Helpful Jokes

56 helpful jokes and hilarious helpful puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about helpful that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Helpful Short Jokes

Short helpful jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The helpful humour may include short helping jokes also.

  1. I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me Do you need help? I said, Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead.
  2. When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
  3. I asked my wife, I'm stuck on this crossword clue Overworked postman — can you help? She said, Sure. How many letters?
    Me: I'm guessing—- Too many.
  4. I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die". I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.
  5. Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.
  6. I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore... They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.
  7. Librarian: Can I help you? Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-
    Librarian: Being psychic?
    Dave: No...
    Librarian: One day that will work.
  8. My dad is obsessed with The Beatles and is missing just one of their songs from his record collection. He needs Help.
  9. Where would you park your camel? The Camelot.
    PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment
  10. I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ''I could marry you!'', I couldn't believe it You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return

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Helpful One Liners

Which helpful one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with helpful? I can suggest the ones about helps and supportive.

  1. I volunteered to help blind children today! That's a verb not an adjective btw.
  2. I help blind kids Verb, not adjective
  3. I was thinking the other day ... So I shouted, "Thomeone help! I can't thwim!"
  4. I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues. Everyone kept telling me You're the bomb.
  5. In my spare time I help blind children. I mean the verb, not the adjective.
  6. Chuck Norris called 911 And asked if they needed help.
  7. "Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?" "Yes, David, how can we help you?"
  8. After work, I volunteer to help blind children By the way: Verb, not adjective
  9. Help! My husband's too controlling!
  10. I like to help blind children. The verb, not the adjective.
  11. Why does leather armour help the wearer be stealthy? Because it's made of hide.
  12. Assist is 50% the letter "S"... The rest are just there to help.
  13. Shout out to those who don't know the opposite of in. They need the help.
  14. "Hey, can you help me sharpen these throwing stars?" "Shuriken"
  15. Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I am forever in your debt.

As Helpful As Jokes

Here is a list of funny as helpful as jokes and even better as helpful as puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My ADD always beats me when I'm trying to do my homework. The dyslexia doesn't help either.
  • Is this the right sub? Need help repairing my fence. It seems everyone knows how to repost here.
  • What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck? I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.
  • what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon? I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.
  • I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line... Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.
    They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
  • I did an family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
  • I walked into the liquor store and a guy working there asked me, Do you need help? I said, Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead.
  • As a woman it's annoying when men think they are better drivers When I'm trying to park I don't need you to offer help every 20 minutes
  • Saw my ex... On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.
  • I was walking down the street with my wife.. And i saw my mother in law being beaten up by six men, when my wife asked "Aren't you going to help?" I said "No, six should be enough."
    From Les Dawson.
Helpful joke, I was walking down the street with my wife..

Playful Helpful Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group

What funny jokes about helpful you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean handy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make helpful pranks.

Yesterday my wife got stung by a bee while golfing

I asked where, and she informed me it was between the first and second holes. Being the helpful type, I advised her that her stance was too wide.

Helpful Daughter

Little Susie, a six year old , complained:"Mother, I've got a stomach ache."
"That's because our stomach is empty", the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."
That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.
Susie perked up: " That's because it's empty", she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

Trump, walking and arguing with a critic, stops a random person in the street to ask their opinion on the matter at hand.

Trump: Sir, maybe you can settle something for us; what do YOU think of how I performed as president of the United States?
Random Guy: Monumental
Trump: Thank you sir, you've been very helpful!
(To the Critic) See?! What did I tell you?
Critic: uhhhhh...that guy was Jamaican.

My history teacher told us that if a nuclear bomb was closely approaching, being flexible would be very helpful.

It's so that you can bend your body and kiss your a**... goodbye.

Always helpful...

Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

So the other day I was standing in a line for an ATM...

There was an old lady there who looked like she had absolutely no clue what she was doing, after a bit of fumbling with the keys, she turned to me and said, "You look like a helpful young lad, Could you help me check my balance."
So I pushed her over.

I was standing outside the gym...

And there was a billboard that said: "OPEN 24/7!"
"That's not very helpful," I told myself. "July is ages away."

helpful dog

A man and his son come across two dogs h**.... The son says, "Dad, what are those dogs doing?"
His father replies, "Well, the dog on top must have hurt his two front paws, and that dog on the bottom is helping him home."
The son says, "It just figures -- you try to help someone out, and they screw you."

A black person is walking down the road...

When all of a sudden he peels over with a massive throbbing pain in his heart. He grabs his chest and screams in pain. A man sees this and runs to his aid.
"Sir, listen to me, you are going into cardiac arrest." the helpful citizen says.
"But I didn't even do nothing!"

Helpful friend

Two retired elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear.
He said "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
"I have? A suppository?"
He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

A wife asked her husband, "How would you describe me?"

The husband replied, "ABCDEFGHIJK."
The wife asked, "So, what does that mean?"
The husband said, "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, funny, graceful, helpful, intelligent."
The wife asked, "What about JK?"
The husband replied, "Just Kidding."

My 20/15 eyesight is really helpful during tough economic times...

because a lot of jobs require minimum supervision.

A young lady is at a home decoration store, and picks out a large mirror with a brass hanger.

The helpful store clerk says, "M'am, you wanna screw for that mirror hanger?"
The girl replies, "No, but I'll blow you for that matching brass end table."

What do you call it when a lemon is being helpful?

Lemon aid.

When struggling between which grey/gray to use…

Just remember this helpful tip:
Europe=grEy, America=grAy.... and for the Canadians, grEHy

A general is being driven in a jeep through the desert on the way to a training exercise.

Out in the middle of nowhere, the jeep breaks down. The female jeep driver jumps out, opens the hood and starts working on the engine. The general, wanting to be helpful, finds a toolbox in the back and opens it. "Do you want a screwdriver?" he asks.
"Might as well, it's going to be a while before anyone shows up," she says!

I met a lovely, helpful person the other day

They were always asking about me, wanting to get to know me better. They seemed genuinely helpful and were there when i needed them most. They dedicated their time to me and didn't even ask for anything in return. I decided to take the plunge and kiss them!
Anyway, i need a new public defender.

I called a s**... hotline in Japan.

They were really helpful. It was quick and painless.

My summer job

So last year I had a job m**... on webcams for money. My stage name was The Helpful Tool because I always came in handy.

I thought I was being helpful, opening the door for a woman.

She just screamed and fell out of the plane.

Went shopping at Macy's the other day

Salesman was very helpful. He carefully measured my inseam several times
I told him it wasn't necessary but he insisted
I almost just left but bought the toaster anyway

What's the most helpful potato?

A facili-tater

If you get helpful tips from a man called Herb...

Is it sage advice?

All the King's Horses, and all the King's Men, couldn't put Humpty together again.

But really, the horses weren't being all that helpful.

I don't think the new AI is all that great.

I asked ChatGPT to do my taxes in the style of Ernest Hemingway.
And it replied, "For Free: Four Quarterly Tax Payment Vouchers, never used."
That is really not helpful, at all.

What do you call a helpful lemon?


What's really helpful until pluralized?


I won a scentific reward today!

I actually made a helpful contribution to humanity! the scientific community has rewarded my work!
I can't wait to display this new "darwin award" I got!

What is the most helpful beverage?


A bus breaks down and the driver pops the hood to investigate

A blonde passenger who is a certified mechanic comes out with her toolbox, eager to help and show off her training and also give blondes a good reputation for a change. She leans behind the bus driver and sees a loose bolt, so, helpful, she asks: "Fancy a screw driver?"

What do you call a helpful potato?

A Facilitater

Helpful joke, What do you call a helpful potato?

jokes about helpful