Hes Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

"One mans trash is another mans treasure" is a great quote but,

its not the best way to tell your kid that hes adopted.

Someone told me there's a gay guy in my circle of friends...

I hope it's Michael. Hes cute.

A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs

A man loses his legs in a train accident

and when hes rushed to hospital

the only available transplant are a child's

so he gets the surgery

and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain

the nurse runs up and says

'sir is it your legs'

and the man goes

'no'
'its my kidneys'

Did you hear about the guy who got chilled to absolute zero?

Hes 0K now.

Trying to catch the bus

A man is trying to catch the bus, hes running and everytime he almost makes it he stumbles and falls, the crowd on the bus is laughing their butts off, a lady opens a window and tells the man :" Please stop it, we will wee our pants" to which the man replies :" thats nothing soon you will sht your pants, because im the bus driver"

Tom is sitting at the bar....

and he's decides he's had enough to drink and tries to stand up to walk home and falls to the floor. he climbs back up to his bar stool and says hes gonna try it again. so he tries to stand up again and falls back to the floor. again he climbs back up on to his bar stool and says ill give it one more try and if i cant walk home ill just crawl. again right to a pile on the floor. Tom says "screw it ill just crawl home." he makes it all the way to his front porch and passes out. in the morning his wife opens the door to find her husband still passed out on the ground and says "Tom did you get drunk at the bar again?" Tom says "how did you know?" wife says "the bar called you forgot your wheelchair again!"

I hate how if a guy sleeps with a ton of girls hes a legend

But when a girl does it, its my wife.

the miracle of being a teen mom

when you get pregnant young and your baby is born, hes feet are so small but even so he manages to stomp your dreams and goals.

Needed: Eyelids

A baby is born with no eyelids. The doctors need a solution, and fast. The best solution, and the one they arrive at, is to use his foreskin for his new eyelids. They successfully attach his foreskin as eyelids, with only one complication. Now hes a little cock-eyed.

Three old ladies are discussing their husbands while having tea.

Three old ladies are out for tea and discussing their husbands performance in the sack.
They decide to have some fun and describe their husbands as soda pops.
The first lady says "my husband is probably Mountain Dew. Because when im ready to mount. Hes ready to do"
The second lady says, still giggling, "My hudband is 7 up, cause when its seven hes always up"
The third lady says "My husband is defenitely Jack Daniels"
The other two ladies reply "But thats not a soda! Thats a hard liquor!"
The third lady shouts "Thats my Leroy!"

how do you know if an asian man robbed your house

your homeworks done, your computers upgraded, and 3 hours later hes still trying to back out the driveway.

A pirate named Ronny gets promoted to First Mate.

Ronny is pondering life one day as hes giving the captain a shave.

"I'm not a very good pirate," he says to the captain. "I can't navigate and I don't know how to fight. I don't even sound like a pirate. Is there a reason you chose me as first mate?"

"Aye Ronny," says the captain.

I had a friend in a wheelchair but i had to let him go

Now hes going downhill fast

A few hundred years ago, Mozart was composing beautiful music

But for a while now, hes only been de-composing.

A guy walks in on his wife cheating on him

A guy walks in on his wife cheating on him with his best friend, so he heads to the bar to drown his sorrows.

He walks up to the bar and the bartender notices hes upset so he asks "why the long face?"

"I just caught my wife having sex with my best friend," says the guy.

To which the bartender replies, "thats terrible! What did you say to your wife when you caught her?"

"I told her to pack her stuff and get out of my house immediately."

"Well what did you say to your best friend," asks the bartender.

"Bad boy"

A religious man is on his boat at sea

A religious man is on his boat at sea. Hes all alone when his boat starts to sink. Luckily a nearby boat sees that he is sinking and goes over to rescue him. The rescuer shouts from his boat "climb aboard, ill save you". The religious man shouts back "no thank you, god will save me." So the rescuer continues onward.

1 hour later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by to save him. Again, the religious man says "No thank you. God will save me." The rescuer continues onward.

Another hour passes and the water level is now up to his neck when yet a third boat arrives to help him out. But again the religious man says "No thank you. God will save me".

Soon after that, the water raises over his head and he drowns and dies. When he gets to heaven he goes up to God and says "hey God, why didn't you save me?". And God says "dude i tried. I sent three boats".

R.kelly says the recent accusations have ruined his relationship with his kids.

They must have been crushed to hear hes cheating on them.

So a black man walks into a bar...

Hes blind and in a jail cell

So the founder of Harley-Davidson goes to heaven...

He walks up to the pearly gates and meets St.Peter. Peter congratulates him on his great bikes and asks that, since hes a special guy, if he would like to talk to god himself. Davidson agrees and he walks past the gate to see god waiting for him. God greets him and says to Davidson "I'm sure you have lots of questions for me...". Right away Davidson replies "Yes, why did you design the females so poorly. All they do is talk and nag, and they never cease to annoy me." God, taken back by this, thinks to himself for a moment. God then says "While I may have made some flaws with the woman, at least more people ride my invention than yours!"

A little boy called Harry hangs out at the local shop.

The shop owner doesnt know why, but the other boys tease him. They say hes slow and to prove it they always give him the choice between a 5$ note and a 1$ note. He always takes the 1$ note because he likes the look more. The owner asks him one day why he always takes the 1$ to which he simply responds: If i took the 5$ one they would stop doing it.

the vet told me hes going to have to put my dog down

i said why whats wrong with him... he said nothing my arms are aching

We all know that one girl...

A man and a woman are having sex. The man is fingering the woman to get a little foreplay going. As hes fingering her, she grabs him and whispers in his ear "I like fisting.."

The man grins and proceeds to inserting his fist. The woman moans in enjoyment, but says "Deeper,". He proceeds to slide his arm deeper. her is now elbow deep in her and she says "Deeper," so he complies and slips him his other arm after grabbing a flashlight just in case. Now he is in up to his shoulders. She moans and yells "DEEPER!" so he starts inserting his whole body until all of a sudden he falls in!

Now he's walking around searching for the flashlight he dropped. All of a sudden he bumps into a man. "WHOA I didnt expect to find anyone in here..." Replies the first man.
"Ive been stuck in here for a few days now."
"Oh I see, well if you help me find the flashlight I brought in with me..."
The other man responds "If you help me find my keys we can drive out of here."

A man takes his Great Dane to the vet

The vet picks the dog up and inspects him and says to the man.
Sir, your dog has cataracts and I will have to put him down
The man says You have to put my dog down for cataracts!?!?
The vet replies Oh no he`s just very heavy

A psychiatrist is being shown around a mental hospital.

After being shown around the corridors he walks into a room with two patients, one hanging from the roof upside down, and the other in the middle of the room cutting a piece of wood with a saw.

Doctor: Umm... What is it your doing?

First patient: What do you mean, what am I doing... Im sawing this piece of wood... What are you stupid?

Doctor: Okay... sorry... Well what about your friend over there?

First patient: Oh him... Don't worry about him... Hes a few sandwiches short of a picnic.... he thinks he's a light bulb....

Doctor: He's your friend... Why don't you get him down?

First patient: What, and work in the dark???

Why dont you bother someone who is digging in his toilet?

Hes just mining his own business

How many virgins does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. But he will pull it back out and stick it back in again just to make sure he`s got the right hole.

an elderly woman's dog jumps off a retaining wall

a German tourist passes by and see the elderly woman and decides to jump in after the the dog. He swims the dog back to shore and the woman comes up to him and asks him if hes a vet and the tourist replys "Vet? im vucking soaked".

How many Jackie Chans does it take to change a weebs light bulb?

One because hes the Onii Chan they need.

Mark zuckerberg is living out most of this generations greatest fear.

Hes having to explain his undeleted internet history.

Why is Jesus always shown with a six pack of abs?

Because hes Cross fit.

Happy easter!

Obama is the first president to visit a federal prison.

Hes also the first black man to be let OUT of a federal prison

Why is no one friends with Dracula?

Cause hes a pain in the neck.

Did you hear about the guy that the vending machine fell onto?

Hes sodapressed.

I met a farmer today

Hes not well known, but hes out standing in his field.

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

I dont know, hes still trying to kick it open.

Jim is a butcher. Has a sister named Delores. He stands 6ft tall and wears a 10 gallon hat. What does he weigh?

Meat hes a butcher.

Why doesn't Sonic eat with his friends during lent...

Because hes gotta go fast.

Jazz hands

Worker one: why does jerry the maintenance guy always do jazz hands after hes finished looking inside the copy machine?
Worker two: is part of his routine maintenance

(I wanted to do this joke as a picture but im lazy and bad at drawing, also sorry for the bad joke)

The Date

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the guy makes his move."I`m a hooker".
The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it.

After they finish, the guy says,

"Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town".

When the pope dines with homeless people hes an amazing person.

When I do it I'm just another homeless person.

Your Adopted

Dad comes to his son and tells him hes adopted.

The boy screams: "I knew it! I wanna see my real parents"

– We are your real parents, son. Pack your stuff, they're waiting.

I have to put my dog down today...

Yeah, hes very heavy and i can't type easily

okay now...focus

Two elderly ladies were going to get their photograph taken . This was back in the day when photography was new. So they go into the studio and the photographer seats and poses them. The first lady says "what he gonna do"? The second lady says "hes posing us real pretty for our picture", next the photographer adjusts the lighting. First Lady says "whats he gonna do"? Second lady: "hes adjusting the lighting so we be real pretty". Next the photographer starts adjusting the camera, first lady: "whats he gonna do?" second lady: "hes gonna focus", second lady: "bofus"???

A man approached me today acting strange and asked me to help him find his back garden..

I think hes lost the plot!

What do you give Sean Connery when hes eating nachos in a bathtub?

Shower Cream

Who is the coolest guy at the hospital?

The ultra sound guy.


And who covers when hes off sick?

The hip replacement guy.

You hear about the former inmate whos training to become a magician?

Hes really getting his act together...

A midget walks into a bar..

he`s wearing a T-shirt that reads "I hate all Paki`s"
I thought to myself...."that`s a little racist"

Why is Mickeys dog named Pluto?

Because hes not a planet.

The prostate examiner has been too aggressive with his patients recently....

The prostate examiner has been too aggressive with his patients recently...

Hes was caught red handed.

Father's Day gift

My husband asks if I'm ready to give him his Father's Day blow job. I decline and remind him that hes not MY father!

Jeb says hes good at fixing things and I don't doubt him...

People who voted in Florida during the 2000 presidential election know what I'm *talkin* about.

A blind man walks into a bar.

And a table. And a door.



And then a staircase.



I don't think hes alright, can someone get a doctor?

my rapper friend likes to visit Wisconsin

hes love to get this cheddar

Did you hear about the goldfish that went bankrupt?

Now hes a bronze fish

Why cant Edward leave Russia?

Hes Snowden!!

Apparently theres a gay guy in our circle of friends .

I hope its Todd hes cute .

Zuckerburg is so scared

hes shaking in his booster seat

i said my power steering pump blew a seal and my uncle came back with this

So a penguin is driving in the desert and his car brakes down, so he takes it to the mechanic. while hes waiting for the mechanic he goes and gets ice cream since its hot in the desert it melts so he goes back to the mechanic and the mechanic says well it looks like you blew a seal

Do you know what?

Well you should, hes a good guy

Funny Jokes

Did I tell you about my older friend went out and everyone was calling him a cradle robber and a pedophile... Just because hes 50 and she is 24, he said it totally ruined their 10 year anniversary.

Why was the triangle sad?

Because hes not allowed to date acute girl, so he's trying to look at it from another angle

I just seen a prius try his time on a quarter mile at the drag strip.

Ill update when hes done.

Bush

My friend who is terrified of flying just texted me that hes flying to chicago for thanksgiving and that the radio is playing glycerin by bush and how it reminds him of 8th grade.
Then i answer: if the plane starts going down maybe they will play everything zen!

What are the funniest hes jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Hes? Well, here are the best Hes puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Hes pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes