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Hey Guess What Jokes

69 hey guess what jokes and hilarious hey guess what puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hey guess what that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Hey Guess What Short Jokes

Short hey guess what jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hey guess what humour may include short guess what happened jokes also.

  1. If I had a dime for every time I didn't think something through... I'd have...well, I don't know really, I guess a lot of dimes.
    Oh hey, just found a dime.
  2. "hey man— you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot" I guess you could say *[stares muthafuckingly]*... I made a grave mistake.
  3. Father: Hey son, guess what, you're ADOPTED. Son: WOAH! I wonder who my real father is?
    Father: It's me, your new father is on his way
  4. A man to his friend: Hey man, why are you so fat? Friend: I don't know, it runs in the family I guess.
    Man: Man, ain't nobody able to run in your family.
  5. Bad religious joke I created. One day Jesus is talking to god and says,
    "Hey dad, guess what I did today?"
    God: "What?"
    Jesus: "I walked on water."
    God: "No way."
    Jesus: "Yahweh!"
    Badum, tss
  6. Hey, did you hear? Hope Hicks is set to resign as White House Communications Director. I guess you could say Trump has No Hope Left. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
  7. Two men are sitting in a bar Two men are sitting in a bar. One leans to the other and says "Hey Patrick, if you can guess how many pints I have behind my back I'll give you both of em"
  8. The Mob Hey, guess who has both thumbs and owes money to mafia.
    *Gestures towards self with thumbs*
    *Puts on a serious face* No one has both thumbs and owes money to the mafia.
  9. Hey, I guess I have a trophy wife too! Lately, I've been hearing how she's giving participation awards all around town.
  10. People say that s**... ed classes in America are uncomfortable. But I think that history classes in Germany are worse. "Hey kids, you'll never guess what your grandparents did..."

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Hey Guess What One Liners

Which hey guess what one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hey guess what? I can suggest the ones about guess what love and guess what chicken.

  1. Wife: Hey, guess this "What always increases, but never decrease?" Husband: Your weight?
  2. Hey I want a White Riot... I guess I can't go to Baltimore...
  3. Hey everyone! Guess what! Deez nuts
  4. Hey Star Wars fans I guess it's time to Carrie on...
  5. Hey you... guess what... LEGS!! Now go spread the word
  6. Hey, guess what? effective. 
    Power
    لُلُصّبُلُلصّبُررً ॣ ॣh ॣ ॣ
  7. Hey guys guess what Your mom
  8. Hey do you guys remember m**... hornets? I guess God decided to drop plot Bee
  9. Hey guys guess what f**....

Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Hey Guess What Jokes

What funny jokes about hey guess what you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hey dude jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hey guess what pranks.

I surf the web a lot, and I guess I was using too much bandwidth, because the other day I got an automated phone call from my service provider. It was The Rolling Stones singing, "Hey, you. Get off of my cloud!"

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.
"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep one?"
The shepherd has hundreds of sheep and feels confident enough to agree. The redhead looks over the flock and says, "361." The shepherd is stunned that she guessed correctly but, being a man of his word, allows her to pick out her favorite. The redhead is about to put her new pet in her car when the shepherd calls out to her.
"Hey Lady! If I can guess your real hair color, may I have my dog back?"
 
My sister was not amused.

A holocaust survivor goes to heaven...

A holocaust survivor dies and goes to heaven and upon entry through the Pearly Gates, meets God and says, "hey, do you want to hear a Holocaust joke?"
To which God replies, "I guess, go ahead."
After the joke God responds, "that was not funny."
The Holocaust survivor answers in turn, "well, I guess you had to be there."

A man walks into a hotel and spots an attractive p**.....

He says to her, "Hey.. You wanna get a room?" winking. She smiles and says yes. They get to the room and he asks how much for a h**.... She says $250, and he says, "That much for just a h**...?! Thats ridiculous!" She points outside to a Ferrari and says, "I bought that car with just the money I made from h**...." He says, "Wow.. I guess I'll take a h**... then." So she gives him a h**... and he says, "That's the best h**... I've ever had. How much for a bj?" She says $500. "$500?! That's insane." "See that hotel across the street? I purchased that with just the money I've gotten with bj's" He says, "Wow.. I'll take one." She gives him a bj, and it was the best bj he's ever gotten. He then asks, "How much to pound your p**...?" She says, "See that casino? That's what I would of bought with all of my money if I was a woman."
Lol, my mom told me that joke today.

So a man walks in to a CVS..

and he goes to the female cashier and asks how he can know what size c**... he should wear. She tells him to step behind the counter, she unzips his pants, gives him a few tugs and says "Medium". He buys his condoms and tells his buddy "Hey, there's this girl at the CVS who can guess your c**... size just by looking!". His buddy, being a 'skeptic' goes and checks it out. She follows the same routine and says "large". He calls his friend when he gets home and is ecstatic. His 14 year old brother overheard the conversation and decided to 'try it out' for himself. So he goes to the CVS and asks the cashier what size c**... he is, she asks him behind the counter, gives him a few tugs and says "Clean up on register 5!".
**tl;dr - h**....**

A dog walks into the vet's office

A dog walks into the vet's office and he meets another dog. This other dog looks petrified. The first dog says, "Hey pal, what's the matter?"
The second dog says, "I can't stop h**... things. I h**... the sofa. I h**... the pillows. I can't help myself. The final straw came when I h**... a guest's leg. I'm here to get neutered."
The first dog says, "I have a similar problem. The other night my master's wife was wearing a short robe and when she bent over to take her slippers off, I mounted her and started h**... her."
The second dog frowns and says, "I guess you're here to get neutered too."
The first dog winks and says, "Nah, just getting my nails clipped."

Jesus and his disciples are fishing in heaven....

After a while Peter says, "hey Jesus, remember when you walked on water...that was awesome!" Jesus says, "Yeah, that was fun! I'm going to do it again!" He steps off the boat and immediately sinks to the bottom of the lake. After a lot of effort the disciples manage to get him out of the lake. Paul asks, "Jesus, what happened?" Jesus responds, "I don't know...I guess last time I wasn't as holy...."

So a city boy moves to the country.

Bob always hated his big city life, so one day he sold all his possessions and moved to the countryside.
Proud of the new land he purchased he felt like exploring one day, so he got on his horse and follow the old barbed wire fence til he spotted a man
"Hey there! how's it going? I'm Bob and I came here to get away from the city!"
"izzat so?" the man replied "well in that case, I guess I should be invitin' ya to a neighborhood party happenin' at my place tonight. but I should warn ya city boy, out in the country we like to drink a lot at our parties"
"well" bob said "in the city the bars are open all night, I think I can handle the drinking"
"Ok, if you say so. out here in the country we also tend to fight when we drink"
"oh, well the city is a violent place too, I think I can handle myself."
"Alright don't say I didn't warn ya, there's one more thing though, our parties can get a little wilder, and though the church don't condone it, pre-marital s**... tends to happen too."
bob chuckling to himself at this point said " well I think I can handle that too. I'll be sure to swing by tonight. By the way, just so I fit in, is there any sort of dress code I should follow so I don't stand out?
"oh you don't worry 'bout that, just show up in whatever feels comfortable. It's just gonna be the two of us tonight"

Two r**...

A r**... sees another carrying a bag, he stops him and says. Hey buddy what do you have in that bag? The other replies chickens, why? The first says, if i guess how many chickens you got in that bag there can i have one? The r**... holding the bag of chickens says, if you guess how many chickens are in this bag ill give you both of them!

So this guy buys a centipede from the pet store...

he takes it home and sets it up in its aquarium, and lets it get settled in for a while. After a few hours the guy gets bored and goes up to the centipede and asks, "hey, centipede, you wanna go out and get a drink? check out the ladies? you know, just hang out?" But the centipede doesn't say anything. The guy thinks, "it must be getting used to its new environment or whatever," and he goes to bed.
The next day after work, the guy's watching TV and he gets bored, so he goes up to the centipede again and taps on the aquarium glass, and says "HEY, centipede, you wanna go out, get a drink, maybe check out the ladies? Just hang out or whatever?" and the centipede doesn't say anything. The guys thinks, "that's weird, i wonder if it's sick or something. i'm not sure how centipedes are supposed to act i guess." and he shrugs it off and goes to bed.
The third day, after work, the guy gets bored watching TV and goes to the centipede again, this time getting a little exasperated. "HEY! CENTIPEDE! Do you wanna go out and get a DRINK, check out the LADIES or something?" and the centipede yells back, "I heard you the first time man, I'm getting my shoes on!"

probably won't get him laid

A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow." she said while winking at him.
"Yes, I guess I did." came his reply.
"Who are you?", she asked. "Cupid throwing love arrows?"
"No, I'm Legolas killing orcs"

Jesus and Moses are hanging out by the Red Sea

(this takes place present day...). So Jesus asks moses, "hey Moses...you still got da funk?" Moses says "yeah buddy!", and walks out to the sea, holds up his staff, and majestically makes the Red Sea part in the middle.
He puts his staff down, walks back, and asks, "so how bout you JC? do you still got da funk?"
Jesus replies, "I don't know man, its been a long time, but let me try".
Jesus walks to the sea and begins to walk on water. He takes a couple steps, but then sinks into the water. He walks back very sad. "well moses, I guess I just don't have it in me anymore".
"Hey don't feel so bad Jesus", Moses replies, "last time you did that, you didn't have those holes in your feet".

A plane from J.F.K. is coming in to land at a rural airport in Arkansas at midnight.

Mouthy pilot turns to his co-pilot, winks & says "watch this"......
"Pilot to control tower......hey there h**..., guess who!!"
Control tower switches off the airport lights.....
"Control tower to pilot....... Hey there Yankee, guess *where!!*"

Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."

A guy gets stranded on a deserted island with a supermodel...

After about two weeks, they give in to their desires and start having s**.... After about three weeks of this, the guy says to the model, "Would you do me a favor?" "Sure she says." "First, put my clothes on," he says. "Next, would you draw a beard and mustache on your face with this piece of coal I found?" "Sure," she says hesitantly. "Finally, can I call you Fred?" he asks. "Okay... " she agrees. "Great! Hey Fred, you'll never guess who I've been b**... for the last three weeks!"

So a son comes home to find his father watching television...

- Son: ''Hey dad, some chick just told me I looked hot!''
- Dad: ''Oh yeah? And what psychiatric institution was she from?''
- Son: ''Same one as mom, I guess!''
huehuehuehue

A bear walks into a bar...

And says to the barman: "Give me a gin..."
.
.
.
"And tonic."
The barman, curious, asks while preparing the drink: "Hey mate, why the big pause?"
To what the bear replies "I don't know... I guess my father had them too".

A guy is lost in the mall and start shouting for his wife.

Alice! Alice!, suddenly he hears another voice shouting the same name Alice!! Alice!, he turns and looks at him and shouts HEY! is your wife named Alice too? No but I guess since shes b**... a guy like you I got a shot. Alice!

It's 2004 and George W Bush is on the campaign trail...

He stops at a small-town midwest diner for breakfast. After taking a seat he is greeted by a pretty young waitress.
"Mr president, what an honor it is to be serving you. So what will you be having this morning?"
Dubya looks up from his menu, smiles, and says "How about a q**...?"
The waitress is appalled. "Mr president! I voted for you because I thought you stood for morals! And family values! I guess you're no better than Clinton."
After she storms off, one of the president's advisors leans over and says "Hey, uh, George, it's pronounced *keesh*."

Hot dogs

Two foreigners arrive in America for the first time, in New York City. They step out into the city and see a hot dog stand. One says to the other "wow - they eat dogs in America? Well I guess we should give it a try". They each get a hot dog and sit down to eat. After a minute of just staring at his hot dog, one turns to the other and says "hey... what part did you get?".

A guy in a van pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce

at a red light and asks, "Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?" The Rolls owner nods.
"So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?" The Rolls owner nods again. "Me too. What about a double bed?"
"No. Do you?" asks the Rolls guy.
"Yep." The light changes and the van takes off. Jealous, the Rolls guy heads to a p**... My Rolls customising shop and gets a double bed installed, then drives around until he finds the van parked on the side of the road. He raps on the window.
"Guess what? I got a double bed put in my car, too."
The van owner peers out. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

a pervert calls a retirement home

an old lady picks up.
he starts directly "hey granny guess what i am holding in my hand ? "
granny replies " oh if it fits in one hand only then i am not interested "

Two blondes meet on a village road.

One of the blondes was carrying a large gunny bag over her shoulder.
'Hey there,' hailed second blonde, 'what is in the bag?'
'Chickens,' came the reply.
'If I guess how many, can I have one?'
'You can have both of them.'
'OK.. five?' Said the second blonde.

A Blonde Joke

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"
The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"
He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.
"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"
"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

A man rubs a lamp and a genie pops out and grants him a wish.

Genie: What is it you wish for mortal?
Man: Well, I'd like to stop second guessing myself all the time.
Genie: Really?, Is that what you really want to wish for?
Man: Hey, its my wish so I get to-...Heyy!

A dog walks into a bar.

A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender in the eye and says, "Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink?"
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "Sure, the toilet's right around the corner."

One day, I went to a cafe.

The cafe was full with couples, no seat available for me. But, I was determined to get a seat there. What did I do?
I took my mobile and made a fake call (actually no call at all) and start talking, "Hey dude! Do you have your girlfriend with you?"
I noticed that few of the girls were staring at me!!
I continued to talk over mobile " Ohho!! That means she is dating with someone else, I think. You kow, I can see yor girlfriend with another person here in this cafe."
Can you guess, what happened?
Few of the girls left the cafe before my fake call ended!! Ha ha ha.

So, an elementary teacher in Chicago is on her first day at the job...

To get to know her students, she asks "Hey, which of you guys love the White Sox?" and everyone but one of her students exitedly raises their hands.
So she asks the single student why he doesn't love the White Sox. And the kid replies "Uh, I dunno... my mother was a cheerleader for the Cubs, and my dad played for them, and they met that way... so, of course I love them?".
And the teacher says "Oh. But you don't have to love a team because of your parents. If your father was a random p**... and your mother was some crack-w**...?".
"I guess then I'd be a White Sox fan...".

A r**... was walking down the road carrying a bag...

His friend happened to pass by and asked, "Hey, bud, what's in the bag?"
"Chickens," he answered.
"Say, if I can guess how many chickens you got in there, will you give me one?"
"Heck, if you can guess how many, I'll give ya both of 'em!"

An 80 year old man goes to the doctor

The doctor tells him that he needs a s**... sample. He hands the old man a small jar and tells him to bring it back the next day. However, it's empty when he returns it. The doctor says, "Hey, I told you I needed to take a s**... sample" to which the old man replied "Well doc, I tried, I really did. I couldn't do it, so I called my wife, and she couldn't do it. She suggested that we try out neighbors, but they were no help, so they called up their daughter in Wyoming to come over to try. She wasn't able to either. We thought that maybe we had to all try at the same time, but it didn't work. Guess some jars are just impossible to open."

Guy goes in for a checkup...

... Doc says, "Mister, I've got bad news, and I've got worse news. Which do you want first?"
The guys says, "Jeez Doc, I guess give me the worse news first."
Doc says, "You've got AIDS. You're gonna die."
"Oh man that's terrible! What's the bad news?"
Doc replies, "You've got Alzheimer's."
"Hey, you know at least I don't have AIDS."

A man is planning his vacation,

As he does so, a friend swings by and offers to help:
-Hey man, may I suggest the Maldives? Had an amazing time there.
-I'm not taking any advice from you! Back in 98, you suggested Rome, I went there and my wife got pregnant, in 2007 you suggested Brazil, I went there and my wife got pregnant, then, in 2013 you suggested France, and, guess what? My wife got pregnant, again!
-Well that's not my fault! You should just start taking your wife with you!

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"
The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"
He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.
"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"
"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Bubba and Clem k**... back on their porch ...

Bubba and Clem k**... back on their porch, wearing their overalls, chewing on a piece of grass.
Bubba: "Hey Clem, y'all 'member that Farmer's Daughter from lass week?"
Clem: "Ye-up", as a smile crosses his face.
Bubba: "Clem, you really care if'n she gets all pregnant?"
Clem: "Nah'really, and bu'now, she lon' gone, leff da county."
Bubba: "So, I'ma guess'n we'all can take off these here condoms now."
Clem: "Ye-up."

Sh***y Joke I came up with when I was little

A man was talking to his pet ox. He asked the ox Hey ox, what's your favorite number? The ox replied, I don't know. I guess I'll go with 1. The man thought for a second then exclaimed, But Ox, why not number 2? The ox replied, Constipation .

"Hey, did you end up going to that exclusive d**... party?"

... oh, I guess that makes sense—most people weren't allowed to come

A man walks into a bar...

... sits on the bar stool and lets out a deep sigh.
The bartender notices asks "What the problem Joe?"
The replies "My wife is upset. She told me I dont complement her enough. I told her shes a simple woman but apparently she heard that before."
"Hey Joe, I got a thesaurus over there. Maybe you could surprise her."
"All right Bob thanks!"
The next day the man is back at the bar, sits on the bar stool, and lets out a deeper sigh.
Before the bartender could ask, the man exclaims "I guess calling her a basic b**... isnt the same as a simple woman."

Choices

A man in a nursing facility turned 80. At his party, a large cake was wheeled in, and an e**... popped out of the cake and said, "Hey birthday boy, would you like to have some super s**...?" And the old man replied, "I guess it depends on what kind of soup."

Yet another art major joke

An artist walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, here's an art joke. How do you get an art major off your front porch? You pay for the pizza!" the bartender jests. "Oh, very funny. I'll have you know that now that I have my fine arts degree I don't have to deliver to people anymore. In fact, people come to me, money in hand, explaining what they want me to create," the artist indignantly replies. "Then let me guess .... you tell them to pull up to the next window," the bartender says.

A Holocaust survivor dies and goes to Heaven.

Upon meeting God, he decides to tell a Holocaust joke.
After hearing it, God said "Hey, that's not funny."
To which the Holocaust survivor replied, "Well, I guess you had to be there."

A kid is selling lemonade…

The boy's sign reads 1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1
A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade.
"25 cents", says the kid.
The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.
As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: "Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75¢… Maybe lemonade stands aren't your thing."
"I guess you're right" says the kid good-naturedly as he sets up the next 3 cups.

The guessing game

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown.
She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
\- "Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"
The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"
He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.
\- "I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"
\- "Hey lady," says the shepherd, "if I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

A Rabbi dies and goes to Heaven.

God is there and welcomes him.
"Hey God, you wanna hear a Holocaust joke?"
"That's weird, but yeah, go ahead" so the Rabbi tells him the joke.
"I don't get it" says God.
"Well, I guess you had to be there" says the Rabbi.

jokes about hey guess what