The Best 47 Hitman Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Hitman jokes. There are some hitman gunman jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these hitman shooter puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Hitman Jokes and Puns

A hitman was caught by the police one day.

After a long interrogation he confessed that he was hired beat to a man to death in a rice field and he did it using 2 small porcelain figures. Police say that this was the first case in town of a knick knack paddy whack.

People have always told me, "Shoot for the stars"

So I became a celebrity hitman

Two ukrainian hitmen receive a job...

Two ukrainian hitmen receive a job to kill a new Russian. He was supposed to come around at 6pm, so they arrive there earlier to set up an ambush. At 9pm the
new Russian still has not shown up. So one hitman says to another, "I hope
he is ok''

Hitman joke, Two ukrainian hitmen receive a job...

Did you hear about the half-assed hitman?

He assinated his targets.

Did you hear about the Mexican hit-man who was a chronic masturbator?

He got excited when he was ordered to rub Juan out.


Why do they call him shitman?

His name is steven hitman

I got arrested for following my dream.

The owner of that Ferrari thought I was a hitman shading him.

Hitman joke, I got arrested for following my dream.

Why do hitman always wear gloves?

because theyre always wacking guys off....

(Pick-up Line) Do you need a hitman?

Because I can take you out ; )

Have you heard the one about the single lady and the hitman?

probably not, the punchline is a dead miss.

What did the robot hit-man say to his robot victim?

"Nothing personal."

You can explore hitman scarface reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean hitman slayer dad jokes. There are also hitman puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


My friend recently started a career as a hitman...

I hear he's making a killing.

One of Colin Mochrie's many gut busters.

Famous Irish hit-man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClardy was arrested today, and confessed to the crime of beating a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcilean dolls. The police admit, this may be the first recorded instance of a knick knack paddy whack...

Being a hitman is very lucrative

I make a living and a killing off of it

Did you hear about that guy who got killed in a rice field by a hitman with a porcelain doll?

Police are saying it's the first known case of a knick-knack-paddy-wack.

I thanked my Spanish hitman today

I was hoping for a "Your welcome". Instead he reminded me to keep my mouth shut.

Hitman joke, I thanked my Spanish hitman today

I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help.

I told her I don't have the money to hire a hitman.

What do a programmer and a hitman have in common?

"off by one" is a drastic failure

Colin Mochrie's best joke.

Our top story today: Convicted hitman Jimmy 'TwoShoes' McClardy confessed today that he was once paid to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures.
Police admit this might be the only case of a knickknack paddywhack.


My ex always used to annoy me by saying I have terrible aim for a hitman.

I miss her.

Why did the hitman have such a hard time getting married?

No witnesses.

why was the hitman beating up the trash bin

His wife told him to take out the trash

I asked my wife to take out the trash, and she said, "I'd sooner die. Find someone else to do your dirty work."

Can anyone recommend a good hitman?

Hitman is hired to kill a cow

A hitman was hired to murder a cow in a field using only a porcelain figurine. This is the only known case of a knick knack patty whack.

My Friend misses his girl all the time, it makes me mad

I tell him he should just hire a hitman.

A husband hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years

Hitman: I will shoot her just below her left breast.
Husband: How is shooting her in the knee going to kill her?

I don't get why people don't see being a hitman as a valid job,

I mean, they make a killing off of it.

How did the Jewish hitman kill his target?

Hebrew his brains out...

Why did Angelina Jolie hire a hitman to kill her?

Because her family wouldn't have handled the youth in Asia.

What do you call an orange hitman?

A blood orange

What did the long-suffering hitman say to his over-bearing wife?

I missed you.

Hear about the half-assed hitman?

He assinated people.

A hitman beats a cow to death in a ricefield using two small porcelain figures.

Police admit this is the first known case of a knick-knack paddy whack.

Why did the hitman buy an inflatable mattress?

His boss told him to lilo for a while.

How is giving someone a love letter similar to being a hitman?

You always say "The deed is done"

It was hard to come to terms with the death of my wife.

But eventually the hitman and I agreed on a fee.

When I grow up I want to be a hitman

I hear they make a killing

What do you call a hitman that only shoots people under the thighs?

An asashin.

What do you call an amateur hitman?

hitormissman

What does the redneck hitman say before pulling the trigger?

Get 'em done

I want to become a hitman

but I heard the competition is killing.

What did the nervous contractor say to the hitman outside his door

I..I don't want a..anyone seeing you he..ere. G..Get your ass..ass in here.

My wife said she wanted to take me out.

But she couldn't find a hitman

Order your hitman today!

It's a killer price.

A Mafia hit-man was arrested for killing a man in a rice field with a porcelain figurine

The police said this is the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

A woman wanted to hire a hitman to kill one particular cat that had been messing with her pet squirrel

She asks her friend Rob: "Do you know anyone I could hire to put this cat down?"

Rob: "Yes, I think one of my gaming buddies is in this business, but I would have to confirm"

Woman: "Oh, so what's his name?"

Rob: "I don't know his real name, but his gaming name is xX__PussyDestroyer__Xx"

I hired a hitman to clean up my sewing

He has been tying up all the loose ends.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the hitman hired jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working hitman yakuza piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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