Helping Jokes
157 helping jokes and hilarious helping puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about helping that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Been feeling discouraged while helping your child with subtraction? Discover some fun and effective strategies that will help turn the experience into a positive one. Learn how to encourage your child to help others nicely, lighten their homework load, and develop problem-solving skills.
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Funniest Helping Short Jokes
Short helping jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The helping humour may include short helps jokes also.
- I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me Do you need help? I said, Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead.
- When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
- I asked my wife, I'm stuck on this crossword clue Overworked postman — can you help? She said, Sure. How many letters?
Me: I'm guessing—- Too many. - I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die". I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.
- Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.
- I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore... They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.
- Librarian: Can I help you? Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Dave: No...
Librarian: One day that will work. - My dad is obsessed with The Beatles and is missing just one of their songs from his record collection. He needs Help.
- Where would you park your camel? The Camelot.
PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment - I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ''I could marry you!'', I couldn't believe it You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return
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Helping One Liners
Which helping one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with helping? I can suggest the ones about assistance and help wanted.
- I volunteered to help blind children today! That's a verb not an adjective btw.
- I help blind kids Verb, not adjective
- I was thinking the other day ... So I shouted, "Thomeone help! I can't thwim!"
- I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues. Everyone kept telling me You're the bomb.
- In my spare time I help blind children. I mean the verb, not the adjective.
- Chuck Norris called 911 And asked if they needed help.
- "Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?" "Yes, David, how can we help you?"
- After work, I volunteer to help blind children By the way: Verb, not adjective
- Help! My husband's too controlling!
- I like to help blind children. The verb, not the adjective.
- Why does leather armour help the wearer be stealthy? Because it's made of hide.
- Assist is 50% the letter "S"... The rest are just there to help.
- Shout out to those who don't know the opposite of in. They need the help.
- "Hey, can you help me sharpen these throwing stars?" "Shuriken"
- Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I am forever in your debt.
Helping Hand Jokes
Here is a list of funny helping hand jokes and even better helping hand puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves On one hand, they are good for cold weather.
On the other, they don't really help. - How do you help a cannibal? By giving him a hand.
- Why is it important to have plenty of help when changing a light bulb? Many hands make light work.
- No plastic surgeon will help me! I have really giant hands and I'd like to make them smaller, but every time I ask the doctor for a hand-job I get kicked out.
- A man rushes to a doctor Doctor, Doctor. You've got to help me. I just can't stop my hands from shaking.
Do you drink a lot?
Not really. I spill most of it! - What do you do when a Soviet nuclear engineers asks for help in Ukraine? You give them a third hand.
- I feel like getting on your knee doesn't really help the Black Lives Matter movement. Last time a black man got on his knees, his hands were up and he was shot in the back.
- Confucius say, man who have no helping hands get defeat!
- New York police officers helped a black woman deliver a baby on the side of the road Said one officer, Come out with your hands up!
- Seth Myers / Writers - A fisherman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, can you help me!? I've hurt my hand!" The doctor takes a look and says, "It's nothing too serious, you've pulled a mussel."
Helping Others Jokes
Here is a list of funny helping others jokes and even better helping others puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I donate my O- blood as often as allowed, but I don't do it to help others. The blood donation center is just the only place I can go where I'm everyone's type.
- I wear a mask. Not because I want to, but because it is considerate of others and helps stop the spread of particulates. I also wear underwear. Not because I want to, but...
- I like to chat with others while eating Italian food. It helps to pasta time.
- We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.
- I asked a genie to make me a nightmare for others. He turned me into a nocturnal horse that helps people.
- I'm starting a service helping people break up with their significant others over dinner I'm calling it FedEx
- He arrives mysteriously. He helps others, performs miracles, gets betrayed, and finally ascends into the heavens. E.T. was a great movie.
- People want to help hippos and conserve them, while others dislike hippos for attacking humans. Why are people so hippo-critical?
- What do you call a dinosaur who help others with back pains? A chiropraptor
- Leatherface gets a bad rap but deep down he is a true romantic trying to help others. He's just trying to Stihl their beating hearts.
Uproarious Helping Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about helping you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean supportive jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make helping pranks.
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
Top 3 lies told by Wyoming cowboys
1) I own this truck.
2) I won this belt buckle in a rodeo.
3) I was just helping that sheep over the fence.
What are the two biggest lies in Wyoming?
My truck is paid for, and honestly officer, I was just helping the sheep over the fence.
Don't forget capital letters...
In the world of high-tech gadgetry, more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse, and helping your uncle j**... a horse."
Good Grammar is the Difference...
...between
* Helping your Uncle j**... a horse
and
* Helping your Uncle j**... a horse
As a kid I used to get so excited to see the cockpit on the plane
As a kid I used to get so excited to see the cockpit on the plane. I would always sit on the isle seat and wait for the cockpit door to open. Sometime the flight attendant will get in the way and block your view, you know bend over in a s**... way sorting stuff or helping someone .so I say to her "HEY MOVE! I WANT TO SEE THE PLANES COCKPIT NOT YOURS"
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint...
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
I've been a little worried about the voices I hear in my head,..
.. luckily one of them is a therapist and he's been helping me through it.
Two girls are setting up their new dorm room together.
One is from Georgia and the other is from Connecticut. The one from Connecticut has her mom there helping her put up some blinds. The one from Georgia asks, "Hey! Where y'all from?" The other girl replies, "We're from a place where we know not to end our sentences with prepositions." So the girl from Georgia says,
"Oh, I'm sorry. Where y'all from...c**...?"
Eat the watermelons
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation.
So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE! "
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO! "
The three biggest lies in Wyoming...
"I won this belt buckle in a rodeo, my trucks paid for and I was just helping that sheep over the fence."
Little Johnny saw two dogs having s**... in the park...
... so he asks his mother what's going on.
The mom isn't ready to have "that talk" yet, so she makes up a story. "Well, Johnny," she says, "the d**... in the back hurt its front paws, so the one in the front is helping him get home."
Johnny thinks about that for a moment and then says, "Wow, so dogs are just like people, aren't they?"
The mom is puzzled by that. "What do you mean, Johnny?"
"Well," says Johnnie, "you try to help someone and you just end up getting s**...."
helpful dog
A man and his son come across two dogs h**.... The son says, "Dad, what are those dogs doing?"
His father replies, "Well, the dog on top must have hurt his two front paws, and that dog on the bottom is helping him home."
The son says, "It just figures -- you try to help someone out, and they screw you."
I heard this joke today for the first time, it might be repost/an old one (idk), but here it is
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
A boy is talking to his 100 year-old grandfather...
The grandfather says, "You know, when I was not so much older than you are now, I lived in Sydney, Australia. In fact, I earned a bit of spare change helping on the construction of the ol' Harbour Bridge."
The boy says, "Wow! That sounds fascinating! Was it exciting?"
The grandfather, shaking his head, says, "It was just riveting work."
Johnny's parents hired a tutor to help him with statistics
after his first session with the tutor, his parents asked him how it went.
johnny said "well, today i learned that correlation is not equal to causation"
johnny's mother was pleased: "so hiring this tutor is really helping you understand statistics!?"
johnny responded "well, not necessarily."
My little girl loves helping me when I'm doing the cooking, because I always let her lick the spoon.
The sooner she's old enough to buy her own h**..., the better.
This one time I was helping a blind girl up...
She said "Wow sir, you have big arms!"
"Nah." I replied. "You're just pulling my leg."
One day Bob gets a text from his neighbor...
The text reads: "Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt about something and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you aren't home. Probably more than you, honestly. I know its no excuse, but I don't get it at home. But now, I can't live with this guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later Bob gets a second text from his neighbor: "Sorry, really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'."
Edit for clarity.
I'm going to start a foundation dedicated to helping people with obsessive behaviour.
And call it Obsessive Disorders Control.
Child walks in on parents in c**...
Mummy and Daddy are having s**... and their beautiful child walks in. Flustered, Mummy leaps off the bed (and off her husband) and wittingly tries to console what she thinks is her scarred son.
son: mummy, what's going on?
mum: oh son! I was just helping your daddy to flatten his belly
son: but why mummy? there's no point. the nanny just comes and blows it back up again.
Thank you student loans for helping me get through college and for all that you've done for me!
I don't know how I'll ever repay you.
I've got a new job. I'm helping out a one-armed typist whenever she needs to type a capital letter.
It's shift work
A man lost $100 bill
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
From an English Professor.
"In the world of hi-tech gadgetry , I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the practice of using capital letters.
The use of capitals , known as capitalization , is the difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse, and helping your uncle j**... a horse.
Is everybody clear on that ?"
With terrorists in Iran, Turkey helping fund ISIS, and Greece in economic shambles I must ask.
If Iran attacked Turkey from the rear do you think Greece would help?
CNN has just reported that Monika Lewinski will be helping with the Donald Trump for president campaign.
Apparently, the last time she endorsed a Clinton, it left a bad taste in her mouth.
A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"
She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.
He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"
The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black b**...."
Help us choose a new name for our nonprofit. We're teenagers in China and Japan helping senior citizens.
Apparently 'Youth in Asia for the Elderly' isn't having the effect we thought it would.
Hey girl, do you play Pokemon GO?
Because I wouldn't mind helping you hatch some of your eggs.
A Nurse talks to her young Patient
Kid: Thanks for helping me get through these tough times, will you come and see me when I get out?
Nurse: I'd love to, but I am scared of visiting graveyards
Helping a friend
So I got a text from my friend this morning telling me he was going to kill himself.
Do I reply? Or just leave him hanging.
I used to have a part time job helping a one-armed typist write capital letters
It was shift work.
Today I was helping a friend install his fence, but I put in one of the stakes upside down so we had to do it over.
Sorry for the repost.
Just bought a new phone, it's helping me with weight loss
I don't have money to eat anything for 2 months.
Capitalization is important
There's a big difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse and helping your uncle j**... a horse.
[Politics] i**... immigrants are lucky
The government is helping them escape the US
...and into mexico, where a booming ladder industry is providing plenty of jobs
I have a job helping a one armed man type capitals.
It's shift work.
I told my wife that I am helping create jobs in the economy.
I left a dish in the sink and told her she now has a job to do.
I was helping Mom with the computer and now she thinks I'm racist...
All I told her to do was push "ALT + →"
I got a job assisting a fledgling orchestra with their day to day activities and helping to organize upcoming shows...
My official title is Band Aide.
(I thought of this in the shower, so it's definitely not funny)
Capitalization...
Is what defines wether you're helping your Uncle j**... a horse, or you're helping your Uncle j**... a horse.
A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.
She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of France?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of Russia?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."
What temperature is best for helping babies grow?
w**... temperature.
Where y'all from?
Two freshmen girls are moving into their dorm room together.
One of them's from Georgia, one of them's from Connecticut.
The girl from Connecticut's helping her mother put up curtains.
Girl from Georgia turns to them and says, "Hi. Where y'all from?"
Girl from Connecticut says, "We're from a place where we know not to end a sentence with a preposition."
The girl from Georgia says, "Oh, beg my pardon. Where y'all from...c**...?"
My grandma taught me to be like Jesus and spend every day helping the powerless.
So I became an electrician.
Dear people who don't write capital letters,
We're the difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse and helping your uncle j**... a horse.
I got a new job helping a one armed typist write in capitals
It's only shift work, though.
God wants to take a vacation
But he has no idea where to go. His archangel, Michael, is helping him decide.
"How about Pluto?" He asks
"Nah, it's too cold there."
"Well, what about Saturn?"
"Nah, not a fan of the rings."
"Well then how about Earth?"
"Are you kidding me? I vacationed there 2,000 years ago, accidentally knocked this chick up, and they're still talking about it!"
While helping some freshmen check into their dorms at our state college I overheard a couple of new co-eds rate me as a six.
It really saddens me that our public school systems are only teaching kids to count to six.
A mother is helping her son revise for a geography exam
She asks "What's the Capital of Germany?"
He replies "Berlin."
She then asks "What's the Capital of France?"
He replies "Berlin."
She asks "What's the Capital of Russia?"
He replies "Berlin."
She finally asks "What's the Capital of Poland?"
He replies "Berlin."
She then hugs him and says "I'm sure you'll do great, Adolf"
What does a man who just r**... 300 million people say after?
We are helping consumers and promoting competition, Mr. Pai said. Broadband providers will have more incentive to build networks, especially to underserved areas.
My mom asked me to paint her room for her.
Apparently duct taping spray paint cans to a roomba Is not helping and why we don't love you anymore
I've just gotten a part-time job helping a one-armed man type capital letters...
It's shift work.
I've been feeling really stressed lately, so my doctor advised me that before going to bed, I should drink two glasses of red wine, after a hot bath, but to be honest, it's not really helping at all...
...I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Economy
My friend was helping me understand economics. He asked, what is something that would be good for the economy? I said, Chicken. He says yeah..ok, so what would be bad for the economy?
Me: If they breathed fire!
Yo Mama's so generous...
...she gave you an extra helping of chromosomes.
^^^OriginalJoke
(dad joke) A Dad was helping his daughter study for her drivers permit test.
Dad: What do you when the light is green?
Daughter: Go.
Dad: What do you do when the light is red?
Daughter: Stop.
Dad: What do you do when the light is yellow?
Daughter: Slow down
Dad: **WWHHHAAATTTT DDOOOO YOUUUUU DOOOO WHEEEENNNN THEEEEE LIIIIIIIIGHTTT TURRRRNNNSSSS YELLLOOOOOW?**
I'm proud to say I've been clean for one year.
But all these showers aren't helping me quit smoking crack.
I was walking down the street the other day and I saw 4 guys ganging up on a little kid
I walked right on past because I figured reposting would be a bigger crime than helping beat the kid up.
I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work
Kim Jong Un spends his spare time helping his citizens measure all sorts of things
He was quite a ruler.
It's funny isn't it, someone calls the police because they found a dead body and they are helping the police out...
I do the same after finding dozens of dead bodies and i they just tell me to "leave the cemitery"
When the little boys stuck in that cave in Thailand are rescued, there's definitely gonna be a movie. There's a ex US Navy Seal helping. They're gonna make the movie all about him
and have Scarlett Johansen playing one of the Thai boys.
I had a polish cleaner helping around the house, it took them 4 hours to clean the front room carpet.
It turns out she was a slo-vak.
The importance of punctuation...
... is the difference between helping your uncle, Jack, off a horse or helping your uncle j**... a horse.
I thought my doctor was helping me with these lumbar injections...
But come to find out, he was just stabbing me in the back.
I love helping blind children
The verb not the adjective
I was helping my sister move when she said, "do you wanna box?"
Why was she so mad when I punched her in the face?
What did the Buddhist say to the tofu hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a twenty dollar bill. The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.
The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
Punctuation and grammar makes all the difference
Proper punctuation and grammar is the difference between helping your Uncle, Jack, off a horse and helping your uncle j**... a horse .
I saw an old woman on the news who's house was flooded
She was standing there, knee deep in water, crying......and I thought that's not helping
Cr
"Rincewind, all the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"
"Yeah, Luters I expect." --Terry Pratchet, The Light Fantastic
TIFU by helping my dad through his divorce by telling him he could do anything.
Apparently he thought my girlfriends name was anything.
I was recently fired from McDonald's for helping myself to too many cheeseburgers
I think I was misled about their "opportunities for growth"
Capital letters are the only thing between helping your Uncle j**... a horse...
...and helping your uncle j**... a horse.
A student arrives late to class
Teacher asks: Why are you late today?
Student: Someone lost a hundred dollar bill while I was on my way to school.
Teacher: Oh, so you were helping him?
Student: No, I was standing on top of it.
I'm trying to finish the book Holes
My trypophobia is NOT helping.
There are three lies a West Virginian always tells...
1) I own that truck.
2) She's not my sister.
3) I was just helping that sheep over the fence.
