Hips Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.

"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.

She laughed.

I laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shot the toaster.

Hipsters

I had the joy of meeting a couple of hipsters today, and they yelled at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term is "conjoined twins".

Why is the hipster sweating?

Because he wore a scarf before it was cool.

Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Why did the hipster fall into the lake?

He went ice skating before it was cool.

Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice Skating before it was cool

Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee?

Because he drank it before it was cool

Why do hipsters love Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Because it's the first Indy movie.

I saw a hipster walking outside in the cold.

He didn't have a jacket on, so I asked him why.

He said he was outside before it was cool.

Why did the hipster drown, when he was iceskating?

He was skating before it was cool

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's a really obscure number and you've probably never heard of it.

How do you get a hipster to take a shower?

Give them a leaky showerhead.


You know, so they can avoid the main stream.

How many hipsters does it take to fix a heater?

None. They did it before it was cool.

What did the hipster say about the Chilean miners?

I liked them so much better when they were underground.

There was an impotent guy...

There was an impotent guy who asked his wife to always have sex with lights off because he was wearing a strap-on and didn't want her to know about his problem.
After years, one night she dared to turn on the light to see what's his big secret. Seeing the dildo hung on her husband's hips she got angry: "I guess it will be quite difficult for you to explain this!"

"Way less difficult than you explaining the kids to me"

Why did the hipster get burned when he drank his coffee?

The barista make a joke about sleeping with his mother.

Why do hipsters hate ice skating?

They could never do it before it was cool

Why is the part of a woman between her hips and her breasts called a waist?

Because they could have easily fitted in another pair of tits there...

What do hipsters use for birth control?

Their personalities

Why did the hipster refuse to undergo surgery?

The anesthesia wasn't local.

If a hipster falls on the forest, does it make a sound?

Yes...but you've probably never heard it before.

What breaks when you give it to a twelve year old?

Her hips.

Why don't hipsters like rivers?

Too mainstream

Why did the hipsters die of dehydration?

They stayed away from the mainstream.

Why are hipsters such great assassins?

Because they hide the bodies in places no one has ever heard of.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

(snicker) *You don't know?*

A farmer sends his young son to his new neighbor's farm to borrow some oil.

The farmboy sees the new neighbor has a daughter his age. Their eyes meet, and he is immediately in love. He goes up and asks her to borrow a can of oil, and she says, "Sure - follow me," and she walks toward the barn, swaying her hips more than normal.

When they turn the corner, they see a bull screwing one of the cows. The farmboy steps close to the girl, looks her in the eye, and says softly, "I'd really like to do that, too."

The girl smiles, giggles a little, and responds, "Sure. I'll grab you a stepstool so you can reach."

How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change bulbs and 3 to sit around and complain that the original was better.

Cop: where are you in the night of the murder?

Shakira: at my home.

Shakira's Hips: she's at the bar where the murder take place.

Shakira: son of a--

My wife found me in the kitchen in the middle of the night, naked, with a pot on my head and a gun in my hand...

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.

"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.

She laughed.

I laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shot the toaster.

All in all, a good night.

If a hipster falls in the middle of the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Yeah, but you've probably never heard it before.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate pizza before it was cool

A drunk was seen by a cop thrusting his hips every couple of steps as he staggered down the road.

Cop catches up to him and asks him what he was doing?
Drunk says...... Fucking nothing.

Why did the hipster die in Pripyat?

He went into reactor 4 before it was cool

I was gently stroking a woman I had just met...

I was gently stroking a woman I had just met.

I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

She started to squirm a little, as if shocked by my touch.

I put my hand off to the side, and smiled at her, saying:

"You're good to go m'am, have a safe flight."

An Englishman, an American, a Frenchman and an Australian are drinking in a bar.

The Englishman starts bragging and says that last night i was having sex with my wife and when she came her hips raised 2inches off the bed.

The American says that's nothing. Last night while going down on my wife she came so hard her hips raised 10inches off the bed.

The Frenchman says ha, rubbish that's nothing. Last night while making love to my wife she raised her hips 12inches off the bed in ecstasy.

The Australian says, well last night I fucked my wife got out of bed wiped my dick clean on the curtain and she hit the fucking roof.

Hipster Jokes!

Why did the hipster float down the tributary?

Because the river was too mainstream.


How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Some obscure number you've never heard of.


Why did the hipster burn his mouth when he ate pizza?

Because he ate it before it was cool.

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate pizza before it was cool

Why was the hipster wearing a scarf during the summer?

He liked wearing scarves before it got cool.

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding my gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting Autobots!!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as Autobots!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.

"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.

She laughed.

I laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shoot my wife.

DEATH TO HUMANS! FOR MEGATRON!

Why didn't the hipster want to see the Saint John River and the Penobscot River?

They're two Maine streams.

How much does a hipster weigh?

an instagram

A man goes to the doctor...

... and he says, "Doc, I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I can't stop shaking my hips and singing Tom Jones songs."

To which the doctor replies, "Clearly sir, you have Tom Jones' Disease."

The man asks, "Is this common?"

The doctor answers, "It's not unusual."

How much does a Hipster weight ?

2 Instagram

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He was drinking coffee before it was cool.

Why does the hipster make crappy coffee?

The beans are always under-ground.

Why are so many hipsters sweaty?

They put on their winter coats before it's cool.

How did the hipster burn their tongue?

They drank their tea before it was cool.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

You wouldn't know, it's *kiiiiind of* an obscure number.

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

Because he ate his food before it was cool.

Why do hipsters only use the microwave?

Because they don't like conventional ovens.

An old woman was in the hospital for a massive heart attack..,

She prayed to God and asked if she would survive. God told her yes, she would live twenty more years. So after she recovered, she decided to have plastic surgery on her face and boobs and hips. Two months later, she was hit by a car and died.

When she got to heaven she said, "God, you told me I had twenty more years! What happened?!"

He replied, "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you."

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

A hipster Buddhist monk walks into a bar...

Pulling up a chair, he realised that he was a quarter short of a beer.

Thinking quick, he pulls down his pants and sticks his finger up his ass, only to pull out a quarter coin.

Bewildered, the bartender asked the Buddhist monk how he did it, and the Buddhist monk replied:

"Change comes from within"

Did you hear the one about the snake with the wriggly hips?

Look, I'm sorry if I'm breaking a rule, but this has been bothering me for decades. From the comments in this sub, most of you have apparently heard every joke a million times before... ;) I thought maybe somebody's heard the punch line for this one...

In the late 80s, we had a CB in our station wagon. My mom was driving me to middle school one morning, and I did a radio check and found a trucker to talk to.

I told him a few tame kiddie jokes, he laughed, and then he said, "Have you heard the one about the snake with the wriggly hips?"

My mom took the speaker away from me and said, "Before you tell that joke, you should know that you're speaking to a ten-year-old girl."

The trucker said, "Oh..." and then went on to tell a different joke.

I have NEVER heard this joke since, or been able to find it online. It's come back to haunt me at random times, like today, so I thought I'd take a shot here. Anybody know this joke?

A trucker gets lost one day and as luck would have it, he comes to low bridge and gets stuck under it...cars are backed up for miles behind him....

Eventually, a cop car pulls up, the officer gets out and walks up, laughing hysterically and pointing at the trucker.

He puts his hands on his hips and says with a chuckle, "Got stuck, eh?"

The trucker replies, "No sir, not at all, you see, I was delivering this bridge when I ran out of gas..."

Why did the hipster wear a scarf during the summer?

he was cold before it was cool..

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffe before it was cool.

What are the funniest hips jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Hips? Well, here are the best Hips puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Hips pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes