Hey Dude Jokes
83 hey dude jokes and hilarious hey dude puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hey dude that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Hey Dude Short Jokes
Short hey dude jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hey dude humour may include short dude jokes also.
- Dude 1: Hey, bro? Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure
- my mate rang me earlier.... My mate rang me earlier and says "Hey dude, what you up to?" "Probably failing my driving test" I say
- I saw a man fall on the ground and his wife yelled, "Someone call him an ambulance!" So I yelled back "Hey dude, you're an ambulance!" and left. Hope he's ok.
- HEY, HOW ARE YOU? - Dude, press the Caps Lock key on your keyboard!
- WOW, THIS IS MUCH BETTER, I DON'T HAVE TO HOLD DOWN SHIFT ANYMORE - The color black is out drinking with his friends. Black says to the bartender, "Hey, something isn't right. Where is all the color white?"
Bartender says, "dude, this is a gray bar. - A T-Rex and a Dude walk into a bar.... Dude says "Hey T-Rex, ya got the first round?"
T-Rex says "Sorry dude, I'm short handed" - Man: Hey Bolt! Get in the car, I'll drop you home! Usain Bolt: Sorry dude, I'm in a hurry.
- Sodium Person 1: "Hey dude do you know what the symbol for Sodium is?"
Person 2: "Na"
Person 1: "I'll ask someone else then thanks anyway" - I want to get one of those LA hats everyone has nowadays When people go to ask me "hey man, are you from Los Angeles?"
I'll be like "nah dude,I just really like the french feminine definite article" - Two atoms One atom says to the other, "you're a weird dude. You know that?" The other atom responds "hey man, we all have some quarks."
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Hey Dude One Liners
Which hey dude one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hey dude? I can suggest the ones about hey baby and howdy.
- Hey dude, do you have any sodium hypobromite? NaBrO
- Dude: "Hey Alexa, set a daily alarm for 420pm" Alexa: "Police car dispatched"
- Hey dude, can you make a pamphlet for me? For you bro? Sure.
- Best pickup line in jail: "Hey dude, did you just drop that soap behind you?"
- Hey bros, what do you call a Persian king? A shah, dude!
- Friend 1 "hey dude what's your PSN name?" Friend 2 "did you just assume my platform!"
- Hey dude! Would we be considered in-laws if I slept with your wife? No... we'd be even.
- What do the tomato say to another. Hey dude! Ketchup!
- Hey dude know what happened at the beach the other day? Yeah it was pretty severe
- "Hey dude, have you ever considered being a comedian?" Yes but everyone laughed at me.
- What did the eight year olds dad say to MJ at the beach? Hey dude, get out of my son!!
- "Hey bro, I just saw your girlfriend making out with another dude!" asdasd
Hey Dude Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about hey dude you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hey dad jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hey dude pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "
Hey, you wanna hear a r**... story?"
The guy says, "Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds, an' ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there's Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a r**.... And the boy next to him? Mike's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a r**..., too. Now, do you still want to tell your r**... story?"
The fella says, "Naw, you're right... I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
A little lizard
A little lizard is walking through the jungle one day and spots a koala bear up in a tree.
"Hey, what are you doing?" asks the little lizard. Koala bear replies, "I'm getting high, come up and join me."
So the little lizard climbs the tree and shares a joint with the koala bear. Pretty soon the little lizard gets thirsty, he spots the river and says he's going to go get a drink. So the little lizard climbs down the tree, walks over to the river and as he is drinking he ends up falling in. An alligator saw this and rushes over to help the little lizard out of the water.
"What the heck are you doing?" asks the alligator.
"Well, I was getting high with the koala bear in the tree and then I got thirsty and then...."
"Whoa, wait a minute. You were getting high with a koala bear? I've got to see this." Says the alligator as he goes walking off into the jungle.
The alligator spots the koala bear in the tree and shouts up "Hey, what are you doing up there?"
The koala bear looks down and says "Shiiiiiiiiiiit, Dude, how much water did you drink?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a Lizard and a Koala sit in a tree an smoke a joint...
They are smoking, talking, simply having a good time. After about an hour, the lizard says: "Man, I'm so thirsty... I gotta go down to the river and drink some water." So he climbs down the tree and goes to the river. There an aligator is chilling in the water and shouts: "Hey Lizard, whats going on? What're you up to?"
"Hey my friend, I'm over there in the tree, smoking p**... with the Koala, wanna join us?"
"Haha sure, gotta see this." goes the Aligator. So he climbs out of the water, and starts walking towards the tree. The Koala sees him, opens his eyes in amazement and says:
"Dude... How much did you drink???"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
With Vaseline or without?
skinny white guy gets thrown into jail when this b**... dude comes over to him and says "hey kid, it's me and you tonight!", later that night the b**... dude rips him a new one.
The next morning, the guy can barely walk when at lunch the black dude comes over to him and says "kid, tonight it's me & you again. However, tonight I'll let you decide if you want it with Vas or without. The poor guy thinks to himself "well, if i'm gonna get r**... anyway, at least let me have some relief" so he says "with Vas".
Black guy turns around and screams to his buddy "Hey Vas, you're in"!!!
Bob and Jim go hunting.
After spending several hours wandering through the woods, they become thoroughly lost in the wilderness. Disoriented, they sit down to discuss what to do next.
"Hey, I have and idea," says Bob. "If we each fire three shots into the air, someone will hear them and come to help us." So each of them fires three shots into the air.
An hour later, nobody has come to help Bob and Jim, so they decide to fire three more shots.
Another hour passes, and Bob and Jim are still lost and alone. "OK, let's try this one more time," says Bob.
"Dude, this had better work," replies Jim. "These are our last arrows."
Need a push
A few months ago, in the middle of the night my doorbell rings. I schlep down the stairs and open the door to find some guy there who was obviously drunk. He says to me "can you give me a push"? Of course, being the people person that I am, I said "Dude, it's 3:00am, and it's raining".
So I slammed the door in his face and went back up the stairs. My wife asked who it was and I told her. She scolded me, saying "don't you remember that time we broke down and someone helped us? You need to get down those stairs and help that poor man."
I opened the front door and didn't see him, so I called out "Hey, are you still here"? I heard him answer "yes". So I called out "do you still need a push"? He answered "yes". I called out "Where are you?"
He said "Over here. On the swing."
A Lizard was walking one day and happened to look up and see a Koala getting high...
So the Lizard shouts "Hey Koala, what are you doing up there?"
The Koala responds by saying "Nothing man, just smoking a joint, want to come up for a bit?"
The Lizard agrees and quickly scurries up the tree. After a few passes, he tells the Koala he's extremely thirsty and the Koala reminds him that a river isn't far from the tree they are in.
The Lizard goes down the tree and races to the river but due to him being so high, once he gets to the water he slips and falls in. A Crocodile watching him swims over and saves the little Lizard from drowning.
"What's wrong with you?" asked the Crocodile.
"Dude, I was just in a tree smoking a joint with Koala and I got so thirsty and came to get a drink but I slipped and fell in," the Lizard replies
The Crocodile decides for himself he needs to go check out the Lizard's story and goes to find the Koala. After a few moments, he sees the Koala in the tree smoking a joint just as the lizard had said.
"Hey Koala!" Crocodile shouts at the tree.
The Koala looks down at the Crocodile and says:
Shiiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
That holocaust joke reminded me of this one I heard about 2 Mexican dudes.
2 Mexican guys move to America from Mexico. They decide to each go their own way and try to adapt to the culture of their new home. A year later they bump into each other.
Mexican guy 1: Hey man! Long time no see! How have you been adapting? I got really into NASCAR, I got this American flag tattoo, and I even started my own business! I'm living the American dream! What about you?
Mexican guy 2: Go back to Mexico, s**...!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A koala bear is smoking a joint...
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint, When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so s**... that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too s**... and fell into the river while taking a drink... The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!' So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink!?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint...
when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"
The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink.
The lizard, so s**..., leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?"
The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too s**... and fell in while taking a drink.
The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you."
The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint...
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Joke from orange is the new black
So a penguin and a farmer walk into a bar. The penguin starts eating the tiny fancy drink umbrellas. The Bartender says to the Farmer, "Hey, your eggplant's gotta pay for those." And so the Penguin says "Dude, he's not an eggplant, he's r**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Kuala and the Lizard
So this Koala is sitting in a tree smoking a spliff. Small lizard walks by and ask the Koala what he's doing. Koala says "Having a spliff man, come up and have a few puffs..."
So up the lizard goes, but after a few drags he's thirsty. Koala says "No problem little dude, just little bit down the road there's a river, go have a drink."
So off the lizard goes, but when he gets to the river he is so s**... he falls into the river onto the crocodiles nose. Crocodile squints at the lizard, says " Hey man, what's up with you, why you falling all over the place?"
Lizard says "Man you won't believe this but there's a Koala in the tree smoking a spliff, I had a few drags now I'm s**....
Crocodile, thinks, heck I've got to go see this. So he puts the lizard down and goes to look for the Koala. Doesn't take long he finds him. So he shouts to the Koala, " Hey Koala, what you doing up there...?"
Koala looks down at him and frowns and says " Sjees dude, how much water did you drink...?!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In the prison shower
A man is being send to prison, on the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly
"With or without spit?!"
The man thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stammers
"With spit"
To which the giant shouts to another inmate.
"Hey come on over Spit, this dude wants a t**...!"
*Have mercy on my joke, I am not a native English speaker and this joke might work better in German.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all drinking in a bar.
After a while, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, threw it in the air and shot it into a thousand pieces. "Don't you boys worry about it," said the Texan, "we have plenty of tequila deep in the heart of Texas."
The Californian, not wanting to be outdone, selected a bottle of fine wine, tossed it up, and shot it into smitherines. "Hey, don't sweat it dudes," chirped the Californian, "There's zillions of bottles of wine in Cali."
The Seattlite, following suit, guzzled down a bottle of micro-brewed beer, chucked it towards the rafters, shot the Californian, and (without missing a beat) pulled out his hand and caught the beer bottle. Everyone in the bar stood frozen in shock.
"Relax," said the Seattlite c**..., "Up in Seattle, there's a freakin' s**... of Californians. No big deal."
Man with a mission
A guy is standing next to an open manhole cover. While smiling and giggling he points down towards the manhole and keeps repeating Twenty six... Twenty six.. Continuosly.
Curiosity got the better of one drunk passerby who was slightly amused by this behaviour. He moves closer to the dude standing by the manhole and asks with a smile on his face.. Hey.... What you upto ?
The guy with a clearly visible grin and a hint of increasing excitement on his face, looks down towards the manhole and points to it then says TWENTY SIX !!!....TWENTY SIX !!!
The drunk man decides to move closer to the manhole to have a better look. Just that moment when the drunk man bends over to look inside the manhole, he is pushed down inside by the lunatic. The lunatic laughs and giggles uncontrolably and starts saying... Twenty Seven.. Twenty Seven..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife saw a French cookery program on TV...
...so she sent me out at lunchtime to buy some snails. I got the bus into town, found a deli, and bought a bag of snails.
As I was walking back to the bus-stop, I bumped into one of my mates. "Kinygos, how's it going? I was just talking with the boys about you. Hey, they're still at the pub, come on, let's go see them."
"I'm sorry man, I can't...I've gotta get these bad boys back to the missus"
"Oh come on dude, just one drink"
So that night, around midnight, I'm staggering back home, get to my house, bump into my gate, accidentally tear the bag I'm carrying dropping the snails all over the path. Just then, the front door bursts open, and my wife is standing there r**....
Quick as a flash, I looked down at the snails and said "Come on lads, not far to go"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just some guys chilling out in Heaven
Two guys die and go to heaven. They relax with some beer and some salt-dried fish. They watch the waves roll against the river bank, and take things real slow and easy.
Suddenly, another guy emerges from the brushwood, takes a quick sip of beer, a piece of fish, and dives back into the brush. And again, several times in a row.
Eventually the two guys can't take it any more and tell him:
- Why do you keep running around? This is heaven - you have all the time in the world. Don't kill the mood.
- Hey dudes, I'd be happy to hang around! But I'm in **intensive care**!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A sloth is hanging out in a tree getting s**...
when a lizard walks up and says "Hey sloth what's up?"
The sloth answers "Smoking a joint, you want to come up here and hit this?"
The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to get a drink.
The lizard, so s**..., leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?"
The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a sloth, and he got too s**... and fell in while taking a drink.
The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the sloth. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the sloth and says "Hey, you."
The sloth looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"
Wild adventures
An old man keeps staring at a dude having streaks of blue, red, pink, yellow colored hair while waiting at a bus stop.
The intrigued dude asks "Hey oldie, haven't you done anything wild when you was young?"
To which the old man "Yea. I did a peacock back then, was wondering if you are my son"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Positive...
James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:
" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"
" -Terrible."
" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"
" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."
" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"
" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."
" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"
" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."
" -Oh thank God! How is she?"
" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."
" -Well, at least you got the company."
" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."
" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"
" -Yeah, h**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint...
... when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few doobies. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too s**... and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says "fuuuuuuck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
A religious man is on his boat at sea
A religious man is on his boat at sea. Hes all alone when his boat starts to sink. Luckily a nearby boat sees that he is sinking and goes over to rescue him. The rescuer shouts from his boat "climb aboard, ill save you". The religious man shouts back "no thank you, god will save me." So the rescuer continues onward.
