High Moment Jokes
24 high moment jokes and hilarious high moment puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about high moment that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest High Moment Short Jokes
Short high moment jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The high moment humour may include short exact moment jokes also.
- "What are the chances of me dying?" I asked my skydiving instructor, moments before jumping. "Very high," he said. "My wife just left me."
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High Moment Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about high moment you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean final moments jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make high moment pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar and sees that there are dozens of cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling.
Confused, he asks the bartender why this is.
Well, it's a promotion we are running. If you can jump up and grab one, you get a free New York s**... dinner, on us! But, if you attempt to do so and miss, you gotta buy one for every person here instead.
The guy takes a moment to scan the bar, counting up the number of patrons in his head, before turning to the bartender and replying
Ah, no thanks. The steaks are too high.
———
Shout out to my dad for telling me this joke dozens of times throughout my life. It never fails to get a laugh outta a new crowd. Thanks Joe, you da best.
I was amazed
As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes.
Once he arrives, a nurse asks him for a u**... sample. He complies, and moments later, the nurse comes back into the room with the results.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your u**.... You're diabetic." She says.
Disappointed, the man manages to reply, "Well, I'm still very thankful for your help today, nurse."
"Sure thing, sweet pee."
A retail worker was talking to a customer when they noticed some long, high pitched noises coming from the electronic section
'Your Macbooks aren't breaking are they?' mused the slightly concerned customer.
The worker listened to the noise for a moment before motioning offhandedly to the speaker section.
'Don't worry, it's just a Dell.'
A man walks into a butcher shop...
... one day and while he is browsing the meat selection the butcher approaches him and says, "I have an offer for you. If you can jump up and slap one of these peices of meat I have hanging here, I'll give you what you want for free. However if you can't reach them then you have to pay triple the amount." The man takes a moment to think it through and replies to the butcher, "Sorry, but the steaks are too high."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I may have witnessed the exact moment my high school became racist.
It's when they changed all the blackboards into whiteboards. There's no way they could just chalk it up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An american and a russian went to a bar
A couple of drinks later, the american flips a coin high in the air and shoots a hole through with a revolver, shouting
- BILL, BUFFALO BILL
A moment later the russian whips out three t**... and shouts:
- BILL, CHERNOBILL
Voltaire moments before death
I don't know if this has been on here but my high school teacher told me this a while ago.
On his death bed, a priest came to Voltaire's home and told him there was still time to go to heaven if he accepts Jesus as his lord and savior and reject the devil and all his beliefs.
Voltaire then says, now is not the time be making enemies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On a high traffic road...
"Excuse me sir, could I have a moment"
Guy, driving a car "Yes, how can I help you?"
"There's a t**... attack recently, and they have held hostage many of our country's leaders. They demand 1 billion by the end of today or they will shower our leaders with gasoline and burn them"
"oh, ok then. How much do other people usually gave you?"
"1 litre"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Finnish WWII air force verteran was about to give a talk to an American high school.
He was stereotypically Nordic: pale skin, fair hair, and a heavy accent.
He introduced himself and began with a vivid description of his first dogfight in the Lapland War. "Literally the moment after we take off and got through the fog we saw them. Eight pesky Fokkers were spread out and firing in front of me and my buddies. We had to go in defense position and try to outflank them, but they got flight leader. On second approach we shot a few down and dispersed the rest. On third approach I shot two Fokkers down, but another one got me in the rudder. I went into tail spin and had to bail out. Luckily the f**...-"
The principal of the school suddenly interjected, as at this point nearly everyone was laughing. "Now, students, please be respectful of our guest and where he is from. As some of you may know, a Fokker," the principal said slowly, carefully pronouncing the word, "is a type of German fighter plane used in World War II. There is no need to-"
The Finn had to interrupt, "Excuse me Mr. Principal, actually Fokker is Dutch. We were shooting down Messerschmitts."
During a fire, a women was stuck on the 4th floor with her baby.
Fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built man burst through the crowd and shouted to the woman. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely. After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop. The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and screamed, "Touchdown!"
The Thane Of Cawdor's (Scottish equiv. Of Earl) castle is protected by high stone walls. The weak point is the old wooden drawbridge, which is showing the first small signs of rot in some areas.
The smartest men in the castle assemble to advise the king, but all of their solutions involve paying for a brand new drawbridge, which the Scottish Thane is not a fan of.
Oh, the cost! He cried, isn't there anyone in the kingdom who has a better, cheaper idea for protecting the wood of this fine old drawbridge?
The court fool thinks hard for a minute, then having his eureka moment, steps forward towards his master and exclaims in a loud voice: urethane .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... Englishman and p**... Irishman
p**... Englishman and p**... Irishman are walking along the beach together, when they come upon a lamp in the sand. Being familiar with such clichés, they picked up the lamp, rubbed it, and lo and behold a genie appeared before them.
"For releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you both one wish each."
p**... Englishman goes first, and thinks silently for a moment:
"Well, genie, I love my country, and I'm sick of it being ruined by lazy immigrants who do nothing but live off of state benefits and handouts. I wish all the immigrants were gone from my country, and that it was just us English that lived there. Furthermore, I want a giant wall built around the coast and borders of England so nobody else can get in."
"Done" says the genie, and **p**...** p**... Englishman is back in England with the rest of his compatriots
"Genie," says p**... Irishman, "tell me more of this giant wall surrounding England"
"Well, it's over a mile high and half a mile thick. Nothing can get in or out." the genie replied
p**... Irishman thought for a moment, then looked to the genie and said:
"Fill it with water."
Quasimodo applies for a job at Notre Dame...
...with his younger brother, Semimodo. They meet the Prelate high up in the bell tower.
The Prelate says "why should I hire you Quasimodo?"
He replies "because I can ring the bell better than anyone! And using only my face!"
"Show me," says the Prelate, whereupon Quasimodo enthusiastically slams his face into the bell,which swings violently away. A moment later, it swings back, whacking him in the chest and out of the bell tower. He falls to his death.
"Well," says the Prelate to Semimodo. "Can you do better?"
"Of course!" is the reply and Semimodo pulls the bell rope as hard as he can with both hands. This time the bell swings even wider and on returning catches him square in the shoulder, sending him out of the bell tower and plummeting to his death.
Down below, two nuns come across the bodies.
"Who is this?" asks one, pointing at Quasimodo.
"I'm not sure, " the other sister replies, "but his face rings a bell."
"What about this other one?" she asks, pointing at Semimodo.
"I don't know either, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Brain Implant
Two brain-scientists are having an heated argument about wether or not having a brain implant that will explode when you say something s**... would benefit anyone:
Scientist #1:
"It would pressure them to think before they say something, thus making the amount of s**... things they say decrease."
Scientist #2:
"No it wouldn't. If they are already s**..., the implant would not aid them in the decision making process of wether something is s**... or not, thus not helping."
Seeing as they were not going to agree, they decided to put this theory to the test. They look through state high-school drop-out records until they think they have found somebody who would meet the requirements of this test. They contact him and explain the test their predicament and are astounded when agrees to have surgery.
After the surgery, the two scientists walk up the steps to the ICU. They find the patient in a hospital bed, playing on his phone.
Scientist #1:
"How do you feel?"
The man chooses his words carefully. After about 10 seconds of waiting, he replies
Man:
"I'm alright. I have quite the head ache though."
Scientist #1
"As expected. Do you have any concerns about the device?"
The man, after carefully choosing his words again replies:
"Yes."
He stops for a moment.
"Can it kill me?"
Boom.
Sorry if you didn't like it. It is one of my first jokes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Instructions for cleaning the toilet
**Instructions for cleaning the toilet:**
1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.
2. Take the cat in your arms and s**... it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.
3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.
4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying herself.
5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the Power-wash pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.
6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.
7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed she will be moving from the toilet to the front door.
8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.
A different kind of Jewish joke
A man, visibly distracted and upset, walks toward his synagogue and finds the rabbi on the front steps.
"Rabbi, rabbi, it's my son!"
"What is wrong, Joseph, what has happened to your son?"
"Well, rabbi, he just came back from his Birthright trip to Israel, and he tells me that he's now a Christian!"
The rabbi strokes his beard and says, "Funny you should mention that. My son too went to Israel, and he too came back a Christian..."
At this moment, a bright light parts the clouds and a booming voice sounds from on high: "Funny you should mention that..."
The unlucky boy.
I was walking along a high cliff one day and saw a little boy all alone and crying. I asked him, "Son, what are you doing up here all by yourself," to which he replied with tears in his eyes, "My mother is down there at the bottom, she fell."
"Thats terrible," I replied, "What about your father," I continued. The little boy, almost completely breaking down, to this inquiry responded, "He is down there right next to her, he tried to save her and he fell too." We then shared a quiet moment together, looking out at the sky over the lake.
It was then suddenly the young chap asked me why I was unbuckling my belt. "Son, today just isn't your day."
So a man walks into a butcher shop and eyes several of the finest steaks...
There are cuts of meat on shelves all throughout the store. The butcher likes how this man carries himself so he offers him a proposition. He says, "If you can grab the slab of meat on the shelf over there that you've been looking at since you got in here, you can have it for free. Otherwise you have to pay me $100."
The man thinks about this for a moment, seeing that the juicy appetizing steak is only a few shelves up, *maybe if I stretch I can grab it*...
But then he cracks and yells running out of the shop, "The stakes are too high!"
Inside the paper bag
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
9" high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting
it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful
Piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and
says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke
and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only
allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want
A million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed
by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your
genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"No kidding!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9 inch Pianist?"
A Lizard was walking one day and happened to look up and see a Koala getting high...
So the Lizard shouts "Hey Koala, what are you doing up there?"
The Koala responds by saying "Nothing man, just smoking a joint, want to come up for a bit?"
The Lizard agrees and quickly scurries up the tree. After a few passes, he tells the Koala he's extremely thirsty and the Koala reminds him that a river isn't far from the tree they are in.
The Lizard goes down the tree and races to the river but due to him being so high, once he gets to the water he slips and falls in. A Crocodile watching him swims over and saves the little Lizard from drowning.
"What's wrong with you?" asked the Crocodile.
"Dude, I was just in a tree smoking a joint with Koala and I got so thirsty and came to get a drink but I slipped and fell in," the Lizard replies
The Crocodile decides for himself he needs to go check out the Lizard's story and goes to find the Koala. After a few moments, he sees the Koala in the tree smoking a joint just as the lizard had said.
"Hey Koala!" Crocodile shouts at the tree.
The Koala looks down at the Crocodile and says:
Shiiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day, h**... decided to test out the skills of several prisoners in Treblinka.
As the first test, he had his soldiers bring him out the three prisoners, then line them up before him.
"How high can you jump?" he asks the first one.
"About 1 meter," answers the prisoner.
h**... nodded before turning to his soldier.
"Take this one back to work, but give him 1 kilogram of rye bread."
After the soldier did as he was told, h**... stood before the second prisoner.
"How high can you jump?" he asks again.
After a moment of thinking, the prisoner says.
"Two meters, if I really try."
h**... nodded before turning to his soldier again.
"Take this one back to work too, but give him two kilograms of rye bread."
Observing this, the third prisoner did the maths and hatched a plan.
Finally, h**... stood face to face with him.
"How high can you jump?" he asked him at last prisoner.
"My most illustrious Führer, I can jump 5 meters!" said the prisoner as a smug grin bloomed on his face.
h**... frowned before turning to his soldier.
"Tell me, Walter: how tall are the walls around the camp?"
"Three meters, my Führer!" cried the soldier.
h**... nodded again before turning to the last prisoner.
"In that case, shoot this one: he may become a problem in the future."
A Serb and an Albanian from Kosovo found a lamp, rubbed it and the Ginnie showed up in front of them.
"I will grant you three wishes for setting me free out of this lamp. But, since there are two of you, one can have two wishes and the other only one".
A Serb said: "I am very modest, I'll have one wish. Let my Albanian friend have two".
"What is your first wish?", the Ginnie asked Albanian.
"I wish that there are no Serbs in Kosovo at all any more".
"Done", said the Ginnie.
" What is your second wish?"
"I wish that whole of Kosovo is surrounded with high wall, so no more Serbs can return ever again".
" Done", said the Ginnie.
"Now you", sad the Ginnie to a Serb, "What is that you wish?".
A Serb was thinking for a moment, than asked the Ginnie: "Are there realy no more Serbs in Kosovo at all?".
"That's right", said the Ginnie.
"And whole of Kosovo is surrounded with high wall?", a Serb asked again.
"It certainly is. All around. Not even a fly could enter it now", the Ginnie replied.
Then Serb said: "OK, now fill it up with water""