The Best 87 Hired Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Hired jokes. There are some hired applicant jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these hired employ puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Hired Jokes and Puns
John( talking to his counselor ): My wife just hired a young,handsome and muscular man to be our driver..
Counselor: So,you're jealous?
John: No,im just wondering?
Counselor: Wondering about what?
John: We dont have a car.
I used to work at an orange juice factory but was fired because I couldn't concentrate.
So I tried my hand at being a lumberjack. I couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
Then i gave being a barber a go. But I didn't cut it.
I was then hired as a tailor and found I wasn't suited for the job.
Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years...
...until he found a way to overcome this problem.
His friends noticed the dramatic change.
"You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, Tom replied.
'I haven't had a single problem since."
"A thousand a week," said Doug. "You can't afford that, how are you going to pay him?"
"Tom replied, "That's his problem."
An American businessman was in Japan...
He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."
The Montana Department of Employment
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.
The Friend zone.
It's like being turned down for a job, then they call you a week later complaining about the person they hired.
Paddy the irishman gets a job
Paddy and his friend were hired to install telegraph poles.
After his first day his boss approaches and asks how many poles he put down yesterday.
paddy says "2"
"2!!" says his boss, "My other guys can put 10-15 poles in a day"
"yes, but do you see how far theirs are sticking out of the ground"
Did you hear The Pentagon was actually supposed to be an octagon?
but they hired a government contractor that cut corners
Johnny's parents hired a tutor to help him with statistics
after his first session with the tutor, his parents asked him how it went.
johnny said "well, today i learned that correlation is not equal to causation"
johnny's mother was pleased: "so hiring this tutor is really helping you understand statistics!?"
johnny responded "well, not necessarily."
I finally got hired at the local adult store
First day on the job I got a raise!
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw the flag for penalties the team committed 5 years ago.
You can explore hired paid reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean hired underqualified dad jokes. There are also hired puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak.
I just got hired as a garbage truck driver.
There was no training, but I think I'll pick it up as i go along.
A Monkey passes away at a zoo, and they have no other Monkey's in the zoo
A desperate man is hired to dress in a Monkey Suit, after a few days he somehow falls into the lion pit. Suddenly he is yelling for help, the Lion approaches him and says, "Shut up or you're gonna get us both fired!"
A gas station had 2 signs in the window, help wanted and self-service.
I walked in and hired myself.
cr
A man goes to a job interview...
His resume was fantastic and his qualities was perfect for the company. The interviewers were impressed.
"You are a strong candidate, and we would like to hire you. However, there's this 5 years gap in your resume. What were you doing during that time?"
"I went to Yale"
"Wow great! You're hired"
"Yay, I got a yob!"
A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor
So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"
A man goes into a job interview
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"
An arsonist is hired to burn down a slaughterhouse...
The job was well done.
Not to brag, but I just got a job as a fitness model...
They hired me as the "before" picture.
Fill out job applications in crayon...
...and if you don't get hired, just blame it on your color.
A man was in Japan, and had hired a prostitute
And as he was going at it, she was screaming "Fujifoo! Fujifoo!"
He took this as that she was screaming with pleasure, and kept going.
The next day, he was playing golf with some Japanese friends. On one hole, he manages to score a hole in one. He jumps up into the air and exclaims "Fujifoo!"
His friends say to him "No, no, it's the right hole..."
How do you think bus driver interviews go?
Applicant: Sorry I'm late!
Interviewer: You're hired!
My paper towels went missing
so I hired a Bounty hunter.
A guy was nailing his interview
A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".
The guy says "oh I went to yale".
The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start monday"
Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"
Why didn't the polite coder get hired?
The job required SASS
My dad was trembling when I told him me and my brother had gotten hired as valets.
I guess he really didn't like the idea of having parking sons.
A man applies for a job with the local police.
The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."
Guy replies "Why the cat?"
Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo...
To help him, he hired a Native American scout.
The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.
After riding awhile, the scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmmm, buffalo come."
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing.
He is confused and says to the scout, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
The scout replies, "Ear sticky".
