Hiring Jokes
105 hiring jokes and hilarious hiring puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hiring that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you a hiring manager looking for a little humor during the recruitment process? Check out this article for some of the funniest jokes about hiring! From managers to being hired, these memes will bring a lightness to any recruitment conversation.
Funniest Hiring Short Jokes
Short hiring jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hiring humour may include short hires jokes also.
- The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels Now you know who the best people are
- I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues: 1. How to tell this to my wife
2. Where to find a 1 year old baby - Interviewer: Can you explain these 4 jobless years in your resume? Applicant: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Impressive! You are hired!
Applicant: Thanks, I really need this yob. - Interviewer: How do you explain the five-year gap on your resume? Me: Oh, that was when I went to Yale.
Interviwer: Amazing! You're hired.
Me: Yay, I got a yob! - Old McDonald had to hire a manager for the farm. The manager asked, "What's my title?" mcdonald said, "You're the C I E I O."
- A coworker named Celcius recently retired from my company, so they hired a guy called Kelvin to replace him. He's the new temp.
- My friend just hired a limo for £1000 but it didn't come with a driver Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it
- A shout out to Jussie Smollette On hiring black actors for what has been a traditionally white role.
- You can really see how much Trump cares about creating jobs in this country The White House seems to always be hiring.
- I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room... ...they hired me.
Share These Hiring Jokes With Friends
Hiring One Liners
Which hiring one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hiring? I can suggest the ones about recruitment and job searching.
- If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up... He should have just hired her!
- My friend has hired a Butler without a left arm. Serves him right.
- I hired a Russian chauffeur the other day... his name was Pikup Andropov
- What do you call someone who only hires male masseurs? A massage-onist.
(OC) - I finally got hired at the local adult store First day on the job I got a raise!
- Why did the koala bear get hired? He was the most koalafied.
- Is the bakery hiring? Cause I think I'll knead a little bit of dough to get by.
- Today I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn He just wasn't cutting it
- Why didn't the polite coder get hired? The job required SASS
- Why did Sean Connery hire a special kid to clean his kitchen? He had Dish-abilities
- The Etch a Sketch company was struggling But they hired me to shake things up
- Why do ballet dancers always stand on their toes? Could they not hire taller dancers?
- I just got hired at the helium factory I find the job uplifting.
- An arsonist is hired to burn down a slaughterhouse... The job was well done.
- I hired a hitman to clean up my sewing He has been tying up all the loose ends.
Hiring Manager Jokes
Here is a list of funny hiring manager jokes and even better hiring manager puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A hiring manager had a stack of resumes, took half, and threw them in the trash... Coworker asks, "what are you doing!?!"
HR Manager said, "I don't like to hire unlucky people." - At a recent job interview, the hiring manager asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said no, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody. - A diver is applying a job Hiring manager: what is your ability?
Diver: i can work under pressure - Why did Johnny Sins get fired from his job as a hiring manager Because he was putting people in positions they didn't apply for.
- At a job interview: The HR manager: What would you say is your biggest weakness?
Applicant: I never know when to quit.
Manager: That seems ok, you're hired.
Applicant: I quit! - Microsoft has hired a new project manager: Hermione Granger... She's in charge of spell-check.
- It's best to hire people with anger issues into high positions Most of them have already had management training
- A man walks into a restaurant After some time, he says "This business is stupud and you only hires idiots!" , so the manager said "did you want an application?"
- When I'm a hiring manager and I receive a pile of CVs I throw half of the pile in the trash. I don't want unlucky people working in my department.
- How to live forever? Hire a project manager to plan your death.
Cheeky Hiring Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about hiring you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean firing jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hiring pranks.
My company is hiring someone for a Business Development, Sales and Marketing position...
They're gonna call the new hire the b**... Executive.
Are you still looking for a job?
I hear they're hiring at the zoo circumcising elephants. The pay is small, but the tips are big!
Asked a friend if the hotel in town was hiring.
"I don't know, I bet you could check into it, though."
Magento Development Sevice
With ecommerce gaining huge popularity worldwide, hiring a professional magento development service provides attractive features for ecommerce websites. With a professional service, one can get customized solutions for trade websites.
TIFU by hiring a registered s**... offender as a replacement teacher
Oops wrong sub.
TIFU by hiring a h**... for the wife experience
She took all my money and went shoe shopping.
Johnny's parents hired a tutor to help him with statistics
after his first session with the tutor, his parents asked him how it went.
johnny said "well, today i learned that correlation is not equal to causation"
johnny's mother was pleased: "so hiring this tutor is really helping you understand statistics!?"
johnny responded "well, not necessarily."
How is using the Pirate Bay like hiring a p**...?
Only nerds brag about doing it
What's best about hiring an immigrant midget?
You pay them under the table ;)
Getting a job right out of college...
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads.
REQUIREMENTS: 5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and super powers.
"Chinese programmers are now hiring female cheerleaders for support in the work place"
*Give me a 1!*
*Give me a 0!*
*Give me a 1!*
*Give me a 0!*
Follow your dreams, do what you love, and you'll never work a day in your life!
Because they're not hiring in that field.
Obama bans hiring bias against ex-cons seeking federal jobs
He was quoted as says, "well, we politicians need somewhere to work after leaving office".
Why did Jared decide to gain all of his weight back?
The mall is hiring new Santas.
If I am ever put in charge of hiring at my company ...
... I will randomly divide the stack of applications into two piles and then throw one of them away.
I just don't want to work with unlucky people.
What does it mean when you see a flag flying at half-mast outside of a mostly white high school?"
They're hiring.
What does going to a yoga class and hiring Jared Fogle as your babysitter have in common?
Either way, something's getting stretched out.
I just put a girl in the hospital.
I'm in charge of hiring new nurses.
What do you call hiring German engineers to work on your overseas project?
Krautsourcing
Why hiring foreign workers can be bad...
Boss: Where were you born?
Woman: Germany
Boss: Really? Which part?
Woman: what you mean which part? Whole body born in Germany!
Dallas Police is hiring
As of Friday morning they have 5 positions to fill
They say choose a major you love and you'll never work a day in your life...
because that field probably isn't hiring.
My local feminist charity is hiring. I found their recruitment slogan to be a bit counterintuitive...
"Girl power needs manpower."
Apple is hiring McDonald's employees....
.....Do you want a Dongle with that?
Voting for Hillary because of her political experience is like...
Hiring h**... as a birthday magician because he made 6,000,000 people disappear.
Just think of the money we could have saved with Hillary.
We would have saved 24% by hiring a woman.
Despite all the hype, it was a mistake hiring a homeless personal trainer.
I've been high in tent city training every day, but its not helping with my goals.
What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself?
One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.
I want a job where I can really make change, instead of what I'm doing now.
Anyone know any cashier jobs hiring?
Study what you love and you'll never work a day in your life.
Because nobody is hiring in your field.
They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life"
They are darn right,
that field isn't hiring!
TIFU by hiring a homeless man to teach my students while I was sick.
Whoops, wrong sub.
Why are women so upset with the gender hiring equality in the Post Office?
Because it's such a mail dominated industry
I asked my boss
I asked my new boss why she wasn't wearing any green today. She told me she didn't feel right celebrating St. p**...'s day since she didn't have an Irish bone in her body. I asked her if she wanted one.
Know anyone hiring?
The McLaren Formula 1 team has begun hiring mechanics with trisomy 21
You know, for the extra Down force.
In a new store's front window there was a hiring sign
ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
$35,000 - $40,000
An engineer sees the sign, enters the store and yells:
-There is no need for an accountant! The answer is -$5,000!
Long Range s**... Rifle: $5,000. Hiring an assassin: $10,000.
Having Mike Pence assassinated? Viceless.
IAmA teacher, and the other day I messed up by hiring the wrong substitute for my history class.
Whoops, wrong sub.
Whats the best part about hiring a p**...?
Finishing early is pleasurable the them.
A dog walks into a bar
The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"
I have struggled too long with pasta addiction
so I'm hiring a personal strainer.
The midget s**... club down the street is hiring.
They must be short staffed.
LPT: Be wary of catching h**... when dining at All You Can Eat Crab spots..
I mean, $20 is a great deal but I need to start hiring better quality prostitutes.
A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...
The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"
"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."
*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job.*
So I found out this guy was literally throwing my throw pillows.
I really regret hiring him as my babysitter.
Did you notice the pastry factory is always hiring?
They must have a high turnover-rate.
What is the largest barrier to women's advancement in the work place?
The wives of the men in hiring positions.
I'm skeptical about hiring a carpenter to make my furniture
But I'm sure it woodwork
I heard google was hiring
you cant spell internet without intern
I've been hiring a blind p**... lately,
And I really have to hand it to her.
We're hiring: a mime needed!
We require you to be able to think outside the box, give us a shout and we'll tell you more!
Why do the police not mind hiring a colorblind cop?
They can still tell black from white.
Job Opportunity for Flat Earthers
Because of the recent Arctic cold snap. Delta Airlines has been hiring de-icers in their Atlanta hub for the expected crowds at SuperBowl. Most of the jobs have been going to Flat Earthers, because by definition, they don't believe in *Global* Warming but are fine with Plane Warming.
Interviewer : Why Should We Hire you ?
Me : Because you are Hiring ......
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Popeyes was hiring.
Choir School
Do you know why choir school is hiring?
If you major in a field you love, you'll never have to work another day
because that field is probably not hiring
The dog says, "Gimme a beer."
The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"
They say if you do what you love you'll never work a day in your life
Because they're probably not hiring
Did you hear the zoo is hiring someone to perform elephant circumcisions?
The pay's not great, but the tips are pretty big.
I'm thinking of hiring an elephant.
I hear they work for peanuts.
Hiring a p**... is a lot like eating at Subway
You pay someone else to do your wife's job.
When you're hiring for your business, take the stack of applications, and throw half of them out without reading them.
You don't want to be surrounded by unlucky people, do you?
Two Irishmen walked up to a logging company...
Two Irishmen walked up to a logging company, when they saw a poster :
"Tree fellers wanted! We are hiring"
"That's a shame" , said one of the Irishmen , "There's only two of us!
Joe is hiring a hitman from a well respected mafioso to kill his business partner.
The man asks, "How do I know you won't just let him pay you twice as much, and then kill me?"
The mob boss leans back and says, "Well Joe, you can always get the insurance policy."
"Insurance policy?"
"Yeah. For five times the fee I absolutely guarantee that the other guy can no longer afford to."
Why did the general contractor insist on hiring a drag queen to install the house's front door?
Because a drag queen always knows how to make an entrance.
A dog is looking for work...
He stumbles across an open construction site with a hiring sign.
The dog goes to the foreman and says he's willing to work and can start immediately. The foreman asks the dog if he has any experience with carpentry and construction.
The dog replies, "Some; I've got a lot of experience with *woofing*!"
Signs of our times
My brother says hiring in California is so low, they updated the policy - Long hair freaky people "may" apply.
A man has an interview for a Sales Manager position at a company.
During the interview, the Hiring Manager pulls out a brand new laptop and sets it on the desk in front of him.
If you're as good as you say you are – sell me this laptop.
The man picks the device up, studied it for a few seconds, then puts it under his arm and walks out the door.
He's halfway down the hall when the Hiring Manager shouts, Hey! Bring me back that laptop!
To which the man turns and replies, £200 and it's yours.
What do you call the expense of hiring an Irish lady to watch your kids?
Nanny McFee
a dog walks into a bar
he orders a root beer and a plate of fries.
holy s**...! bartender says, a talking dog, you should join the circus!
circus? the dog says, why, are they hiring an electrician?
Two eagles walk into a law firm looking for a job
The hiring manager asks, "So why should I hire you two?"
And the eagles say, "Well, we've been eagles since the day we hatched from our eggs. You're never going to find a para-eagles better than us!"
