Hire Jokes

Following is our collection of lease puns and recruit one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Hire jokes for adults, dirty recruiter jokes and clean recruitment dad gags for kids.

The Best Hire Puns

..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"

Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*

he patriotically said ..*"Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants".* while standing beside a *Slovenian wife*

Fun idea:

Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.

I heard Starbucks is trying to hire a lot more refugees

Those poor art majors are going to suffer, then

A hiring manager had a stack of resumes, took half, and threw them in the trash...

Coworker asks, "what are you doing!?!"

HR Manager said, "I don't like to hire unlucky people."

Do you know why you should never hire a communist employee?

Because they only work in theory


Trump should hire the Chinese to build the wall.

They had one for over 2000 years and they still don't have any Mexicans.

A man goes to a job interview...

His resume was fantastic and his qualities was perfect for the company. The interviewers were impressed.

"You are a strong candidate, and we would like to hire you. However, there's this 5 years gap in your resume. What were you doing during that time?"

"I went to Yale"

"Wow great! You're hired"

"Yay, I got a yob!"

Employee of the month

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

A man walks in for an interview

Interviewer: forget everything you learned in college. You won't be needing any of that here.

Man: good that I didn't go to college then.

Interviewer: sorry we can't hire you.

I hired a Russian chauffeur the other day...

his name was Pikup Andropov

Whenever I have to hire people I throw half of the applications in the trash can

I don't want to hire any unlucky people


A dog goes into a hardware store...

...and says: I'd like a job please . The hardware store owner says: We don't hire talking dogs, why don't you go join the circus? The dog replies: What would the circus want with a plumber .

-Steven Alan Green

For his birthday, an old man's nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.

When he answers the door she's standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, I'm here to give you super sex.

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, I guess I'll have the soup.

If you ever have to go through job applications, throw half of them away randomly

You don't want to hire anyone unlucky

Guy is looking for a new secretary...

Jealous wife: You should not get beautiful young girl with a great body. Hire someone who is older, isn't beautiful, married, has children and does not have a great figure.
Husband: OK, when can you start?

I just got hired as a garbage truck driver.

There was no training, but I think I'll pick it up as i go along.

Another blonde joke.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Blonde Paint Job Warning:Long

A blonde,wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself as a handyman type and started canvasing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the man asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."

A business owner is interviewing an attractive young lady...

A business owner is interviewing to hire a bookkeeper, and in walks an attractive young lady. To make sure that she understands money and math, he asks her "If I were to give you ten thousand dollars, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"



She thinks a moment and answers "Everything but my earrings!"


There was an International Job opening.

Two men applied, a Canadian man, and an American. After the test and the interview, they company decided to go with the Canadian man. The American with distraught asked why they decided to hire the Canadian and how he did in the interview and test. They said it was a very difficult decision because they both did equally well on the test and in the interview. The American was outraged. "THEN WHY DID YOU HIRE THE CANADIAN?!?." The manager then responded, "Well, you both did equally well in the interview, but the real problem was the test. You both got 9/10 on the test, but for question 10, the Canadian man put 'I don't know' and you put 'me neither.'"

Shout out to my Math Teacher for telling me this one.

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked

the monk replied "Religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

A Winking Salesman!

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

"Looking at your resume, I can see that you're more than qualified", says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you", adds the interviewer.

"But wait", says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking".

"Then show me", replies the interviewer.

So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colours before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.

"It's great. You stopped winking", says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country".

"What do you mean?", asks the man. "I'm happily married".

"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.

"Oh, that", sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Blonde Paint Job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Why don't trucking companies like to hire women?

Every time you give them a load, it takes them 9 months to deliver.

A company hire an efficiency expert as a consultant.

To everyone's surprise, the presentation was very interesting. For once many felt like this was a valuable use of time! as the presenter finished up, he said, "I hope you have found use in my presentation today, but I would warn you, be careful about using these techniques at home. The other night I was watching as my wife did the dinner dishes, and noticed some inefficiency in her technique. Wanting to be helpful, I advised her of several small improvements that could add up to maximum efficiency."
One of the attendees raised their hand,"Did it work? Did the dishwashing become more efficient?"
"Oh yes," the consultant replied,"before my advice, my wife took 18 minutes to finish the dishes, now I do it in 12."

A blonde, wanting to earn some money...

decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

My girlfriend told me this one

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

I only hire Claustrophobic people,

they are so much better at thinking outside of the box.

Happy Birthday Henry

Old widower Henry is celebrating his 80th birthday in the retirement home, and his friends decide to hire a hooker to entertain him. So early that evening, a beautiful blond shows up at his door, and says "HI, I'm Susie, and I'm here to give you super sex."

Henry looks her over, thinks for a minute, and says "Eh, I'll take the soup."

Why did the church hire a prostitute?

Her résumé said "missionary position"

A farmer posted on his local subreddit that he was looking to hire help to fix his fence...

The farmer's wife asked him, Why would you look to hire someone from the internet? Surely they will not be up to the physical demands of lifting and setting these heavy fence posts!

The Farmer replied We need a professional, and I heard that there is no one more experienced than a Redditor at re-posting.

I'll never hire a dyslexic prostitute again!

There was no sex but I did get my socks cooked.

My fifth grade teacher taught me how to smoke pot and kiss.

Best hire I've ever made as a school principal.

I hired a guy to represent me in court today.

He was very cheap and brought me the best cup of coffee. Unfortunately we lost the case.

He told me next time hire a barrister and not a barista.

A dumb joke I thought of a couple weeks ago.

A truck carrying cows and a truck carrying cannabis get into a car accident. Neither party can agree on who's fault the accident was, so they hire a detective. This is the detective's first day on the job and his boss tells him, If you can solve this case you get a promotion, however if you fail you will be fired. The steaks are high.

Why did Louis CK hire a babysitter?

He needed someone to watch his little squirts.

A Mexican Joke

A Mexican man finds a much needed job and asks the owner to hire him. The owner says he'll hire him ONLY if he can come up with a sentence using 3 words of his choice. The words are Green, Pink and Yellow. So the Mexican thinks for a second then replies (read in a Spanish accent) the phone goes Green Green, so I Pink it up and say Yellow?


Jajaja

Why did Sean Connery hire a special kid to clean his kitchen?

He had Dish-abilities

I hired some lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.

They lost my case.

Why do ballet dancers always stand on their toes?

Could they not hire taller dancers?

The Promotion

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with".

"That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"

Why should we hire the chickpeas to be part of our choir?

They could hummus a song!


(I was really proud of this one.)

I just got hired at the helium factory

I find the job uplifting.

Three ways to get something done

Do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

I finally understand the difference between capitalism, libertarianism, and socialism.

Capitalists hire libertarians to say socialism is bad. Socialists say capitalism is bad for free. And libertarians will say everyone else is bad as long as they get paid.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you as a reverse psychologist?

Me: You shouldn't.

I think I'm going to hire the same landscaper I used last year.

He was really easy to get a lawn with.

Why does the Trump campaign hire people in groups of three?

One who can read, one who can write, and one to keep an eye on the other two "elitist intellectuals."

How many prostitutes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I have no idea. I did hire four prostitutes once, but we did other stuff.

What did King Arthur say when asked about Lancelot's betrayal?

"I don't want to talk about it, I've had a bad knight."


Bonus joke:

Why should you hire submariners?

They have experience working under pressure.

So it's an old man's 99th birthday...

...and his caretakers decide to hire a prostitute for him. So they find one who's into old guys and set it all up. She bursts into the old man's room, all sexed up and looking great. She walks up to him and seductively says: "Tonight, I'm going to give you some SUPER sex."

The old man looks at her and says, feebly: "... I'll take the soup!"

I wanted to hire a marsupial butler...

but none of the applicants were koala-fied.

I hired a bee to run my IT security department

He makes really good honeypots

I hired a Japanese hooker last night, and she showed up nearly two hours late..

She loved me wrong time

If I ran a night club I'd hire a rabbit to guard the front door.

I heard they're good bouncers.

We hired a teenage girl at my hardware store

I was showing her around the aisles when I picked up something off the shelf and pointed it at my self and made a beeping sound.

I said, "This is a stud-finder" and laughed.

She pulled up her sleeve, showed me her FitBit and made a beeping sound. She said, "This is a pedo-meter."

Hired an odd-job man the other but he was useless

Gave him eight jobs to do but he only did 1,3,5 and 7

M&M don't hire blondes for their production line...

...because they throw out the Ws

I once hired a beggar for my business

I once owned a little cafe. This beggar always stands in front of my door. Out of the goodness of my heart, I hired him. I taught him how to use the power juicer. He could never get it right. And that's when it hit me. Beggars can't be juicers.

We tried to hire an invisible man.

He didn't want the job because he couldn't see himself working here.

Why is it always better to hire three electricians instead of just one?

Because many hands make light work

Why don't NASA Scientists ever hire black prostitutes?

Because they already spend all day looking into super massive black holes.

Caught Short

Two dwarfs have just won the lottery, so they go out and hire two prostitutes and two hotel rooms. The first dwarf tries desperately all night to get an erection, but all he can hear from the next room is, 'One, two, three, huh!'. This goes on all night.

The next morning, the second dwarf asks, 'So how did it go?'. The first dwarf replies, 'Shit, I couldn't get an erection. How was your night?'. The second dwarf turns round and replies, 'Even worse, I couldn't even get on the bed.'

What do recent college graduates and felons have in common?

It takes three to five years before anyone will hire them.

Why don't you hire a violinist as your babysitter?

Because he might fiddle with your kids.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: I have many hidden talents

Interviewer: Like??

Me: I don't know, they're all hidden.

Never hire a Himalayan contractor to work on your house...

I did, and I came home to Himalayan with my wife.

A coworker is showing a new hire around.

A coworker is showing the latest company hire around the office. How long have you worked here? the new hire asks.
Ever since they threatened to fire me, the coworker answers.

It's a man's 80th birthday

His buddies decide to hire him a call girl as a gift. The wheel him into a hotel room and on the bed is a gorgeous blonde. His buddies leave the room and she says "I'm here to give you super sex!". The old man looks at her and says "I'll take the soup".

I hired a Chinese prostitute

She showed up 3 hours early, I guess she wanted to love me rong time.

A couple of Irish men are walking through a wooded area when they see a sign advertising that a company would like to hire 'Tree fellers'. So one turned to the other and says, 'Aye Paddy we've been looking for work recently...

It's a shame there's only two of us!'

You know, it's really hard to hire marionette puppeteers at short notice.

But if you like, I could pull some strings.

Why did the police hire Quasimodo as an investigator?

He always had a hunch.

They hired a comedian at the local construction site. Everyone loves him.

You could say he was really nailing it.

Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?

The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.

So Tim is interviewing for a job.

"I will need you to take a test before I hire you." Says the man. "You have to shoot 5 black men and a bunny"

"Why the bunny" asks Tim?

"Your hired"

I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help.

I told her I don't have the money to hire a hitman.

Why did Muhammad hire Moses to help with his start-up?

He wanted to double his prophets.

If I were ever to win the lottery, first thing I'd do is hire someone to clean my kids room...

and then buy some chicken wings with the $20 I have left over.

Airline companies are always having to hire people.

Because most of their employees take off.

My Friend misses his girl all the time, it makes me mad

I tell him he should just hire a hitman.

Q. Why shouldn't you hire a midget chef?

A. The steaks are too high

I am creating a video game about a bear and bird that hire a prostitute and then don't pay her.

I'm calling it "Banjo-Kazooie Nuts and Bolts"

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop...

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop, with prices so below-cost that no other shop could compete. Several of the other shop owners tried to kill the brothers, but they always failed. Eventually, the other shop owners pooled their money to hire the most clever and expensive assassin in town, Hugh McTaggart. He succeeded, demonstrating that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

There is an abundance of hired jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 84 funniest jokes and hire puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any overqualified witze you can hear about hire.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes