Hired Jokes

140 hired jokes and hilarious hired puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hired that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Hired Short Jokes

Short hired jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hired humour may include short hires jokes also.

  1. The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels Now you know who the best people are
  2. I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues: 1. How to tell this to my wife
    2. Where to find a 1 year old baby
  3. Interviewer: Can you explain these 4 jobless years in your resume? Applicant: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Impressive! You are hired!
    Applicant: Thanks, I really need this yob.
  4. Interviewer: How do you explain the five-year gap on your resume? Me: Oh, that was when I went to Yale.
    Interviwer: Amazing! You're hired.
    Me: Yay, I got a yob!
  5. Old McDonald had to hire a manager for the farm. The manager asked, "What's my title?" mcdonald said, "You're the C I E I O."
  6. A coworker named Celcius recently retired from my company, so they hired a guy called Kelvin to replace him. He's the new temp.
  7. My friend just hired a limo for £1000 but it didn't come with a driver Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it
  8. A shout out to Jussie Smollette On hiring black actors for what has been a traditionally white role.
  9. You can really see how much Trump cares about creating jobs in this country The White House seems to always be hiring.
  10. I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room... ...they hired me.

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Hired One Liners

Which hired one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hired? I can suggest the ones about hiring and rented.

  1. If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up... He should have just hired her!
  2. My friend has hired a Butler without a left arm. Serves him right.
  3. I hired a Russian chauffeur the other day... his name was Pikup Andropov
  4. What do you call someone who only hires male masseurs? A massage-onist.
  5. I finally got hired at the local adult store First day on the job I got a raise!
  6. Why did the koala bear get hired? He was the most koalafied.
  7. Is the bakery hiring? Cause I think I'll knead a little bit of dough to get by.
  8. Today I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn He just wasn't cutting it
  9. Why didn't the polite coder get hired? The job required SASS
  10. Why did Sean Connery hire a special kid to clean his kitchen? He had Dish-abilities
  11. The Etch a Sketch company was struggling But they hired me to shake things up
  12. Why do ballet dancers always stand on their toes? Could they not hire taller dancers?
  13. I just got hired at the helium factory I find the job uplifting.
  14. An arsonist is hired to burn down a slaughterhouse... The job was well done.
  15. I hired a hitman to clean up my sewing He has been tying up all the loose ends.

Hitman Hired Jokes

Here is a list of funny hitman hired jokes and even better hitman hired puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A husband hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years Hitman: I will shoot her just below her left breast.
    Husband: How is shooting her in the knee going to kill her?
  • I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help. I told her I don't have the money to hire a hitman.
  • My Friend misses his girl all the time, it makes me mad I tell him he should just hire a hitman.
  • Why did Angelina Jolie hire a hitman to kill her? Because her family wouldn't have handled the youth in Asia.
  • What did the sports drink owner hire the Italian butcher turned hitman to do? Capicola
  • How do you take care of a baby? Hire a hitman
  • Hitman is hired to kill a cow A hitman was hired to m**... a cow in a field using only a porcelain figurine. This is the only known case of a knick knack patty whack.
Hired joke, Hitman is hired to kill a cow

Charming Humor Hired Jokes with Loads of Fun

What funny jokes about hired you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fired jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hired pranks.

John( talking to his counselor ): My wife just hired a young,handsome and muscular man to be our driver..

Counselor: So,you're jealous?
John: No,im just wondering?
Counselor: Wondering about what?
John: We dont have a car.

I used to work at an orange juice factory but was fired because I couldn't concentrate.

So I tried my hand at being a lumberjack. I couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
Then i gave being a barber a go. But I didn't cut it.
I was then hired as a tailor and found I wasn't suited for the job.

Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years...

...until he found a way to overcome this problem.
His friends noticed the dramatic change.
"You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, Tom replied.
'I haven't had a single problem since."
"A thousand a week," said Doug. "You can't afford that, how are you going to pay him?"
"Tom replied, "That's his problem."

I hired a Japanese h**... last night, and she showed up nearly two hours late..

She loved me wrong time

An American businessman was in Japan...

He hired a local h**... and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

The Montana Department of Employment

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.

BREAKING NEWS: Patriots admit tim tebow hired by mistake.

After tight end Aaron Hernandez request for white Bronco.

The Friend zone.

It's like being turned down for a job, then they call you a week later complaining about the person they hired.

A blonde and her friend...

Are recently hired putting up siding on a house. They're working on opposite sides so the first one goes to check on the second. She watches as she pulls a nail from her bag, lookas at it, and throws it away. She hollers up and asks what that was about. The second blonde says some of the nails are defective. The point is facing the wrong way so she throws those out. The first blonde says, " You idiot! They aren't defective, they're for the other side of the house "

p**... the irishman gets a job

p**... and his friend were hired to install telegraph poles.
After his first day his boss approaches and asks how many poles he put down yesterday.
p**... says "2"
"2!!" says his boss, "My other guys can put 10-15 poles in a day"
"yes, but do you see how far theirs are sticking out of the ground"

Did you hear The Pentagon was actually supposed to be an octagon?

but they hired a government contractor that cut corners

Johnny's parents hired a tutor to help him with statistics

after his first session with the tutor, his parents asked him how it went.
johnny said "well, today i learned that correlation is not equal to causation"
johnny's mother was pleased: "so hiring this tutor is really helping you understand statistics!?"
johnny responded "well, not necessarily."

The nfl has hired their first female referee.

She will throw the flag for penalties the team committed 5 years ago.

My mate just hired an Eastern european cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

I just got hired as a garbage truck driver.

There was no training, but I think I'll pick it up as i go along.

A Monkey passes away at a zoo, and they have no other Monkey's in the zoo

A desperate man is hired to dress in a Monkey Suit, after a few days he somehow falls into the lion pit. Suddenly he is yelling for help, the Lion approaches him and says, "Shut up or you're gonna get us both fired!"

A gas station had 2 signs in the window, help wanted and self-service.

I walked in and hired myself.

A man goes to a job interview...

His resume was fantastic and his qualities was perfect for the company. The interviewers were impressed.
"You are a strong candidate, and we would like to hire you. However, there's this 5 years gap in your resume. What were you doing during that time?"
"I went to Yale"
"Wow great! You're hired"
"Yay, I got a yob!"

We hired a teenage girl at my hardware store

I was showing her around the aisles when I picked up something off the shelf and pointed it at my self and made a beeping sound.
I said, "This is a stud-finder" and laughed.
She pulled up her sleeve, showed me her FitBit and made a beeping sound. She said, "This is a p**...-meter."

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"

What are the two things someone with a face tattoo never hears?

"You're hired"
"Not guilty"

A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"

Not to brag, but I just got a job as a fitness model...

They hired me as the "before" picture.

Fill out job applications in crayon...

...and if you don't get hired, just blame it on your color.

A man was in Japan, and had hired a p**...

And as he was going at it, she was screaming "Fujifoo! Fujifoo!"
He took this as that she was screaming with pleasure, and kept going.
The next day, he was playing golf with some Japanese friends. On one hole, he manages to score a hole in one. He jumps up into the air and exclaims "Fujifoo!"
His friends say to him "No, no, it's the right hole..."

How do you think bus driver interviews go?

Applicant: Sorry I'm late!
Interviewer: You're hired!

My paper towels went missing

so I hired a Bounty hunter.

A guy was nailing his interview

A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".
The guy says "oh I went to yale".
The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start monday"
Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"

How many Feminists did it take to change the lightbulb?

None, we hired a handyman since his work was better for same equal pay.

A woman came in for a job interview wearing an abacus on her head. I hired her right on the spot.

It's so hard to find employees who you can count on.

My dad was trembling when I told him me and my brother had gotten hired as valets.

I guess he really didn't like the idea of having parking sons.

A man applies for a job with the local police.

The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."
Guy replies "Why the cat?"
Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo...

To help him, he hired a Native American scout.
The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.
After riding awhile, the scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmmm, buffalo come."
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing.
He is confused and says to the scout, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
The scout replies, "Ear sticky".

A guy was nailing his interview and the employer said "well application looks great but there's a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened?"

The guy says "oh I went to yale",
The employer: Oh great your hired you start Monday.
Guy: "Yay I got a yob!"

An engineer, a mathmetician, and a physicist are hired by a farmer to build the smallest fence possible to hold all his sheep.

The physicist makes a large fence and gradually shrinks it over and over until he cannot shrink it any further.
The engineer stacks all the sheep in a specific way and builds a small fence around them.
The mathmetician builds a tiny fence around himself and then defines himself as outside the fence.

A man went to China.

He hired a p**... to keep him company during the night, and when things got serious, she kept shouting a word in Chinese.
The next day, the man went to a golf course with a couple of business associates. They had a good afternoon until a person hit a hole in one. Everyone started shouting in excitement, and the man decided to join in, shouting the word he hears last night, thinking it was that of excitement.
Everyone turned to the man in silence. After a full minute of awkward silence, the one who made the shot asked "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

I was a little anxious when I hired an assassin to kill my best friend,

...but the veterinarian said they do this all the time.

My girlfriend told me she wanted someone who treated her like a princess

So I hired paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car accident.

A comedian was hired to cheer up a group of suicidal patients.

I hear his jokes killed.

How to use and 5 times in a row grammatically

A man owned a store called This And That and hired another man to make a sign for it.
When it was finished the owner inspected the work.
He discovered that the spaces were wrong so he said, The space between This and And and And and That is different. Please fix it

ESPN literally hired a potato for one of its broadcasts

When asked why they responded that they needed a common tater.

Another interview joke

During a job interview, the interviewer asks, I noticed a 6 year gap in your resume. How do you account for this period of time?
The applicant responds, I went to Yale.
Excited, the interviewer says, Yale?!? You're hired!
The applicant replies, Yay! I got a yob!

Yet another job Interview joke

Interviewer: So what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Candidate: I never know when to quit.
Interviewer: Well that can always be turned to our advantage! Congratulations, you're hired.
Candidate: *I quit*

At a job interview:

The HR manager: What would you say is your biggest weakness?
Applicant: I never know when to quit.
Manager: That seems ok, you're hired.
Applicant: I quit!

The interviewer asked me to show him an example of leadership skills.

"OK," I replied. "I'm hired."

The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice

His new apprentice was willing to work long, hard hours.
One day he instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith.

What's the difference between a hired detective and a Gynecologist?

Ones a Private Investigator, the others a Privates Investigator

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

The job interviewer asked...

The job interviewer asked: "What's your biggest weakness?"
Me: "I don't know when to quit..."
Interviewer: "You're hired!"
Me: "I quit."

I hired some lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.

They lost my case.

I didn't trust my wife home alone with the roofers...

So I hired an all gay roofing crew. I don't know if it worked worked, she said they've been outside b**... all day.

I'm a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.

I said well it was 65 millions years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.

Recruiter: "what's your biggest weakness?"

"I don't know when to quit."
"You are hired!"
"I quit."

But the time traveler didn't get hired

A time traveler went to an interview to get a job . . .

I hired a bee to run my IT security department

He makes really good honeypots

Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.

She's an essential oil worker now.

My wife said s**... has become a chore.

So for mothers day I've hired her some help.

Was recently hired as beauty product model...

I was the "before" model.

I hear that the Government hired Stanley Kubrick to help film The Fake Moon Landing

But since Kubrick was such a perfectionist he forced the Government to film on location.

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied, "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed, "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says, "Yay, I got a yob!"

Interviewer: "How do you explain the three year gap on your resume?"

Dave : "Oh! That was when I went to Yale!"
Interviewer: "Amazing! You're hired!"
Dave: "Hurray! I got a yob!"

Job interview

Job interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when i went to yale.
Interviewer: That's impressive. Your hired
Me: Thanks i really needed this yob.

My friend just hired a limo for a $1000 but it didn't come with a driver !

Imagine spending all that money and having nothing to chauffeur it

Interviewer : What's your biggest strength?

Me : I'm good at Machine Learning
Interviewer : Okay, what's 21+17
Me : It's 5
Interviewer : Not even close. It's 38
Me : It's 20
Interviewer : I said it's 38
Me : It's 35
Interviewer : It's still 38....
Me : It's 38
Interviewer : Hired!

Boss: Why do you-

Me: *sshhh*
Boss: What is your biggest wea-
Me: *sshhh*
Boss: (whispering) you're hired. Welcome to the library.

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That's when I went to Yale...
Interviewer: That's impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this yob.

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said "Your first job will be to sweep out the store.
But I'm a college graduate! the young man replied indignantly.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that" said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how...

I hired a guy to represent me in court today.

He was very cheap and brought me the best cup of coffee. Unfortunately we lost the case.
He told me next time hire a barrister and not a barista.

Dude is late for job interview for a bus driver.

Dude: Sorry, I'm late.
Interviewer: you're hired.

My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"

Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.

I hired a new driver last month...

He always goes the extra mile.
I need a new driver.

Hired joke, I hired a new driver last month...

jokes about hired