hey Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious hey stories

What are the best Hey puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Hey? Well here is a complete list of Hey to have fun with:

Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?

No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

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"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

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Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

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Hey girl are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day

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Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"

Father: "Ask your sister.

Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

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Milk

Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier

Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

Sperm bank employee: Oh no

Me: What

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk


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A boy and his dad are talking.

"Hey Dad."



"Yes son?"



"Did you ever get shot in the army?"



He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;



"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

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A horse walked into a bar



Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

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Hey girl, are you a broken compass?

Because I'm not really sure where I'm going with this

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I was walking around town the other day...

I was walking around town the other day when I saw these two jerk-offs wearing matching outfits, I mean, down to the *belt* same outfits, so I yelled to over to them "Hey faggots did you plan that?"

Anyways, they arrested me.

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I saw Denzel Washington on the street today.

I said "Hey Denzel! Can I get a picture with you?"
And he's all like "I'm not Denzel Washington you racist piece of shit."
Classic Denzel.

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Geologist have jokes too...

Steve: "Hey, what kind of rocks are these Dan?"

Geologist: "They're sex stones."

Steve: "What? Really?"

Geologist: "Yeah. They're just fucking rocks."

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An insolent teenager stomps off to her room...

Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"

Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"

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IT guy

John is being shown around the office by his new boss. They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at once. "That's incredible", says John. "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once". "Hey!" replied his boss. "That's stereotyping. "

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a joke that isn't racist

a guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks:

"hey do you know, tai quon do, ju jutsu, kung fu or any of that shit?"

offended the Asian man replies:
"what you think that just because i'm asian i know martial arts?"

the man replies: "nah its because you're drinking my fucking burbon"

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The very famous barber

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before Icon get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About three hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey. Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he haste wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A lithe while later. Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he let here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

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A farmer had three daughters...

and each was going on a date one Friday night.

The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"

Betty left with Freddy.

The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"

Flo left with Joe.

The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"

The farmer shot chuck.

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Drunk Husband

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

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The Talking Clock

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"

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There were 2 blondes...

So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".

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Hey, you wanna win?

Nah, we'll pass.

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Incorrect usage of the word 'Fuckin'

Bob had broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick - How you doing?

Bob - Fine. Hey will you do me a favor... go upstairs and get me my slippers. My feet are fuckin freezin.

Mick goes up and sees Bob's hot 21 year old twin sisters lying on the bed.

He tells 'em - Your brother sent me up to have sex with both of you.

They say "Prove it."

Mick shouts "Bob... both of them?"

Bob shouts back "Of course!! Whats the point of fuckin one?"

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Sure, white people can't say the n-word, but....

At least we can say, "hey dad", "thanks for the warning officer", and "that's my kid".

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Golden toilets

A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

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What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?

They both slowly remove clogs.

I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original.
Thanks for the gold !

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The costume party (Sorry if this is a repost. Best joke I know.)

A man, lets call him jim, goes to his buddys costume party wearing nothing but a pair of pants.
Jim's friend walks over to him and says "hey, jim... uh what are you supposed to be?"
Jim smiles and says "well im a premature ejaculation."
His friend looks puzzled and asks "okay, well why arent you wearing any shoes... or a shirt?"
Jim laughs and says "I just came in my pants!"

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A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed

The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"

The wife turned around and stripped naked.

The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"

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Can you touch your dick to your asshole?

One day a young boy is going into the kitchen to get some cookies. In the kitchen he runs into his grandpa who is drinking some whiskey. He asks "What's that grandpa, can I have some?"

In response grandpa asks "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

Taken aback the boy says "no"

"Well when you can touch your dick to your asshole, come back here and I'll share my whiskey with you."

Slightly offended the boy gets his cookies and begins to walk out of the room but his grandpa stops him.

"Hey kid, wanna give your old gramps one of those cookies?" he asks.

The boy turns to his grandpa and says "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

Grandpa grows a big wide grin "I sure can!" he says.

"Good," says the boy "then Go fuck yourself. These are MY fucking cookies."

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Freudian Slip...

A guy sits in his seat on an airplane, red-faced, and turns to the guy next to him. "Oh man. I just made the worst Freudian slip. The ticket agent was really well-endowed and instead of asking her for a ticket to Pittsburg, I asked her for a picket to tittsburg. So embarrassing!"

The guy he's sitting next to says, "Hey buddy. I'm right there with you. This morning I'm sitting at breakfast with my wife, and instead of saying, 'Honey, could you please pass the cream', I say, 'You fucking bitch, you ruined my life.'"

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Two old guys decide to go out for drinks before they die.

Before Marty and Sam die they decide to go out for old times sake and just get properly gone showed at the bar. About 8 or 9 pints in Marty gets an idea. "Hey Sam, what do you say we get laid one more time before we clock out." Excited and drunk out of their minds they decide to go to the local whore house down the street. They lady at the counter realizes how drunk they are and decides if she puts them in a couple rooms with a blow up doll they won't know the difference. They get to their rooms go in and about 15 minutes later they come out. Sam looks at Marty and says "man if I didn't know any better I'd say my girl was dead cause she was cold and didn't move once. Marty says "Sam your lucky cause I'm pretty sure mine was a witch. I was nibbling on her neck and she farted and flew out the window."

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Walter White decided to buy a pizza for his son

Walter: Hey son I bought you a pizza so you can share it with your friends.

Flynn: Thanks dad, how much do I owe you?

Walter: It's on the house.

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So a Jewish pedophile walks up to a kid

and says "Hey want to buy some candy?"

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A reporter is interviewing Stevie Wonder


They talk about all the amazing music he has created over the years and the incredible things he has done with his life and as a last question the reporter asks:

"But don't you wish you hadn't been born blind?"

and Stevie replies "Hey, it could've been much worse - I could have been born black"

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Joke in honor of mole day

Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "I don't know guys all I smell is some molasses"

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Hey, are you -273.15Β°C?

Yeah, I'm 0K thanks.

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A rope walked into a bar...

A rope walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve your kind here! No ropes allowed!" The rope left, tied his top end, and fluffed out the fringe. He reentered the bar, and the bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just threw out?" "No," the rope said. "I'm a frayed knot."

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I was in a pub...

I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

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What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Highlander?

Mick Jagger sings, "Hey you, get off of my cloud . . ", while the Scottish Highlander yells, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

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Two Blondes are out on a hike....

....when one looks down and sees some tracks. "Hey look, deer tracks!" she exclaims. The other blond looks over and says, "Those aren't deer tracks! Those are rabbit tracks!" After about 10 minutes of bickering about what type of tracks they are, they get hit by a train.

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In the prison shower

A man is being send to prison, on the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly

"With or without spit?!"

The man thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stammers

"With spit"

To which the giant shouts to another inmate.

"Hey come on over Spit, this dude wants a threesome!"



*Have mercy on my joke, I am not a native English speaker and this joke might work better in German.*

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A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like penises. "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.

"Hey, captain, what's with all the potatoes looking like penises. I don't like it," he says.

The captain replies, "Well you can't change it. This is a dictatorship."

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Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday!

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?

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The other day I saw Denzel Washington walking down the street.

I shouted to him ,"Hey Denzel!" He responded, "Does every black man look like Denzel Washington to you?"

Classic Denzel.

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Little boy in custody battle.

Hey mother and father were in a heated custody battle for their son. The judge asks the little boy,"Do you want to go live with your mother?". Little boy replied,"No she beats me." The judge says "Oh,do you want to live with your dad?". Once again the little boy replied " No, he beats me." so the judge asks,"Well who do you want to live with?". Little boy looks at the judge and says, "The Dallas Cowboys they don't beat anybody."

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A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?

The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…

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A piece of rope walks into a bar...

Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve rope here"

Rope walks outside, frizzes up his hair, and ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar.

Bartender says "Hey, aren't you the same piece of rope that I just kicked out of here?"

Rope says "No, I'm a frayed knot"

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Irish Nuns

Two Irish nuns, old and young, were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulled up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior thought this would be a good test for the novice, and turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."

So, Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin' wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough, Sister?"

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Two guys are walking down a dark alley

when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.

They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."

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So, Jesus and Satan are sitting on a park bench one day

...just chilling, and Satan asks, "Hey JC, what's it called when little chunks of ice fall from the sky? It's not like I get to see it very often."

Jesus says, "Hail, Satan."

And Satan's all like, "YEEEEEAH, BOI!"

And Jesus is all like, "Oh, you."

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I'll never forget

I'll never forget what my grandfather said to me right before he kicked the bucket.

"Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best hey jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty hey gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these hey jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

Can I save Hey jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Like your favorite jokes so we can rank them by their likes count. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

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