Quirky and Hilarious Hit Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.
It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.
Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the h**... was wrong with you?
Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.
Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.
Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY
That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.
My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, I'll give you a reason to cry!?"
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.
It's called gluten tag.
I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...
Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.
Corona must have hit India hard...
I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.
I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day...
It's a vicious cycle.
d**... girl, are you a piñata?
Because I'm going to need a blindfold to hit that
The police came to my house tonight holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
You can explore hit strike reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean hit slam dad jokes. There are also hit puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car
The operator asks for his location.
Jack says I'm outside 28 Eucalyptus Road .
The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"
There's shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. Jack? says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting.
Sorry about that says Jack. I just dragged him 'round to 1 Oak Street
I tried having my mother's phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad's name, he'd have to be the one to put in the request.....
The fact that he'd been dead for 40 years didn't sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?
Well, yes, she said reluctantly. But that would ruin his credit.
An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.
He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.
He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"
The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."
My wife says if I don't stop making puns about Russia, she's going to hit me.
If that's the way it's going to be, then Soviet.
What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus?
An ambulance you racist.
My granddaughter just hit me with this one: what is the biggest kind of ant ?
A gi-ant!
I am so proud right now!
Looks like NFT prices have hit rock bottom.
Get your monkey for nothin' and your chimps for free.
I want my, I want my, I want my NFT.
A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother...
They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!
They named him Ravi O. Lee
Sorry
A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma
Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.
If I s**... Dwayne Johnson...
does that mean I hit Rock bottom?
What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?
If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."
If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.
If you were in the Army you think it means to go from room to room clearing them of enemy combatants.
If you were in the Navy it means to turn out all the lights and lock the door.
If you were in the Air Force it means to take out a five year lease with an option to buy.
George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity
Just like one of his characters.
(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)
The US has placed 18th for math…
It sounds bad, I'm just glad we hit top ten.
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation.
My boss calls me "the computer"
Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes
EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much
A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."
A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."
She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"
He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"
A husband sends a text to his wife.
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?
A drunk driver is being interrogated
Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that o**... to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the o**...
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.
I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died
Which was lucky really, because he got hit by a bus
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door.
The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am."
He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second."
The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."
The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."
what's the difference between Paul Walker and Betty White?
Paul Walker hit 100 before he died.
Officer: I'm sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.
Man: Yeah but she's got a great personality
EA have been hit by ransomware and need to pay up to $7,000,000
Hackers claim they want EA to feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when they finally unlock their information
3 blondes are walking in the woods.
3 blonde girls are walking in the woods when they stumble across a set of tracks, the first girl having went to a zoo last week claims that the tracks are deer tracks, the second blonde laughs,
"Caitlyn you dumb b**... those are bear tracks!"
The third blonde chimes in,
"Oh my god no you're both wrong those are rabbit tracks."
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Over the past year, my s**... fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse.
But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realised I'd hit rock bottom.
The whole world should be worried that North Korea has a missile that can hit New York...
... because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking w**....
You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.
I was hit by a truck carrying a bunch of Omega 3 capsules
It's okay, I only sustained super fish oil injuries
Does it hurt anymore?
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"
I went to a bookstore recently.
Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I wondered why they were doing that. Then IT hit me.
The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"
The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike
It's a vicious cycle.
Saw a man in a parking lot throwing Stephen King novels at people
I couldn't figure out why. Then It hit me.
Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.
The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!"
The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!"
The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!"
The three blondes kept arguing about what animal left the tracks until they were eventually hit by a train.
Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday?
They hit a midlife crisis
I got hit on the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Lucky it was a soft drink
Him: "I drive like lightning" Her: "So you drive fast?"
Him: "No, I hit trees."
Why are ships' portholes round?
So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.
Two blondes were taking a walk through a bush when they came across a set of tracks.
'I'm sure they're bear tracks!', said the first blonde.
'No, they're deer tracks', said the second blonde, confidently.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Tonight, while telling my grown children some dad jokes, my 34 y/o son hit me with…
What's the difference between dad and an ice cream truck? The ice cream truck has Good Humor!
I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.
I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.
Girls are like blackjack…
I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby stroller. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey, don't ever do that again. You scared the c**... out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "I'm sorry. It's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
My s**... desires have been getting out of control...
But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I knew I'd hit rock bottom.
Two Blondes are out on a hike....
....when one looks down and sees some tracks. "Hey look, deer tracks!" she exclaims. The other blond looks over and says, "Those aren't deer tracks! Those are rabbit tracks!" After about 10 minutes of bickering about what type of tracks they are, they get hit by a train.
Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.
1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done. Now, flush the u**... and go outside and tee off.
An American tourist is hit by a car in downtown Sydney, AU.
He is in a coma for 24 hours. When he wakes up in the hospital, he is very disoriented.
"Did I come here to die?" he asks.
The nurse replies, "No, love, you came here yestadie!"
My herbal addiction is getting out of control. Rosemary, Sage, anything to get that herbal hit. When the money ran out I raided the garden, that's cleared out now. Some friends have been lending me some of theirs, but it's not enough to keep me going.
I'm just living on borrowed thyme.
A police officer stopped my mom's car.
Officer: First name?
Mom: Frida
Officer: Last name?
Mom: Gomam
Officer: So you're Frida Gomam?
And my mom hit the accelerator.
Never hit a man with eyeglasses
Use your fist instead.
>Enthusiastically told by my 6 year old brother, I thought it was worth sharing.
I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"
I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."
Why do we hit things when they don't work?
Because it worked with slavery
This guy said he was going to hit me with the neck of a guitar....
I said, Is that a fret?
Why are Taylor Swift's songs always a hit? (WARNING POKEMON JOKE)
Because swift never misses.
I used to think women were objects.
But then it hit me.
The blacksmith hires an apprentice
He instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith
My 5yo hit me with this: what do you call an elephant who refuses to bath?
A Smellephant!
Why was Kevin Spacey so good at Blackjack?
He knew to hit on everything under 17
A little boy is hit by a bus...
...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:
"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"
To which the little boy replies:
"How can you think about s**... in a time like this?"
what happens when you slap Dwayne johnson in the b**...?
You hit rock bottom.
So Tim Tebow just hit a home run in his first professional at bat
But he had no idea what to do once he got to third base.
Two men on a train both have black eyes.
Man 1: "how did you get that black eye?"
Man 2: "I was buying my ticket from this beautiful b**... girl and instead of saying 'a ticket to Pittsburgh' I accidentally said I wanted 'a picket to Tittsburgh' so she hit me. How about you?"
Man 1: "Yeah, something similar happened to me. I was sitting around having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say 'pass the wheaties' and I accidentally said 'you ruined my life you s**... b**...'."
Policemen: I'm sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a truck.
Man: I know, but she has a great personality.
Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor?
Because it can't hit home
A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.
He opens it to find two policemen standing there. One policeman asks if he is married. He says, Yes, I am.
The policeman then says, I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck.
The guy replies, I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.
Three blondes found some tracks...
The first blonde said, "Those are bear tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, those are deer tracks!"
The third blonde said, "No those are dog tracks!"
And that was when the train hit them.
I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.
I couldn't connect to the server
Two cavemen are waiting at the doctor's office
The first says, "Me name Phil. Me get bee sting. Why you here?"
The second one, covered in blood, smiles and says, "Me name Mike. Me get hit by boulder during rock slide."
The first says, "That must hurt! Why you look so happy?"
The second says, "Me celebrating. It's Mike Ache Day!"
Friend asked to use my phone to call his mom..
Told him to just hit redial.
A guy runs into a bar.
He goes up to the bartender and asks him "Hey how tall is a penguin?" The bartender looks at him and goes "I don't know, probably around three feet." The guy looks distraught and while leaving goes "Oh s**..., I think I hit a nun."
What's the worst part of an NFL wedding?
Getting hit by Rice
I think a gay guy hit on me in a bar...
He was passing behind me and asked "Do you mind if I push in your stool?"
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby.
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground & rolled around in pain.
She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor. Reluctantly he agreed. She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside. She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken"
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist said I could be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.
So I guess it was an ether/oar situation.
My favorite blond joke of all time...
So two blondes were analyzing some tracks. The first one insisted they were rabbit prints, while the second blond was certain they were made by a raccoon. Back and forth they argued, rabbit tracks, raccoon tracks, rabbit tracks. Then they got hit by a train.
MySpace got hit by a DDOS attack..
More than 8 users were disconnected.
