herpes Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious herpes puns

There's a thin line distinguishing "Heroes" from "Herpes"


Guy takes a hooker out for supper.

He giver her his peas, she gives him herpes.


A woman goes to a priest seeking repentance. (NSFW)

A woman goes to a priest seeking repentance. The priest asks the woman "What do you seek repentance from?" And the woman replies "I called a man a motherfucker." The priest asks "Why did you call the man a motherfucker?" and the woman replies "because we had sex."

The priest, taking advantage of this, gropes the woman's breasts and asks "did you call him a motherfucker when he did this?" and the woman replies "No."

The priest then takes the woman's pants off and asks: "Did you call him a motherfucker when he did this?" and the woman replies "No."

The priest then takes his pants off and... has sex with the woman. Then he asks "Did you call him a motherfucker because he did this?" and the woman replies "No."

The priest asks the woman, "Then why did you call him a motherfucker?"
The woman replies "Because he had herpes."

The priest then yells, "THAT MOTHERFUCKER!"


How do you get herpes viral infection of the eye?

Looking for love in all the wrong places.


My girlfriend has herpes

Now it's ourpes...


Dad and son at the Doctor

A man and his son are at a doctor appointment.

Their longtime family doctor enters and says "What seems to be the problem," and the dad answers "This is pretty embarrassing Doc but we hired a new Brazilian maid and turns out my son has been messing around with her... and I think he's got herpes."

The doctor says "Don't worry Sir I'll write your son a prescription and he'll be alright. Is there anything else you need?" The dad replies "Well there is something else... I've also been messing with the maid and I think I have it too"

"Don't worry I'll write you and your son a prescription and you can pick them both up today. Anything else?"

"Well Doc, last night I had sex with my wife and now I think she has it..."

"Damn it, now we've all got it!"


What's meaner than a pitbull with herpes?

The guy who gave it to the pitbull.


When a beautiful woman...

walks into a gynecologists office, all of his expertise goes out the window. After she undresses and sits in the chair he begins to rub her thighs. "Do you know why I am doing this?" He asks her. "Yes, you are checking for any abrasions." She replies. He then begins to feel her breasts. "Do you know what this is for?" He asks. "Yes you are checking for lumps." He then proceeds to mount and have sex with her. "Do you know what I am doing now?" He asks once again. The woman replies, "Getting herpes which is what I came to get checked for anyways."


A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad.

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really sick. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says, "I have some bad news. You have HAGS."

"What is HAGS" the man asks.

"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis," says the doctor.

"Oh my God," says the man. "What are you going to do?"

"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."

"Is that going to help me?" asks the man.

"No," says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door."


I'm dressing up as a (dead) hooker for Halloween...what are some lines you NEVER want to hear a hooker say?

For example, "I just need to put some ointment on my herpes, and then we are good to go."

I know, I'm terrible at this! Please help!


My Dad's Joke

How do you get herpes of the eye ball?

Looking for love in all the wrong places.


Two drunk students meet in a bar on Spring Break, and decide to screw on the beach

Guy can't find his condom, but decides to fuck her anyways. When they finish, the girl says, "I should have asked before, but do you have herpes?"

Guy says, "No, I'm clean"

Girl responds, "Good - I don't want to get that shit again"


HAGS disease

"I am afraid you have HAGS disease," the doctor explained, "That is Herpes, Aids, Gonorrhea, and Syphilis, so we are immediately putting you on a pizza and pancake diet."

"Those foods will cure me?" he is asked.

"No," says the doctor, "But those foods we can slide under the door to the room we are locking you up in!"


I'm going to create a dating Website for people with incurable STD's to find each other.

It will be named 2 Herpes in a Pod


How contagious?

A middle aged father was in the bathroom one morning shaving before work, when his teenage daughter passed by the doorway, she came back a moment later and asked her father " dad I've got a very serious question for you" "ok" he replies go ahead, she then sheepishly asks, " um how contagious is herpes" stunned the father immediately thinks of nothing but to try and turn his daughter away from this type of activity, he replies with " oh honey, its very very contagious, any kind of contact will mean almost certain infection, I cant watch you 24/7, so all I can ask if you try and at least stay protected" the daughter backs away from the doorway and replies "well I was just asking because your using my razor and Im currently having a breakout."



A little boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog behind him. He asks for a prostitute with herpes. The lady says "Ok, whatever turns you on" and takes him upstairs. On his way out the lady says "why did you want one with herpes?" the boy says "Well, if I shag her then I get herpes, I go home and shag the babysitter and she gets herpes, my dad comes home and shags the babysitter and he gets herpes, my mum comes home and shags my dad and she gets herpes, the milkman comes round and shags my mum - and THAT'S THE BASTARD THAT KILLED MY FROG!"


Florida man contracts herpes while checking his birthday prostitute's mouth for sores

As meemum used to say, "you shouldn't look gift whores in the mouth"


This one made me really Happy. What starts with 'H', ends with 'S' and grows the more you spread it?



My eyes have been bugging me recently, so I went to the doctor. He told me I have ocular herpes.

Apparently I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.


My woman's always trying to give me stuff she gets from work.

I tell her I've already got herpes.


Why don't people like talking about herpes?

It's a sore subject.


I think I finally understand these dating apps

They all include they want something serious and long-term, so I went on a date last week, and gave her herpes.


A beautiful woman goes to the doctor

The doctor asks her to undress so he can start his examination. As he's feeling her breasts, he asks, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

The woman responds, "Yes, checking for lumps."

The doctor asks again, as he's feeling her thighs. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

The woman responds, "Yes, checking for lesions."

After the doctor finishes his examination, he lays the woman on the table and starts having sex with her. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Getting herpes, which is why I'm here."


I can't mention STDs around my friend who has herpes

It's a sore spot


I just got genital herpes...

...that'll be the last time I play catch with my dad.


What kind of pictures does Shaun Connery take?


alt. What kind of pictures do fish take?


alt. What do hermit crabs call their utility bills?

Shell Fees

alt. Why did my wife leave me?



My test results for Herpes came in the mail today.

Finally, some positive news!


A boy and his dead frog.

One day, a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him. The Madam asks "Can I help you son?" to which he replies, "Yes I'd like a girl for the night."

She says "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls." So he gets out his wallet and gives her. To which she says "She'll be waiting for you up stairs."

The boy says "But she's got to have herpes."

The Madam replies "But all my girls are clean!" So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another. The Madam says "OK, she'll be ready for you in about 10 mins".

So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. About 1/2 an hour later he comes down the stairs,with a big grin on his face, still dragging the dead frog. By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him "Why did you come in here, dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with herpes?".

"Well, it's like this", he says, "When I get home tonight I'll screw the baby-sitter and then she'll get herpes. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get herpes. Later when dad gets home mum and dad will make love and then she'll get herpes. And at about 9.30 tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work, the milkman will come round, screw my mother and then he'll get herpes...



Did you hear about the new operating system for people with herpes?

It's all open sores.


What's the difference between herpes and love?

Herpes lasts forever.

Happy Valentine's y'all!


What do a Bernie Sanders supporter, a Cross-Fitter, and a person with Herpes have in common?

They all "Feel The Burn!"


What's in the box with the dots?



How does herpes leave the hospital?

On crotches


A lady's man goes to the doctor because he's been sick.

After running several tests, the doctor tells the man, "I'm sorry, sir, but you have HAGS."
"HAGS? What is that?" asks the startled man.
"Herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis," replied the doctor.
"What can you do for me, doc? Please, help me!" pleaded the man.
"First, we have to quarantine you. Then, we put you on the HAGS diet," said the doctor.
"What's the HAGS diet?"
"Pancakes and pizza," the doctor answered.
"Why pancakes and pizza?" the man asked.
The doctor told him, "Those are the only two foods we can kick under the door."


My friend told me she has herpes.

I told her it's not the end of the world, just a few bumps in the road.


What are the most funny Herpes jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Herpes? Well, here are the best Herpes dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Herpes pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes