hits Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious hits puns

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

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A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line, St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it..."

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A mother and her 5 year old daughter were driving down a highway one day when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield...

Daughter - Mommy, what was that?

Mom - (obviously didn't want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don't worry about it.

*a few seconds of silence*

Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.

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Highway Dildo

A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom.

When suddenly a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and hits the windshield

The little girl asks: *Mommy, what was that?*

The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: *It was just a bug honey.*

The little girl sits quitely for a while, before exclaiming: *It sure had a big dick.*

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Four former U.S. presidents...

Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they're all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I've come for some courage.

No problem! says the Wizard. Who is next?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well…I…I think I need a heart.

Done, says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.

Not a problem! says the Wizard. Consider it done.

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, What do you want?

Ummm, he says quietly, is Dorothy around?

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Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him?

Poetry!

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An Australian walks into a US bar...

...with a crocodile under his arm. The bartender takes one look and says, "Hey! You can't bring that dangerous animal in here!"

"Dangerous? That ridiculous!" the Aussie proclaims. "Watch this!"

He places the croc on a table and grabs a nearby newspaper, rolling it up. He hits the croc over the head. The croc's jaws slowly open. The Australian whips out his dick, lays it over the crocodile's teeth, and hits it on the head again. The croc closes it's mouth ever-so-gently, not breaking his skin.

"Anyone else wanna try it?" the Australian asks.

A blonde woman raises her hand and says, "I will...if you don't hit me with the paper."

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A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop...

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee."

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A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls...

and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies,
"If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.

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A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"

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Why can a 747 never crash?

When it hits the ground it goes 'boeing'

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The Talking Clock

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"

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I bought Prince's greatest hits the other day for Β£20.

But I partied like it was Β£19.99

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A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"

The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."

The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand!"

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.

The man says, "What is that for?"

The golfer replies,
"I consider myself a Gentleman,
and
I believe every Dick should have two balls"

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Little Jimmy in the car.

Little Jimmy is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway.
A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys.
All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.
"What was that mummy" says Jimmy,
"Oh... it was a fly" replies the mother, slightly embarrased,
"Jesus!" says Jimmy, "Did you see the size of the cock on him!"

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A blonde goes to a bar

and orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits the blonde woman's breasts and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her breasts.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.

So, after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hit her breasts, the man jumps up and starts to lick. She decks him!

He is lying on the floor moaning, "Jeez, lady... Why do you let the bartender do it and not me?"

"Helloooo!" says the blonde. "Bert has a licker license.

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A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game.

"But why?" asks his wife.
"Well, it's my eyesight. I can't see where the ball goes after I hit it".
The wife says, "Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect."
He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law. He takes aim and hits a powerful shot that speeds off like a jet. He looks at his brother-in-law and says: "Did you see that Pete?
His brother-in-law says, "Yes, I saw that perfectly.
The golfer says, "Well, where is it then?"
Pete responds, "I don't remember."

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Donald Trump...

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.

-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

-The rest of the world is in shock.

-Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.

-Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.

-Latin American countries are sending clothing.

-New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

-The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

-Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

-President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.

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How has Donald Trump managed to bankrupt so many casinos?

He hits on anything twelve or higher.

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An emo and an apple fall out of a tree. Which one hits the ground first?

The apple, the emo is stopped by the rope.ο»Ώ

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A man and his wife go golfing

A man and his wife go golfing, and on the 8th hole he shanks the ball into a nearby barn. "Darn it," he says, "I'll have to take a penalty on that ball."

"No you don't," his wife says. "If I stand here and hold the barn door open, you should be able to get to the green in two."

So she holds the door open, and he takes his swing. The ball hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly.

A year to the day passes and it finds the golfer back on the same course, this time playing with a co-worker. As luck would have it, he shanks it again and ends up in the same barn.

"Don't worry," says the co-worker, "I can hold the door open and you'll be back on the fairway like that."

"Oh no," the golfer says, "I did the exact same thing a year ago with terrible results."

"What was that?" the co-worker asks.

"I got a 4 over," the golfer says.

EDIT -- corrected punch line.

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Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado...

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado, that hits a state funeral they're all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.


What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I've come for some courage.

No problem! says the Wizard. Who is next?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well…I…I think I need a heart.

Done, says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.

Not a problem! says the Wizard. Consider it done.

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, What do you want?

Ummm, he says quietly, is Dorothy around?

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Talking Clock

After a night at the bar, a guy invites his friend over to see his new apartment. During the tour, his friend sees a large gong against the wall and asks, "What's with the gong?" "It's not a gong, it's a talking clock," says the guy. He picks up the mallet, and hits the gong. His neighbor screams from the other side of the wall, "Shut the fuck up, Its 3:30 in the goddamn morning!"

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What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie?

That's a Moray.

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A mp3 hits your ears a mp4 hits your eyes

An mp5 hits your vital organs.

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A koala is sitting in a tree...

... and smoking a joint when a lizard sees him. "Hey man, what are you doing?" asks the lizard. "Nothing, just smoking some weed!", says the koala. "Can I have some?", asks the lizard. "Sure!" says the koala and lets the lizard have a few hits. They sit on the tree, smoking some weed and shooting the shit when the lizard's mouth starts to get dry. "Hey man, I'm going to drink some water because my mouth is getting dry", says the lizard. He then climbs down and goes down to the river to get a drink. A crocodile sees him drinking and asks him "Hey man, why are your eyes so red?" The lizard says "Oh, I was just smoking some weed!" The crocodile then asks the lizard where he got the weed from and the lizard says "I got it from the koala over in that tree." So while the lizard is drinking water, the crocodile walks over to the tree, looks up and yells "Hey man, can I get some of that weed?". The koala looks down, pauses for a bit and says "HOLLLLLLLLYYYY FUUUUUUUUUUCK DUDE! HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"

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A priest is taking a cab home from church

A priest is taking a cab home from church after a long day of services. It's night and it's raining heavily. Suddenly the taxi hits a pothole. The driver mutters under his breath "Fuck!" Seconds later, they hit another pothole and the driver says "Shit!" The priest has finally had enough,

"Son, don't use these words, they anger our Good Lord. Say for instance, 'Lord help us'"

The cabbie reluctantly agrees. As they drive on, they hit a really big pothole and the entire wheel falls off! The cabbie remembering the priest's words says "Lord help us!" Suddenly, the wheel stops, rolls back, and snaps back on!

"What the fuck?" said the priest.

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NSFW - A woman is out playing golf one day

She swings and her ball goes flying and hits a man, who immediately grabs his crotch and falls to the ground, writhing in agony. The woman runs over and says "I'm a nurse, please let me help you!" and she reaches into his pants and starts massaging his penis. The nurse asks the man "how does that feel?" He responds "that feels great! But my thumb still hurts like hell though!"

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A dildo hits a family car...

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

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So a rich lawyer from New York is duck hunting in Michigan

and he hits a duck and it falls in a nearby farmer's field. He walks into the field to retrieve his his duck. The farmer walks up and says
"You're on my propriety get off!"
The lawyer replies
"Well I shot my duck and it landed in your field if you stop me I'll take your ass to court and sue you for all you got!"
To which the farmer say calmly
"Now, now you city-slicker, in Michigan we have a solution to settle these small disputes."
"Oh really?" says the lawyer
"Yes it's called the Three kick rule, I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and who ever gives up first loses and the winner keeps the duck."
"Well that sounds easy, lets do this!"
The lawyer asks for a moment then turns around and takes couple deep breaths then says
"I'm ready" and turns around. As soon as he turned around the farmer kicked him in the family jewels with his steel toed boots and that brought him down to his knees. The next to kicks are so pain full he nearly gives up the duck. He slowly stands up spits on the ground and says
"Now it's my turn to kick you old man!"
The farmer slowly smiles and says
"Nah, I give up you can have the duck."

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Jesus, Moses & some old guy are playing golf...

Jesus, Moses & some old guy are playing golf.

Jesus hits his ball out into the lake, walks out on the water then chips the ball back on to the green.

Moses wasn't going to be outdone so he hits his ball way the hell out into the middle of the lake; then he parts the water, walks out and then chips his ball back on to the green.

The old guy hits his ball out towards the center of the lake; just as the ball is about to hit the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in it's mouth, just as the fish is about to land back in the water, an eagle swoops down, picks up the fish, flys over to the hole; shakes the fish and the ball falls right in the hole.

Jesus says "Come on dad! stop fucking around and play golf!"

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First day on the job

A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window.

For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.

The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver, but I've been a hearse driver for the last 25 years!"

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Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?

Society

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A farmhand hits a pig with his truck

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off.

About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the wiggling pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

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Guy goes golfing with his wife

An avid golf fan took his wife golfing, and was having the game of his life. They got to the 17th hole, a short par 4, and he hits his drive way left. When he finds his ball, it's behind a large shed that stands directly between the ball and the green.

Dismayed, he decides to lay up and hit a chip shot back into the fairway to go for bogey. Right before he hits, his wife comes up and says, "Wait wait, this shed has big double doors on each side! We can just open up both sides and you can hit your shot right through the shed and up onto the green!"

Encouraged by this idea, he takes the shot. The ball bounces off the front of the shed, hits his wife in the head and tragically kills her.

Years later, this guy plays this same course again, this time with a few of his buddies, and is once again having another once in a lifetime type of game. On the 17th hole, remembering what happened the last time, he nervously tees off and is heartbroken to see his ball follow a nearly identical path as the last time he played. He gets up to the ball and it's almost in the same spot, so he lines up to chip it back into the fairway. His buddy runs up and says, "Wait wait, this shed has big double doors on each side! We can just open up both sides and you can hit your shot right through the shed and up onto the green!"

The guy stares at him and says, "no way. last time I tried that, I triple bogeyed!"

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A tough guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash.

When he has everyone's attention, he grabs the alligator by the mouth, opens it, and let's it chomp down on his crotch. He counts to ten, then hits the gator on the head with a beer bottle and it lets go. When the applause dies down, he offers $1,000 to anyone that can do that . The bar is dead quiet, and finally a little old lady raises her hand. I'll try it...but just don't hit me that hard on the head with the beer bottle .

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[NSFW] A little person hits it off with a blonde at a party.

An exceptionally short, but good looking man was chatting up a tall, leggy blonde at a party.

Woman: This is you're lucky night. I've never been with a midget and want to cross it off my list. Let's go back to my place.

Man: Absolutely, just one thing. I can only have sex with the lights off.

She agrees and they go back to her place. There's just a bit of foreplay before he crawls down her, planting kisses along the way. He gets between her legs and she feels the largest penis she's ever had in her life thrust into her.

Woman: Oh God! That's so huge!

Man: If you like that, wait until I get the other leg in.

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How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

Shoot him before he hits the water.

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A Mom is driving with her 7-year old daughter.

They are following a garbage truck, when a dildo flies out and hits the windshield. The little girl asks, "Mom, what was that?" Mom, being embarrassed, says "Oh honey, it was just a bug." "Wow!", says the little girl, "It sure had a big dick!"

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A Mexican with a raging erection walks into a wall. What part hits the wall first?

The lawnmower.

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James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "

"Do you expect me to talk? "

"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "

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A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?

The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.

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What noise does a plane make when it hits the ground?

Boeing

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A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Kuwait, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.

Latin American countries are sending clothing.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.

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Johnny and Ruth are mountain biking down a hill...

...Ruth hits a tree. Johnny continues, ruthlessly.

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Three boys are bragging about whose dad is the fastest runner...

The first says "My dad is a hunter. He can shoot an arrow, run to where it's gonna land and catch it!"

"That's nothing!" says the second boy "My dad's a police officer. He can shoot a bullet and be at the target before the bullet hits!"

"My dad can run the fastest!" says the third boy. "He's a civil servant. He works till 4 and is always home by 3:30!"

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A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili..

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili... Long The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as l got, too"

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A lawyer, priest, and social worker are on a ship that hits an iceberg...

The captain comes over the intercom: "Everyone please make your way to the lifeboats".
The social worker yells out: "Women & children first!"
The lawyer starts pushing his way towards the boats: "Screw the children!"
The priest responds: "Do we have time?"

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A train hits a bus load of Catholic schoolgirls...

...and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past Saint Peter.
Saint Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St Peter says "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."
He asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She is a little reluctant but replies, lWell I once fondled and stroked one."
St Peter says, "ok, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through."
All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line as one girl is pushing her way to the front.
When she reaches the front of the line Saint Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
Lisa replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it!"

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Jesus, Moses and an Old man are playing golf.

Moses is up first, and after whacking the ball, it falls into a lake. He parts the waters, hits the ball again onto the green.

Then, Jesus has his go, the ball soars at the same lake but this time it floats, so he walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.

Then the old man steps up. He hits towards the lake but before it hits the water, a trout jumps up and grabs the ball. Before it drops back to the lake an eagle swoops down and catches the trout. - flying over the green and squeezing the trout, making it drop the ball into the hole.

At this point Jesus turns around and says: "Dad, stop messing around we're trying to play golf"

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A woman comes into the ER...

A true story!

A woman came into the ER with a fish bone caught in her throat.

An orderly put her into a wheelchair, and wheeled her off toward an examination room. They came to the top of a ramp, the orderly stumbled, and accidentally let go.

The lady accelerates down the ramp, hits the doorjamb at the bottom, and goes sprawling. As a result, she coughed up the fish bone.

The orderly, now worried about getting into trouble, thinks quick, and says "You're really lucky lady, usually we have to do that 2 or 3 times!"

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A big earthquake hits the Middle East...

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East. Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.
Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending Supplies. New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the Infrastructure. Canada is sending medical teams And supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone, Is sending two million replacement Muslims.

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How can you tell what kind of eel you're looking at?

Well, if the moon hits it's eye like a big pizza pie, it's a moray.

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A guy sits down in a CafΓ© and asks for the hot chili.

A guy sits down in a CafΓ© and asks for the hot chili.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

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Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy are playing golf...

Moses steps up first and lands his ball in a water hazard. He then proceeds to part the water where the ball is and lands it in the hole.

Jesus hits his ball and also lands it in the water hazard. So he walk on the water, picks it up, places it on a nearby lily pad and also lands it in the hole.

Now the old bearded guy steps up and just hits the ball with all his strength. The ball goes flying! It then proceeds to hit a nearby rooftop, bounce along the grass and land on a lily pad. A frog appears and eats the golf ball. Then out of nowhere a bird picks up the frog in its talons and flies off. As the bird flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball and it manages to land the ball in the hole...

After witnessing this Moses turns towards Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad."

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A man and a priest are playing golf.

The man hits the ball but it goes wide, landing far away from the hole. "Damnit, missed!" he shouts angrily. The priest turns to him and says, "if you swear like that, one day god will strike you down"!

The mab ignores him and tries for another shot. Once again he misses and once again he shouts "DAMN, MISSED"! At this point the priest is getting pretty annoyed himself. He reminds the man; "seriously, if you keep swearing like that, God will strike you down".

For the third time the man lines up a shot, swings, and misses completely. "DAMN MI....!" he begins before a bolt of lightning flashes down from the sky and hits the priest, killing him instantly! As the man looks around in shock a voice booms from the heavens; "DAMN, MISSED!"

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An emo and a leaf fall from a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

The leaf.

The emo is stopped by the rope.

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At his first baseball game...

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

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So a husband and wife of 12 years goes golfing...

and the man shanks his shot on the 7th hole and it goes behind a barn.

"Damn, now I have to hit around" he said.

His wife says, "No, you can shoot it right through, see?" and she opens the barn door and sure enough there's a perfect line to the green.

He hit the shot, it hits the top of the door, bounces back, hits his wife in the head and kills her.

2 years later the husband is playing a round of golf with his buddies and hits the same shot in the same place.

"Oh crap, now I have to hit around" he says.

His friend says, "No, you can hit it through here see?" he opens the barn doors and the green is right there.

"Oh no, no way I'm doing that again, last time I did that I got a 7 on this hole."

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My dad's favourite joke

Three men are standing at the top of the Empire State Building.

The first man turns to the other two and says: "I bet you $1000 each that you can't throw your watch off the side, and catch it before it hits the ground."

Both men look at each other, look at their cheap watches, think "there's no way he'll be able to do it, but maybe I can make $1000" and agree to the challenge.

The second man steps up, drops his watch off the edge, and goes sprinting to the stairs. He leaps whole floors at a time, sprints out at ground floor and sees a bunch of confused people crowded around his crumpled watch. Sadly he trudges back up to the top.

The third man walks over to the edge, throws his watch high in the air, and goes sprinting to the elevators. He jumps in, races to ground level, sprints out just in time to see his watch shatter into a million pieces. Sadly, he catches the elevator back up to the top.

The first guy walks over to the edge, calmly drops his watch over, then casually strolls over to the elevator. He takes it down a few floors, hops out and orders himself a coffee. He enjoys the beautiful view, then hops back into the elevator, taking it to the ground floor. Without a hint of hurry, he saunters out the front, looks up, and catches his watch. He grabs another coffee on his way back up.

"How in holy hell did you manage to do that?!" the other two men ask.

"Easy" says the first man "My watch is ten minutes slow."

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There should be two...

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"

The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."

The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand!"

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.

The man says, "What is that for?"

The golfer replies,
"I consider myself a Gentleman,
and
I believe every Dick should have two balls"

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Dangerous trick

Circus. The most popular and dangerous trick, guy put his penis in crocodile's mouth, croc shuts his mouth, the guy hits croc on the head, croc opens up his mouth and guy takes his penis unharmed, everybody applaud!

Than guy asks the audience:
if you can do it, I'll pay anybody $1000!!!!

Girl stands up and says:
"I'll do it, just don't hit me on the head!!!!"

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Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing a friendly game of golf...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing a friendly game of golf.

First Moses goes. He licks his finger to check the wind. He does some simple trigonometry and then hits the golf ball. The golf ball lands in the middle of the lake. He grumbles and growls and sticks his club into the ground to part the seas. He walks into the middle of the now waterless lake and hits it onto the green. He sinks the ball with a birdie.

Next goes Jesus. Jesus puts his hands in prayer and then sets up to hit the ball. He makes contact and hits it onto the green. He puts it in for an eagle.

The old man grumbles and growls. He approaches the tee with his club in his off-hand. He takes a mighty swing and smacks the ball. The ball flies and lands on a lily-pad. It is then picked up by a frog. The frog in turn finds itself in the clutches of a falcon. The frog drops the ball and it bounces in for a hole-in-one.

At this point Moses leans towards Jesus and whisper, "I really hate playing with your old man."

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A fish swimming in a river hits into a wall and yells

Dam.

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After a bad day on the course, a golfer goes to an old golf pro for some advice...

The old golf pro watches a few swings and the golfer says, "Well, what should I do?"

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The golfer went back out to the links. He took the old man's advice on his first swing and POW, he hits the ball 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the afternoon, the golfer is crushing tee drives right down the center.

The ecstatic man goes back home and tells his wife all about the new technique he learned. Now the wife, being an avid golfer, want's to talk to the old golf pro, as well.

The next day, the wife also asks the old golf pro for advice. The old golf pro watched her swing and says, "No, no, no. You're gripping the club way too hard".

"What should I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood", said the old pro.

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and THUMP... The ball skipped off of the tee box and rolled about 15 feet down the fairway.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected!" the old pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."

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A man walks into a restaurant...

and sits down at the bar. He orders a bowl of chili, but the waiter tells him the man next to him got the last bowl. He looks over and sees that the other guy has a full bowl of chili and is just staring at it.
He says, "If you're not going to eat that, can I have it?"
The other guy tells him to go ahead, so he takes the chili and starts eating it. About halfway finished with it, his fork hits something hard in the chili. He sees it's a dead rat and throws up in the bowl.
The guy next to him says, "That's as far as I got too."

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A theologian, a physicist and a mathematician

A theologian, a mathematician and a physicist are standing on top of a burning five-story building. The only way to escape would be to jump into the pool at the back of the house. The theologian shouts: "God will save me", jumps, and hits the ground two meters beside the pool. He is instantly dead. The physicist kneels on the roof, draws some figures and numbers into the dust, jumps and lands exactly in the middle of the pool. The mathematician speaks to himself: "I can do that too", fumbles his notepad out of his pocket, does some calculations, jumps and flies up into the sky. What happened?

Sign error.

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A bear walks into a bar

"Sorry we don't serve bears in here" the barman says

"But I'm a big brown bear"

"Sorry we don't serve big brown bears"

Bear is angry and hits the bar with his claw "give me a beer now!"

"Sorry we don't serve bar bashing big brown bears!"

The bear picks up a barstool and smashes it against the ground "I want a beer!"

"Sorry we don't serve barstool breaking bar bashing big brown bears here"

The bear is getting angry and takes a bite from the counter "Give me a beer!"

"Sorry we dont serve drug addicts here either"

The bear is confused "I've never touched a drug in my life!!"

"What about that barbiturate"

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the golf course frog

A golfer playing a round by himself hits his ball near a pond. As he approaches the ball he notices a small frog right next to the spot where his ball landed. Not wanting to hit the frog, he bends down and moves the frog onto a rock nearby. As he sets up his 8 iron shot, he hears the frog croak 'ribbit 9 iron'. Strange, he thought but what the heck. He pulls out his 9 iron and hits a perfect shot onto the green, 2 feet from the pin. With a smile he turns to the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. The frog hops onto his cart and proceeds to tell him the exact perfect club for each shot that day and the man ends up shooting the round of his life.

Following the round of golf, beer in hand, the man smiled at the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. With something near a smile (or as close as an amphibian can get), the frog said 'ribbit Vegas'.

On a whim, the man buys a plane ticket and flies with the small frog, in his carry on to las Vegas. Sitting on the mans shoulder, the frog proceeded to tell him which roulette numbers to play to the point where the man was up tens of thousands of dollars. The winning streak continued all night and caught the attention of the pit boss, who comped the man a room in their finest suite.

Sitting in the suites hit tub and enjoying a $500 bottle of fine cognac, the man turned to the frog and said 'I don't know how to thank you. You gave me the greatest golf round I've ever played and now more money than I can earn in 3 years. Is there anything I can do for you?' The frog looked the man in the eyes and said 'Ribbit, kiss me'. After a wince, the man thinks what the heck and picks the frog up and gives it a kiss. Like magic, the frog suddenly turned into a beautiful, blond, naked...14 year old girl.

...and I swear, your honor, that's exactly how she ended up in my room!

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Smiting

A construction worker was hammering in a nail, and hit his hand as a priest walks by. "Goddammit, I missed," he says. The priest tells him to not take the Lords name in vain.
The next day he walks by the same construction worker again, and this time the construction worker hits his other hand. "Goddammit, I missed," he says once again. The priest tells him he has one more strike before God punishes him.
The third day, the construction worker hits his beer, resting next to him. As the bottle breaks, he says "Goddammit I missed." The priest is walking by as a lightning bolt hits the priest, disintegrating him. A voice booms from the heavens, "GODDAMMIT I MISSED."

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An American, A Canadian and a Boy scout are on a plane.

The plane hits turbulence and is about to crash.

the pilot comes out and says "The plane is going down. Everyone for himself!" grabs one of the remaining 3 parachutes and jumps out.

The American says. "We're number 1 so i get to live" hastily grabs 1 of the 2 remaining chutes and jumps out.

The Canadian looks at the boyscout and says "Im sorry things have to end this way... who gets the last parachute?"

The boyscout replies

"oh dont worry, the American grabbed my backpack"

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Licenced To Lick

A blonde orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.

So, after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him!

He is lying on the floor moaning, "Jeez, lady... Why do you let the bartender do it and not me?"

"Helloooo!" says the blonde. "Bert has a licker license!"

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2 Drunks

2 drunks sitting in a bar on the 35th floor of an inner city building. Drunk 1 says 'i tell ya, there's a draft that goes around this building, jump out this window and you get sucked in the 5th floor window.' Drunk 2 says 'bullshit'.

Drunk 1 says, 'watch me.' leaps out the window, falls, falls, falls and at the fifth floor gets sucked in the window. A few moments later he walks out of the elevator, 'see?'

Drunk 2 still doesn't believe his eyes, so Drunk 1 jumps out the window again, same thing happens. Walks out of the elevator and says 'see?'

So Drunk 2 goes for it. Out the window, falls, falls, falls, hits the pavement, dies.

The bartender looks over and says, 'you can be a real prick when you're drunk Superman.

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When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie....

That's a moray

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Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East?

Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero

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Three blondes are walking in the forest...

..when they come to a set of tracks. The first one decides she is gonna try her best to look smart in front of the other two and claims that based by the look of the tracks they belong to a badger. The second trying not to be outdone claims that the first had it all wrong and they were definitely raccoon tracks. The third blonde then decides to argue her case and claims the tracks belong to a beaver. The three are still arguing 10 minutes later when the train hits them.

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[Dark Humor] A leaf and an emo falls off a tree. Who hits the ground first?

A leaf, because rope stops emo.

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What sound does a fratboy make when he hits the water?

DOUCHE

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Three people having sex...

is called a threesome, four people a foursome. Now it hits me why everyone keeps calling me "handsome"...

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Guy is drunk at the local bar...

This Guy is really drunk at the bar, starting to spin and feeling pretty unwell. He decides, enough is enough I am going home. He goes to stand up, and bang falls straight on the floor. "Oh, I am so drunk he says, I will try again". He gets up on the seat takes a deep breath and goes to stand again. Bang, hits the ground with a thud.

"Ok, I need some air" he says so he crawls out the front door and gets some fresh air.

He decides to try and stand and once again falls over. Tired, drunk and not able to stand, he decides to crawl home.

The next morning there is a big bang on his door, the wife kicks open the door and yells "You been at the bloody pub again!!", "No, what are you talking about" he answers.

"The pub called" she yells, "You left your wheelchair there again!"

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A man comes home after a long day, his wife then hits him in the back of the head with a frying pan

He clutches his head in pain asking her, Honey why? Why did you do that? She answers, When I was doing your laundry I found a receipt in your pocket with a woman's name on it. He responds, That's why you hit me? Honey Mary-Ann is a horse I bet on, that's the receipt for my bet. She accepts that and apologizes and they make up.

Next week the same thing happens, he comes home and is struck in the back of his head with a frying pan, the husband asks, AGAIN? You hit me in the head with a frying pan again, why?!

The wife looks at him and says, Your horse called.

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A husband and a wife are having an argument while driving... NSFW

... Out of rage, the wife chops off her husbands penis and throws it out the window. It hits a car travelling in the opposite direction. Meanwhile in the other car, a father and his young daughter were driving. Suddenly BOOM a penis smacks their windshield and it flies off.

The daughter asks, "Daddy, what was that?"

"Err, it was a bug sweetie."

"That bug had a pretty big dick didn't it?"

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What do you call it when a Chinese ghost hits you with a stick?

Bam! *Boo*!

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Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender

As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.

He asks the bartender, *"What's with the gorilla?"*

The bartender says, *"Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"*

*"Sure"*

So the bartender whistles and Mable comes lumbering down the length of the bar.

The bartender pulls out a heavy steel pipe and hits the gorilla in the side of its head. The gorilla drops to its knees and starts giving the bartender a blow job.

*"Wow!"*, says the guy.

The bartender says, *"Pretty amazing, huh? You want to try?"*

The guys says, *"Yeah, sure! Just don't hit me so hard."*

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A golfer hits a ball off the fairway...

On the seventh hole, a golfer hits a ball off the fairway and it lands in a big field of flowers. He figures it's a playable lie, so he's winding up for a shot and he hears a voice behind him say, "Please don't hurt my buttercups."

The golfer turns around and he sees a woman in a flowing robe. "Who are you?", he says.

"I'm Mother Nature" she replied. "And if you don't hurt my buttercups, I'll give you all of the butter you want for the rest of your life."

The golfer thinks about this and says, "Sure, OK - but where were you on the 5th hole when I hit a shot into the pussy willows?"

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worst day

A small man sits in a bar with his beer when another, larger man comes into the bar walks up to the small one, hits him on the shoulder grabs his beer and drinks it in one shot. The small one then starts crying horrible. The other man starts to feel sorry for him and says: "Hey man, it's just a beer, i'll get you another" The small man continues crying and replies:

"Just a beer? Then listen to what happened to me today. I got fired, my wife left me, got thrown out of my house, my bank account got closed. I decided to take my life. I want to cut my wrists, knife blunt. I lay on the railway, dead track. I want to hang myself, rope tears. Now I buy some beer with the little money I have left, pour poison in it, and you drink it!"

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Bob walks into a bar in New York City...

...and sits down to order a drink. He notices everyone gathered around the window with view of the skyline. Bob gets up to see and notices the man at the top of the Empire State Building, about to jump. They all wait in anticipation for him to jump and he does. Right before he hits the ground he puts his feet together and the vent from the street pushes him back into the air and he lands safely. He then walks into the same bar. The men look at him in pure astonishment then Bob approaches him and says, "How the hell did you do that?!? You're perfectly fine!" the man then replies, "Right at the last second I put my feet together and the air vent at the bottom pushes me into air and lets me land safely. Try it." The man, so amazed, goes to the top of the building. Every man in the bar is watching including the bar tender. The man jumps and at the last second does what the man told him and hits the ground and is splattered on impact. Everyone in the bar is silent with disgust. The bartender then breaks the silences with, "You know, you're a real scumbag when you're drunk, Superman"

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An archeologist is riding through the desert

[Another great joke from German comedian Otto Waalkes]

An archeologist is riding through the desert on his loyal horse Wallah, when he hears a voice.

*get off*

...

*get off*

He gets off his horse and looks around. He doesn't see anyone.

Then he hears it again.

*dig*

"Dig?!"

*yeeees...*

He grabs his shovel and starts digging. After a few minutes of shoveling sand and dirt, he hits something hard.

Half an hour of digging and he is finally able to lift the heavy object from where it was buried. It's an old chest, full of gold.

He is overwhelmed by happiness.

*Vegas*

"To Las Vegas?!"

*yeeees...*

He fills his bags with the gold and packs his horse, then rides to Las Vegas.

He doesn't hear the voice until he arrives there.

*casino.*

"To a casino?!"

*yeeees...*

He enters a casino and approaches a roulette table. The air is full of cigarette smoke. He's nervous. The voice says:

*14*

He places a bet on the 14 with everything he owns:

His horse, all his money and his new treasure. The 12 wins. The voice says: *fuck*

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My mother called me a son of a bitch

One time my mother called me a son of a bitch, so I hit her because no one talks trash about my mother, then I hit myself because no one hits my mother, she then hit me because no one hits her son and then hit herself because no one hits me, so I hit her because no one hits my mother.

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Jesus, Moses, and an Old Man Are Golfing...

Moses steps up to the tee, squares up and hits the ball right into the water hazard. He walks up to the water, raises his club, and parts the water. He then hits it in for two.

Jesus lines up his shot and hits it right into the water. He walks across the water and hits it in for two.

The old man takes his turn and whacks it hard. Right before the ball hits the water, a fish jumps out and bites the ball. Before the fish gets back in the water, a majestic eagle swoops down and grabs the fish, flying high into the sky where a lightning bolt zaps down from a cloud making the eagle drop the fish. That fish hits the ground and the ball rolls from his mouth right into the hole. PLOP.

Jesus whips around angrily shaking his finger. "Dammit, Dad! If you don't quit screwing around you can't play with us anymore!"

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What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne?

Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he hits puberty.

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What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hits were The Wall.

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A grave digger...

A grave digger hears a story about how Mozart had an unfinished song folded up in his coat pocket when he was buried.


The grave digger goes to the cemetery where Mozart was buried, and starts digging at the composer's grave.


The grave digger hits the coffin.


The grave digger opens the coffin, and sees Mozart holding the unfinished piece, and erasing each note on at a time.


The grave digger yells, "What are you doing?!"


Mozart responds with, "Decomposing."

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What's the difference between Chris Brown and a radio station?

Radio stations only have 90 minutes of nonstop hits.

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An emo and a leaf were sitting at the top of a tree...

they both fall off at the same time? Which one hits the ground first?
The leaf.
The emo got caught by the rope.

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A young couple is out carousing one evening...(could be repost)

While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up.

When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover yourself with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road.

When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

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A fish is swimming and it hits a concrete wall. What does it say

Dam.

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What does a fish say when it hits a concrete wall?

Dam.

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A bus full of nuns.......

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. He asks the first nun, ''Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?'' The nun giggles and slyly replies, ''Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'' St. Peter says, ''OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.'' St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, ''Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?'' The nun is a little reluctant but replies ''Well once I fondled and stroked one.'' St. Peter says ''OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.'' All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says ''Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?! ''The nun replies, ''If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

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A boy stands in his yard with a baseball and bat...

He proudly proclaims "I'm the greatest batter in the world!" He proceeds to toss the ball in the air swings with all his might. He misses and falls to the ground. "Strike one". He tosses the ball again, keeping his eye on it and swings. The ball hits the found with a thud, "strike two". He tosses the ball once again and takes a home run swing, but the ball lands in the grass at his toes, "strike 3". He runs around the yard cheering with hands in the air, "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

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A pig that can speak French

A circus advertises a new act: a pig that can speak French. A trainer walks onto the stage carrying a small pig with a blue ribbon and a wooden mallet. The trainer asks, "Parlez-vous français?" and hits the pig with the mallet. The pig: "Ouiiii..."

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A man sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

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Benefits of hairspray, who knew?

A young guy was driving down the road. He had been fired earlier that day, and his girlfriend had broken up with him just the day prior. While thinking of his predicament the young driver doesn't see the young rabbit in the road, and sadly hits the poor animal.

The young driver pulls over rushes to check on the animal. When the young guy finds the poor dead thing on the side of the road he finally breaks down, and starts to bawl.

A female driver sees this scene, and pulls over to help this hysterical man. She approaches and asks if she can help, but the only thing the man can do is just cry. The woman stops, thinks, and then goes back to her car.

She comes back with a can, and sprays the dead rabbit. Suddenly the rabbit springs to life! It hops away about ten feet then turns and waves. The rabbit keeps on doing this. Hopping about ten feet, then it would turn, and wave.

The male driver can't believe it. He looks over and reads the can. HAIRSPRAY: Revitalize dead hair and add wave!

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A Jewish Girl And A Greek Boy Fall In Love

When the Jewish girl tells her father that she has fallen in love with a Greek boy and wants to marry him, he hits the ceiling. He forbids it, on pain of disownment. The girl goes ahead and marries the boy, anyway. The old man does not even go to the wedding and stops talking to her altogether.

A year goes by and she sends him a telegram. "Oh, daddy, I really need to see you and talk to you". Well, by this time his heart has softened and he misses her too and he wires back, "Ok".

She sends a private plane for him which flies him to Athens. A private helicopter takes him to a hundred-foot yacht at Piraeus. The yacht takes him to an Aegean island. When he lands he sees a big beautiful palace, of marble, with landscaping and statuary, and dozens of servants all over the place.

His daughter, dressed in the height of fashion and dripping with expensive jewelry, runs out and hugs him. He hugs her back and says, "My baby, I'm so glad you sent for me. I see now that you were right and I was wrong".

She says, "No, daddy, you were right. I want you to take me away from here and back home with you".

He asks, "But why?"

She says, "Because when I got married my asshole was the size of a dime and now it's the size of a silver dollar".

And he says, "You're going to give up all this for ninety cents?"

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What do you call it when an ambulance hits a person?

Job security

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Men Will Be Men

Before the King goes to war, he locks his wife (the beautiful Queen ),
in the room & gives the key to his best friend & says : If I am not back within 4 days , open the room and she is yours....
He sits on his horse & hits the road. Half an hour later he notices a dust cloud & sound behind him. He stops & sees his friend riding very fast towards him.
"What's wrong ?" King asks.
.
.
.
.
Out of breath, his friend answers, "It is the wrong Key...!! "

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A priest and a nun are golfing...

The priest misses a putt and yells " dammit I missed!" The nun tells him not to swear because God won't approve of it. On the next hole the priest hits a bad shot and yells once again " dammit I missed" and the nun tells him," don't swear anymore or the sky will open up and God will strike you down" . On the next hole the priest once again messes up and once again yells "dammit I missed!" At that point the sky opened up and the nun gets struck by lighting. The priest looks up with astonishment and from the sky he hears " dammit I missed!"

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What sound does a plane make when it hits a trampoline?

Boeing

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worst day

A small man sits in a bar with his beer. Suddenly another, larger man comes into the bar walks up to the small one hits him on the shoulder grabs his beer and drinks it in one shot. The small one then starts to cry horrible. The other man who feels sorry for him now says: "Hey man, it's just a beer, i'll get you another"
The small man continues crying and replies: "Just a beer? Then listen what happened to me today.
I got fired, my wife left me, got thrown out of my house, my bank account got closed. I decided to take my life.
I want to cut my wrists, knife blunt.
I lay on the railway, dead track.
I want to hang myself, rope tears.
Now I buy beer with my last money left pour poison into it, and you take it away and drink it"

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A Russian joke

King Lion orders every animal to bring him some meat. The king hits the head of everyone who doesn't bring any meat three times with his dick. Rabbit fails to hunt, so he brings a few cabbages. Lion hits him for the first time and Rabbit starts smiling, the king decides to hit him harder. After the second time Rabbit starts giggling, so Lion decides to hit him as hard as possible. After the third hit Rabbit bursts out laughing. Lion asks him:

"Why the hell are you laughing?"

"I've just reminded myself that Hedgehog is bringing a sack of apples."

____________________________________________________
As my English sucks, feel free to suggest edits.

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After a particularly brutal battle with his fellow Avengers, Thor decides to relax at a local watering hole....

He drinks and drinks, barrels of beer and mead. After some time, he hits it off with a cute local girl and takes her back to Avengers Tower to show her his little Mjolnir.

He wakes in the morning, satisfied, and looks at the girl sleeping next to him. The poor thing is battered, with a busted lip and bruises all over her face and body. He gently shakes her awake and asks, "Are you okay?"

"Oh my god," she says groggily. "Hon, you were great, but a little rough.'

"Well, I *am* Thor!" says the God of Thunder.

***"YOU'RE*** Thor!" exclaims the girl, "I'm tho Thor i can barely thpeak!"

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Met this girl in a nightclub

She's absolutely stunning and all over me. Couldn't believe my luck. Things are going great and she invites me back to hers. Damn straight.

On the way back to her flat though, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. But I put it out of my head. We get in, things progress quickly and I'm in her bedroom sucking her dick when suddenly it hits me like a tonne of bricks.

I'd left my damn wallet in the club.

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A man moves to Alaska......

A man moves to a small town in a remote part of Alaska, far removed from civilization. One of the first nights he's in town, he hits up the town bar, and the locals tell him to make sure he sticks around, as there'll be plenty of women around at midnight, and the guy's sure to get laid.

Midnight strikes, and all of the men leave the bar and cross the street to this field where there are a bunch of moose, and each of the locals starts fucking a moose. The man is repulsed by what he sees, heads back to his new house, and swears that he'll never stoop to anything so low.

Six months later, and the man is starting to lose it. He hasn't been laid in six months, and it's taking a toll on his sanity. Reluctantly, he decides he's going to do it - he's going to fuck a moose. So he heads down to the town bar as soon as it opens, and starts pounding drinks to make the whole ordeal easier.

Midnight strikes, and the man runs out the door, across the street, and starts going to town on a moose, fucking it harder than he's ever fucked any woman before in his life. The other men from the bar follow across the street, stop, and stare at the first man.

Frustrated, the man says, "What? What am I doing wrong?" One of the men pipes up and says, "Nothing, but that's a fucking ugly moose."

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An old married couple are sitting at the table

The wife suddenly rolls up a newspaper, walks over and smacks him in the head with it.

"Ow!" the old man exclaims, "What was that for?!?!" he asks.

The wife says "For 50 years of bad sex."

A few minutes later, the husband rolls up a newspaper, walks over, and hits her in the head with it.

The wife yells back "And what was that for?!?!"

The husband says "For knowing the difference."

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A man walks into a hotel...

A man walks into a hotel and heads for the elevator. He starts scratching his head, and out of nowhere a woman walks around the corner and his elbow hits her right in the boob. He says "I'm so sorry ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your boob I would hope you could forgive me." She looks at him and says, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 119."

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Golfer hits his wife

A cop was investigating a domestic violence call where a woman said that her husband beat her with a golf club. The cop held up a bloody club and asked the husband, "How many times did you hit her?"

The husband replied, "Seven or eight, but put me down for a four."

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An exhausted man is driving through some back roads at night...

... and, falling asleep at the wheel, accidentally hits two black men. They are instantly killed. Just then, a cop car comes out of nowhere signaling him to pull over. "Oh shit," he thinks. "It'll only get worse if I try to run!" He clenches his jaw, takes a deep breath, and pulls over. As soon as the cop steps out he starts stammering out of his window yelling, "Sir, I swear I didn't see them, I don't want to go to jail! They came out of nowhere!"

The cop says nothing, examining the situation. He sees one victim crashed through the passenger side windshield. He sees the other strewn across the side of the car with his blood and guts spilling out.

The cop takes a moment then says, "Don't worry, son. We'll get this one for breaking and entering and the other one for vandalism."

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Clinton on the Titanic

Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.

The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.

Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.

Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."

Nixon goes: "Screw the women!"

Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time!?"

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A Priest, a Monk, and a Rabbi on a cruise ship. (NSFW)

A Priest, a Monk, and a Rabbi are on a cruise ship.

While the ship is out to sea, it hits an iceberg and begins to sink.

Going down like the Titanic, the Rabbi asks the Monk and Priest: "What should we do? Should we save the children?"

The Monk says "Fuck the children!"

The Priest asks "Do you think we'll have time?"

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A truck hits a woman, who's at fault?

The truck driver, what the hell was the truck doing in the kitchen?.

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A guy driving down the road hits a prostitute with his car

He immediately stops the car, jumps out and runs to the lady lying on her back on the road.

She is groaning in pain. She mumbles, "I think I'm blind, I think I'm blind..."

Quickly the guy holds three of his fingers up in front of her and says, "How many fingers do I have up?"

"Oh my God," she says. "I'm not paralyzed too, am I?!?"

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A white man sits down at the bar...

He overheard a blonde and redhead talking.
The blonde says to the redhead, "What kind of guys do you have the best sex with?" The redhead says "Native Americans. Their penises aren't the longest, but they're so wide and just hits all the right spots."
The man smiles and orders them a couple of drinks.
Then the redhead says to the blonde, what about you?" The blonde says, "Mexicans. Their penises aren't that wide but they're long and can hit the deep spots just right."
The man orders them another round of drinks.
They blonde says, "Hey mister! Thanks for the drinks! By the way, what's your name?"
He smiles and says, "Tonto Rodriguez."

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A guy sits down at a diner and asks for a hot bowl of chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

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Too guys trying to escape a prison

Last fence they have to jump has bells on it. First guy jumps, touches the wires and the bells ring.
They guard says:- Who goes there?
The guy makes a noise:-Meow!
Guard says: -oh, its just a cat.
Second guy jumps, hits the wires, bells ring.
Guard says: -Who goes there?
Second guy:-Just another cat.

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What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne?

Acne doesn't come on a person's face until he hits 13.

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A husband and wife are playing a round of golf..

On the 18th hole the husband slices his ball to the right and lands in front of a barn. The husband asks his wife to open up the barn door so he could hit it through the barn and onto the green. The husband then shanks his shot, which hits his wife in the head and immeidately kills her.

5 years later the man is approached by his buddies who want him to get back into golf. The man hesitantly agrees. They end up playing the same course as the incident and the man hits his drive to the same spot on the 18th hole. One of his buddies says "I can go up there and open up the barn door, so you can hit it through onto the green". The man slowly and emotionally replies "I can't, I just can't. Last time I tried to hit that shot..... I got a triple bogey"

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A taxi driver picks up a woman from the airport who sits in the back as a passenger

The woman wanted to ask a question so she leans forward and taps the driver's shoulder to get his attention.

The driver gets startled so bad that he loses control of the cab, nearly hits a bus, swerves to barely dodge a light pole and finally halts near a glass bus stand.

The woman and driver both horrified stay paused for a few seconds then regain their mentality. The woman quietly says Oh my god, I'm so sorry I didn't think you would be startled like that , the driver looks back and says it's okay, I'm actually the one who is sorry, today is my first day driving a cab. For the past 25 years I've been driving a hearse

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Large tsunami hits Mexico - 300k were killed...

...Canada sends money, Brazilia sends food, USA sends 300k mexicans.

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So, Steve is out playing golf with his three buddies on a beautiful Sunday afternoon...

On the 18th green, Steve is about to make his final put before they all go in and have some beers. Just before he hits the ball, however, the golfers see a funeral procession in the cemetery across the street. Steve stops what he's doing and takes his hat off, waiting for the procession to pass. His buddies, thoroughly impressed, say, "Steve, that was really cool, man. You showed a lot of respect, just now."

To which Steve says, "Well, I should. We were married for 30 years, after all."

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The bell ringer at a church dies...

So they put out an ad for a new ringer, and on the first day a guy shows up for the job. He climbs the bell tower, and rather unexpectedly, he runs and jumps and hits the bell with his face. He continues to ring the bell this way for the rest of the time. The priest thinks it's weird but whatever, he lets him do his job. Within a couple of days, though, the man runs and jumps and misses the bell, falling to his death in front of the church. As the crowd gathers, someone asks "Who is that man?"

Someone else replies "I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell."

The next day the man's identical twin shows up to replace him as the bell ringer, and the priest hires him. He climbs to the top, runs, jumps, and misses the bell, falling to his death. Once again, the crowd gathers, and someone asks "Now, who was THAT guy?"

Someone else says "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

I was told this joke years ago, and I probably butchered it. The punchline still works, though.

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Sandeep, the Indian wife beater, hits his wife every night at 7PM.

On the dot.

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A priest was driving in a bus.

A priest is riding in the bus when it hits a bump in the road.

"For f*ck sake!" Exclaims the driver.

The bus hits a second bump.

"Motherf*cker !!!" The driver gets furious.

"You shouldn't swear." Says the priest. "Try and say "Lord help us" instead."

The bus drives in a yet another bump, the tire goes flat.

Exhausted, the driver decides to listen to the priest's advice.

"Lord help us" - Says the driver, and to his amazement, the tire inflates.

"No f*cking way!" Exclaims the priest.

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Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf.

Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the water trap but still lands in the water. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it lands in the water a fish jumps out of the water and catches the ball in his mouth, then an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws, then the eagle flies over the green and is hit by a sudden bolt lightning and the eagle drops the fish.
When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of his mouth and rolls in for a hole in one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around we won't bring you next time!"

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A guy walks into a bar...

with an alligator under one arm and a club under the other. He slams the alligator down on a table, opens it's mouth, shoves in his dick and hits the alligator over the head with the club. He then exclaims, " Any of you fuckers think you're man enough to do that"? Gay guy in the corner stands up and says, " I'll try it if you don't hit me with the stick"!

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A gambler hits the jackpot

*What are we going to spend 10 million dollars on?* - asks his wife.

"31 black"

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Another golf joke

A guy who is a fanatical golfer has finally dragged his wife out to play, and the guy hits his ball behind a small pump house. He says, "I'll just take a stroke and drop it over here to the side." But his wife says, "No honey, look, the pump house has two doors. If I open them both you can hit right through it." So she opens the doors and he swings but the ball bounces off the door frame and hits his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.

Several years later he's remarried to another woman who loves golf and they're playing the same course, when his ball lands right behind the same pump house. Again he says, "I'm just gonna drop my ball over here and take a stroke." But his new wife says, "No honey, look, the pump house has two doors. If I open both of them you can hit straight through." He says, "Ohhhhh no. I'm not doing that! I tried that a few years ago and you know what happened? I got a 10 on that hole!"

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A man is driving down the road with his wife and daughter.

They end up driving behind a garbage truck. A dildo falls out of the truck and hits the windshield. The mom is embarrassed and wants to preserve her daughter's innocence, so she turns around and says, "Don't worry, that was just an insect."

The daughter says, "I'm surprised it could even get off the ground with a cock that big!"

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How to milk a cow

"I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend.

"That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters.

"Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."

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An old married couple are sitting on their porch one morning...

...when suddenly the old lady lashes out with her cane and hits her husband on the knee.

"Ow! What'd ya do that for?" He asked.

"That's for 60 years of bad sex!"

He stewed in silence a few moments, rubbing his knee. All of a sudden he took his cane and thumped his wife on her knee.

"Ow! What's that for?"

"That's for knowing the difference."

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My mum once called me a son of a bitch

I hit her because nobody talks trash about my mother. NOBODY.

I then hit myself because nobody hits my mother.

She then hit me because nobody hits her son.

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Princess Diana and Pink Floyd has a lot in common

Both their greatest hits was the wall

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A woman is donating some blood to make a little extra money . . .

She heads to the hospital and gets on the elevator with a man about her age. They say hello and she tells him she is heading to the 4th floor and asks if he would push the button for her. He clicks the button and also hits the 6th floor button for himself. A few weeks later the woman returns to the hospital to donate and again runs into the same man. As they enter the elevator he clicks the 4th and 6th floor buttons and asks her why she is at the hospital again. She tells him that she makes $50 by donating blood and asks why he has returned to the hospital. He tells her he makes $100 donating sperm. The following month they once again end up on the same elevator and as they enter the man asks the woman, "4th floor?". She shakes her head and says with a full mouth, "No m goin to da shixth floor"

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What do you call a shuriken that never hits the right target?

An unsure-iken

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The clock hits 9:11 twice everyday

One for each tower

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Road trip.

A father is driving down the road with his 8 year old daughter in the passenger seat. As they are driving, a dump truck in front of them hits a bump and a giant black dildo flies out of the back of the truck and bounces off their windshield. The dad is shocked but attempts to not say anything regarding the dildo with his 8 year old daughter so close. The daughter, shocked as well, asks, "Daddy, what was that?!"

"Looks like we hit a bug", the father exclaims quickly.

After thinking for a second the daughter then turns to her dad and says, "Sure had a big dick!"

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If a muslim hits his wife...

Is it considered domestic violence or child abuse?

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A man buys a new BMW...

He decides to take it on the highway to see how fast it can go. Once he hits 100, he sees the red and blue lights of the cop car light up. He thinks to himself, maybe I can outrun the cop. So he continues to floor it. He makes it to 140, and the cop is still right behind him. So reluctantly he pulls over. The cop comes up and says to the man. Son, I'm at the end of my shift and you just racked up a ton of charges and paperwork for me. I'll tell you what, if you can give me the best story as to why you were speeding, I will let you go. The man sat there and thought for a minute and said. Well, 3 years ago my wife left me for a state trooper, and I was scared that y'all were bringing her back.

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Three men playing golf

There were three men playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old man. They get to the 18th hole and Moses gets to tee-off first; he hits his ball into the water. Next up is Jesus, and he does the same as Moses, hits it right into the water. Next up is the old man and he hits it right into the water with Moses and Jesus.

All three approach the edge of the pond. Moses walks up a little closer, throws his arms high into the air and the water of the pond begins to part down the middle. He walks down to his ball, hits it out of the pond and into the hole.

Next up, Jesus. He walks out onto the water and his ball floats up to the surface, so he hits his ball off of the water into the hole. The old man decides he will try something cool so he walks into the water and hits his ball, which flies out of the water, hits a bird, bounces off a tree, then gets deflected off the pin and hits a rabbit then bounces into the hole.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate it when your father plays!"

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If Korean pop is K-Pop and Chinese rap is crap...

does that mean Swedish hits are shits?

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What are the best Hits puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Hits? Well, here are the best jokes about Hits to have fun with.

Joko Jokes