A guy was nailing his interview and the employer said "well application looks great but there's a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened?"
The guy says "oh I went to yale",
The employer: Oh great your hired you start Monday.
Guy: "Yay I got a yob!"
An engineer, a mathmetician, and a physicist are hired by a farmer to build the smallest fence possible to hold all his sheep.
The physicist makes a large fence and gradually shrinks it over and over until he cannot shrink it any further.
The engineer stacks all the sheep in a specific way and builds a small fence around them.
The mathmetician builds a tiny fence around himself and then defines himself as outside the fence.
A man went to China.
He hired a prostitute to keep him company during the night, and when things got serious, she kept shouting a word in Chinese.
The next day, the man went to a golf course with a couple of business associates. They had a good afternoon until a person hit a hole in one. Everyone started shouting in excitement, and the man decided to join in, shouting the word he hears last night, thinking it was that of excitement.
Everyone turned to the man in silence. After a full minute of awkward silence, the one who made the shot asked "What do you mean, wrong hole?"
I just got hired at the helium factory
I find the job uplifting.
I was a little anxious when I hired an assassin to kill my best friend,
...but the veterinarian said they do this all the time.
My girlfriend told me she wanted someone who treated her like a princess
So I hired paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car accident.
How to use and 5 times in a row grammatically
A man owned a store called This And That and hired another man to make a sign for it.
When it was finished the owner inspected the work.
He discovered that the spaces were wrong so he said, The space between This and And and And and That is different. Please fix it
ESPN literally hired a potato for one of its broadcasts
When asked why they responded that they needed a common tater.
Why did the koala bear get hired?
He was the most koalafied.
I hired a Russian chauffeur the other day...
his name was Pikup Andropov
Another interview joke
During a job interview, the interviewer asks, I noticed a 6 year gap in your resume. How do you account for this period of time?
The applicant responds, I went to Yale.
Excited, the interviewer says, Yale?!? You're hired!
The applicant replies, Yay! I got a yob!
Yet another job Interview joke
Interviewer: So what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Candidate: I never know when to quit.
Interviewer: Well that can always be turned to our advantage! Congratulations, you're hired.
Candidate: *I quit*
At a job interview:
The HR manager: What would you say is your biggest weakness?
Applicant: I never know when to quit.
Manager: That seems ok, you're hired.
Applicant: I quit!
The interviewer asked me to show him an example of leadership skills.
"OK," I replied. "I'm hired."
The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice
His new apprentice was willing to work long, hard hours.
One day he instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith.
What's the difference between a hired detective and a Gynecologist?
Ones a Private Investigator, the others a Privates Investigator
I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.
Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.
I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room...
...they hired me.
The job interviewer asked...
The job interviewer asked: "What's your biggest weakness?"
Me: "I don't know when to quit..."
Interviewer: "You're hired!"
Me: "I quit."
Interviewer: How do you explain the five-year gap on your resume?
Me: Oh, that was when I went to Yale.
Interviwer: Amazing! You're hired.
Me: Yay, I got a yob!
I hired some lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.
They lost my case.
I didn't trust my wife home alone with the roofers...
So I hired an all gay roofing crew. I don't know if it worked worked, she said they've been outside banging all day.
I'm a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.
I said well it was 65 millions years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.
Recruiter: "what's your biggest weakness?"
"I don't know when to quit."
"You are hired!"
"I quit."
The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels
Now you know who the best people are
But the time traveler didn't get hired
A time traveler went to an interview to get a job . . .
Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.
She's an essential oil worker now.
My wife said sex has become a chore.
So for mothers day I've hired her some help.
Was recently hired as beauty product model...
I was the "before" model.
I hear that the Government hired Stanley Kubrick to help film The Fake Moon Landing
But since Kubrick was such a perfectionist he forced the Government to film on location.
Interviewer: "How do you explain the three year gap on your resume?"
Dave : "Oh! That was when I went to Yale!"
Interviewer: "Amazing! You're hired!"
Dave: "Hurray! I got a yob!"
My friend just hired a limo for £1000 but it didn't come with a driver
Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it
Job interview
Job interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when i went to yale.
Interviewer: That's impressive. Your hired
Me: Thanks i really needed this yob.
My friend just hired a limo for a $1000 but it didn't come with a driver !
Imagine spending all that money and having nothing to chauffeur it
If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...
He should have just hired her!
Interviewer : What's your biggest strength?
Me : I'm good at Machine Learning
Interviewer : Okay, what's 21+17
Me : It's 5
Interviewer : Not even close. It's 38
Me : It's 20
Interviewer : I said it's 38
Me : It's 35
Interviewer : It's still 38....
Me : It's 38
Interviewer : Hired!
Boss: Why do you-
Me: *sshhh*
Boss: What is your biggest wea-
Me: *sshhh*
Boss: (whispering) you're hired. Welcome to the library.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale...
Interviewer: That's impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this yob.
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said "Your first job will be to sweep out the store.
But I'm a college graduate! the young man replied indignantly.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that" said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how...
I hired a guy to represent me in court today.
He was very cheap and brought me the best cup of coffee. Unfortunately we lost the case.
He told me next time hire a barrister and not a barista.
Dude is late for job interview for a bus driver.
Dude: Sorry, I'm late.
Interviewer: you're hired.
My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"
Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.
I hired a new driver last month...
He always goes the extra mile.
I need a new driver.
I hired a hitman to clean up my sewing
He has been tying up all the loose ends.
I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:
1. How to tell this to my wife
2. Where to find a 1 year old baby
The job posting said they were looking for a self-starter
so I called and told them I was hired.
NASA hired Stanley Kubrick to help fake the moon landings
But he was such a perfectionist, he filmed on location.
Today I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn
He just wasn't cutting it
Its 1848 and two hunters from Boston are on a buffalo hunting expedition. They've hired the famous Blackfoot tracker, Grey Owl to track and locate buffalo for them.
As they follow Grey Owl's trail, they catch sight of him just ahead.
Grey Owl has his ear to the ground, and as the two hunters get close he says, "Three wagons, each pulled by four oxen pass this spot 20 minutes ago!"
The hunters are blown away! This is amazing! One of them asks, "Can you tell all of that just from listening to the ground?!"
"No", says Grey Owl, "As I listen for buffalo, the bastards ran me over."
Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
Johnson & Johnson have hired Eminem as a celebrity spokesperson for their COVID vaccine.
Because you only get one shot.
Did you hear Matt Gaetz hired Rudy Giuliani to defend him from the child trafficking charges?
Mr. Giuliani couldn't be reached for comment since he is currently waiting at traffic court.
My friend has hired a Butler without a left arm.
Serves him right.
An Egyptian pharaoh hired me to lay flooring at a tomb he was building. He said it wouldn't pay well at first but as I worked my way to the top I would reap the benefits. it wasn't quite a pyramid scheme
But it was multi level carpeting.
A few minutes after she was hired, the boss and the secretary got up from the couch in the office and started dressing.
"I want to confess", the secretary says as she lifts her pants.
"I hope it does not mess up our relationship after what has just happened on the couch. But I don't really type as fast as I said in the interview."
"It's okay", the new boss replies, "I want to confess, too, and I hope it doesn't mess up our relationship - I'm not the boss here at all, I'm the cleaner…
How many journalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three:
One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the poor.
One to report it as a conspiracy to deprive the poor of darkness.
And one to win a Pulitzer Prize for reporting that the electric company hired someone to break the lightbulb in the first place.
But in the end none of them actually changed the bulb.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: Oh, that's when I went to Yale. Bit embarrassed about that.
Interviewer: Damn, embarassed about Yale? You're definitely hired!
Me: Thanks! I REALLY needed this yob.
Japanese Golfer Joke
An American man went on a business trip to Japan. On the night before his last day, he hired a prostitute. All through the night, the woman was screaming and shouting with excitement. The next day, he played golf with a friend who spoke Japanese as a second language. He decided to try some Japanese out on him so when his friend scored a hole in one he repeated what the woman had said last night. His friend stared at him and asked "What do you mean, 'Wrong hole?'"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the hired hire jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working hired interview piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.