1 hour later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by to save him. Again, the religious man says "No thank you. God will save me." The rescuer continues onward.
Another hour passes and the water level is now up to his neck when yet a third boat arrives to help him out. But again the religious man says "No thank you. God will save me".
Soon after that, the water raises over his head and he drowns and dies. When he gets to heaven he goes up to God and says "hey God, why didn't you save me?". And God says "dude i tried. I sent three boats".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I turn to my brother and ask
Hey bro, what's the most you've j**... off in one day?
"About 3 dudes".
Two hunters are lost in woods.
After spending several hours wandering through the woods, Bob and Jim are thoroughly lost. Disorientated, they sit down to discuss what to do next. "Hey, I have an idea," says Bob. "If we each fire three shots into the air, someone will hear them and come to help us."
Jim agrees, so each of them fires their shots. An hour later, nobody has come to help, so they decide to fire three more shots. Another hour passes - still no one.
"Okay lets try this one more time" says Bob.
"Dude, this had better work," replies Jim. "These are our last arrows".
My neighbor had a penguin on his porch
I call the neighbor
Me: hey man, you have a penguin on your porch!
Neighbor: what should I do with it?
Me: I don't know. Maybe take him to the zoo.
Neighbor: that sounds like a good idea. I'll do that.
Next day I look out across the street. The freakin penguin is still there. I call the neighbor again.
Me: Dude! The penguin is still there. I thought you took him to the zoo.
Neighbor: I did. We had a great time. We're going to the ballpark today.
A Bee on a Fly
(Disclaimer) this is a repost from something I saw a long time ago, so if someone could get a source that'd be very cool
A bee is riding on the back of a fly. The fly turns around, and asks, hey, are you a bee?
In which the bee replies, I might bee.
The fly then says, dude, that's the worst pun I have ever heard.
The bee responds, I know man, I made it up on the fly.
One day, I went to a cafe.
The cafe was full with couples, no seat available for me. But, I was determined to get a seat there. What did I do?
I took my mobile and made a fake call (actually no call at all) and start talking, "Hey dude! Do you have your girlfriend with you?"
I noticed that few of the girls were staring at me!!
I continued to talk over mobile " Ohho!! That means she is dating with someone else, I think. You kow, I can see yor girlfriend with another person here in this cafe."
Can you guess, what happened?
Few of the girls left the cafe before my fake call ended!! Ha ha ha.
Lame search
Guy dies of heart attack and goes straight to the line that leads to the gates of heaven. When in there, the guy immediately behind him asks him: hey, what did you die of? He says: oh, I got earlier from work at home, saw some man's clothes in my house, thought my wife was cheating on me and started searching around the house for her lover, couldn't find him, got really stressed out in the process, had a heart attack and ended up here. To which the other guy says: dude, had you looked in the fridge we'd both be alive now.
Don't drive like my brother...
I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."
Two terrorists are in a car, driving to bomb some place.
One had a bomb on his lap, the other was driving. The car went over a speed bumper too fast.
"Hey, watch it, Joe! You are gonna set this bomb off!"
"Relax, dude, we have a spare one in the trunk."
Dude 1: hey, nice phone! Dude 2: thanks! I won it in a race. Dude 1: really? Wow! Who'd you race against?
Dude 2: the owner and the cops.
Some dude is eating cheese.
Someone walks by him and asks " Hey, hows the cheese"?
The cheese eater replies "Its Gouda".
Had my first stand up gig in front of an audience tonight
Did not go well.
I started my bit and sone dude started to heckle me.
He was like hey you, down in front, we're trying to watch the movie
I'm driving down the highway with my friend in the passenger seat...
At one point, we pass some cow pastures, and my friend points and says, "Hey dude, check out that flock of cows over there!"
So I tell him, "Y'know it's a 'herd' of cows?"
And he says, "Heard of cows! Of course I have! There's a whole flock of 'em right there!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man named Adam is being sent to prison
On the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly
"With or without spit?!"
The man (Adam) thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stammers
"With spit"
To which the giant shouts to another inmate.
"Hey come on over Spit, this dude wants a t**...!"
During the 80's, many college students from Eastern Bloc countries - Poland, Hungary, and Romania met each other at a summer camp
Sitting around the campfire after supper, these young people tried their best to communicate with each other (Polish, Hungarian, and Romanian are totally not related), ultimately having to resort to some kind of sign language
Then one dude got an idea: Hey, we all learned Russian in high school, why don't we try speaking in Russian?
… After a brief, thoughtful thinking and pause … everyone returned back to that sign language
A guy walks into an empty bar with just the bartender there.
He orders the drink. He's sitting there for a few seconds when he hears 'pssh hey! nice tie'.
He looks around nobody's there. Then a few seconds later he hears 'pssh hey! you look like a nice guy'. Still bartender is down there at the bar. Then again he hears 'pssh hey! we should be friends'.
So finally he asks the bartender " hey dude are you talking to me." The bartender says "no, what did you hear?". Guy says "well nice guy, that's a nice tie, we should be friends."
That's when the bartender says "Oh! Those are the peanuts. They are complimentary."
After many faithful years as a Christian, John's dedication finally paid off as he found himself the girl of his dreams.
At the wedding he walks over to his best friend for advice.
"Hey man! What is it that I'm supposed to do when I get her all alone after the wedding?"
"Ah, that's simple. You just take your most prized-possession and stick it in where she pees."
"Ah! Thanks dude!"
"No problem!"
Later that night, John took his bowling ball and put it in the toilet.
I was at my school disco..
Walking across the hall to get a drink. One of my classmates came up to me and said 'dude, your shoes are on smoking hot!'
I gave them a smile and kept walking to get a drink. Another classmate then approached me and said 'hey bro, you're on fire tonight!'
I gave them a wink and some goodbye guns and continued towards the queue of people waiting for a beverage.
It's at that point that the fire alarm and sprinklers go off and everybody is immediately evacuated from the disco.
Typical, I thought.
Just as I was about to get to the punch line.
Sycamore street joke
This is a call that came into the 911 emergency line:
911 operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Man: Hey dude, I need an ambulance.
(static in the phone line interrupts call)
911 operator: A what?
Man: I need an ambulance. A dude just got hit by a car.
911 operator: Okay, where are you?
Man: I'm down here on Sycamore Street.
(static in the phone line becomes worse)
911 operator: Where are you? Say it again. This staic makes it hard to
understand you.
Man: I'm at Sycamore Street!
(static still continues)
911 operator: Maybe it would be easier to understand you if you spell
where you're at.
Man: All right. S-y-c-k...no, no that ain't right.
S-i-c-k...no...S-e...S-y. I'll tell you what, I'll take the dude over to
Lee Street; you can pick him up there.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Heineken free beer joke
I just pulled in a quick trip today and this guy says to me. "Hey, do you want a free twelve pack of Heineken?"
Me "Yeah, sure I will take it."
He says "Come over here. You can have a twelve-pack of Heineken if you let me touch your d**...."
I was "Touch my d**...?! What do you mean?"
He answered, "I want to hold it, grab it, pad it..."
After this, I said "Dude, total f**... out there" while drinking my Heineken.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two bodybuilders are having a conversation in h**....
Man 1: Hey dude, do you think there is anywhere down here where I could get a protein shake?
Man 2: Dude, there's no whey in h**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy calls his buddy and says, "Hey man, I'm throwing a party this weekend!"
"Gonna get a case of beer; what are you thinking?"
Buddy responds, "Anything but Heineken is cool with me. Drank a case of Heineken last weekend, and I blew chunks."
Guy says, "Dude, drinking a whole case of anything is going to make you p**...."
Buddy responds, "No, man, you don't understand... Chunks is my dog."
2 dudes walk into a bar....
half way through drinking they realize that they dont have money.
guy 1 pulls out a hot dog and say I have a idea. they start to "play" with the hot dog.
the bartender wasn't having any of it and kicked them out.
guys 2 thought to go to a couple more bars and they keep pulling the hot dog trick.
by the end of the night they're smashed. Guy 2 say "hey I'm hungry, you still got that hot dog?"
guy 1 says, "dude, I lost that's thing 4 bars ago".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This cop had just finished his shift one cold July evening and was sitting at home next to his wife.
"You won't believe what happened this evening, Hallie. In all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Really?" She says. "Tell me what happened."
"Man, I came across these two dudes down by the river. One of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." His wife looks up from hey knitting.
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks! What did you do with them?"
"Well," says the cop, "I charged the one and let the other one off!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A group of dudes are walking through the park
They see a young pair b**... in the bushes. One of the dudes can't help himself but comment:
"Hey, man, leave some for us!"
"I can't, I inserted everything."
A circle walks into a bar. The bartender sees him, and waves, then shouts to the whole room, "another drink for everybody - on this guy!" Everybody in the pub cheers.
But the circle is not happy. Frowning, he marches up to the bartender. "What the eff, dude? Why are all the drinks on me?" , the circle angrily demands of the bartender.
The bartender replies, "hey, don't get mad, circle buddy. It's just ... you're round!"