
A wife comes home late one night...
...and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
Why can't Kevin Spacey win at blackjack (despite his role in "21")?
He keeps hitting on 17.
This morning my wife walked in and started hitting me with a bouquet of purple flowers…
She woke up and chose violets.
The Marvel character Korg is canonically gay.
I'd guess you'd say the other gladiators are hitting rock bottom.
Why couldn't the hammer find a girlfriend?
I don't know, it was hitting on everything in sight.
After almost hitting 2 cars, a man gets pulled over by a police car
The officer asked,"can I see your license, please". After rummaging through his stuff, he passes his license to the officer. "Sir, your license indicates that you must wear glasses to drive".
"Oh," the man said,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I didn't see that".
My Granny thought the Doctor was hitting on her after her medical....
Apparently Her hearing is going and she's got Acute Angina.
Kris came from a family where it's a tradition to take out their giant boulder and put it in front of their house every year for a few days
Most of their neighbors were fine with it, but some were bothered by it, including an individual named Smith who had a history of conflict with the family.
This year, he was thinking of hitting the boulder to simply show disrespect to the family, but he was still considering it.
The question remains, will Smith slap Kris' rock?
I thought life couldn't get any worse after I hit rock bottom
Until rock bottom's dad turned up and started hitting me back…
