Hit Jokes

Following is our collection of bump puns and strike one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Hit jokes for adults, dirty swerve jokes and clean slam dad gags for kids.

The Best Hit Puns

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, I'll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day...

It's a vicious cycle.


Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says I'm outside 28 Eucalyptus Road .

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There's shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. Jack? says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting.

Sorry about that says Jack. I just dragged him 'round to 1 Oak Street

What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus?

An ambulance you racist.

A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother...

They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!

They named him Ravi O. Lee

Sorry

If I spank Dwayne Johnson...

does that mean I hit Rock bottom?

Three blondes are walking through a forest

...when they spot tracks on the ground. The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says: "No you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure."
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)


There were 3 blondes walking on a trail...

The first blonde said "Those look like deer tracks!"

The second blonde said "No those are totally moose tracks... "

The third blonde said "Nope, they are goat tracks!"

Then a train hit them

A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."

She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"

He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

A drunk driver is being interrogated

Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top

Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..

Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.

Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that one guy to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?

Detective : well, I would have turned for the one guy

Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.

A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am."

He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second."

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."

The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."

Officer: I'm sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.

Man: Yeah but she's got a great personality

Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse.

But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realised I'd hit rock bottom.

The whole world should be worried that North Korea has a missile that can hit New York...

... because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.


Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed.

You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

Does it hurt anymore?

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"

I went to a bookstore recently.

Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I wondered why they were doing that. Then IT hit me.

The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"

The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike

It's a vicious cycle.

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.

The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!"

The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!"

The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!"

The three blondes kept arguing about what animal left the tracks until they were eventually hit by a train.

3 blondes were walking on a path

They came across a set of tracks and were debating about what animal they were from.

Blonde 1: These are definitely deer tracks.

Blonde 2: They are not. These are clearly elk tracks.

Blonde 3: Both of you are blind. These are obviously moose tracks.

That's when the train hit them.

Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday?

They hit a midlife crisis

I got hit on the head with a can of soda yesterday.

Lucky it was a soft drink

Him: "I drive like lightning" Her: "So you drive fast?"

Him: "No, I hit trees."

Why are ships' portholes round?

So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.

Girls are like blackjack…

I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.

My sexual desires have been getting out of control...

But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I knew I'd hit rock bottom.

Two Blondes are out on a hike....

....when one looks down and sees some tracks. "Hey look, deer tracks!" she exclaims. The other blond looks over and says, "Those aren't deer tracks! Those are rabbit tracks!" After about 10 minutes of bickering about what type of tracks they are, they get hit by a train.

An American tourist is hit by a car in downtown Sydney, AU.

He is in a coma for 24 hours. When he wakes up in the hospital, he is very disoriented.

"Did I come here to die?" he asks.

The nurse replies, "No, love, you came here yestadie!"

A police officer stopped my mom's car.

Officer: First name?
Mom: Frida
Officer: Last name?
Mom: Gomam
Officer: So you're Frida Gomam?

And my mom hit the accelerator.

Never hit a man with eyeglasses

Use your fist instead.

>Enthusiastically told by my 6 year old brother, I thought it was worth sharing.

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

Why do we hit things when they don't work?

Because it worked with slavery

This guy said he was going to hit me with the neck of a guitar....

I said, Is that a fret?

Why are Taylor Swift's songs always a hit? (WARNING POKEMON JOKE)

Because swift never misses.

I used to think women were objects.

But then it hit me.

The blacksmith hires an apprentice

He instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.

The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith

Why was Kevin Spacey so good at Blackjack?

He knew to hit on everything under 17

A little boy is hit by a bus...

...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:

"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"

To which the little boy replies:

"How can you think about sex in a time like this?"

So Tim Tebow just hit a home run in his first professional at bat

But he had no idea what to do once he got to third base.

Two men on a train both have black eyes.

Man 1: "how did you get that black eye?"

Man 2: "I was buying my ticket from this beautiful busty girl and instead of saying 'a ticket to Pittsburgh' I accidentally said I wanted 'a picket to Tittsburgh' so she hit me. How about you?"

Man 1: "Yeah, something similar happened to me. I was sitting around having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say 'pass the wheaties' and I accidentally said 'you ruined my life you stupid bitch'."

Policemen: I'm sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a truck.

Man: I know, but she has a great personality.

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.

He opens it to find two policemen standing there. One policeman asks if he is married. He says, Yes, I am.

The policeman then says, I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck.

The guy replies, I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.

Three blondes found some tracks...

The first blonde said, "Those are bear tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, those are deer tracks!"

