Hit You So Hard Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with his monkey and tells the bartender, "What do you say you buy me a drink if I can get this monkey here to bl*w me?" The bartender agrees and the guy smacks his monkey upside his head. The monkey falls over, jumps up, pulls the guys thing out, and starts bl*wing. Another guy at the end of the bar has been watching in amazement and says, "Hey, can I try that?!" The monkey owner says, "Sure," and the other guy says, "Okay, just don't hit me that hard."

There were two guys at a gym Dan and Mike who hit the showers after a hard morning workout.

Dan said to Mike "Hey! Have you heard? That there is a gay guy at our gym today."
The Mike looking really curious and replies "Oh? Who do you think he is?"
Dan looks at Mike from mid-section to eye level and, says "Let me give you a kiss first before I tell you who."

A guys hits the brakes hard on a Maybach at the stop light. Behind him a Geo tries to stop but he can't make it and hits him in the back.

On the Maybach's computer: New hardware detected. Install?

A man walks into work one morning...

A man walks into work one morning with a n**... black eye and a couple of scratches on his face. The receptionist, a young woman, notices and asks the man what happened.
"I got beat up defending my girlfriend's honor."
"Aww, that's sweet," said the receptionist, "what did your girlfriend think?"
"She couldn't believe how hard my wife could hit."

A Boy chokes on a coin

A little boy was playing in his yard when he swallowed a coin that became lodged in his t**.... His mother picked him up and ran down the street screaming for help. Luckily, a man ran over and hit the boy hard on the back so that the coin popped out of his mouth. "Thank you so much, doctor!" the mother said.
"Oh, I'm not a doctor, ma'am," said the man. "I work for the IRS"

A woman answers her door...

And a man is standing in the doorway. He says, "lady I'm sorry, but I think I just hit your cat." The lady replies, " oh no, I don't think so, he hardly ever gets out of the house." The man says, "well it came running out of your yard." The woman then asks, "what does it look like?" The man says, "well it looks kinda flat and runny." "No what did it look like before you hit it?". "Surprised. "

Hard Times

A pirate was standing on the crow's nest and then he slipped and fell. He fell through the first floor, then he fell through the second floor, then he fell through the third floor and hit the bottom floor of the ship!
The first mate comes up to him and asks "Are ye all right matey?"
The pirate replies, "Arrr, yes... I've been through hardship before!"

An old sailor decides to get in uniform and hit the "red light" district, for one last good time...

He finds himself a willing "date", and after a bit of haggling, the price is settled on, and the transaction is made. After about 10 minutes, he asks the lady, "How am I doin', honey?" The p**... replies, "About 3 knots, sailor... you're not hard, you're not in, and you're not gettin' your money back."

Did you hear about the woman who injected concrete into her buttocks?

Talk about hitting rock bottom.
ALTERNATE: What a hard-a**....

The monkey god versus Jesus

The monkey god wukong was bored one day and challenged Jesus to see who was stronger. Jesus agreed on one condition that he would hit first. Wukong agreed and Jesus gave him one good punch unto his face causing wukong to fly across the sky. 7 days later, wukong returned with a swollen face and said "my turn". He then punched Jesus in the face so hard that the Christians are still looking for him to this day.

I went to an Arab-American comedy night....

I went to an Arab-American comedy night and there was a Muslim guy making a joke about being in high school football.
"I was hit so hard, I saw Jesus. Do you know how hard you have to be hit to see somebody else's god?"

I've hit hard times, and I think to get some money I should sell mu vacuum cleaner.

Because right now it's just collecting dust.

I've hit hard times, and to make money I'm going to sell my vacuum cleaner.

Because right now it's just gathering dust.

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,
"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "
"Do you expect me to talk? "
"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "

A magician calls a man onstage...

and he gives the man a sledgehammer, and he says, "I want you to take this sledgehammer and hit me as hard as you can in the head." The guy says, "Alright." The magician puts his head down on a block a wood and the guy hauls back and BAM! Pops this magician in the temple. Ten years later, the magician wakes up out of a coma in the hospital and goes, "TADAAA!"

Women say it's unfair that men get more attractive as we get older.

It's usually because we hit bottom really hard and bounce back up.

My boss was totally honest with me today...

He pulled up to work this morning in his sweet new sports car and when he saw me admiring it he said "Well, if you work really hard, set big goals and hit them, I can get an even nicer one next year!"

I went to an Arab-American comedy night

there was a Muslim guy making a joke about being in high school football. " I was hit so hard, I saw Jesus.. Do you know how hard you have to be hit to see someone else's god? "

Two of my favourite moments in my life were when I won my first fight and lost my virginity

I hit him so hard he slept through the whole thing

A little boy is hit by a bus...

...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:
"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"
To which the little boy replies:
"How can you think about s**... in a time like this?"

I treat my wife the same way I treat a bottle of ketchup...

I always take the top off, flip it upside down, and hit it has hard as I can.

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

I hit my head really hard on a glass window yesterday

It hurt me pretty bad, Maybe that's why they call it window pane

An old blacksmith ...

... realised that soon he would not be able to work so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

Please pray for my wife....

A spider bit her on the forehead and she is now in the E.R. They said she almost died.
Lucky for her, I was near and hit the spider as hard as I could with a bat right when it bit her.

A little boy swallows a nickel.

His mother panics and starts hitting him hard on the back. Suddenly he coughs up two dimes. She doesn't know what to do so she calls her husband.
"Junior swallowed a nickel, and when I patted him on the back he coughed up two dimes. What do I do?" she cried.
"Keep feeding him nickels!" the father said.

I love when the ocean waves hit me hard and then pick me back up...

It reminds me of how my stepfather treats me

My friends compare my luck with the ladies to Steph Curry...

I ball pretty hard but I still hit 3's like it's going out of style

A spy is in a Russian interrogation room

Russian: Don't hit his face too hard, we still need to unlock his iPhone!

I had to visit a doctor today...

I hit my head really hard and gave myself a n**... bump. The doctor was a real quack though, all he told me was to duck next time. Plus I left with a huge bill!

A tough guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash.

When he has everyone's attention, he grabs the alligator by the mouth, opens it, and let's it chomp down on his c**.... He counts to ten, then hits the gator on the head with a beer bottle and it lets go. When the applause dies down, he offers $1,000 to anyone that can do that . The bar is dead quiet, and finally a little old lady raises her hand. I'll try it...but just don't hit me that hard on the head with the beer bottle .

The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice

His new apprentice was willing to work long, hard hours.
One day he instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith.

The recession really has hit hard.

Hundreds and thousands are now known as "ones and tens".

Instruction

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad: When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil, and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

Back before the internet was so public it was very hard to get to places we take for granted. For instance there used to be a gay internet, strictly for gay people.

To find it you had to hit these keys in this sequence on your keyboard it was "Enter" "Colon" "Pound, pound, pound"

The weirdest thing happened to me today, Dwayne Johnson was holding me down wgilst a fishmonger hit me with a frozen fish.

I was stuck between The Rock and a hard plaice

When I was a kid I was playing catch, and I must have thrown too hard because I hit my grandpa right in the face.

Needless to say that's the last time I brought a ball to a f**....

When I hit the brakes hard, my passengers looked excited..

The were on the edge of their seats.

Asked my friend why she like the song it's raining men.

"Is it because you like the ideas of men falling at you or them hitting the ground really hard"
"Neither, I like the idea of cleaning up"

Two eggs are about to have s**...

And the guy egg puts on a c**... helmet...
The girl egg asks "why the helmet?"
He replies "The last time I was this hard, I got hit on the head with a spoon!"

A guy walks into a bar..

.... he notices a monkey sitting at the bar. He asks the bartender, "what's with the monkey?" The bartender walks around, sits next to the monkey, and smacks it upside the head with a pan. The monkey goes down and gives him a bj. The bartender walks back and says "pretty cool eh, you want to give it a try?" The guy thinks for a second and says "yea sure, why not, just don't hit me so hard with that pan"

A man walks into a bar

A man walks in a bar and orders a beer. After taking a few sips, he notices a gorilla in the corner. He asks hey what's with the gorilla?
The bartender says watch this. He walks up to the gorilla and smacks him in the head and the gorilla immediately drops down and gives him a b**....
The man shocked says, wow that's incredible!.
The bartender asks him if he'd like to try.
The man replies, yeah sure just dont hit me so hard!

Hit it on the head

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

In celebration of my very first Cake Day, I'm reposting one of my own jokes:

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction.
A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.
The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?"
"It's hard to say."

What happens when you hit someone dyslexic very hard on the head?

Drain bamage
And potentially jail time.

Will you get married?

Before Marriage:
Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: h**... no. Are you crazy?
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)

My friend told me he got hit hard, lost 40% of his net profit in the market in the last year.

I said "so? I lost 85% of my net worth in the market in 1 day"
He said "what? Was it in a mutual fund?!"
I was like "no....my iPhone was stolen at the grocery store"

The village blacksmith found an apprentice willing to work long and hard.

The blacksmith told the boy, "When I take the shoes out of the fire, I'll lay them on the anvil, and when I nod my head, hit it with the hammer." The apprentice did as he was told.
Now he's the village blacksmith.

Don't Open The Door

The doorbell rings at Pete's place. When he opens the door, there's a large beetle standing in front of him.
The beetle pushes Peter so hard he falls and hits his head, requiring a trip to the hospital.
When Peter explains what happened to the Doctor, she says, "Ah, I'm not surprised, you're the fifth case we've had today"
"Really?" Peter says.
"Yes," the Doctor says, "There's a really n**... bug going around..."

My ex has a new guy

He's horrible. Doesn't do jack s**... around the house, lies around all the time, hitting the bottle pretty hard or yelling at her whenever it's empty. He also ain't really a looker, he's bald and kinda short and ... I really don't understand what people see in babies.

Happy Halloween

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Boy the Halloween vandals and pranksters hit my neighborhood hard already. They destroyed a bunch of street signs," he tells the bartender. "They really pulled out all the stops."

An employee at a supermarket

An overworked and underpaid employee was stocking shelves at his local supermarket. Naturally, he was very tired and didn't care about anything going on around him. Out of nowhere, an old woman with a Karen haircut comes up to him and says "hey you, tell me what those little green things in the pods are called before I hit you so hard your children have bruises. I need these for my diet." The employee, wanting nothing to do with this lady, simply rolls his head around, makes direct eye contact with the lady and says, "b**..., peas".

Mothballs

A small town guy comes into a pharmacy and asks the guy at the counter:
"What do you have to get rid of the darn moths?"
The pharmacist sells him a pack of mothballs.
A day later he comes in and asks for fifty packs.
"Why do you need so many?" asks the pharmacist
-"Your mothballs are great, but them darn moths are so hard to hit"

A man was proudly showing his new apartment to some friends, he had invited over last night.

They go to the bedroom and there is a big brass gong in the corner.
One of the guests asks, "What is that gong for?"
The host replies, "That is the talking clock."
Impressed, the guest asks again, "How does it work?"
The host says, "Watch", and hits the gong hard with a hammer.
From the other side of the wall, someone screams, "For gods sake, you idiot, it's 2 am in the morning."

A bullet is talking to a therapist

The therapist asks the bullet, "So when do you think everything started to go downhill?"
The bullet answers, "Well Doc, it all started back when I got fired. When the hammer finally came down, it hit me really hard. I lost it and blew off my top, and now I feel like a shell of my former self."
thank you to /u/TinyPlaidNinjas for the inspiration for this joke

Cutback

Ellen and Jack worked for a small company owned by Bob.
Hard times hit and Bob was having to cut back.
He called a meeting and looking directly at Ellen stated I've got to lay you or j**....
Ellen replied Well you gonna have to j**... then, cause I got a headache.

A wife comes home late one night...

...and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.
​
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"