Helps Jokes
126 helps jokes and hilarious helps puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about helps that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Helps Short Jokes
Short helps jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The helps humour may include short helped jokes also.
- I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me Do you need help? I said, Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead.
- When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
- I asked my wife, I'm stuck on this crossword clue Overworked postman — can you help? She said, Sure. How many letters?
Me: I'm guessing—- Too many. - I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die". I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.
- Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.
- I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore... They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.
- Librarian: Can I help you? Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Dave: No...
Librarian: One day that will work. - My dad is obsessed with The Beatles and is missing just one of their songs from his record collection. He needs Help.
- Where would you park your camel? The Camelot.
PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment - I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ''I could marry you!'', I couldn't believe it You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return
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Helps One Liners
Which helps one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with helps? I can suggest the ones about assistance and help wanted.
- I volunteered to help blind children today! That's a verb not an adjective btw.
- I help blind kids Verb, not adjective
- I was thinking the other day ... So I shouted, "Thomeone help! I can't thwim!"
- I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues. Everyone kept telling me You're the bomb.
- In my spare time I help blind children. I mean the verb, not the adjective.
- Chuck Norris called 911 And asked if they needed help.
- "Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?" "Yes, David, how can we help you?"
- After work, I volunteer to help blind children By the way: Verb, not adjective
- Help! My husband's too controlling!
- I like to help blind children. The verb, not the adjective.
- Why does leather armour help the wearer be stealthy? Because it's made of hide.
- Assist is 50% the letter "S"... The rest are just there to help.
- Shout out to those who don't know the opposite of in. They need the help.
- "Hey, can you help me sharpen these throwing stars?" "Shuriken"
- Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I am forever in your debt.
Uproarious Helps Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about helps you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean help us jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make helps pranks.
What does Sigmund Freud say comes between fear and s**...?
fünf
(it helps if you say it out loud, and understand German) :-)
Just bought a new deodorant...
The instructions say 'remove cap and push up bottom.'
...which helps with the smell, admittedly, but hurts a lot!
If a person helps a thief before he steals something this person is called an accomplice and he will pay for this
if a person helps a thief after he steals something this person is called a lawyer and he will be paid for this
5 Important Qualities to have in your women:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who likes to be with you.
5. It's very important that these four women do not know each other.
There were three friends...
There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.
The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."
The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."
The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."
Missing South Africa
In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss South africa."
So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read:
"I hope this helps."
After the resurrection, Jesus was hanging out with Peter, fishing.......
Jesus says, "I feel like performing a miracle. What should I do?"
Peter says, "How about the walking-on-water gig?"
Jesus agrees, steps out of the boat, and slowly starts sinking as he walks around.
Peter helps him back into the boat and asks, "Why didn't it work this time?"
Jesus replies, "I'm not sure, maybe it's the holes in my feet."
Five secrets of a perfect Relationship
1. It`s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. It`s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It`s important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie.
4. It`s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5. It`s absolutely important that these four women never meet.
I was in Florida recently to visit a good friend...
and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Detroit."
So I broke the window, stole the radio, and left a note that read...
"I hope this helps."
Did you guys hear about the guy who got the skin on his face ripped apart by eagle talons?
They tried to fix it with botox, but that only helps with crow's feet.
So a tech support has a house call...
When he gets there a little old lady answers the door. She let's him in and tell him to sit on the couch while she gets her laptop. She steps away and the tech notices a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and helps himself to some while he waits. When she comes back the tech says "I hope you don't mind I ate some of your nuts." The little lady says "Help yourself! I just s**... the chocolate off them anyways."
What's a gay guy's favorite city in Africa?
**Maputo!**
(It helps to know that the capital of Mozambique is Maputo and "p**..." is a homophobic slur meaning "gay male p**..." in Mexican Spanish.)
Jokes are a fun way to learn about the world!
My dyslexic brother just did the ice bucket challenge.
He keeps asking how this helps people who use American Sign Language.
What do you call a person who helps teach others to f**...?
A tooter.
(thanks, honey)
A man goes to buy a Christmas Tree...
... After the salesman rings him up and helps him strap it to the car, he asks, "were you planning on putting this up yourself?" to which the man responds, "Actually, I was thinking of putting it in the living room."
Some food puns I came up with
Why should you eat rye before battle?
It's bread for war.
Why should you eat melon before going in the sun?
A little melon in helps protect you from the sun.
When should you get a ladder in a slaughterhouse?
When the steaks are high
Why is it a good idea to rub blueberries on your face when you're embarrassed?
You should berry your face in shame.
Study: m**... helps cure the common cold'
Hope so, I've got no tissues left.
5 advices to men for a happy life
1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
German scientists have discovered a new drug, derived from the bacteria *Adolfus hitlerii*, which will be applied to people with ADD.
Its ad campaign will carry the slogan "It helps Jew concentrate"
Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses?
It helps with division.
the Bible says
"If a man is to lay with another man he should be s**...." in my experience it helps
I'm starting a fund to help build a new hitch-hiking robot, please donate.
Every little bit helps.
If I'm ever on life support, I want to be unplugged.
And then plugged back in to see if that helps
I was travelling on the West Coast when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that said: "I miss Detroit"
...so I broke a window, stole the radio, and left a note that said, "Hope this helps."
How to lose weight easy
Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.
My friend loved to collect tractors but stopped after he had a bad accident in one. These days he helps the fire service by removing all the smoke from burning buildings...
...he is an ex-tractor fan.
The riot police are always early.
I hear it helps them beat the crowds.
Team work is important,
it helps to put the blame on someone else.
Son - I'm late for work, can you call me a cab?
Dad - I don't know how that helps but
You're a cab.
Pinocchio is having issues in bed.
He goes to his doctor, and says his girlfriend is complaining about splinters. The doctor tells him to apply some sandpaper to his junk and see if that helps.
A week later the doc sees Pinocchio skipping down the street and asks how his girlfriend is doing.
"Who needs a girlfriend?"
New movie coming out about a golden retriever who helps a deaf boy.
It's called "Ear Bud."
I like going for a jog at night
The fear of getting murdered really helps my stamina.
An old fire mage asks his granddaughter to help him set up a "Face Book".
After she helps him sign up, add some friends, and pick a profile picture, he decides to write a short profile description as well.
"What would you like it to say?" says the granddaughter.
"Well, first, I am a fire mage, and I... love lemon meringue."
The granddaughter nods "mm-hmm" and begins typing:
"Pie-romancer."
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO LIVE HAPPY LIFE!
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be in it with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other
This mnemonic joke helps you remember the alphabet...
Acronym
Based
Comedy
Doesn't
Ever
Feel
Good
Honestly,
I
Just
Keep
Lamenting
My
Negative
Opinion,
Perhaps
Questioning
Reality
Serves
The
Universe
Very
Well
...
Xylophone, yak, zebra.
The Bible says 'a man who lies with another man should be s**...'
I mean, it's not essential, but it helps.
They say dunking your head in cold water helps wake you up
But no one realizes boiling water is much more effective
Someone is stabbed twice a day in my city
Nobody helps the poor guy .
A doctor and a lawyer met with an accident....
A doctor and a lawyer in 2 cars collide on a country road.
The lawyer seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepts and has a couple of generous sips and hands it back to the lawyer, who closes it and puts it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave."
True story: when I was a kid I used to mix up lyrics. For example, after watching Mary Poppins, I sang "a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down." -My dad thought is was SO funny I mixed that line up.
Little did either of us know, I was predicting my future diabetes problems.
Woman Talks
An elderly couple talk in the evening: Honey,
I'm so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often.
How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?
I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.
And that helps? Yes, because I'm using your toothbrush.
A man is filling is car up with gasoline ...
And spills some on his arm. He doesn't think anything of it. A few minutes later, he lights a cigarette and his arm catches on fire. He stuck an itnout the window to try and put it out, to no avail.
A policeman sees him, pulls him over, and helps him out out the fire. Then he writes him a ticket.
i**... transportation of a fire arm.
I listen to Justin Bieber when working...
White noise helps me focus.
A blonde crashes a helicopter
A policeman arrives shortly and helps the blonde out from the wreckage. "How did this happen?",questions the policeman. The blonde replies,"It got chilly so I turned off the fan."
Did you hear about the Optometrist who helps police solve crimes?
He's a Private I
What do you call a Mexican dude who helps you assemble stuff?
Manuel
A man who lies with another man should be s**....
It helps. Thats all I'm saying!
If you suffer from mental illness, it always helps to remember you are not alone.
Unless the mental illness is schizophrenia
What do you call a webpage that helps your eyes feel better?
A site for sore eyes!
My dad made this up and wanted me to post it lol
While weighting my self on the bathroom scale I s**... in my gut.
My wife laughed and said, "Do you think that helps you weigh less?"
I said, "No but it does help me to see how much I weigh."
Bubonic plague inflames your lymph nodes.
But pneumonic plague helps you to remember things
What's the difference between your dentist and a philosopher?
Your dentist helps you solve molar dilemmas.
How do electricians relax?
They meditate.
*Oooohhhmmmm*
They do it after getting all amped up after a long day. It helps organize the mind after getting their wires crossed.
I bought my G/F a nightie with fur around the bottom....
It helps keep her neck warm.
I saw a man at an intersection holding a sign saying Homeless VET, anything helps.
So I stopped to ask him how he ended up on the street, he said I got caught sleeping with my patients.
Husband: Honey, how do you stay so calm even after I shout at you and belittle you?
Wife: I have this amazing technique that always helps me calm down.
Husband: Really!? How does it work?
Wife: It's nothing big... I just clean the toilet.
Husband: (laughing) Wow, you really are an idiot! How does that calm you down?
Wife: Because I use your toothbrush!
A woman caught her husband on the weight scale s**... on his big fat belly
"Steven, that won't help you, you know?"
"Oh it helps A LOT." The man says. "It's the only way I can see the numbers on the thing!"
I walked up to the bar.
I said, "My date would like a drink. What would you recommend?"
He said, "Anything that helps her to get to know the real *you*, sir."
I rummaged around in my wallet and said, "Tap water it is, then."
A young man helps his grandfather with his computer issues
His grandfather seems to be unable to set a password.
Trying to figure out the problem the young man looks at the password the old man is trying to set
His password is ParisLondonMickeyMouse
Puzzled by this, the man asks his grandfather why he wants to set this password anyways.
The grandfather simply replies: It wanted two capitals and a character .
My wife was complaining about how much effort I put into customizing my avatar at the beginning of games....
I told her that hard work helps build character.
A man walks up to the receptionist counter in a s**... bank...
The receptionist hands him a cup and directs him to room 1.
He says Ok, let's go. She says, Uh, you go by yourself.
He says But at the blood bank, the nurse always helps me.
What do you call someone who helps you learn to f**...?
A Tooter (my 9yo daughter made it up)
If you're trying to meet an attractive nurse
It helps to be patient.
f**... procession
Jim and Bob are playing golf when Jim notices the f**... procession go by on the highway. He kneels on one knee and takes off his golf cap as it goes by. After the procession is gone, Bob helps Jim up and pats him on the back, all while saying, That was so nice and thoughtful of you! Jim lines up his next shot and comments, I felt it was the right thing to do, after all we were married for 43 years.
COWBOY TOMBSTONE JOKE
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me
A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, s**... in his stomach.
"Joe, you know that's not going to help you," she said
"Oh it helps a lot," he replies. It's the only way I can see the numbers!
He arrives mysteriously. He helps others, performs miracles, gets betrayed, and finally ascends into the heavens.
E.T. was a great movie.
I like to chat with others while eating Italian food.
It helps to pasta time.
A woman helps a man who is having a heart attack.
The woman asks the gathering crowd, "Any doctor here?" One man answered, "I'm a doctor, what's going on?" The woman says, "He's having a heart attack, can you help?" The man says, "I'm a doctor in philosophy." The woman says, "He is going to die!!". The doctor replies, "We are all going to die."
I realized that whacking off helps me fall asleep much faster
This whole time the cure for insomnia was within my grasp
My friend keeps lying about how he didn't steal my sleeping pills
Whatever helps him sleep at night.
Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"
According to a recent medical study, m**... helps to ease congestion.
The traffic cops on my afternoon commute did not agree, however.
What do you call a crackhead who helps to turn your life around?
A motivational tweaker.
Why should you always hug children after they lose their parents?
It helps release endorphans.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
What rodent helps reduce your risk when trading livestock futures?
A hedgehog
A very serious question.
If your uncle jack helps you off an elephant, will you help your uncle j**... an elephant?
So I started drinking a bottle of windex every morning....
I'm not sure that it helps prevent covid-19 but my underwear has definitely been cleaner, No more streaks!
Before s**..., you help each other get n**.... After s**..., you dress only yourself.
Moral: In life no one helps you once you're s**....
Five Important qualities
1. Its important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. Its important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. Its important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesnt lie to you.
4. Its important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. Its very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
What do gay horses eat?
Hayyy. *it helps if you say in gay voice.
