Hey Mom Jokes

Little Johnny came home from school and heard the word "b*t**.

..." He asks his mom what the word meant and she responds, "It means priest." The next day little Johnny comes home and hears the word "sh*t" and asks his dad what it means. His dad answers, "It means food on the table." At school, he hears the word "f*cking" and asks his mom what it means. She responds, "It means getting ready." The next day a priest came over for dinner and little Johnny opened the door and says, "Hey son of a b*t**.... There's sh*t on the table and my parents are upstairs f*cking!"

Little Johnny came home from school and heard the word "b*t**.

..." He asks his mom what the word meant and she responds, "It means priest." The next day little Johnny comes home and hears the word "sh*t" and asks his dad what it means. His dad answers, "It means food on the table." At school, he hears the word "f*cking" and asks his mom what it means. She responds, "It means getting ready." The next day a priest came over for dinner and little Johnny opened the door and says, "Hey son of a b*t**.... There's sh*t on the table and my parents are upstairs f*cking!"

Little Johnny was at school one day, when he noticed that there was a large crowd of kids gathered around Little Billy.
Little Johnny walks up to Little Billy and says "Hey what's all the excitement about",
Little Billy says "Just showing everyone my new watch".
Little Johnny goes "Wow, that's a cool watch where did you get it?"
Little Billy says "Well, I walked in on my mom and dad having s**... over the weekend, and my dad was so mad he gave me spanking and sent me to my room".
The next day, he feel guilty about what he had done and went and bought me this cool Watch.
This gives Little Johnny a good idea.
Later that night, when Little Johnny was sent to bed, he stayed up listening and waiting for his mom and dad to go to bed.
Once he starts hearing noises coming from their room he runs down the hall, throws their bedroom door open, and yells "I want a watch!"
His dad looks over to Johnny and says "Well okay, but sit in the corner and be quiet!"

A man walks into a hotel and spots an attractive p**.....

He says to her, "Hey.. You wanna get a room?" winking. She smiles and says yes. They get to the room and he asks how much for a h**.... She says $250, and he says, "That much for just a h**...?! Thats ridiculous!" She points outside to a Ferrari and says, "I bought that car with just the money I made from h**...." He says, "Wow.. I guess I'll take a h**... then." So she gives him a h**... and he says, "That's the best h**... I've ever had. How much for a bj?" She says $500. "$500?! That's insane." "See that hotel across the street? I purchased that with just the money I've gotten with bj's" He says, "Wow.. I'll take one." She gives him a bj, and it was the best bj he's ever gotten. He then asks, "How much to pound your p**...?" She says, "See that casino? That's what I would of bought with all of my money if I was a woman."
Lol, my mom told me that joke today.

Theory Vs. Reality

So a boy comes home from school and his dad asks him "Hey son, how was school?" the boy replies "Pretty good dad, but my last subject was about theory and reality... and to be honest, I didn't get it at all". The dad takes a seat and says "Son, let me teach you. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she would have s**... with ANY man in the world, aside from me, for 1 million dollars." So the boy goes upstairs and asks his mother "Mom, would you have s**... with any guy aside from dad for a million dollars?" to which the mother replies "Well, your sister is going off to college and we just took a second mortgage on the house... yeah, I'd do it." So the boy goes downstairs to his dad and says "dad, she said she would do it for a million dollars!" So the father goes "Alright son, now go upstairs and ask your sister if she would have s**... with any guy but her boyfriend for a million dollars." the boy runs upstairs and asks his sister if she would have s**... with any guy but her boyfriend for a million dollars... she instantly says yes. the boy runs downstairs again and says "dad dad, she didn't even hesitate, she would do it!"
So the dad says "You see son? In theory, we're sitting on two million dollars. but in reality, we're living with a couple of w**..."

Theory and Reality

Young Jimmy has an assignment to distinguish the difference between theory and reality. Not sure how to start he asks his dad.
"Dad, I need help with this assignment."
"What is is, son?"
"I need to explain the difference between theory and reality"
"Ahhh, that's easy. Here... go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for one-million dollars.
So Jimmy goes and asks his mom, "Hey mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford for one-million dollars?" After a bit of contemplation, mom responds with a resounding yes. Jimmy goes back and tells his father the result.
"Ah-ha, just as I thought. Now, go ask your sister the same question about Brad Pitt."
Jimmy finds his sister and asks her. Without hesitation she says yes. Jimmy goes back to his father with the answer.
"...and there you have it, Jimmy."
"I don't get it dad." Jimmy responds.
Jimmy's father laughs and straightens up in his chair.
"In theory, we're sittin' on about two-million dollars... but in reality, we're living with a couple of w**...."

Triplet Trouble

A pregnant woman was shot three times in the stomach during the war. After the war, she gave birth to three beautiful sons. The years went by, and the kids became teenagers. One day, the first son comes to his mother and says:
"Mom, mom! I was peeing, and a bullet came out of me!" he says "That's fine, you had an accident when you were a baby." she explains.
A couple of days later, the second son comes screaming:
"Mommy! I was peeing and I peed a bullet!" he sobs "It's okay, that happened to your brother, too. Nothing to worry about." she comforts him.
The next week, the third son comes slowly walking to his mom, his face completely red, and says:
"Hey, mom... remember how bullets came out of my brothers last week?" he asks quietly "Yes, it's completely normal." she replies with a smile "Yeah, well, I was m**... and I shot grandma."