The third blonde said, "No those are dog tracks!"

And that was when the train hit them.

Friend asked to use my phone to call his mom..

Told him to just hit redial.

What's the worst part of an NFL wedding?

Getting hit by Rice

Blonds in the woods

There were three blonds walking through the woods, when they come across some tracks.
"These are bear tracks" said the first blond,
"No, these are deer tracks" sais the second,
"You two are both wrong, these are wolf tracks" said the third,
They were all still arguing when the train hit them.

I think a gay guy hit on me in a bar...

He was passing behind me and asked "Do you mind if I push in your stool?"

MySpace got hit by a DDOS attack..

More than 8 users were disconnected.

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

My favorite blond joke of all time...

So two blondes were analyzing some tracks. The first one insisted they were rabbit prints, while the second blond was certain they were made by a raccoon. Back and forth they argued, rabbit tracks, raccoon tracks, rabbit tracks. Then they got hit by a train.

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

Kevin Spacey is trying to get a new position in Vegas,...

Blackjack Dealer

Because they hit on anything under 17.

Cops turned up at my place last night

"I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a car..."


I said "Yes but she has a great personality."

Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.


In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived.


Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black.


Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it's feared staff may get a raw deal.

Wait, if you slap Dwayne Johnson's Butt...

Do you Hit Rock Bottom?

A guy calls 911 and says: "I hit a pig on the side of the highway, what do I do?"

The operator replies: "If it's still alive, put it out of its misery."

The operator hears a gunshot and then the man comes back on the phone.

"Done, now what do I do with his motorcycle?"

What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh*t

Three blondes were walking through a forest...

Three blondes were walking through a forest when they came across a set of tracks. They stopped, bewildered, wondering what animal could have made them. The first blonde says, "I know, those are moose tracks." The second blonde goes, "no, those are bear tracks." The third blonde says, "guys, those are definitely wolf tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them.

I'm concerned with the world news at the moment. Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York,

and I was thinking.

"If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere".

A lawyer opens his car door on the side of the road

as a car flies past and takes off his door. Stunned, he quickly looks around and spots a police officer nearby. "Officer, you saw that guy just hit my brand new Porsche, you have to do something!" The officer can't believe what he is seeing and shakily replies, "Sir, how can you lawyers be so materialistic? Do you not realize that your entire left arm is also missing?" The lawyer quickly looks at his left arm and yells, "No, my Rolex!"

Golf is like urinating in a public toilet

- Keep your back straight

- knees bent.

- Feet shoulder width apart.

- Form a loose Grip

- keep your head down

- avoid a quick backswing

- stay out of the water

- try not to hit anybody

- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you

- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others

- be quite when others are about to go

- keep strokes to a minimum

Son walks in on his dad masturbating

Dad tells him "son... you'll be doing this soon".

The son asks "why... because I'm about to hit puberty?"

To which the dad replies "no... because my arm is getting sore"

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.

Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

The US just dropped a new single today

It quickly became the number 1 hit in Afghanistan

Three blonds are out walking in the Forest when they come across a set of tracks

Those are deer tracks! Said the first.

No! They're antelope tracks! Said the second

Oh no... they are definitely bear tracks! said the third.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor?

Because it can't hit home

String Fight

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

The police came to my door last night showing me a picture...

"Is this your wife, sir?" they asked.

"Yes", I replied.

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

"I know, but she's good with the kids."

Please pray for my wife....

A spider bit her on the forehead and she is now in the E.R. They said she almost died.
Lucky for her, I was near and hit the spider as hard as I could with a bat right when it bit her.

Police Officer - "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus".

Man - "Well, I know. But she's a really good cook and she's great with the kids".

Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?

His entire wife flashed before his eyes.

In my day, schooling was so severe.

If we got answers wrong in class,Β teachers would hit us with unbreakable metal rulers.

Tough measures.

A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...

Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the Hell is wrong with you?

Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.

Policeman: You could have hit the 2 men!

Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other one ran towards the wedding party. So I followed him. Β―\\(ツ)/Β―

I knew that sexual fetishes could get more and more perverse over time, but...

...it wasn't till I spanked a statue that I knew I'd hit rock bottom.

A tree will never hit you

They're all bark and no bite

I got hit in the head with a can of Dr. Pepper today

Luckily I'm not hurt, it was a soft drink

How do you discipline your pet rock?

You hit rock bottom

I know a guy who survived an 8000-foot fall out of a plane.

Until he hit the ground.

There is an abundance of thwack jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 84 funniest jokes and hit puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any smash witze you can hear about hit.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes