Helping Others Jokes

"If we don't change the direction we're going, we're likely to end up at the wrong end."
"People who go out of their way to help others have great taste."
"An eye for an eye leaves everybody blind, but not hungry."
"Don't give up though the pace seems slow, you may succeed at another morgue."
"A journey of a hundred trillion cells begins with a single nibble."
"The only difference between a big shot and a little shot is that the big shot takes longer to chew."
"It's all right to have little butterflies in your stomach. In fact, I'd say a trip to the elementary school play is a wonderful idea."
"You don't know what your appetite can get away with until you try. Or are tried."
"If you carry your childhood with you, you should probably go the bathroom soon."
"Never keep up with Joneses. Have them over for dinner."
"Let your hook always be cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be a very startled swimmer."

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and he loved to tell it every time I saw him. He knew quite a few others too, but this was always my favorite.*
A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"
He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until *WHACK!* He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his c**....
"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"
He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"
"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"
*

The Three Nuns

One day, three nuns decided to disobey their rules and walk around the convert n**.... Because the convert was visible from a road, they decided to close the blinds so no one would see them. The blinds were slightly broken so there was a single opening. the nuns decided to have one of the nuns keep watch while the other two went about their day. Later that day, a man started walking up the sidewalk to the convert. the nun on watched yelled to the others to hide. The man walked up to the window and called out to see if anyone was there. One of the nuns piped up and sayed she was, and asked what he needed. The man said that he was a blind man, looking for work. The nuns whispered to themselves, and agreed that since he was blind, they could let him in to help him. So the first nun opeded the door, still completely n**... along with the other two nuns. When the door opened, the man recoiled back in surprise. "why did you answer the door completely n**...?" he asked. Then nun was taken aback, " i thought you said you were blind!"
The man said "no, i am a BLINDS man, and i came to fix your blinds!"

Another Soviet Joke

In a small town outside Moscow a very proud primary school teacher began the Monday the same was she began every monday: by asking the students what they did to help their fellow comrads in the glorious Soviet Union. She turned to Illya Ivanovich.
"Illya Ivanovich, what did you do today to help the Collective?"
Illya thought a moment and replied, "Well, Katerina Maximovna, I helped an old woman cross the street."
"Wonderful," his teacher replied, "you truly helped your country. And you, Alexander Michaelovich, what did you do this weekend to help the Collective?"
"Well, you see Katerina Maximovna, I was helping Illya to help the old lady cross the street."
"OK. Good work. You certainly helped your nation and your fellow comrads." Katerina then looked at Dimitri Fyodorovich.
"And you, Dimitri Fyodorovich. What did you do this weekend to benefit the Collective?"
Dimitri thought for a moment, and then said, "Katerina Maximovna, you see, I was also helping Alexander and Illya to help the old woman across the street."
Katerina Maximovna paused a moment, and then with a confused look she said, "OK, Dimitri Fyodorovich, it is always good to help others. But I am confused. Why did it take three strong young boys to help one old babushka across the street?"
Dimitri thought for a moment and answered, "Well, you see, she didn't want to cross."

3 Men Die and go to Heaven... (Joke dedicated to phoncible)

St. Peter at the gate says that there is only one spot left, and he'll give it to the guy that died in the worst way between the three of them.
So the first guy says, "I came home from work, suspecting my wife of cheating on me. I find no man around, but my wife is disrobed and laying in the bed. Finally, after searching for awhile, I find a man hanging off our balcony. So I hammer him fingers until he falls to his death. Unfortunately, he lands in some bushes and, save for a few cuts and bruises, he's alright. So, as mad as I am, I throw our fridge out over the balcony on top of him. I felt so bad, that I shot myself."
St. Peter says, "My, that's a terrible story. I don't know if these 2 can top that."
So the second guy begins. "Well, I'm doing yoga on my balcony in just my sweatpants. I live on the 23rd floor of my apartment building. Well, due to an odd series of yoga stretches, I fall. Luckily, I caught the floor below me. And here comes someone to help me up! But then he starts hammering my fingers! So I fall, thinking this is it. But I land in some bushes and I'm OK! And that's when I see a refrigerator..."
St. Peter is stunned, thinking no one can top this story. So the third guy looks at the others and says,
"Picture this. You're n**... in a refrigerator."

Three guys on a summer road trip…

As they were driving down a long desolate highway, their vehicle being to sputter along and finally died. Unable to start it up, the three guys decided it was a good idea to make the long trek to the nearest city. o**... said, Lets each take one thing with us to help us on this long walk. All agreed and begin searching.
The first guy picked the cooler they brought, If we get thirsty, we have something to drink! The other two replied, Great idea!
The second guy looked around, I know what I will take! I will take the car seat, so if we ever get tired we can take a load off. Great idea! the others said.
Third guy, looking and looking, could not figure out what he wanted to take. Finally he gets an idea. I'm going to take the car door The other two, giving him a funny look.
Well if it gets hot, we can roll down the window!

An American, Mexican, and Arab are in a plane...

They fly over America and the American drops a ball out of the plane. The others ask why and he replies, "This will make someone in my country very happy and I love my country."
They fly over Mexico and the the Mexican drops a flower out of the plane. The others ask why and he replies, "I love my country and wish to make it more beautiful."
When they fly over Iran, the Arab drops a bomb out of the plane. Seeing the shocked looks on the other's faces he says, "I hate this country."
When the American gets home he sees a boy crying on the street. He goes to see whats wrong and the boy says, "I was walking my dog and a ball fell from the sky and killed him!"
When the Mexican gets home he sees a woman crying holding her face. He goes to help and asks what the problem is. She cries out, "I heard a wooshing sound, looked up, and a flower stabbed me in the eye!"
When the Arab gets home he sees a man rolling on the ground laughing. He asks the man whats so funny and the man chokes out the worlds, "I f**... and the building behind me blew up!"

Help with joke

3 terrorists are about to behead an infidel.
The first one says god is great. God is great. We will kill this infidel and Allah will bless us with 72 Virgins.
The second says. God is great god is great. We will kill this infidel and Allah will bless us with untold riches.
The third t**... takes out a cellphone and starts dialing really fast.
The two others are looking at him and asking him what he is doing?
So the guy goes:
God is great god is great. My passport just came in and now I can go to Iraq and fight the U.S.
How is that great? We have work to do here?
More money, more virgins. You do the math.
Math? Kill the infidel, he's a Jew.

Blonde Race

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all lifeguards. Each thought they were better swimmers than the others. So they decided to have a race down across the town lake. To make the race fair it was decided that everyone was to use the breaststroke.
The lake was huge so it took the redhead, obviously the best swimmer, 2 hours to swim across. The brunette followed her finishing with a time of 3.5 hours. After 5 hours the blonde has not made it across. Just as the redhead and the brunette are about the get on a boat and begin searching for the blonde, she crawls onto the shore.
Both the redhead and the brunette rush to her aid and try to help her up. She shoves them away and yells, 'Get off me you cheaters! I saw you using your arms!'

A guy goes to a restaurant

and notices all the waiters had a spoon in their shirt pocket. He can't help but ask his waiter about the spoon and the waiter says: "Well, a Consulting Firm told us that having a spoon cuts the wait time when a patron drops theirs on the floor, we don't have to go all the way back and get another, just pull the one in our pocket"
The guy is amazed at the answer, but then notices the male waiters had a string coming out of the pants fly and asks his waiter about it.
"The same Consulting Firm -the waiter responds- said when we go pee, we waste so much time washing our hands that pulling it our with the string keeps us from having to handle it, and therefore we save time not having to wash our hands"
Our guy sees a flaw in this and asks the waiter "Well, the string works pulling it out, but how do you put it back in?" to which the waiter says:
"I don't know about the others, but I just use the spoon in my pocket"

Perils of Hunting

Three guys are out hunting. They are sitting around the fire when one say's I have to go. He goes out to find a place to relieve himself. He suddenly yells back to camp. "Did anyone bring TP?" No the others yell and tell him to use some leaves. He yells back "there are no leaves" One of his friends tells him to use a dollar. He comes back to camp in a few minutes. One of the hunters can't help but notice the smell and brown on his hands. He asks him what happen. He replies is disgust. "Have you ever tried to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel?"

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island.

One day the blond comes running up to the others screaming that she found a magic lamp.
The others bored out of their minds decides to follow.
They finally show up to the spot and they see a really old lamp.
The brunette picks it up and wipes some dust off of it.
A genie pops out and says "You three who have disturbed my slumber, I will give you each one wish, so that I may sleep for a hundred more years."
The brunette, holding the lamp decides to go first. "I wish I were home with my family again." *p**...* and she vanishes.
The redhead goes next and says, "I wish I were back home with my boyfriend." *p**...* and she vanishes."
The blonde has no clue what to wish for, and the genie is getting impatient. She finally says "I don't know ask for... I wish my friends were here to help me decide."

One cold January morning

On a cold January morning a f**... was being held for a man who passed away. After the service the pal barers are caring the coffin out of the church. As they walk down the steps one man slips and loses his grip on the casket causing the others to lose their grips. The coffin goes sliding down then steps, into the road and down a hill. At the bottom of the hill it crashes through the front window of a local pharmacy and goes crashing through the whole store and slams into the counter in the back. As soon as it hits the coffin opens and the dead guy sits up. The Pharmacist asks How can i help you? The dead guy says Ya you got anything to stop this coffin?