Hillary Jokes

What are some Hillary jokes?

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning.

He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

We should use Hillary Clinton's emails to build a wall

Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.

Donald Trump said if I voted for Hillary Clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation.

I did and we do.

Apparently Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary Clinton this election

She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?

Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton

Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.

If Hillary Clinton won she would've been the first F president.

I didn't say female because someone deleted the emale.

If Trump and Hillary are both drowning and you could only save one...

What type of sandwich would you make?

If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me....

....Like the words President Bush.

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman

But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President.

What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol?

Depends, what is yours?

Why does Hillary Clinton have two Ls in her first name?

1 for 2008, 1 for 2016

I really think Hillary Clinton will be the first f president

Oops. I meant female but the emale got deleted

What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and an acronym?

An acronym stands for something

If Hillary wins, I'm moving to...

Benghazi. At least I know there, she'll leave me alone

Hillary's mad at Satan

Hillary: Satan! We had a deal! Where's the election victory that you promised me?

Satan: Where's the soul that you said you had?

Hillary Clinton will potentially be the first f***** president.

I wrote female, but apparently someone deleted the email

To Hillary supporters, don't give up hope!

Nelson Mandela served 27 years in prison before becoming President.

This speech will be very hard for Hillary Clinton...

She isn't getting paid for it

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?

Society

Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."

What does Hillary Clinton say when she's unhappy at a restaurant?

Can I have a different server?

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a bar.

They ask the bartender, "What have you got?"

The bartender points to two taps.

They say, "What? That's it?! We don't like either of those choices!"

The bartender says, "Now you know how I feel."

Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...

"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"

Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.

"Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"

Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter onto the White House lawn

He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"

They should send Hillary Clinton to the U.S. Mexico border

Since no one can get over her...

The only similarity between Bernie Sanders's speeches and Hillary's speeches is

......both inspire you to vote against Hillary.

Why did vatican invite Bernie not Hillary?

They couldn't afford it.

If hillary nukes Russia I can see the headlines now

"Everyone in Moscow commits suicide"

Bernie Sanders is such a socialist...

...he gave Hillary Clinton half the votes in Iowa.

Hillary is talking to The Pope, and he says...

"With but one wave of my hand, I can make these people feel joy. Joy that nothing else in the world can bring. And it will be an eternal, everlasting joy."

Hillary says "I'll believe that when I see it."

And so, the Pope raises his hand into the air, and slaps her across the face, and the crowd goes wild.

How many Hillary Clinton fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Hillary Clinton fans prefer to stay in the dark.

I heard the Pope's first choice for a guest was in fact Hillary...

But he couldn't afford her speaking fees

Why do people like Hillary Clinton?

When she can't even stand herself?

What do Hillary Clinton and the World Trade Center have in common?

Both collapsed on 9/11 after becoming overheated.

I'm in a room with Trump, Hillary and a gun and I'm allowed to legally shoot one of them. Whoever lives becomes president. Who do I shoot?

Myself.

What Movie does Hillary Watch when she's in a Bad Mood..?

Kill Bill.

If Hillary becomes president

She'll be sitting at the desk Monica sat under

There's an email going around that claims to include a nude photo of Hillary Clinton

Don't open it. It contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.

What do the Hindenberg, the Titanic and Hillary Clinton have in common?

Going down on any of them would be horrifying.

I was warned in November 2016...

People warned me, that if I voted for Hillary Clinton it would be the end of civility and truthfulness in the US as we know it, the deficit would skyrocket, and there would be never ending investigations of the president.

Well, I voted for Hillary and that was what happened!

Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election

She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.

What's the most embarrassing part about Hillary Clinton's emails?

The Nigerian Prince actually came through with the money transfer.

Bill Clinton said Hillary is clearly the best choice for president...

He knows for a fact there is no chance she'll blow it.

Bill Clinton: "I sure hope Hillary gets better interns than I did..."

"All of mine sucked"

I was told, if I voted for Hillary, they predicted Obamacare would continue and we'd go to war with Syria...

I did, and the predictions came true!

So the FBI is reopening their investigation due to emails found on computers at Anthony Weiner's house.

If these emails bring Hillary down, it'll be the first time she's been screwed by a Weiner in years.

[OC] What is Hillary Clinton's favorite video game?

Super-Pac man.

Those "Run Hillary, Run!" bumper stickers are selling incredibly well

Democrats put them on the back of their cars, Republicans put them on the front!

A mosquito bit Hillary Clinton the other day...

It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter.

Hillary Clinton walks into a bar...

Hillary Clinton walks into a bar with a pig on a leash.

The bartender looks at them and says "You can't bring that cow in here!"

Hillary replies, "It's a pig, not a cow."

The bartender says "I was talking to the pig."

If President Bernie Sanders were to die in office...

And an elaborate homage to Weekend at Bernie's was undertaken to cover up that fact, he'd still have less strings than Hillary Clinton.

Hillary wouldve made girls believe they can be President

Trump made EVERYONE believe they can be President.

If I had a dollar for every time Hillary played the Woman Card

...I'd have $0.77 cents.

Hillary and Trump tie in the election...

And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The moderator tells Hillary she's won the election and the presidency, and tells her her time. Hillary asks "9:20? Is that a record around the lawn?"
The moderator says "No, Bush did 9:11".

The Pope and Hillary Clinton

The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? The joy will not be a momentary display , but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand that is possible; show me."

His Holiness then backhanded Hillary and knocked her off the stage! The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land.

If Hillary wins I'm leaving the country if trump wins I'm leaving the country.

Not a political repost I'm just getting deported

If Donald Trump had really wanted Hillary Clinton locked up, he should have just…

…given her a job on his campaign team…

If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country. If Hillary wins, I'm leaving the country.

This isn't a political joke, I just really wanna travel.

If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are together on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it sinks, who survives?

America.

What's Hillary Clinton's key to success?

The Delete Key

Hillary Clinton is in the hospital...

She is being treated for third degree Berns.

What does Hillary Clinton use to drown the noise of Black Lives Matter protesters?

White noise

Hillary was shown a video of her flip-flopping on issues all over her career.

At first, she was upset. Now she says she's ok with it.

The Joker is in a room with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, and has a gun with one bullet, who does he shoot?

Neither. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

Clinton consults the past

Hillary went for a walk one morning and came upon the Washington monument. She asked, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds a ghostly voice replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." She thought about this for a few seconds and continued her walk.

Shortly afterwards she stepped up to the Jefferson Memorial and stopped to ask "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds Tom's disembodied voice replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."

She thought about this while continuing on to the Lincoln Memorial, and once again she asked the same question. After a few seconds Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"

Hillary Meets with Satan

Hillary was finishing up a day on the campaign trail when the Devil suddenly appeared in her and made her an offer...

"I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."

Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and power?"

"Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted.

"A pandering media?" she asked.

"They'll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or do," the Devil assured.

"And you want my soul, my family's souls, and the souls of my constituents?" she asked.

"Yes. All of them," the Devil answered.

Hillary was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:

"So...what's the catch?"

I'm voting for Hillary Clinton because...

According to Bill, she doesn't suck.

George Soros is a big reason im voting for Hillary!

His voting machines didn't really give me a choice.

Bill is out campaigning with Hillary...

they stop for lunch in a small diner and when Bill orders, he says, "I'll have a quickie."

The waitress giggles and Hillary glares, but says nothing.

The next day, at lunch in a diner, Bill orders: "I'll have a quickie."
Same response.

The third day, Bill ordering lunch says, "I'll have a quickie."

Not able to take the humiliation any more, Hillary slaps his arm and says, "Dammit Bill! It's pronounced 'quiche!'"

^(Note: I like the Trump jokes, and the recent Bill joke, but I thought this old joke fit Bill better.)

A scientist invents a lie detector

The machine is able to analyse speech patterns and detect lies, beeping whenever it detects a lie. To demonstrate it,he plays it a video of bill clinton, 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman', * beep*.

He takes it to the presidential debates, Hillary says " I am probably the best qualified woman for the job." *beep".
Trump seizes the moment and says " See, she's lying! Crooked Hillary, just like I said." Everyone waits, but there's no beep. Anderson Cooper turns to Trump and says, "Mr. Trump, your response",

Trump says " I think..." *beep*

They should build the wall out of Hillary

People clearly can't get over her.

Hillary Clinton and her chauffeur are driving on a country road. Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car.

The chauffeur has no time to react, and runs over it, giving it instant death.

The chauffeur stops the car, gets out and looks around. He spots a small farm-house in the distance. Hillary says to her chauffeur, "You should at least tell them that you've killed the pig"

The chauffeur does as he's told.

A couple of hours later, the chauffeur stumbles out of the farmhouse, covered in lipstick kiss-marks and a bottle of champagne in each hand.

As he stumbles to the passenger side window, Hillary exclaims, "Jesus, what did you tell them?"

"Exactly what you told me boss: Hi I'm Hillary Clinton's chauffeur and I've just killed the pig."

Why wouldn't Hillary Clinton let Bill be her IT manager?

She was too worried how often the servers would go down on him.

Voting for Hillary because of her political experience is like...

Hiring Hitler as a birthday magician because he made 6,000,000 people disappear.

Monica Lewinsky said it 20 years ago and she said it again this year

Hillary Clinton wasn't the right person for the job.

How did Hillary Clinton beat Bernie? The same way Monica beat Bill...

under the table

How does a snail win a race?

It runs against Hillary.

So one day, Hillary Clinton was going to an elementary school to talk aboit her job.

She gives a speech and then asks for questions. Little Timmy raised his hand and Hillary called on him.
"I have three questions. 1) What was Ben Ghazi? 2) What was the Uranium One deal? 3) What happened back in Arkansas?"
Hillary was just about to answer his question when the recess bell rang and all of the kids went outside. When they all came back in, Hillary continued with questions. Now, she pointed to little Johnny.
"Okay, I have five questions. 1) What was Ben Ghazi? 2) What was the Uranium One deal? 3) What happened back in Arkansas? 4) Why did the recess bell ring twenty minutes early? 5) Where is Little Timmy?"

It's looking like Hillary is definitely going to win the election

I think I might move to Benghazi, at least she'll leave me alone there.

Last year Hillary got a concussion. Obama recently bumped into Clinton and asked "Bill, how is Hillary's head?"

"Not as good as Monica"

Since married famous people often mix names, shouldn't Hillary and Bill's be...

Hillbilly?

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one night

when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.

About one hour later Hillary sees her driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

What happened to you? asked Hillary.

Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.

My God, what did you tell them? asks Clinton.

The driver replies, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig!

Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage

Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

Bernie leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand, i can make this crowd go absolutely wild with joy? The will not just be a momentary joy, this joy will be huge and they will forever speak of this day as the day that we made America work for everyone!"

Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that! with one little wave of your hand ... show me!"

So Bernie Sanders backhand slapped her and THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY.

My friend Dave told me this joke about Hillary Clinton yesterday...

I was just wondering if anyone here has heard from him?

How to make Hillary jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Hillary to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Hillary? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Hillary pick up lines to share with friends.

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