hits Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious hits stories

What are the best Hits puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Hits? Well here is a complete list of Hits dad jokes:

A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"

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A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"

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The Talking Clock

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"

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Little Jimmy in the car.

Little Jimmy is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway.
A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys.
All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.
"What was that mummy" says Jimmy,
"Oh... it was a fly" replies the mother, slightly embarrased,
"Jesus!" says Jimmy, "Did you see the size of the cock on him!"

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A man and his wife go golfing

A man and his wife go golfing, and on the 8th hole he shanks the ball into a nearby barn. "Darn it," he says, "I'll have to take a penalty on that ball."

"No you don't," his wife says. "If I stand here and hold the barn door open, you should be able to get to the green in two."

So she holds the door open, and he takes his swing. The ball hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly.

A year to the day passes and it finds the golfer back on the same course, this time playing with a co-worker. As luck would have it, he shanks it again and ends up in the same barn.

"Don't worry," says the co-worker, "I can hold the door open and you'll be back on the fairway like that."

"Oh no," the golfer says, "I did the exact same thing a year ago with terrible results."

"What was that?" the co-worker asks.

"I got a 4 over," the golfer says.

EDIT -- corrected punch line.

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Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado...

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado, that hits a state funeral they're all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.


What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I've come for some courage.

No problem! says the Wizard. Who is next?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well…I…I think I need a heart.

Done, says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.

Not a problem! says the Wizard. Consider it done.

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, What do you want?

Ummm, he says quietly, is Dorothy around?

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Talking Clock

After a night at the bar, a guy invites his friend over to see his new apartment. During the tour, his friend sees a large gong against the wall and asks, "What's with the gong?" "It's not a gong, it's a talking clock," says the guy. He picks up the mallet, and hits the gong. His neighbor screams from the other side of the wall, "Shut the fuck up, Its 3:30 in the goddamn morning!"

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A dildo hits a family car...

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

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A Mexican with a raging erection walks into a wall. What part hits the wall first?

The lawnmower.

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Johnny and Ruth are mountain biking down a hill...

...Ruth hits a tree. Johnny continues, ruthlessly.

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Three boys are bragging about whose dad is the fastest runner...

The first says "My dad is a hunter. He can shoot an arrow, run to where it's gonna land and catch it!"

"That's nothing!" says the second boy "My dad's a police officer. He can shoot a bullet and be at the target before the bullet hits!"

"My dad can run the fastest!" says the third boy. "He's a civil servant. He works till 4 and is always home by 3:30!"

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A train hits a bus load of Catholic schoolgirls...

...and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past Saint Peter.
Saint Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St Peter says "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."
He asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She is a little reluctant but replies, lWell I once fondled and stroked one."
St Peter says, "ok, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through."
All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line as one girl is pushing her way to the front.
When she reaches the front of the line Saint Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
Lisa replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it!"

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A woman comes into the ER...

A true story!

A woman came into the ER with a fish bone caught in her throat.

An orderly put her into a wheelchair, and wheeled her off toward an examination room. They came to the top of a ramp, the orderly stumbled, and accidentally let go.

The lady accelerates down the ramp, hits the doorjamb at the bottom, and goes sprawling. As a result, she coughed up the fish bone.

The orderly, now worried about getting into trouble, thinks quick, and says "You're really lucky lady, usually we have to do that 2 or 3 times!"

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A man and a priest are playing golf.

The man hits the ball but it goes wide, landing far away from the hole. "Damnit, missed!" he shouts angrily. The priest turns to him and says, "if you swear like that, one day god will strike you down"!

The mab ignores him and tries for another shot. Once again he misses and once again he shouts "DAMN, MISSED"! At this point the priest is getting pretty annoyed himself. He reminds the man; "seriously, if you keep swearing like that, God will strike you down".

For the third time the man lines up a shot, swings, and misses completely. "DAMN MI....!" he begins before a bolt of lightning flashes down from the sky and hits the priest, killing him instantly! As the man looks around in shock a voice booms from the heavens; "DAMN, MISSED!"

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So a husband and wife of 12 years goes golfing...

and the man shanks his shot on the 7th hole and it goes behind a barn.

"Damn, now I have to hit around" he said.

His wife says, "No, you can shoot it right through, see?" and she opens the barn door and sure enough there's a perfect line to the green.

He hit the shot, it hits the top of the door, bounces back, hits his wife in the head and kills her.

2 years later the husband is playing a round of golf with his buddies and hits the same shot in the same place.

"Oh crap, now I have to hit around" he says.

His friend says, "No, you can hit it through here see?" he opens the barn doors and the green is right there.

"Oh no, no way I'm doing that again, last time I did that I got a 7 on this hole."

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Dangerous trick

Circus. The most popular and dangerous trick, guy put his penis in crocodile's mouth, croc shuts his mouth, the guy hits croc on the head, croc opens up his mouth and guy takes his penis unharmed, everybody applaud!

Than guy asks the audience:
if you can do it, I'll pay anybody $1000!!!!

Girl stands up and says:
"I'll do it, just don't hit me on the head!!!!"

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After a bad day on the course, a golfer goes to an old golf pro for some advice...

The old golf pro watches a few swings and the golfer says, "Well, what should I do?"

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The golfer went back out to the links. He took the old man's advice on his first swing and POW, he hits the ball 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the afternoon, the golfer is crushing tee drives right down the center.

The ecstatic man goes back home and tells his wife all about the new technique he learned. Now the wife, being an avid golfer, want's to talk to the old golf pro, as well.

The next day, the wife also asks the old golf pro for advice. The old golf pro watched her swing and says, "No, no, no. You're gripping the club way too hard".

"What should I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood", said the old pro.

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and THUMP... The ball skipped off of the tee box and rolled about 15 feet down the fairway.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected!" the old pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."

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the golf course frog

A golfer playing a round by himself hits his ball near a pond. As he approaches the ball he notices a small frog right next to the spot where his ball landed. Not wanting to hit the frog, he bends down and moves the frog onto a rock nearby. As he sets up his 8 iron shot, he hears the frog croak 'ribbit 9 iron'. Strange, he thought but what the heck. He pulls out his 9 iron and hits a perfect shot onto the green, 2 feet from the pin. With a smile he turns to the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. The frog hops onto his cart and proceeds to tell him the exact perfect club for each shot that day and the man ends up shooting the round of his life.

Following the round of golf, beer in hand, the man smiled at the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. With something near a smile (or as close as an amphibian can get), the frog said 'ribbit Vegas'.

On a whim, the man buys a plane ticket and flies with the small frog, in his carry on to las Vegas. Sitting on the mans shoulder, the frog proceeded to tell him which roulette numbers to play to the point where the man was up tens of thousands of dollars. The winning streak continued all night and caught the attention of the pit boss, who comped the man a room in their finest suite.

Sitting in the suites hit tub and enjoying a $500 bottle of fine cognac, the man turned to the frog and said 'I don't know how to thank you. You gave me the greatest golf round I've ever played and now more money than I can earn in 3 years. Is there anything I can do for you?' The frog looked the man in the eyes and said 'Ribbit, kiss me'. After a wince, the man thinks what the heck and picks the frog up and gives it a kiss. Like magic, the frog suddenly turned into a beautiful, blond, naked...14 year old girl.

...and I swear, your honor, that's exactly how she ended up in my room!

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Smiting

A construction worker was hammering in a nail, and hit his hand as a priest walks by. "Goddammit, I missed," he says. The priest tells him to not take the Lords name in vain.
The next day he walks by the same construction worker again, and this time the construction worker hits his other hand. "Goddammit, I missed," he says once again. The priest tells him he has one more strike before God punishes him.
The third day, the construction worker hits his beer, resting next to him. As the bottle breaks, he says "Goddammit I missed." The priest is walking by as a lightning bolt hits the priest, disintegrating him. A voice booms from the heavens, "GODDAMMIT I MISSED."

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What sound does a fratboy make when he hits the water?

DOUCHE

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Guy is drunk at the local bar...

This Guy is really drunk at the bar, starting to spin and feeling pretty unwell. He decides, enough is enough I am going home. He goes to stand up, and bang falls straight on the floor. "Oh, I am so drunk he says, I will try again". He gets up on the seat takes a deep breath and goes to stand again. Bang, hits the ground with a thud.

"Ok, I need some air" he says so he crawls out the front door and gets some fresh air.

He decides to try and stand and once again falls over. Tired, drunk and not able to stand, he decides to crawl home.

The next morning there is a big bang on his door, the wife kicks open the door and yells "You been at the bloody pub again!!", "No, what are you talking about" he answers.

"The pub called" she yells, "You left your wheelchair there again!"

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worst day

A small man sits in a bar with his beer when another, larger man comes into the bar walks up to the small one, hits him on the shoulder grabs his beer and drinks it in one shot. The small one then starts crying horrible. The other man starts to feel sorry for him and says: "Hey man, it's just a beer, i'll get you another" The small man continues crying and replies:

"Just a beer? Then listen to what happened to me today. I got fired, my wife left me, got thrown out of my house, my bank account got closed. I decided to take my life. I want to cut my wrists, knife blunt. I lay on the railway, dead track. I want to hang myself, rope tears. Now I buy some beer with the little money I have left, pour poison in it, and you drink it!"

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Jesus, Moses, and an Old Man Are Golfing...

Moses steps up to the tee, squares up and hits the ball right into the water hazard. He walks up to the water, raises his club, and parts the water. He then hits it in for two.

Jesus lines up his shot and hits it right into the water. He walks across the water and hits it in for two.

The old man takes his turn and whacks it hard. Right before the ball hits the water, a fish jumps out and bites the ball. Before the fish gets back in the water, a majestic eagle swoops down and grabs the fish, flying high into the sky where a lightning bolt zaps down from a cloud making the eagle drop the fish. That fish hits the ground and the ball rolls from his mouth right into the hole. PLOP.

Jesus whips around angrily shaking his finger. "Dammit, Dad! If you don't quit screwing around you can't play with us anymore!"

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What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne?

Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he hits puberty.

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A pig that can speak French

A circus advertises a new act: a pig that can speak French. A trainer walks onto the stage carrying a small pig with a blue ribbon and a wooden mallet. The trainer asks, "Parlez-vous français?" and hits the pig with the mallet. The pig: "Ouiiii..."

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Men Will Be Men

Before the King goes to war, he locks his wife (the beautiful Queen ),
in the room & gives the key to his best friend & says : If I am not back within 4 days , open the room and she is yours....
He sits on his horse & hits the road. Half an hour later he notices a dust cloud & sound behind him. He stops & sees his friend riding very fast towards him.
"What's wrong ?" King asks.
.
.
.
.
Out of breath, his friend answers, "It is the wrong Key...!! "

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A Jewish Girl And A Greek Boy Fall In Love

When the Jewish girl tells her father that she has fallen in love with a Greek boy and wants to marry him, he hits the ceiling. He forbids it, on pain of disownment. The girl goes ahead and marries the boy, anyway. The old man does not even go to the wedding and stops talking to her altogether.

A year goes by and she sends him a telegram. "Oh, daddy, I really need to see you and talk to you". Well, by this time his heart has softened and he misses her too and he wires back, "Ok".

She sends a private plane for him which flies him to Athens. A private helicopter takes him to a hundred-foot yacht at Piraeus. The yacht takes him to an Aegean island. When he lands he sees a big beautiful palace, of marble, with landscaping and statuary, and dozens of servants all over the place.

His daughter, dressed in the height of fashion and dripping with expensive jewelry, runs out and hugs him. He hugs her back and says, "My baby, I'm so glad you sent for me. I see now that you were right and I was wrong".

She says, "No, daddy, you were right. I want you to take me away from here and back home with you".

He asks, "But why?"

She says, "Because when I got married my asshole was the size of a dime and now it's the size of a silver dollar".

And he says, "You're going to give up all this for ninety cents?"

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A man walks into a hotel...

A man walks into a hotel and heads for the elevator. He starts scratching his head, and out of nowhere a woman walks around the corner and his elbow hits her right in the boob. He says "I'm so sorry ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your boob I would hope you could forgive me." She looks at him and says, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 119."

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Golfer hits his wife

A cop was investigating a domestic violence call where a woman said that her husband beat her with a golf club. The cop held up a bloody club and asked the husband, "How many times did you hit her?"

The husband replied, "Seven or eight, but put me down for a four."

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Clinton on the Titanic

Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.

The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.

Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.

Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."

Nixon goes: "Screw the women!"

Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time!?"

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A truck hits a woman, who's at fault?

The truck driver, what the hell was the truck doing in the kitchen?.

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Large tsunami hits Mexico - 300k were killed...

...Canada sends money, Brazilia sends food, USA sends 300k mexicans.

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A priest was driving in a bus.

A priest is riding in the bus when it hits a bump in the road.

"For f*ck sake!" Exclaims the driver.

The bus hits a second bump.

"Motherf*cker !!!" The driver gets furious.

"You shouldn't swear." Says the priest. "Try and say "Lord help us" instead."

The bus drives in a yet another bump, the tire goes flat.

Exhausted, the driver decides to listen to the priest's advice.

"Lord help us" - Says the driver, and to his amazement, the tire inflates.

"No f*cking way!" Exclaims the priest.

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A guy walks into a bar...

with an alligator under one arm and a club under the other. He slams the alligator down on a table, opens it's mouth, shoves in his dick and hits the alligator over the head with the club. He then exclaims, " Any of you fuckers think you're man enough to do that"? Gay guy in the corner stands up and says, " I'll try it if you don't hit me with the stick"!

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A gambler hits the jackpot

*What are we going to spend 10 million dollars on?* - asks his wife.

"31 black"

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An old married couple are sitting on their porch one morning...

...when suddenly the old lady lashes out with her cane and hits her husband on the knee.

"Ow! What'd ya do that for?" He asked.

"That's for 60 years of bad sex!"

He stewed in silence a few moments, rubbing his knee. All of a sudden he took his cane and thumped his wife on her knee.

"Ow! What's that for?"

"That's for knowing the difference."

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A woman is donating some blood to make a little extra money . . .

She heads to the hospital and gets on the elevator with a man about her age. They say hello and she tells him she is heading to the 4th floor and asks if he would push the button for her. He clicks the button and also hits the 6th floor button for himself. A few weeks later the woman returns to the hospital to donate and again runs into the same man. As they enter the elevator he clicks the 4th and 6th floor buttons and asks her why she is at the hospital again. She tells him that she makes $50 by donating blood and asks why he has returned to the hospital. He tells her he makes $100 donating sperm. The following month they once again end up on the same elevator and as they enter the man asks the woman, "4th floor?". She shakes her head and says with a full mouth, "No m goin to da shixth floor"

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A man buys a new BMW...

He decides to take it on the highway to see how fast it can go. Once he hits 100, he sees the red and blue lights of the cop car light up. He thinks to himself, maybe I can outrun the cop. So he continues to floor it. He makes it to 140, and the cop is still right behind him. So reluctantly he pulls over. The cop comes up and says to the man. Son, I'm at the end of my shift and you just racked up a ton of charges and paperwork for me. I'll tell you what, if you can give me the best story as to why you were speeding, I will let you go. The man sat there and thought for a minute and said. Well, 3 years ago my wife left me for a state trooper, and I was scared that y'all were bringing her back.

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Here's a Russian Joke I liked... that doesn't have any swears

The Year is 1973... and the big one hits, Nuclear War. So the two most powerful nations on Earth hellbent on each other's destruction fire their nukes at each other and each other's allies...



Anyway, during their flight a Soviet missile and an American missile cross each others path, and they decide to stop and stay for a while before the world ends. so they stay and drink and joke and have a jolly good time. By the end of the day the American missile is drunk and says, "You know... we should go now." To which the Soviet missile replies, "You're right, let me walk you home."

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and sees that the barman has a monkey in a cage. He asks the barman, "why do you have a monkey in a cage?" The barman says "I'll show you why." He opens the cage and hits the monkey on the head. When he does this, the monkey starts giving the barman a blowjob. He asks the man, "do you want to try?" The man says, "sure. Just don't hit me that hard."

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What do princess Diana and pink Floyd have in common?

their biggest hits were both the wall

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The Potty

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand.
His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."
Billy says: "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't gone potty yet."
Mother says, "Ok, you can stay here a few more minutes, but, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says, "It works for ketchup."

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Straight guys, don't act like an asshole when a gay guy hits on you...

...because then they'll definitely wanna fuck you.

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Jesus and Moses and another guy go for a round of golf

So they all line up and Moses hits the ball first. It flies up and lands straight in the pond. Moses then walks to the pond and splits the water in half, chips his ball onto the green and pots it in for par.
Jesus then steps up, again hits it into the pond. He walks on the pond finds the ball chips it up onto the green for par.
This other guy looks at these two for a moment before stepping up to hit the ball. The ball flies up in the air before again landing in the pond. Amazingly a fish swallows the ball, just as it does this a big bird grabs it out of the pond, the fish drops the ball midair and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one!
Moses then turns to Jesus and goes "i hate playing with your dad"

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A preacher feigns illness one Sunday morning.

His weekly sermon goes untold as the preacher slips out the back door of his house and makes his way to the golf course, all alone, as everyone else is in church.

The preacher's first shot from tee sails beautifully, curves gently in the wind, as if by divine intervention, hits the green and rolls into the cup. It's the preacher's first ever hole-in-one. He's absolutely ecstatic about it.

St. Peter watched the whole thing from Heaven's gate. He turns to God. "I saw that," Peter tells God. "That wind wasn't natural. Why would you help him like that? He should be preaching your word right now, not hitting holes-in-ones."

God shrugs. "Who's he going to tell?"

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I was laying on my SO's chest and commented on how comfortable it was...

And she hits me with a "It's like it's MAMMorey foam!" line. I was quite impressed.

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Maglev train hits 310mph in Japan.

Critics say it has barely left the ground.

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What's the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when he hits a windshield?

His ass.

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What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Both of their last big hits were The Wall.

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You might be a redneck

What'a the last thing that goes through a bugs mind as he hits a windshield?


His asshole....

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best hits jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about hits. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty hits gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these hits jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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