Hillbilly Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

What is it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?

Reintarnation

How did the hillbilly find the sheep in the tall grass?

Satisfying

I died and came back as a hillbilly.

That's called reintarnation.

How did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods?

Pretty Hot

A hillbilly tells his parents he won't marry his fiance because she is a virgin.

"If she isn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours!"

How did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods?

Pretty good. ( Ν‘Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘Β°)

A hillbilly knocks on the door of his new neighbors house

"Howdy neighbor", he says. "In honor of you moving into the woods, I'm going to throw you a party! There's going to be a whole lot of drinking, a whole lot of dancing and a whole lot of screwing."

"Sounds like fun", the new neighbor says, "what can I bring?"

Hillbilly replies, "you can bring anything you want, just gonna be you and me!"

What do a thug and hillbilly have in common?

They both like to throw a hoedown.

A hillbilly missed the first day of his deductive reasoning class...

...so he goes to the professor to get the gist of what he missed.

Professor: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a lawn mower?"

Hillbilly: "Yea I do."

P: "From that fact, I can guess that you have a lawn in which to use your lawn mower.".

H: "Well I'll be..."

P: "I can also guess that you have a house to go with that lawn?"

H: "Yes I do!"

P: "And it may be true that you're also married with children?"

H: "Damn you're good..."

P: "And lastly, from you being married, I can deduce that you are a heterosexual ."

H: "Wow. I've never been so excited to come back to a class. Thank you professor! I'll see you tomorrow!"

Later that night, the hillbilly is drinking with his buddy, and the buddy asks, "So whaddaya learnin in that fancy college class?".

H: "Do you own a lawn mower?"

Buddy: "Nope, I borrow yours."

H: "Faggot."

How did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods?

Attractive.

3 ducks

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, This duck ain't from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin' license, boy? The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain't no Tennessee duck. This here duck's from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin' license?

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly Just where the hell are you from?
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said You tell me, you're the expert!!

What is it called when a hillbilly comes back to life?

Reintarnation.

Why are even the best forensic teams unable to catch hillbilly criminals?

Because they all share the same DNA and there are no dental records.

What's it called when a hillbilly gets resurrected?

Reintarnation

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

What do you get when you cross a hillbilly and a murder suspect?

A person of incest.

Hillbilly Ma says to her son,

"Jethro, I need you to fix the outhouse."

"What fer ma?"

"Jis go 'n hava look."

So Jethro walks out to the outhouse, opens the door, and looks, "I don't see nothin wrong here ma," he says.

"Look closer," says Ma. Jethro moves into the outhouse.

"Still don't see nuthin," he says.

"Stick yer head in the hole."

"But, Ma."

"Jis do it." Of course Jethro knows better than to disobey his ma, so he sticks his head into the hole.

Then he hollers, "Oww, Ma, my beard's stuck."

"Aggravating isn't it?"

A hillbilly introduces himself to his neighbor

Hillbilly: "Howdy neighbor, I see you moved into the holler and as a welcoming gift, I wanna throw you a party. There will be a lotta drinkin, a lotta dancing, and a lotta screwing"

Neighbor: "Oh that sounds great, what can I bring?"

Hillbilly: "Well, you can bring anything you'd like, it's just gonna be you and me."

A hillbilly and his wife and kids go out to dinner

The waitress comes around to take their orders, and the hillbilly grabs her ass, pulls her close, and kisses her. The waitress pulls back and shouts, "what are you doing, sir??!!" The hillbilly sits there embarrassed and says, "I thought this was a family restaurant!"

Did you hear about the hillbilly who was called to testify in court?

When he spoke you could only see the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

Since married famous people often mix names, shouldn't Hillary and Bill's be...

Hillbilly?

Bored on lunch, here's one I tell often.

Two hillbilly kids.. Darla and Buckwheat are at school The teacher asks Darla, 'How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
She responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."

"Now spell 'stupid'."
Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands up and says, otay, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in the a sentence."

"I may be dumb, I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"

hillbilly guy is eating at a buffet...

a large lady at the next table is wolfing down chicken wings, dipping them into a soup bowl of ranch dressing and shoving them in, right hand, left hand...

suddenly she grabs her throat and starts eeking out a panicked sound and starts turning purple...

the hillbilly jumps up, shoves her to the floor on her stomach,
yanks down her sweat pants and runs his tongue right down the middle of her butt crack.

the woman, shocked, hacks and a chicken bone shoots, like a bullet, out of her mouth, flying across the floor and smacking the wall at the other side of the room.

she takes a huge gasp and her color returns to normal.

the guy stands up triumphantly and says,

"ahhh, the ol' hind lick maneuver! works e'ry time"

How do you know when you're staying in a hillbilly hotel?

When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink,"
and the clerk replies, "okay, Go ahead."

A plane from J.F.K. is coming in to land at a rural airport in Arkansas at midnight.

Mouthy pilot turns to his co-pilot, winks & says "watch this"......
"Pilot to control tower......hey there Hillbilly, guess who!!"
Control tower switches off the airport lights.....
"Control tower to pilot....... Hey there Yankee, guess *where!!*"

Hillbilly Birth

Deep in the back woods of Eastern Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'


Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.


Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.


The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, 'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

Redneck First Aid

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two hillbillies in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second hillbilly starts licking his butt. The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The hillbilly pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

A Hillbilly is the First in his Family to Attend Ninth Grade...

Jethro is the first in a long line of hillbillies and bumpkins to attend schooling beyond the eighth grade. After his first day of high school, the whole family is bursting with pride to see him swaggering up the driveway.

His father says, "Jethro, come tell us about that fancy high school! What'd you learn up there today?"

Jethro says, "Pa, they taught me some al-gee-bra."

His father is dumbstruck. "What is al-gee-bra, boy?"

Jethro says, "I ain't too sure. I think it's a math language."

His father says, "Well, speak some of that fancy al-gee-bra for us!"

Jethro says, "Pi R Squared."

Everyone in the family stops smiling. Jethro's father shakes his head. "No, boy. Pie are round. Cornbread are squared."

Coming Back as a Hillbilly

Q. What do you call it when you die and come back as a hillbilly?
A. Reintarnation

Hillbilly Stripper

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

Redneck Divorce

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."

Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

Hillbilly 20 Questions

Hillbilly Jacob is bored and wants to play 20 questions with his cousin Cletus.

Jacob: "Hey Cletus, want to play 20 questions?"

Cletus: "Sure, what's that?"

Jacob: "I think of something and write it down on this here paper. And you can ask me 20 questions to try and guess what it is."

Cletus: "Well alright."

Jacob then writes down "Donkey Dick" on the paper.

Cletus: "Can I eat it?"

Jacob: "Hehe, well I reckon you can!"

Cletus: "Is it donkey dick?"

The hillbilly and the city slicker

A hillbilly gets a visit from a childhood friend who's been living in the big city for many years. They decide to go for a drive while they catch up and talk about old times.

While they're driving along, the hillbilly sees a sheep with it's head caught in the fence.

"Woo yeah!" he exclaims, stopping the car. His friend watches as he jumps out and proceeds to start having his way with the sheep.

After a few minutes of this, the hillbilly shouts, "Hey, you want some of this?"

The city boy raises an eyebrow, hops out of the car, and sticks his head in the fence.

What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her?

If you incest.

Hillbilly Humor

A Hillbilly brother and sister are having sex in their back shed, and in the middle of it, the sister starts to giggle.
"What in the hell is so damn funny?" asks the brother.
"You screw just like dad!" said the sister.
"Thats just what mom told me!" said the brother.

2 hillbillies walking through a field.

2 hillbillies are walking through a field when they come across an old well. They start talking to each other asking how deep the well is. One of the hillbillies grabs a nearby shopping cart and tosses it down the well. While they are listening for a splash a billy goat comes charging right at them, they jump out of the way and the goat runs and jumps right down the well. A little while later a farmer comes walking by asking if either of them have seen the goat. The hillbilly says "you're not gonna believe this, That goat your looking for came charging right at us then jumped down this well." Then the farmer says "That's impossible. I had it chained up to a shopping cart."

Two hillbillies are discussing plans for dinner

After throwing ideas back and forth of what to cook, their eyes catch some roadkill on the side of the road. One of them eagerly suggests, "how about Himalayan Woodchuck?"

"Himalayan Woodchuck?" the other hillbilly scoffed. "What in the devil is that?"

"You know," the other says, gesturing towards the corpse, "because we found Himalayan on the side of the road."

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

You kick his sister in the chin

What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.

Bisexual.

A hillbilly girl tells her guy How about we try reverse cowgirl tonight?

He replies Hey! You never turn your back on family.

A hillbilly couple get married...

and spend the honeymoon night at her folks' cabin. The next morning, the boys' father walks outside and the boy is back home sitting on his folks' porch. The father asks, "Where's your bride, boy?" The kid says, "Ah done left her, Pa." The old man says, "Now why did you go and do that for?" The kid replies, "Ah found out she's a virgin." The pa thinks a minute and says, "Well, you done right, son. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for arn' neither."

Stolen from the broken shower thread: hillbilly joke

Two hillbillies got married. On their wedding night, the hillbilly groom admitted that he was a virgin and didn't really know what to do.

The hillbilly bride, who was much experienced, just giggled and said, "Silly, you just take that thing you play with and put it where I pee." So he got up, grabbed his banjo and threw it in the sink.

How do hillbilly gourds reproduce?

They pump kin.

This hillbilly girl needs to borrow the car (NSFW)

Her friends have been hounding her to come pick them up, so she goes up to her dad.
Dad can I borrow the car tonight?
Sure honey, but you've gotta give me some head.
She isn't pleased about this but really wants to go out tonight so she reluctantly agrees to suck him off.
She unzips his pants and starts going at it when after a couple minutes she stops to look up at him and say Dad your dick tastes like shit .
Fuck I forgot your brother has the car tonight

How do you castrate a hillbilly?

You kick his sister in the jaw

Two hillbillies are fucking a sheep caught in a fence

First hillbilly goes to town and finishes. Tells the second hillbilly it's his turn. Second hillbilly puts his head in the fence.

Hillbilly murders are the hardest to solve

They don't have dental records and all their DNA is the same.

Fishing on the Ohio river

There was an old hillbilly on the Kentucky side and a redneck on the Ohio side. The hillbilly wasn't catching anything while the redneck was. So the hillbilly yelled across the river and asked how the redneck was catching all those fish. The redneck yelled back and said that he needed to be on this side of the river. The hillbilly was upset and yelled back that there was no bridge. The redneck told him he would turn on his flashlight and the hillbilly could walk across the light beam. The hillbilly thought about it for a minute and said "nah, I'll get half way across and you'll turn off the light"

What's the best part about getting married when you're a hillbilly?

You only have to send invitations to one family.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

(Hillbilly) Well I gots no i-dear-ah

How do you circumsize a Hill-Billy?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

Three man want to marry the same woman

A business man, a taxi driver and a hill-Billy are in love with the same woman. She couldn't decide which one to marry. The father decides to make a competition for the three of them to see who was worthy of her daughter. It would consist of three challenges: First they would have to jump over an electrical fence, then swim trough a river with crocodiles and finally fuck a cow.

The business man goes first, he makes it trough the electrical fence but gets eaten by the crocodiles. the taxi driver makes it through the first and second challenge but cant make him self have sex with a cow. The Hill-Billy makes it trough all the challenges in no time and gets back to the father and daughter. The father congratulates the guy, but he responds: "to hell with your daughter, how much do you want for the cow?"

The hillbilly

A hillbilly knocks on the door of his new neighbor's house

"Howdy neighbor." he says, "In honor of you moving in, I'm gonna throw a party. There's gonna be a whole lotta drinkin, a whole lotta dancing, and a whole lotta screwin."

"Sounds like fun." neighbor says, "What can I bring?"

Hillbilly replies "You can bring anything you want...just gonna be you and me."

hillbilly sex

Cletus, a seven-year-old hillbilly, comes up to his dad one day and says, "Daddy, what's sex?'

The dad says, "Why Cletus! You're all of seven years old, and you don't know what sex is?"

Cletus drops his eyes and says, "No, I shorely don't."

The dad says, "C'mere, young'n." Takes him by the wrist and into their shack, where the mom is passed out on the couch from drinking corn liquor all morning.

The dad lifts up her threadbare calico dress, points, and says, "See that hole twixt yer mammy's legs?"

"Yes."

"Well, watch this." He drops his pants, gets on, and starts boning the mom.

Cletus is watching, wide-eyed, and his sister, five-year-old Lu Ella, comes in, gasps, and says, "Cletus! What're they doin'?"

"Having sex."

"What's sex?"

"Why Lu Ella! You're all of five years old, and you don't know what sex is?"

Lu Ella drops her eyes and says, "No, I shorely don't."

Cletus says, "See that hole twixt Daddy's legs? Watch this!"

What do a hillbilly and a nepotist blackberry executive have in common?

They both give their relatives rim jobs.

What do you call a hillbilly giraffe that lives in a trailer and drinks beer all day?

A rednnnnnneeeeeeeccccccccckkkkkk.

A big, tough guy walks into a bar...

Immediately seeing his massive muscles, and overall dangerous aura, everyone hushes and just stares.

"Listen punks," he growls out. "I run this bar now, and you guys are going by my rules! Everyone on the left side is an incest loving hillbilly, and everybody on the right side is a raging homosexual. Any issues?"

A scrawny, unassuming man from the right side raises a shaky hand.

"And what do YOU want?" The tough guy asks.

He replies "Well sir, what do we do if we belong on both sides?"

Why are hillbilly men not circumcised?

Because they need somewhere to carry their chew.

There once was a man from Alabama . . .

He was a nice fellow. An unsophisticated hillbilly type but amicable to be around nonetheless. He was known as Catfish Jeb around the bayou because of that one time a catfish bit him in the . . .

Well, where the catfish bit him isn't important, now is it?

One day, very tragically, Catfish Jeb's wife and sister died. A terrible hunting accident where he was mistaken and thought he was shooting at a deer. Beyond distraught, Catfish Jeb hurried home to his cabin and called up his church's preacher, Bill.

Bill answered his phone right away, greeting happily in that churchy way. Despite the cheeriness, Catfish Jeb was in tears as he told the preacher what happened. "Ma wife and sis'ta are ded, Billy," he blubbered.

Bill was a little miffed; he hated being called Billy. But with the light of God always shining down upon him, he forgave Catfish Jeb the instant the misname left his lips. "I am terrible sorry to hear that, Jeb," the preacher consoled.

On the phone, Bill and Catfish Jeb arranged a funeral for the bumpkin's wife and sister to be held at the church. It was to take place that Sunday, right before the bake sale. They planned the flowers, the music. Bill agreed to have someone make pamphlets on the grieving redneck's behalf.

"One last thing, Joe," Bill said, pen poised in hand.

Catfish Jeb wiped at his eyes. "Yessa, preacher-man sir?" he simpered.

The preacher man pursed his lips. "Will you be needing one coffin, of two?"

Why are hillbilly murders hard to solve

Because they all share the same DNA

Did you hear about the hillbilly yeast?

It was in bread.....

Divorce

A hillbilly walked into an lawyer's office wanting to file for divorce.

Lawyer: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Lawyer: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Lawyer: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

Lawyer: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

Lawyer: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

Lawyer: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."

Lawyer: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

A hillbilly walks up to his sister and says "have sex with me."

She replies "if you incest."

Why do some goats scream like humans?

They evolved this way to have a hillbilly rape alarm.

A black man, a Mexican, a Muslim and a hillbilly are all playing Russian Roulette together. Who is guaranteed to win?

Society.

[OFFENSIVE] How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw...

(Heard this one the other day from a friend, and thought I might share it here. :P)

A hillbilly invites his new neighbor to a party...

he says "there'll be a whole lotta drinkin', dancin', and screwin'..."


His neighbor asks if he can bring anything.


Hillbilly says, "you can bring anything you want, just goin' be me and you..."

*credit to "Mad Men"*

What are the funniest hillbilly jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Hillbilly? Well, here are the best Hillbilly puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Hillbilly pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes