History Jokes
160 history jokes and hilarious history puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about history that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh your way through the past with these history jokes! From history of fart to a history major's semester syllabus, there are plenty of victors to go around. Whether you're simply a fan of the past or a history buff, these jokes will entertain and enlighten.
Quick Jump To
- Short History Jokes
- History One Liners
- History Class Jokes
- History Teacher Jokes
- Family History Jokes
- World History Jokes
- More History Jokes
Funniest History Short Jokes
Short history jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The history humour may include short historic jokes also.
- My nerdy friend just got a phd on the history of palindromes. We now call him Dr. Awkward.
- I saw my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello. There was too much history between us.
- I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
- Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted
- Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history? People would wait days in line for a single piece
- Greta Thunberg has just been confirmed as a huge polluter. Her Tweet to Tater-Tot was easily the biggest burn in history.
- In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth... and Trump can not tell the difference
- A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!" The man says, "Don't you mean history?"
The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!" - My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me! I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.
- I spotted my ex girlfriend on the other side of the museum hall, but I was too self-conscious to go say hello. There was just too much history between us.
Share These History Jokes With Friends
History One Liners
Which history one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with history? I can suggest the ones about past and profile.
- My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of palindrome. He's now Dr.Awkward.
- A history degree is useless There's no future in it.
- They say history is written by the victors.... But I've never seen an emu write before.
- All you need in life is 1 good friend To delete your web browsing history after you die
- Studying History makes you numb but studying mathematics makes you number.
- Jussie Smollett will go down in history For being the first American to scam Nigerians.
- The r in Gary Oldman … Is the most critical letter in the history of Google searches.
- A history degree is useless Because there's no future in it.
- Reading a great book at the moment called 'The History of Glue' I just cant put it down.
- What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history? The shovel
- Chuck Norris hit the longest home run in MLB history He also caught that ball
- What's the biggest lie in American history? You have 2 minutes uninterrupted.
- Adam and Eve. First people in history to not read the Apple terms and conditions.
- I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers They only care about the dead
- Have you heard about the most famous cow in history? It was Legen-Dairy
History Class Jokes
Here is a list of funny history class jokes and even better history class puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 8 years ago I worked up the courage to ask the shy, beautiful girl who sat next to me in history class to be my girlfriend. Today, I asked her to be my wife. She said no both times.
- In history class today, I learned about Galileo... I already knew that he was a poor boy, from a poor family...
- A joke from Civil War History Class today Teacher asks: 'The southern plantations were very wealthy. Exactly how much of that wealth did the slaves get?'
Student answers: 'A whip' - What's the worst part about history class? Teachers tend to Babylon
- In my history class my professor was talking about the American dream. He asked the German kid if they had a German dream. He responded "Well, we did but no one likes it."
- In history class we got to read on a WW2 topic of our choice. I chose the Manhattan Project. I heard it was the bomb.
- History class joke Teacher: When George was a boy, he chopped down his father's cherry tree, and also admitted it to his father. Why wasn't he punished?
Student: George still had the axe in his hand - I thought of this one in history class today The thing about communist jokes is that everyone has to get them.
- Sometimes I really do regret taking history and geography Every time I'd enter the class room I would exclaim 'oh the humanities!'
- At first I didn't think I needed my History course on Columbus's ships bringing harmful insects to America. But it ended up being an import ant class.
History Teacher Jokes
Here is a list of funny history teacher jokes and even better history teacher puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!" "You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!" - My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay. I got full marx.
- My girlfriend is a history teacher. It's a good job but I have to dump her. She won't stop bringing up the past.
- My History teacher got so angry that I couldn't translate the sequence 50,1,5,1,500 into Roman Numerals You could almost say he was Livid.
- High school laffs In high school once our history teacher asked who bombed pearl harbor, a Japanese kid raised his hand and the teacher said; correct!
- My least favorite subject in school was Ancient History. The teachers tended to Babylon
- I went for a job as a History Teacher once. I changed my mind though. I couldn't see any future in it.
- I used to wonder why my history teachers loved to teach about the Roman Empire so much. I think I get it now. They both hated vandals and goths.
- I met a girl the other day and at first she was rather fun to be around but now she won't stop bringing up the past, It's never been the same since she got that history teacher job.
- Zoology teacher was asked to substitute history teacher's class since he was on leave.. And so he did..
Describe Shahajahan's wife Mumtaz with a neat diagram and label the parts
Family History Jokes
Here is a list of funny family history jokes and even better family history puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If Trump gets elected... ...it will be the first time in History that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.
- Why did the white supremacist start a baking company? Because his family had a long history of being in bread.
- My nephew was doing his history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo? I said, "He was a poor boy, from a poor family."
- Did you know Kim Khardashian's dad was a member of OJ Simpsons legal team? So the whole family has a history of getting black guys off
- At the doctor investigating my stomach issues, I was asked if I had a family history of stomach issues I said why yes, diarrhea runs in my genes.
- Why did Cersei Lannister sent princess Myrcella to Dorne? She knew her family history a little too well.
Myrcella had two brothers. - Two guys are talking about their family histories... GUY 1: Hey, I heard you're Einstein's distant cousin.
GUY 2: I'm not sure, really. It's just a theory of relativity. - My new doctor asked me if there was a history of s**... in my family and I told him no. However, I told him that my wife's family were all a bunch of wankers.
- I sat my son down, and finally showed him a jar full of my baby teeth. It's time he learned an o**... history of the family.
- I've got a long history of s**... in my family; the good news is it skips a generation... so if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
World History Jokes
Here is a list of funny world history jokes and even better world history puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.
- Does the International House of Pancakes answer to the United Nations or is it the other way around? Serious answers only. I'm studying for my AP World History final.
- Donald Trump is the only person in the world who achieved this and made a history. He won an argument against a woman
- The world was a dust cloud, then it solidified, and some fish evolved into a human And the rest was history
- I have my world history final today. Which makes sense, considering it's also the final day of world history.
- Things that have occurred in history since the Chicago Cubs last won a World Series... I had an ice cream cone. That I dripped all over myself.
- I got my history and book reports confused. No wonder why teachers wanted to know why it was titiled "King leopold II: Destroyer of 3rd world"
- Who were the fastest readers in human history? Whoever jumped from the top floor of the World Trade Center, they went through 104 stories in under 10 seconds.
- Who is the world history's worst hairdresser? Delilah. She cut Samson 's hair and lose his super human strength.
- My grandpa downed 21 planes during World War 2 He was, undoubtedly, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe
Rib-Tickling History Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about history you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean biology jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make history pranks.
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
r**... Logic Joke
Two r**..., Hunter and c**... decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the c**... asked.
The counselor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a w**... eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the counselor.
"That's real good!" said c**....
The counselor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, c**... said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
c**... was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the counselor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
c**..., proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Hunter was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked Hunter.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied c**....
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked Hunter.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a w**... eater?" asked c**....
"No," Hunter replied.
"Then you're gay."
The "Age" of Dinosaurs
A woman takes her children to a museum of natural history. As they gaze with wonder at a skeleton of *Tyrannosaurus rex*, she asks a museum guide, a bright-eyed young fellow, "can you tell me how old it is?"
The museum guide responds, "well, ma'am, that particular skeleton is 65 million and 2 years, 4 months, and 25 days old."
"Amazing!" the mother replies. "How can you know that so well?"
"Well," replied the museum guide eagerly, "when I started working here, I asked a scientist working on it the same question. He told me it was 65 million years old. And that was 2 years, 4 months, and 25 days ago."
Biochem professor told me this one today... Who is the all time leading scorer in hockey history?
-(Answer)
-No, no its not him. Its a Japanese guy, the name's Eshutsi.
-Eshutsi? I've never heard of him....
-You haven't? How many times have you heard the announcer say "He shoots he scores!!!"
The Final Exam
The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking their history final then, they decided to find their professor after it was over and explain to her why they had missed it.
They had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, they told her, and had planned to come back in time for the test, but on the way back, they'd taken a short cut down a dirt road and had had a flat tire. They didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and as a result they missed the final.
The Professor thought about it awhile and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated. They studied together that evening and, the next morning, arrived for the test. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem. It asked:
"(For 5 points) On what date was the Declaration of Independence ratified?"
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each in his separate room. "This test is going to be a breeze."
Each wrote July 4, 1776 and then turned the page.
On the second page was written:
"(For 95 points): Which tire?"
The groom, waiting in the church for his bride, has a huge grin on his face...
..."What is wrong with you", asks the best man, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the groom, "Last night, I got the best b**... in the history of blow jobs, and I'm marrying this girl. My life is set." Meanwhile in the bride's room, she too has a huge grin on her face. "What is wrong with you", asks the bride's maid, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the bride, "Last night, I gave the last b**... I ever have to."
Tragedy in Poland
The worst air disaster in Poland's history occurred today when a two-seat Cessna 120 crashed into a cemetery.
So far 374 bodies have been found.
Polish search and rescue officials indicate that the number will probably rise as they continue to dig.
Last Names.
It's commonly known that a lot of last names originate from an ancestor's profession, or what they were known for, hundreds of years ago.
If your last name is Smith, it's likely one of your ancestors was a blacksmith.
If your last name is Cooper, they may have been a cooper, who were known for making barrels.
If your last name is Dickinson I wouldn't delve too deep into your family history.
A man goes into a bank...
...and proceeds to walk up to the nearest bank teller and pulls out a gun:
"Make one wrong move and you're geography!"
"Don't you mean history?" asks the teller
"Don't change the subject!"
There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...
Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.
Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.
Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.
A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe.
---
Credit goes to the play: The Complete History of America: Abridged
Steven Spielberg is casting for his upcoming blockbuster on the history of classical music.
He asks his stars who they want to play. Brad Pitt says, "I want to be Mozart. His pastiche of influences from several European countries has always fascinated me." Tom Cruise chimes in with, "I'd like to be Beethoven. I love the way he handled the transition from Classicism to Romanticism." Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."
So a guy walks into a bank with a gun and walks up to the teller...
Bank Robber: Put all your money in this bag or you're geography!
Bank Teller: Don't you mean history?
Bank Robber: Hey! Don't try to change the subject!
Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...
Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'
Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."
the most famous person in the history of the world
The teacher addressed his class,"I'll give five dollars to anybody who can name the most famous person in the history of the world."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said,"St. Patrick."
"Sorry Seamus, that's not correct."
Then a French boy raised his hand and said,"Napoleon."
The teacher replied,"I'm sorry, Jean, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and answered,"Jesus Christ."
"That's right, David! You win the five dollars. Congratulations!" As the teacher was handing over the cash he said,"You know David, I'm surprised you said Jesus Christ."
"Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses. But business is business."
A British man visits Australia
A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"
The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"
A man has an appointment with a urologist.
The man is sitting on the examination table when the Urologist walks in. The urologist glances at the man's medical history, makes a few notes and then says: "Look, I hate to break it to you, but you have to stop m**...."
The man frowns and says, "Why, Doc?"
The urologist responds: "So I can examine you."
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London...
As they went past the Tower of London the cabbie explained what the building was and provided a brief history. Upon hearing that its construction started in 1346 and was completed in 1412, the Texan stated, "Really? A little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament, and the cabbie again gave a brief history, omitting the construction dates this time. However, being eager to brag, the Texan questioned its construction too. The cabbie replied that it was built in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well, boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a month!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent.
"Well? What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
The annoyed cabbie scratches his head and replied "I haven't the foggiest idea, Sir. It wasn't there yesterday!"
"Why is there a Women's Studies Major, but not a Men's Studies Major"
"There is a Men's Studies major, its called history"
A 10 years old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom in Pennsylvania yesterday
.... when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life his family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia 76ers whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
A teen is telling his parents what he wants to major in
"I want to be a history major," he says.
The dad responds, "No you don't! There's no future in it!"
1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning.
1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.
A robber burst into a bank brandishing a gun and yelled at the teller.
"Give me the money! One false move and you're geography!"
The teller said "Don't you mean history?"
The robber screamed "Don't change the subject!"
The history of the c**....
In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first c**... using a sheeps lower intestine.
In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first.
~ Obligatory edit. No, it took them 601 years to get the welsh out of the sheep to make the condoms.
Have you heard about the curator of the Slavic History exhibit?
He's forever Russian around, Czeching that everything gets Polished
It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-
A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.
Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.
Before leaving for the convention center on Election night, Hilary told Bill: "Tonight, for the first time in history, America will finally have two presidents sleeping with each other"...
When she got home, Bill was already eagerly waiting in bed, and he said:
"Is Trump on his way or should I drive to his place?"
Did you hear about the italian chef that died?
He pasta away
We cannoli do so much,
His legacy will become a pizza history.
Here today gone tomato.
How sad he ran out of thyme,
Sending olive my prayers to the family.
His wife is really upset, Cheese still not over it.
You never saussage a tragic thing.
Because
some people just want to watch the world burn!
My wife thinks I might be gay. I'm so relieved...
That means she definitely hasn't been checking my browsing history
What do you call a female Chinese newborn?
A youth-in-Asia
^(Yes. I'm 100% aware I'm the worst person in history)
I'm not panicking yet about ISPs selling my browser history to advertising companies...
On the other hand, when they offer to sell my browsing history to my wife, that would be the appropriate time to panic!
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, s**... this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2017 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
Did you hear about the Italian Chef who died?
He pasta way.
I never sausage a tragic thing.
He is now a pizza history.
Sending olive my support to his family.
We cannoli do so much though.
I feel for his wife. Cheese still not over it.
I guess he just ran out of thyme.
Mugger: Give me all your stuff or you're science!
Me: Don't you mean history?
Mugger: Don't try to change the subject!
I hate it when
I hate it when engineering students call themselves engineer.
I don't see medical students calling themselves doctor or history students calling themselves unemployed
Those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it.
Those who fail to clear their history are doomed to explain it.
An attractive woman was reading The History of p**... on the bus the other day...
... I struck up a conversations opening with "That seems interesting"
She responds: "It really is! Did you know that Native Americans have the longest p**... in the world? And Poles the girthiest!"
She extends her hand, I grab it and say... "Tonto Polanski, pleasure to meet you"
Lucy, Linus, and Charlie Brown are assigned a history project.
Each person was assigned a country to report on.
Wow! Lucy said. I got Italy!
Interesting exclaimed Linus. I got Germany.
With dismay, Charlie Brown said, I got Iraq.
Best Joke in the history of jokes, maybe ever
2 guys are hunting in the woods. The first guy faints and stops breathing. The second guy calls 911 and they say "911, what's your emergency?".
The guy says "My friend and I were hunting in the woods and he fainted. I think he's dead."
The 911 operator responds "First make sure that he is dead before anything"
A loud shot is heard. The guy then says "Ok, what do I do next"
My wife asked me why I never go to Confession.
I told her I just clear my browser history when I want to wash away my sins.
Everybody is saying Harvey Weinstein is the worst person in history, but I think they're forgetting that h**... is the worst person in history
I mean if he finished what he started, we wouldn't have to deal with Weinstein
String Fight
My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.
A guy is visiting a museum of natural history.
He's examining some fossils when he asks a curator how old they are.
"Those fossils are 65 million years and six months old." The curator says. The man asks the curator how he can know the age of the fossils so precisely.
"Because they were 65 million years old when I started here six months ago."
A man robs a bank.
Robber: Give me all your money or you're geography!
Employee: Don't you mean history?
Robber: Don't change the subject...
I was being mugged the other day...
The guy said, "Give me all your money or else you're biology!"
I said, "Don't you mean history?"
He told me "Don't change the subject!"
I used to know an Italian chef.
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I feel horrible, he just ran out of thyme.
I am sending olive my love to his friends. His wife is really upset too. Cheese crying. He died fusilli reasons. I never sausage a tragic situation.
it was a farfalle from grace.
A wife tells her husband that she's discovered his secret f**... via his search history...
"It was a weird one for sure," she says, "but I think I can make it work without being too embarrassed, as long as you don't film it." He accepts.
Later that night, he asks her if she wants to try it. She smiles, begins to undress, and goes "SKIPPITY BEE BOP BEE BOP DUP-A DUAAA"
A documentary about the history of the computer desktop was recently given an R rating...
Turns out every icon was a little graphic.
This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...
a Mexican stand off.
The year is 2540, a student notices something odd about his history book
How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999? He asks
The teacher puts down his marker, lowers his head and sighs.
Because... he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, ...only 90's kids remember the 90's
Issac Newton died a v**... so I already one up a genius from history
Because I'm not dead.
I made this joke up on the way home from work, sorry if it s**...: A history teacher tells a failing student that those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
Student: But history is so boring!
Teacher: Well, if you don't do better you'll be retaking it next year.
Student: What??
Teacher: I TOLD you, those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it!
An original joke from my 7 year old daughter
Did you hear the joke about the piece of paper?
Don't worry about it, it's tearable!
{I'm sure someone in history has used this pun, but I was pretty impressed with her effort!}
If you're concerned about your new partner's s**... history, and you don't want to catch g**... warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.
So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.
Entire Russian history in five words
Russian history in five words: "And then things got worse."
My history teacher told us that if a nuclear bomb was closely approaching, being flexible would be very helpful.
It's so that you can bend your body and kiss your a**... goodbye.
Welcome to Australia!
A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"
I have just finished the entire history of lubricant
It's the best non friction book I've ever read.
Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
random pandemic question
According to history class, they organized wild o**... in the Middle Ages after the victory over the Plague. Is there anything planned yet? I ask for a friend.
John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon...
History shows if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after an airport.
A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?"
He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."
"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"
"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old. And I started here fourteen years and three months ago."
I got caught faking my way through an ancient history course
I failed because Greek mythology is my Achilles horse
