hits Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious hits puns

A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"

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A mother and her 5 year old daughter were driving down a highway one day when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield...

Daughter - Mommy, what was that?

Mom - (obviously didn't want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don't worry about it.

*a few seconds of silence*

Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.

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Highway Dildo

A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom.

When suddenly a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and hits the windshield

The little girl asks: *Mommy, what was that?*

The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: *It was just a bug honey.*

The little girl sits quitely for a while, before exclaiming: *It sure had a big dick.*

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Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him?

Poetry!

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A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"

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Why can a 747 never crash?

When it hits the ground it goes 'boeing'

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The Talking Clock

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"

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I bought Prince's greatest hits the other day for £20.

But I partied like it was £19.99

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Little Jimmy in the car.

Little Jimmy is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway.
A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys.
All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.
"What was that mummy" says Jimmy,
"Oh... it was a fly" replies the mother, slightly embarrased,
"Jesus!" says Jimmy, "Did you see the size of the cock on him!"

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An emo and an apple fall out of a tree. Which one hits the ground first?

The apple, the emo is stopped by the rope.

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Talking Clock

After a night at the bar, a guy invites his friend over to see his new apartment. During the tour, his friend sees a large gong against the wall and asks, "What's with the gong?" "It's not a gong, it's a talking clock," says the guy. He picks up the mallet, and hits the gong. His neighbor screams from the other side of the wall, "Shut the fuck up, Its 3:30 in the goddamn morning!"

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What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie?

That's a Moray.

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A mp3 hits your ears a mp4 hits your eyes

An mp5 hits your vital organs.

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NSFW - A woman is out playing golf one day

She swings and her ball goes flying and hits a man, who immediately grabs his crotch and falls to the ground, writhing in agony. The woman runs over and says "I'm a nurse, please let me help you!" and she reaches into his pants and starts massaging his penis. The nurse asks the man "how does that feel?" He responds "that feels great! But my thumb still hurts like hell though!"

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A dildo hits a family car...

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

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Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?

Society

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A tough guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash.

When he has everyone's attention, he grabs the alligator by the mouth, opens it, and let's it chomp down on his crotch. He counts to ten, then hits the gator on the head with a beer bottle and it lets go. When the applause dies down, he offers $1,000 to anyone that can do that . The bar is dead quiet, and finally a little old lady raises her hand. I'll try it...but just don't hit me that hard on the head with the beer bottle .

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How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

Shoot him before he hits the water.

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A Mom is driving with her 7-year old daughter.

They are following a garbage truck, when a dildo flies out and hits the windshield. The little girl asks, "Mom, what was that?" Mom, being embarrassed, says "Oh honey, it was just a bug." "Wow!", says the little girl, "It sure had a big dick!"

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A Mexican with a raging erection walks into a wall. What part hits the wall first?

The lawnmower.

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James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "

"Do you expect me to talk? "

"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "

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A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?

The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.

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What noise does a plane make when it hits the ground?

Boeing

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Johnny and Ruth are mountain biking down a hill...

...Ruth hits a tree. Johnny continues, ruthlessly.

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Three boys are bragging about whose dad is the fastest runner...

The first says "My dad is a hunter. He can shoot an arrow, run to where it's gonna land and catch it!"

"That's nothing!" says the second boy "My dad's a police officer. He can shoot a bullet and be at the target before the bullet hits!"

"My dad can run the fastest!" says the third boy. "He's a civil servant. He works till 4 and is always home by 3:30!"

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A lawyer, priest, and social worker are on a ship that hits an iceberg...

The captain comes over the intercom: "Everyone please make your way to the lifeboats".
The social worker yells out: "Women & children first!"
The lawyer starts pushing his way towards the boats: "Screw the children!"
The priest responds: "Do we have time?"

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How can you tell what kind of eel you're looking at?

Well, if the moon hits it's eye like a big pizza pie, it's a moray.

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Dangerous trick

Circus. The most popular and dangerous trick, guy put his penis in crocodile's mouth, croc shuts his mouth, the guy hits croc on the head, croc opens up his mouth and guy takes his penis unharmed, everybody applaud!

Than guy asks the audience:
if you can do it, I'll pay anybody $1000!!!!

Girl stands up and says:
"I'll do it, just don't hit me on the head!!!!"

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A fish swimming in a river hits into a wall and yells

Dam.

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Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East?

Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero

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What sound does a fratboy make when he hits the water?

DOUCHE

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Three people having sex...

is called a threesome, four people a foursome. Now it hits me why everyone keeps calling me "handsome"...

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A husband and a wife are having an argument while driving... NSFW

... Out of rage, the wife chops off her husbands penis and throws it out the window. It hits a car travelling in the opposite direction. Meanwhile in the other car, a father and his young daughter were driving. Suddenly BOOM a penis smacks their windshield and it flies off.

The daughter asks, "Daddy, what was that?"

"Err, it was a bug sweetie."

"That bug had a pretty big dick didn't it?"

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What do you call it when a Chinese ghost hits you with a stick?

Bam! *Boo*!

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Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender

As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.

He asks the bartender, *"What's with the gorilla?"*

The bartender says, *"Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"*

*"Sure"*

So the bartender whistles and Mable comes lumbering down the length of the bar.

The bartender pulls out a heavy steel pipe and hits the gorilla in the side of its head. The gorilla drops to its knees and starts giving the bartender a blow job.

*"Wow!"*, says the guy.

The bartender says, *"Pretty amazing, huh? You want to try?"*

The guys says, *"Yeah, sure! Just don't hit me so hard."*

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What are the most funny Hits jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Hits? Well, here are the best Hits dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Hits pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes