Helping Hand Jokes
98 helping hand jokes and hilarious helping hand puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about helping hand that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Helping Hand Short Jokes
Short helping hand jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The helping hand humour may include short helping jokes also.
- An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves On one hand, they are good for cold weather.
On the other, they don't really help. - Why is it important to have plenty of help when changing a light bulb? Many hands make light work.
- No plastic surgeon will help me! I have really giant hands and I'd like to make them smaller, but every time I ask the doctor for a hand-job I get kicked out.
- A man rushes to a doctor Doctor, Doctor. You've got to help me. I just can't stop my hands from shaking.
Do you drink a lot?
Not really. I spill most of it! - What do you do when a Soviet nuclear engineers asks for help in Ukraine? You give them a third hand.
- I feel like getting on your knee doesn't really help the Black Lives Matter movement. Last time a black man got on his knees, his hands were up and he was shot in the back.
- New York police officers helped a black woman deliver a baby on the side of the road Said one officer, Come out with your hands up!
- Seth Myers / Writers - A fisherman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, can you help me!? I've hurt my hand!" The doctor takes a look and says, "It's nothing too serious, you've pulled a mussel."
- I would help you carry some of those bushes... but I've already got two palms on my hands.
- Watches help us not waste time... But the hand on which it's worn becomes a waist of time.
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Helping Hand One Liners
Which helping hand one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with helping hand? I can suggest the ones about helpline and handy man.
- How do you help a cannibal? By giving him a hand.
- Confucius say, man who have no helping hands get defeat!
- How do Communists ask for help? Quit Stalin and get Lenin me a hand right Mao!
- Who helps me most when I need to relieve stress? My right hand, man.
- What do you do when a man with Leprosy offers his hand for help? You give it back.
- I played a game called a Helping Hand... I thought he was finger spelling.
- I made an amputee's day once. When he needed help, I gave him a hand.
- How can you help a starving cannibal?
Give him a helping hand. - How do you ask someone with leprosy for help? Can you give me a hand
- What did one hand say to the other? "Help, I think I'm in glove".
- Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
- Help me Doctor! My hands hurt! My fingers, palms, wrists... ...& Knuckles
- Need your help. Give me some bear puns! or I will kill you with my BEAR hands
- I would help with your b**... k**... My hands are tied at the moment though.
- Why should you ask a l**... to help you move? They're always willing to give you a hand.
Helping Hand Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about helping hand you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean missing hand jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make helping hand pranks.
My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.
*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and he loved to tell it every time I saw him. He knew quite a few others too, but this was always my favorite.*
A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"
He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until *WHACK!* He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his c**....
"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"
He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"
"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"
*
I got a phone call from my son's school today
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
Twice a Day
This guy goes to his doctor "You gotta help me. I can't stop having s**...." "How often do you have it?" The doc asks "Well, twice a day with my wife." The doc says "That's no to bad." The guy says "Yeah, but that's not all, I also have s**... with my secretary, twice a day." The doc says "That's a bit excessive."" and I have s**... with a p**..., twice a day" "That is definitely too much. You got to learn to take this situation in hand."
"I do," says the man "Twice a Day
The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free s**....'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
The Montana Department of Employment
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.
A man moves into a haunted house
After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."
At a cinima
a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was f**... herself furiously. He moved over to the seat next to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so he started f**... her like crazy. After awhile he got tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. "Wasn't I good enough?" he asked. "Great," she said, "but these c**... are still itching!"
Last day for your taxes
A man walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gave the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and started slapping him on the back. The boy coughed up 2 of the nickels, but kept choking.
Looking at his son, the father panicked and shouted for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at the coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's t**... and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the last nickel, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's t**..., the woman handed the nickel to the father and walked back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
The Final Exam
The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking their history final then, they decided to find their professor after it was over and explain to her why they had missed it.
They had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, they told her, and had planned to come back in time for the test, but on the way back, they'd taken a short cut down a dirt road and had had a flat tire. They didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and as a result they missed the final.
The Professor thought about it awhile and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated. They studied together that evening and, the next morning, arrived for the test. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem. It asked:
"(For 5 points) On what date was the Declaration of Independence ratified?"
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each in his separate room. "This test is going to be a breeze."
Each wrote July 4, 1776 and then turned the page.
On the second page was written:
"(For 95 points): Which tire?"
A young man walks into a ladies clothing store...
"I need to buy my girlfriend some gloves, but I don't know what size her hands are."
The beautiful young employee presses her hands into his and says, "I'm a 'small'. Does that help?"
"Oh yeah," he says. "You're hands are the exact same size as hers."
"Do you need anything else?" the young girl asks him.
"Now that you mention it, she also needs a bra and p**...."
Shirt Size
While working at a men's department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband. When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs. "I don't know his size, but my hands fit perfectly around his neck!"
A new monk arrives at the monastery.....
and is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that instead of copying the original books , they are copying the copies.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books sobbing. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is celebrate. " says the old monk with tears in his eyes.
So I saw these two guys fighting with a woman over her purse.
Being my first time in downtown New York, I didn't know if I should help out or intervene. Reluctantly I decided to lend a hand. Between the three of us, it didn't take us long to get the purse away from her.
~Garrison Keillor
I couldn't take my eyes off her
I kissed her parted lips, our tongues touched. One hand passionately kneaded her breast, tweaking her hardened n**....
As the other hand delved deep between her thighs I couldn't help but think, "This'll probably be the last open casket f**... I get invited to".
A man owned a small farm
A man owned a small farm near Maddock. The North Dakota Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my field hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week, plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I go into town and buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer sadly.
A good, short oldie to end your Monday
A professor is working in his office during his open hours. It's only a week away from the final exam, so he thinks nothing when one his students comes in. That is, until he sees she's in a short skirt, a low cut top, and closes the door behind her.
She quickly takes a seat and leans over the desk, saying, "Professor, I *really* need to pass this class. If I pass this exam, I'll pass the class, so I really need your help. It's very important to me. I mean, I would do *anything* to pass this exam."
She reaches out and touches the professor's hand lightly. The professor raises an eyebrow and glances at the closed door. He clears his t**... and leans in.
"Anything?" he asks.
"Anything," she nods.
He takes in a deep breath and then asks, "Would you . . . study?"
Fourth Grade Logic
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked,
"To draw out all his savings?"
I had a r**... exam once.
It didn't go so well.
Apparently the doctor was having a bit of trouble with some blockage, so he put one hand on my shoulder to help with leverage. I could tell it was going badly when he put his other hand on my shoulder as well.
Blonde woman calls her boyfriend....
"Sweetie, I'm doing this jigsaw puzzle and can't figure it out, would you come and help me?" she says.
Boyfriend comes over, and asks "What is the puzzle of?"
"A rooster", she replies miserably, gesturing towards the table, "But I can't even figure out where to start."
Boyfriend looks at the table, takes his girlfriend by the hand and says "OK, let's sit down and have a cup of tea, and then we can start putting the cornflakes back in the box."
Preacher
A preacher said, "Anyone with a special request who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar ."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.
Shredder
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
I was having trouble getting to sleep last night
After about an hour of tossing and turning, my wife rolled over, snuck her hand under the covers, and trailed it playfully down my chest.
"Want meeee to help you get to sleep", She whispered coyly into my ear.
"Yeah", I replied. "Tell me again how your day went".
Couch was comfy.
A company hire an efficiency expert as a consultant.
To everyone's surprise, the presentation was very interesting. For once many felt like this was a valuable use of time! as the presenter finished up, he said, "I hope you have found use in my presentation today, but I would warn you, be careful about using these techniques at home. The other night I was watching as my wife did the dinner dishes, and noticed some inefficiency in her technique. Wanting to be helpful, I advised her of several small improvements that could add up to maximum efficiency."
One of the attendees raised their hand,"Did it work? Did the dishwashing become more efficient?"
"Oh yes," the consultant replied,"before my advice, my wife took 18 minutes to finish the dishes, now I do it in 12."
Cleaning Day
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies, "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
Young couple codewords
The bashfull newlyweds decided to talk about "laundry" when one was interested in s**.... A Year later, when the new was off, the Husband asked "do you want to help me do the laundry tonight?"
Wife: "No, I am too tired".
The next night: "I have a headache". Next
On the following night: "I just don't feel like it".
Finally wife says: "How about doing the Laundry tonight".
Hubby's reply: "No worries, Dear, it was just a small load and I did it by hand!"
Liam Neeson was walking on a road.
He suddenly slipped and fell, twisting his knee. He looks around for some help. He sees a kid with a balloon coming towards him.
"Hey kid. Come here." He called him, asking for his help.
"Hello Liam Neeson, I see you are hurt. What happened?" He asks.
"Hurt my knee kid. Can you help me please?"
"Sure, take this." He says, handing him the balloon.
"What's this for?" Looking at him, confused.
"This is full of Heal-Liam."
A doctor and a lawyer met with an accident....
A doctor and a lawyer in 2 cars collide on a country road.
The lawyer seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepts and has a couple of generous sips and hands it back to the lawyer, who closes it and puts it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave."
Leviticus
One shabbes, Rabbi Bloom told his congregation, "Next week, my sermon will be all about the sin of lying and to help you understand it better I would like you all to read Leviticus chapter 28 before next week."
The following shabbes, at the start of his sermon, Rabbi Bloom asked his congregation, "How many of you have read Leviticus 28?" Every hand went up.
Rabbi Bloom smiled and said, "Leviticus has only 27 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
As l looked up and stared into his eyes, he had a fixed gaze on me
Moving my hands all over l asked "like that daddy?" He said "yes baby thats good". As i finished i couldnt help but smile; I had tied my first shoe
I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an e**....
When he came back he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?
A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...
Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?
The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a r**... hard-on
Wife: thats not a clock
Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.
What did I do wrong?
My father-in-law has been pretty depressed since losing his job last year. I wanted to help out so I pulled some strings and got him a job at the palm reading business where I work. I thought my wife would be thrilled but somehow here I am sleeping on the couch. That's the thanks I get for giving her dad a h**....
THE SIN OF LYING
A minister told his congregation, Next week, I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you to read Mark 17.
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The
minister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters, I
will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
Ha Ha Ha Haa
Blonde walks into a library and searches around for an hour.
Eventually she approaches the librarian with a book in her hands.
"Ah, learning all about fire I see", says the librarian, "very interesting".
"Well, no actually... " replies the blonde, "my boyfriend sent me out to get something, but this is the closest I could find".
"I'm sure I can help", says the librarian, "what did he ask you to find?"
"A book of matches"
A man walks up to the receptionist counter in a s**... bank...
The receptionist hands him a cup and directs him to room 1.
He says Ok, let's go. She says, Uh, you go by yourself.
He says But at the blood bank, the nurse always helps me.
A man asks a priest for God's help with his hearing......
'Of course! I'll give you God's blessing my child!', exclaims the priest. He puts his hands on the man's ears and gives him God's blessing.
'Is your hearing ok now?', asks the priest.
'Beats me.', says the man, 'It's not on until next week.'
A drunk guy walks out of a bar..
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging Out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his c**... and without Missing a beat, blurts out....
"F*c**... Me! My girlfriend's gone, too!!"
Yesterday, I saw a man standing all alone.
Even though he was turned away from me, I sensed something in his demeanor that suggested he could use some help. So being considerate, I approached him, placing a hand on his shoulder and asking " Do you mind if I join you? "
He certainly left the u**... in a hurry.
The Pope goes to Washington DC.
He's there to cure the sick, heal the masses, and all those Pope type things he does.
Donald Trump comes up to him and says, "Please Your Holiness, can you help me with my hearing?"
The pope then placed his hands over Trump's ears and blessed him.
"Well that's all well and good," said Trump, "but my impeachment hearing's not till next month."
What did the Buddhist say to the tofu hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a twenty dollar bill. The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.
The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
Trying to make up for bad behavior, I went to the shopping mall to buy my wife a gift.
I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife, I say eyeing the attractive sales girl, but I don't know her size.
Will this help? she asked sweetly, placing her hands in the gloves.
Oh, yes, I answered. Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.
Will there be anything else? the sales girl inquired, as she wrapped the gloves. Now that you mention it, I replied, she also needs a bra and p**....
A visibly upset pirate walks into a bar...
He goes to the counter and angrily orders a bottle of r**.... As the bartender hands it to him, he says, "I couldn't help but notice your problem there, Blackbeard. Is it that captain's wheel stuck on your c**...?"
Glaring, the pirate grabs the bottle and takes a long drink from it. "Yarr," he replies as he finishes. "It's drivin' me nuts."
A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: h**... - $15'.
The girl asks: 'Can I help?
'Yes,' says the man, 'the h**..., are you the one giving them?'
The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!'
The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'
An old man was walking down the street one day when he observed a small boy struggling to reach the doorbell at one of the houses.
The kindly old man said to the boy, Can I help you with that sonny?
At which point he smiled, placed a comforting hand on the boy's shoulder whilst pressing the doorbell firmly with his other hand.
There , said the old man, as he stepped back from the door. Now what do we do young man?
We run like h**... mister , the boy replied.
My son was mixing the pancake batter with a whisk in both hands while he was helping my wife make Father's Day breakfast.
I gasped and said, honey, do you really think you should be letting him do that? That looks two whisk-y!
A preacher tells his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. "
"To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, the preacher asks who read it, with every hand going up. The preacher smiles and says, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
I went to a bar on the weekend and the sign read:
Hamburgers £1:00
Cheeseburgers £2:00
h**... £3:00 (Oh yesss!!)
I called the attractive blonde behind the bar across to enquire. "Can I help you?" she asked with a big smile. "I was wondering (I whispered) Are you the one who gives them ummm!! Hand Jobs?" "Yessssss" she almost purrs "I am" "Well wash your hands," I said "I want a cheeseburger!!"
i asked my therapist: can you cure my b**... addiction?
he said: "i wish i can help you but my hands are tied"
An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?" "Yesh, Shombody shtole me car!",
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key." About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOH GOD... they got me girl too!"
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
A Day Off
An man goes to see his boss..
Boss, he says, we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff.
COVID has us short-handed, the boss replies. I can't afford to give anyone a day off.
The man says, Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!
Guy walks into a bar completely n**......
except for a beat up old sneaker on one foot. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender Hey man, can I get a beer?
The bartender shakes his head in disbelief, pours him a beer, and hands it to him. The bartender says Sir uh... I can't help but notice... you seem to have lost a shoe.
The man replies Nah dude I found one!
A young man was shopping in a department store. He sees an extremely attractive salesgirl and says, "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife, but I don't know her size." "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours." "Will there be anything else?" the sales girl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and p**...."
Young couple at doctors office
Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,
"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need to know if there is some medical problem."
Doctor sat back on his chair crossed his hands and sighed,
"You boys are nuts."
A minister told his congregation:
"Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Nearly every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Drunk guy at a bar
So there's a drunk guy at a bar and all of a sudden he starts to v**.... Oh no, I vomited on my t-shirt, my wife is gonna kill me! Says the drunkard. Let me help you with that , says the bartender. The bartender goes to the drunk guy and says: tell your wife some idiot vomited on your t-shirt and gave you 10 dollar for the inconvenience. Off he goes, the drunk guy.. he tells his wife the story and hands her 20 dollar. But you said 10 dollar , replies his wife. Yes but the idiot also s**... in my pants!
Trump, walking and arguing with a critic, stops a random person in the street to ask their opinion on the matter at hand.
Trump: Sir, maybe you can settle something for us; what do YOU think of how I performed as president of the United States?
Random Guy: Monumental
Trump: Thank you sir, you've been very helpful!
(To the Critic) See?! What did I tell you?
Critic: uhhhhh...that guy was Jamaican.
An elementary school teacher was handing out samples of deer jerky to anyone who wanted to try it.
It was part of the lesson about pioneer days and she hadn't yet told them what kind of meat it was.
She was giving clues to help the students. "I'm sure all of you have seen one as there are a lot of them around here". No response.
"The males often clash to prove who is toughest". Still no response.
Finally she says "You have probably heard your mother call your father this."
Suddenly one of the students hacks and then yells "Spit it out! Spit it out! It's an a**...!"
Mr. Flatery walks into a pub
Mr. Flatery walks into a pub, bartender looks up and says "That's quite a shiner you have there, who gave that to you?" "Mr. Falstaf gave it to me" he replied. "That's quite a bute, did he have anything in his hand when he gave that to you?" Asked the barkeep"Aye, he had a shovel in his hand, he did" replied Mr. Flatery. "And what did you have in your hand?" asked the barkeep. "Mrs. Falstaf's t**..." replied Mr Flatery, "A beautiful thing it is, but not much help in a fight
Little Timmy goes to a farm with his school
The farmer there was talking about how manure helps the plants by nourishing the soil. Timmy immediately asks the teacher to call his mother. When the teacher asked why, He said
"I heard mom saying she got a lot of s**... on her hands right now".
A couple goes to therapy
A couple goes to therapy to discuss their issues.
The therapist asks. So, why are we here today?
The husband quickly try to explain.
So what happened was, that I was cleaning up in the kitchen, while putting something away I spilled a bunch of dried herbs all over the place. My wife then yells for help with folding the sheets in the bedroom and I simply replied.
"I can't right now, I have too much thyme on my hands"
A nun comes over to a grocery store and yelps at the cashier: "A bottle of r**...".
The cashier obliged, but he couldn't help but ask: "I thought nuns don't drink". "Well, mother sometimes has constipation and a little bit of r**... helps her with that", the nun replied. The cashier nods and a few hours later in the evening, he closes the store and leaves home. On the way, he noticed the same nun, totally drunk, with an empty bottle of r**... in her hand. "I thought you said it was for the mother", the cashiet scolded her. "Well yea exactly, she'll s**... herself once she sees me!"
I'm happy being single but...
sometimes I'll be walking down the street and see a happy couple coming towards me, holding hands and wearing matching outfits. And I just can't help but think to myself, *Wouldn't it be nice to have someone to hate them with?*
-Tom Allen
A guy walked up to me and asks if I want to help save the earth
"So a guy walks up to me and asks if I want to help save the earth, I say yes. He hands me a pamphlet and tells me to have a nice day."
"So what did you do after you got home?" My friend asks
"I recycled it obviously,"
This got me
A preacher says to his congregation Next week I will talk about the sin of lying. To help you understand, I'd like all of you to read Mark 17.
The next Sunday, the preacher asks who'd read it, with every hand going up. He smiles and says Mark only has 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.
Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.
The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.
The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
We were changing shifts at the fish sticks factory at the grinder station....
I was at the end of my shift, spattered with oily fish gore, and had my hand in the corkscrew feeder trying to pull a stick bit of bone out. My coworker, in his fresh beginning of shift uniform, reached in to help and his dry cotton sleeve caught and he was pulled in to a gruesome death. As I stood there watching in horror I thought to myself...
There but for the grease of Cod go I…
Lying
A minister told his congregation, Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17. The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his s**....
John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his s**... and cut off John's ear.
"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on."
After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John.
"That's not it," said John, throwing the ear back in the muddy ditch. "Mine had a pencil behind it."
A man went to the doctor's office for a complete physical.
After all the tests where everything is excellent,he leaves the office and just outside the front door has a massive coronary and dies instantly. The nurse comes to get the doctor and asks him what to do. He comes outside takes a quick exam and says to the nurse Give me a hand and help me turn him around so it looks like he was coming in.
A fisherman is looking for an extra set of hands on his boat ...
He goes into town to try and hire some help. He meets a man and asks him if he'd be interested in a job on his boat. The man replies "I'd definitely be interested, what does it pay?" The fisherman replies "I don't have a lot of cash, but I can pay you one fish per day." The man immediately responds "I'm in, let's get going right away." Stunned, the fisherman says "Wow, you sure are eager." The man replies, "well you know what they say, Carp per diem!"