Hitler Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

What is the difference between Ajit Pai and Hitler?

Hitler was doing what he thought was best for his country.

What makes Hitler better than Jesus?

Jesus could only feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. Hitler made 6,000,000 Jews toast.

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

People compare Trump and hitler all the time, but there is one major difference.

Hitler was good at making speeches

Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye

Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.

My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

I should make a monument in my yard dedicated to the guy who killed Hitler.

Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

What could the Boston Marathon bombers do that Hitler couldn't?

End a race.

How did Hitler keep his shoelaces from coming untied?

Little knotsies.

Hitler wasn't a very athletic man.

He never even finished a single race.

Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945

Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.

Because they were Veteran Aryans.

What video game would Adolf Hitler play?

Mein Kraft.

Worst joke I've ever heard

What is the difference between Hitler and the Boston Bombers?

One of them actually ended a race.

You'll never be able to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby.

You'd be way too short and weak.

An Arab and a Jew stand in front of a Hitler statue.

The Jew spits on the statue.
Arab: why did you do that?
Jew: because he killed half my people.

The Arab spits on the statue as well.
Jew: why did you do that?
Arab: because he didn't kill the other half.

A girl uses chemicals to remove polish and no one looks twice

And yet when Hitler tried it, everyone threw a fit

Hitler dies and God calls him

After Hitler dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".

God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".

"See, not even you care about Jews!"

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin.

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin at a table. He asks them what they were doing and was told that they were planning WW3.
Hitler says, "We are going to kill 15 million jews, and a bicycle repairman."
The man, confused asks, "Why the bicycle repairman?"
Hitler turns to Stalin and tells him, "See? I told you no one would care about the 15 million Jews!"

How did Hitler like his orange juice?

Concentrated.

Anagram of "mother in law"

Woman Hitler

Why wasn't Hitler invited to the BBQ?

Because he always burns the franks.

What do Justin Bieber and Adolf Hitler have in common?

Neither of them are musicians.

Osama Bin Laden, Josef Stalin and Hitler are robbing a bank, who do the cops shoot first?

A black guy

Why does Hitler like acetone?

It's a Polish Remover

Ya gotta give Hitler credit for one thing...

He killed Hitler.

What gave Hitler a heart attack?

Seeing his gas bill

Kinda scared for 2017

Because 2+0+1+7 is 10 - the exact number of nipples Hitler would have if he had 8 more

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin...

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin sitting at a table. He walks up to them and asks what they are doing. Hitler says were planning WW3. The man asks what's going to happen this time. Hitler says this time were going to kill 15 million Jews and a bicycle repair man. The man asks why a bicycle repair man. Hitler turns to Stalin and says see I told you know one would care about the 15 million Jews.

Hitler and Stalin walk together in the afterlife

... they stop next two people and Hitler tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic.

one of the two people hear this and asks Hitler "Why kill the mechanic?"

Hitler turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews"

Use chemicals to remove polish and no one cares..

But use chemicals to remove Polish and you're literally Hitler.

What did they call Hitler when he swam?

Adolfin

An old Hitler joke

Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.

"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".

"Why the two dogs?" the medium replied.

"See, nobody cares about the Jews!"

An Atheist...

Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."

The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? Hitler. He made over 60,000 Jews toast."

God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."

The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."

Hitler walked in to a bar...

The bartenders says "whoa, hitler I thought you were dead"

Hitler says "no, just hiding. I'm planning to kill the rest of the Jews and 5 clowns"

The bartender asks "why the clowns?"

Hitler says "see no one cares about Jews"

Using chemicals to remove polish is fine...

But use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're suddenly Hitler!

Why isn't Hitler in Mario Kart?

Because he cant finish a race

Why is hitler a better person than Jesus Christ?

Jesus Christ fed 2000 jews with 5 loaves of bread, while hitler made 6 million Jews toast

Jesus fed 2000 Jews fish and bread.

Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

Sieg Heil by Covergirl

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one panics.
Hitler does the same thing and everyone loses their minds.

Hitler wasn't such a bad guy

After all he did kill Hitler. Then again... He killed the guy who killed Hitler.

Roses are red, Violets are blue

Hitler blew an 11 country lead during World War 2

So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...

So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf Hitler... the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing. Moishe rolls up his sleeve - "he gave me the winning numbers"

It's not fair for people to keep comparing Trump to Hitler.

It's not fair for people to keep comparing Trump to Hitler. Hitler was a decorated war hero and qualified leader.

How does Hitler tie his shoes?

With little knotsies.

Why did Hitler kill him self?

He saw his gas bill.

How did Hitler originally get into power?

"Let's make Germany great again"

Why did Hitler lose his drivers licence?

He was too hard on the gas

What do you get when you cross Hitler with Osama bin laden?

Nein 11

What was the first thing Hitler bought from the beauty shop?

Polish remover

Christians always go on about the time Jesus fed five thousand people with five loaves and two fishes...

What about Hitler? He made 6 million jews toast.

Hitler was worst track runner

he couldn't even finish one race

The guy who killed Hitler is my hero

Oh wait...

What did Hitler call his records store?

The Vinyl Solution.

Hitler went to see a fortune seer

Hitler went to see a fortune seer. He walked in and demanded to know on what day he would die.
The seer replied "You will die on a Jewish holiday"
Hitler wanted more in information than that, and asked "Which holiday?"
The seer just smirked and said "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday"

What's the similarity between a dead Hitler and a cat?

They both have nein lives.

Apparently as a 4 year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest

Goes to show that a lot of problems can be solved if priests could keep their hands off kids.

Hitler was talking to one of his generals,

Hitler: I want to kill 6 million jews and 5 clowns.

General: Why the 5 clowns?

Hitler: See? Nobody cares about ze jews!

People think Jesus was so great...

But all he did was give fish to a thousand people.

 

You forget that Hitler made 6 million people toast.

What do Hitler and teenage girls have in common?

They both use chemicals to remove the polish.

Adolf asked his advisor "How's the weather today?"

"Hail, Hitler"

Why did hitler kill himself?

He received his gas bill

What do you call a homeless Hitler?

A roofless dictator.

What are the funniest hitler jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Hitler? Well, here are the best Hitler puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Hitler pick up lines to share with friends.

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