Hes Jokes
96 hes jokes and hilarious hes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Hes Short Jokes
Short hes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hes humour may include short shes jokes also.
- "One mans trash is another mans treasure" is a great quote but, its not the best way to tell your kid that hes adopted.
- Someone told me there's a gay guy in my circle of friends... I hope it's Michael. Hes cute.
- I hate how if a guy sleeps with a ton of girls hes a legend But when a girl does it, its my wife.
- the miracle of being a teen mom when you get pregnant young and your baby is born, hes feet are so small but even so he manages to stomp your dreams and goals.
- A few hundred years ago, Mozart was composing beautiful music But for a while now, hes only been de-composing.
- R.kelly says the recent accusations have ruined his relationship with his kids. They must have been crushed to hear hes cheating on them.
- Where's the annoying neighbor you told me about? I don't see him anymore. "Hes in the garden"
"Really? "
"Yeah, but you have to dig a bit." - How many Jackie Chans does it take to change a weebs light bulb? One because hes the Onii Chan they need.
- the vet told me hes going to have to put my dog down i said why whats wrong with him... he said nothing my arms are aching
- Why dont you bother someone who is digging in his toilet? Hes just mining his own business
Share These Hes Jokes With Friends
Hes One Liners
Which hes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hes? I can suggest the ones about newt and fella.
- Did you hear about the guy who got chilled to absolute zero? Hes 0K now.
- A patient broke out of an amputation clinic! Don't worry, hes unarmed
- I had a friend in a wheelchair but i had to let him go Now hes going downhill fast
- Who would be the mascot against racism? A panda!
He's black
He's white
Hes Asian! - So a black man walks into a bar... Hes blind and in a jail cell
- I've been bullying this kid Good thing hes an orphan. Who's he gonna tell, his parents?
- Why is Mickeys dog named Pluto? Because hes not a planet.
- Why doesn't Sonic eat with his friends during lent... Because hes gotta go fast.
- Why is Jesus always shown with a six pack of abs? Because hes Cross fit.
Happy easter! - Did you hear about the guy that the vending machine fell onto? Hes sodapressed.
- Why is no one friends with Dracula? Cause hes a pain in the neck.
- I met a farmer today Hes not well known, but hes out standing in his field.
- A friend of mine hates people with no feet Hes lack-toes intolerant
- I have to put my dog down today... Yeah, hes very heavy and i can't type easily
- What do you give Sean Connery when hes eating nachos in a bathtub? Shower Cream
Rib-Tickling Hes Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about hes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean orange jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hes pranks.
A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs
A man loses his legs in a train accident
and when hes rushed to hospital
the only available transplant are a child's
so he gets the surgery
and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain
the nurse runs up and says
'sir is it your legs'
and the man goes
'no'
'its my kidneys'
Asked my 2 and half year old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He said "Taller."
I dont know if this counts as a dad joke, but it was one of his first jokes hes ever made where I chuckled and I had never heard it before!
A joke my mom told me when i was younger
An irish man decides to go for a drink after work. He goes to a local pub and has way too many and when the end of the night comes hes completely plastered. He goes to stand up and immediately falls right on his face. He crawls all the way home and crawls into bed and falls asleep. In the morning his wife yells wake up! Were you drinking at the pub again? The man says no! She says your lying, i know you were there! He says how do you know that? She says you left your wheelchair there again!
Trying to catch the bus
A man is trying to catch the bus, hes running and everytime he almost makes it he stumbles and falls, the crowd on the bus is laughing their butts off, a lady opens a window and tells the man :" Please stop it, we will wee our pants" to which the man replies :" thats nothing soon you will sht your pants, because im the bus driver"
Pete, the serial f**... was thinking of retiring soon...
But hes decided to stick it out for another year...
Needed: Eyelids
A baby is born with no eyelids. The doctors need a solution, and fast. The best solution, and the one they arrive at, is to use his f**... for his new eyelids. They successfully attach his f**... as eyelids, with only one complication. Now hes a little c**...-eyed.
A pirate named Ronny gets promoted to First Mate.
Ronny is pondering life one day as hes giving the captain a shave.
"I'm not a very good pirate," he says to the captain. "I can't navigate and I don't know how to fight. I don't even sound like a pirate. Is there a reason you chose me as first mate?"
"Aye Ronny," says the captain.
Ive heard the local f**... was due to retire..
But hes decided to stick it out for another year
Man
A man died with an e**.... the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying i'm on my period. the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion!
A little boy called Harry hangs out at the local shop.
The shop owner doesnt know why, but the other boys tease him. They say hes slow and to prove it they always give him the choice between a 5$ note and a 1$ note. He always takes the 1$ note because he likes the look more. The owner asks him one day why he always takes the 1$ to which he simply responds: If i took the 5$ one they would stop doing it.
Aprils fools
A mom comes home from work on aprils fools and the lil bro runs up to her screaming mom mom bro hanged himself in the bedroom, petrified she makes a run for the bedroom and its empty. Turns to her kid in relief telling him that this is not the apropriate joke, while he says aprils fooooools, hes hanged in the living room.
A man takes his Great Dane to the vet
The vet picks the dog up and inspects him and says to the man.
Sir, your dog has cataracts and I will have to put him down
The man says You have to put my dog down for cataracts!?!?
The vet replies Oh no he`s just very heavy
Mark zuckerberg is living out most of this generations greatest fear.
Hes having to explain his undeleted internet history.
How many virgins does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. But he will pull it back out and stick it back in again just to make sure he`s got the right hole.
an elderly woman's dog jumps off a retaining wall
a German tourist passes by and see the elderly woman and decides to jump in after the the dog. He swims the dog back to shore and the woman comes up to him and asks him if hes a vet and the tourist replys "Vet? im vucking soaked".
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?
I dont know, hes still trying to kick it open.
Obama is the first president to visit a federal prison.
Hes also the first black man to be let OUT of a federal prison
Jim is a butcher. Has a sister named Delores. He stands 6ft tall and wears a 10 gallon hat. What does he weigh?
Meat hes a butcher.
Yee haw
A cowboy comes riding into town one day, only hes riding on the horses head. One of the townsfolk ask him as he riding by, "how do you stay on that horse so good"? To which the cowboy replies "its not a horse, its a unicorn"!
Jazz hands
Worker one: why does j**... the maintenance guy always do jazz hands after hes finished looking inside the copy machine?
Worker two: is part of his routine maintenance
(I wanted to do this joke as a picture but im lazy and bad at drawing, also sorry for the bad joke)
The Date
A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the guy makes his move."I`m a h**...".
The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it.
After they finish, the guy says,
"Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town".
When the pope dines with homeless people hes an amazing person.
When I do it I'm just another homeless person.
A man approached me today acting strange and asked me to help him find his back garden..
I think hes lost the plot!
You hear about the former inmate whos training to become a magician?
Hes really getting his act together...
Jeb says hes good at fixing things and I don't doubt him...
People who voted in Florida during the 2000 presidential election know what I'm *talkin* about.
Who is the coolest guy at the hospital?
The ultra sound guy.
And who covers when hes off sick?
The hip replacement guy.
Father's Day gift
My husband asks if I'm ready to give him his Father's Day b**.... I decline and remind him that hes not MY father!
A midget walks into a bar..
he`s wearing a T-shirt that reads "I hate all p**...`s"
I thought to myself...."that`s a little racist"
A blind man walks into a bar.
And a table. And a door.
And then a staircase.
I don't think hes alright, can someone get a doctor?
I just seen a prius try his time on a quarter mile at the drag s**....
Ill update when hes done.
The prostate examiner has been too aggressive with his patients recently....
The prostate examiner has been too aggressive with his patients recently...
Hes was caught red handed.
Why does pillsbury doughboy hate being in water?
because hes dunkin dough nuts!
How do you know a Scottish man is a MacDonald?
You stick your hand up their kilt and you feel a quarter pounder
hes a MacDonald
Apparently theres a gay guy in our circle of friends .
I hope its Todd hes cute .
Zuckerburg is so scared
hes shaking in his booster seat
Why cant Edward leave Russia?
Hes Snowden!!
my rapper friend likes to visit Wisconsin
hes love to get this cheddar
Did you hear about the goldfish that went bankrupt?
Now hes a bronze fish
i said my power steering pump blew a seal and my uncle came back with this
So a penguin is driving in the desert and his car brakes down, so he takes it to the mechanic. while hes waiting for the mechanic he goes and gets ice cream since its hot in the desert it melts so he goes back to the mechanic and the mechanic says well it looks like you blew a seal
That rhombus is no square
Hes actually kinda cool.
Every married man thinks hes married a nymphomaniac before he was married
Then after a few years the n**... disappears and just leaves the maniac
Couch potato joke
I have a fat roommate that loves to stream but every time he does it he commentates on every little thing! hes such a common tater!
My dad went to prison
Now hes my parole model
Why do Mario and Luigi like toad?
Because hes a fungi
did you hear abot the guy who got his whole left body cut off
dont worry hes alright now
i know this jokes been done leave me alone
Mathew McConaughey had a s**......
Don't worry, hes alright alright alright!
What fo you think of h**...?
Personally, i think hes gas
What does Charlie Brown on Halloween and a U.S. Marine finding out where hes getting deployed in 2004 have in common?
They can both be heard dejectedly saying "I got a rock."
What does a short-tempered doctor say when hes going out of business?
"I'm losing my patience!"
pumpkins should be renamed Drumpfkins bcuz hes bad orange man
My friend was taken to Hospital believing he was a horse...
... Hes now thankfully in a stable condition
Im not a racist...
I have a black friend, Imean... hes mine, forever!
A black man is not given a ticket when hes pulled over
Found out some horrible news about my dog of 10 years today...
Turns out hes adopted and we dont know how to tell him...
My Father was never the same after World War I
Hes got somme psychological problems now.
Its no wonder Jareds' favorite restaurant is subway.
Hes always enjoyed eating fresh.
