Highway Cop Jokes

An elderly couple was driving across the country.

While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman then gave the officer her license.
“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man replied, “He said he knows you!

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."
A few moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."
A few moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."
"Excellent my son, I've gotta take a leak, watch the gate will ya?"

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.
When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,
"I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."
The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car."
The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?"
She replied,
"Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."

The old women in the car

One day a cop is sitting on the side of a Highway with his radar gun. As he sits there people are passing by going the speed limit, and after a while a car drives by going very slow. So, he puts his gun up and they are going 25. He flips on his lights and goes up and pulls them over.
When he got out of his car, as he approached the car he see's 3 old ladies in the back, and two in the front. When he gets to the car, and asks for license and registration, he asks the little old lady if she knows how fast she was going. "Why, yes officer, I was going 25, maybe 26. I'm sorry, but that's what the sign said." The whole time shes talking the 3 in the back are looking scared to death. So, he says "Ma'am that is the highway sign. Is there something wrong with the ladies in the back?" "No, officer, we just got of highway 125, that's all."

Heard this one from one if my favorite comedians...

I'll leave out the little bit of backstory.
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law are in a car driving down a highway near Miami.
A cop, who has been following him for quite some time, pulls him over to the side of the road.
The cop walks up to him and says "I've been watching you drive for the past couple of miles here, and you've shown excellent driving skills. You see, every month we have a $500 reward for the best driver. Today's your lucky day!"
So, as promised, the cop brings the man $500, and asks "So what are you going to do with all the money you won?"
To which the man replies "I'll probably use it to get my license."
The wife quickly intervenes, saying "Don't listen to him! He always talks crazy when he's drunk!"
The mother-in-law then says "I told you we'd get in trouble in a stolen car."

The old woman and the highway

A cop is driving down the highway one night when he passes a rickety sedan going 25 mph (about 40 km/h). He pulls the car over and asks the driver, a sweet little old woman, "Ma'am, why weren't you doing the speed limit?"
The lady replies, "But, officer, that sign said '25' and I was only obeying it!"
"25 is the number of the route," the policeman explains patiently. "The speed limit is 70 (about 115km/h)."
At this point the officer looks around the car for other passengers and sees three other women, clutching their seats and shaking.
"Oh, I see!" replies the driver. "We just got off route 150."

3 old lady's

3 old lady's are driving in the car. Two in the back and one driving. The lady driving notices that there is a cop with sirens on trying to pull them over. So they pull to the side of the road. As the officer approaches them he doesn't look surprised. The officer says to the women driving. Mam do you know how fast you were going there? She says yes I was going 15 mile per hour. The officer shakes his head and told the lady no mam I think you are looking at the freeway sign that says "highway 15". The women said oh no! the officer looked back at the two women in the back and saw that the to women are shaking and scared. The officer asks what's wrong with them? And the women says oh, we just got off the 125.

Cop pulls over a car for driving too slow

Cop walks up to the car & sees an elderly woman behind the wheel.
Cop: *Excuse me ma'am, can you tell me why you were driving so slow on the highway?*
Driver: *Officer, I was only going the speed limit. There was a sign back a half mile that said the it was 14mph.*
Cop: *Ma'am, the speed limit is 55mph, the sign you saw was for this road, Highway 14.*
Driver: *Oh my, that makes a lot of sense now. I apologize & I'll make sure I look closer at the signs.*
The cop then looks around the car & notices that all of the passengers look like they've seen a ghost.
Cop: *Is everyone alright?*
Driver: *Oh yes. They'll be fine. They always have that look on their face after I drive on memorial highway.*
Cop: *You mean highway 151?*
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(Edit spelling / punch line. re: comments)

An Unlikely Friendship

John is driving north on a highway after a sporting event when he comes to a single lane bridge. He checks the road and begins to cross the river, only to be hit head-on from the oncoming direction. The two cars are completely mangled, but the two drivers are completely fine. John notices that the man who hit him is wearing a jersey from a rival sports team.
The man who caused the accident said, "Hey man, sorry about your car... And even though we represent different teams, I think this is a sign that we should put our differences beside us."
John replies, "I think you're right." He goes and checks his trunk and remarkably pulls out an undamaged bottle of Jack Daniels. "Amazing! How about a drink to celebrate our new friendship?"
The driver agrees and takes a few swigs of the whiskey. He passes the bottle back to John who promptly throws the bottle over the bridge and into the river below. "Oi! What did you do that for? Weren't you going to have some for yourself? What about our new friendship?"
John smirks. "Tell that to the cops when they show up."

A blonde woman in a sports car is cruising down the highway...

...when she gets pulled over by a police car.
Who should step out of the police car but a female, blonde cop.
The cop walks up to the blonde in the sports car and says Hi. I noticed you were going a little fast back there. Can I see your driver's license?
The blonde grabs her purse and rummages around for a minute and then looks at the cop and says um, what does it look like?
The cop says It's a little square thing and it has your picture on it.
The blonde looks back in her purse and spots a little square compact mirror. She pulls it out and looks at it. Sure enough, right there in the middle is her face.
She hands it to the police officer. The cop takes a look at it and immediately hands it back.
Oh, I'm sorry, you're free to go. I didn't know you were a cop.

What can happen when a car breaks down?

A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk.
Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic.
Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks.
"My car just broke down," the woman responds.
"NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues.
"Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."

I got pulled over the other day

So I was driving down the highway in my new Mercedes doin' about 80mph. I see red and blue flashin' lights in my rear-view mirror. I think to myself, 'I'm in a new Mercedes! Who could catch me?' So I start speedin' up 90mph, 100mph, 110mph, 120mph. He's still there. So I pull over and the cop takes my license and papers without sayin' a word. He comes back and says, "I've been pulling people over all day for speeding. If you can give me an excuse that I haven't heard, I'll let you go." So I sit there for a second then say to the officer, "Well, sir, my wife left me to live with a police officer the other day. So I thought you were trying to give her back!"

so this guy is speeding down a highway, and a cop appears behind him and pulls him over.

the cop comes up to the man and says, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm just trying to get to my next show. I apologize."
the cop looks intrigued, and says "if you can prove to me you're a juggler, I'll let you go with a warning."
the man says, "officer, I don't have my equipment with me, I had to ship it seperately." the officer thinks for a minute, and brings back some flares from his car and lights them.
the juggler immediately starts throwing them up and catching them, and the officer is very impressed.
meanwhile, another man driving by pulls over and stops his car. he gets out and immediately walks into the back seat of the police car and closes the door. the officer comes back and says "why did you get into my car?"
the man replies, his words slurred, "i ain't never gonna pass that new sobriety test you got there"

A man buys a new BMW...

He decides to take it on the highway to see how fast it can go. Once he hits 100, he sees the red and blue lights of the cop car light up. He thinks to himself, maybe I can outrun the cop. So he continues to floor it. He makes it to 140, and the cop is still right behind him. So reluctantly he pulls over. The cop comes up and says to the man. Son, I'm at the end of my shift and you just racked up a ton of charges and paperwork for me. I'll tell you what, if you can give me the best story as to why you were speeding, I will let you go. The man sat there and thought for a minute and said. Well, 3 years ago my wife left me for a state trooper, and I was scared that y'all were bringing her back.

A cop pulls over a man and his wife

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,
"I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."
The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car."
The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?"
She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."

A car

A police officer stopped a car on the highway and went up to the driver. He saw the man, and said: "You've just won $1000 for wearing a seat belt! What are you going to do with your prize money?" The man thought, and said back: "Maybe go to the driving school and get my licence!" His wife told the cop: "Don't listen to him, he's a smartass when he's drunk".
All of this talking made a passenger in the back of the car wake up, and he blurted out: "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car. Why didn't you change the number plate?" A knock emerged from the trunk of the car, and the person in the trunk said: "Are we at the border yet?"

A cop pulls Schrodinger over off of the highway...

... The cop gets out of his cruiser and walks up to Schrodinger's car. He says to Schrodinger, "Hey, don't you work at the university around here?" Schrodinger replies "why, yes." The cop asks Schrodinger "I know the university is pretty rowdy and likes to party. Do you mind if I look around your car?" Schrodinger says "Sure." So the cop searches Schrodinger's car. When he opens the trunk, he finds a dead cat. The cop, stunned, walks back up to the driver's window and says to Schrodinger "Did you know you had a dead cat in the back of your car?" Schrodinger, quite angry now, says "Well I do now."

A cop pulls over a couple in a convertible for going way below the speed limit on a highway.

Cop: Are you aware that you were going 17 in a 60 zone?
Driver: No officer, the sign says 17 right there.
Cop: Sir, that's the route sign.
At this point the cop notices that the lady in the passenger seat is frozen in fear, staring forward, and her hair is a mess.
Cop: Sir, is your wife alright?
Driver: Oh, you see, we just got off of i87.
Joke is courtesy of my dad.

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190.

Blonde driver

A blonde was driving down the highway. Soon she heard sirens and saw lights behind her, and was pulled over. A cop, also a blonde woman, approached her door.
"You were speeding, miss," she said. "May I see your license?"
The blonde driver rummaged through her purse for a minute before looking up in confusion. "Well, what's it look like?" she asked.
"It's a small square thing with your picture on it," said the cop.
The driver looked again and finally pulled out a small mirror and handed it to the cop. The blonde cop looked at it and handed it back.
"Okay, you can go," she said. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were a police officer."