Hick Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Hickory Dickory Dock

Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got through with only minor injuries.

Hickory Dickory Dock...

Three mice ran up the clock

The clock struck one

But the rest escaped with minor injuries.

(Something my grandfather told me when I was five)

Not a dadjoke - but he told it to me anyway...

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?'

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay, boys. He's one of us!"

A big city lawyer runs a stop sign

in a little Southern nowhere kind of town. He gets pulled over by the local sheriff. The lawyer, being very studied and knowledgeable, believes he can easily outsmart the poor hick. So the sheriff comes to his window and says, "You didn't stop at that stop sign." "It's okay officer, I slowed down," says the lawyer. In reply, the sheriff says, "Well yes, but that isn't stopping." "Oh, what's he difference?" the lawyer says annoyed with this stupid local cop. The officer makes the lawyer get out of the car, preparing to show him the difference. He takes out his nightstick and proceeds to beat he lawyer senselessly for about a minute. After this, the sheriff helps the lawyer to his feet and says, "Alright now sir, would you like me to stop or just slow down?"

A guy moves way way out to the country...

...miles from anything. One day there's a knock at the door, and he opens it to find a guy in full hayseed regalia, overalls, thermal shirt, the works.

Hick: "Howdy, new neighbor! Would ya like to come to a party at my place tonight?"

New guy: "Well, sure! I'm new to these parts, I sure would love to meet the locals."

Hick: "I gotta warn ya, there'll be some drinkin'."

New guy: "That's OK, I could use a drink."

Hick: "There'll be some salty language."

New guy: "That won't bother me."

Hick: "...and some rough sex."

New guy: "Hey, I'm in! How about if I bring a case of wine?"

Hick: "Nah, a bottle should do: it's just you and me."

Alabama college kid visiting Boston

So this Alabama Crimson Tide football player is visiting Boston. He's at a party and sees this pretty blonde girl, want to chat her up.
Goes over and says "What college does you go to?" She's not impressed by his down south accent and general rural hick ways, so she says "Yale." and looks away.
He lean over to her ear and says "WHAT COLLEGE DOES YOU GO TO?"

Hickory, Dickory, Dock ...

Three mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
And the rest escaped with minor injuries

Hickory dickory dock, the mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one

The rest barely escaped with their lives

A country boy gets into Harvard and meets his posh roommate...

He asks, "Hey, y'all know where the bathrooms are at?"

The roommate replies, "Here at Harvard, one would do well to know not to end their sentences in a preposition."

The hick responds, "Aight, where the bathrooms at shithead?"

The wager

A drunk man stumbles on to the bar. The bartender starts shouting, "Hey, you idiot, off the bar!"

"Wait, *hick* I bet you a 100 bucks, I can piss into that glass right in front of you."
The bartender agrees.

The man proceeds to piss all over the bar, and onto the bartender, who just starts laughing. The guy completely misses the glass. The bartender helps him down, and the guy hands him a 100 bucks.

"You dumbass, you could barely stand. What the hell were you thinking?"

"Well, I bet my friend 200 bucks I could piss on you and your bar, and you'd like it!"

Hickery dickery dock. The mice ran up the clock.

The clock struck one,
And the others suffered minor injuries.

A hick walks into a library

A hick walks into the library, walks up to the librarian and asks, "Hey man, where's your bathroom at?"
The librarian scoffs and says, "Young man, didn't anyone ever teach you that it is improper to end a sentence with a preposition?"
The hick replies, "Alright, where's your bathroom at, asshole?"

What do you call it when an inbred hick steals

...a six finger discount.

What do you call it when a redneck can dunk?

Hick Ups

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