Helped Jokes
101 helped jokes and hilarious helped puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about helped that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Helped Short Jokes
Short helped jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The helped humour may include short helps jokes also.
- I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me Do you need help? I said, Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead.
- When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
- I asked my wife, I'm stuck on this crossword clue Overworked postman — can you help? She said, Sure. How many letters?
Me: I'm guessing—- Too many. - I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die". I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.
- Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.
- I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore... They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.
- Librarian: Can I help you? Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Dave: No...
Librarian: One day that will work. - My dad is obsessed with The Beatles and is missing just one of their songs from his record collection. He needs Help.
- Where would you park your camel? The Camelot.
PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment - I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ''I could marry you!'', I couldn't believe it You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return
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Helped One Liners
Which helped one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with helped? I can suggest the ones about help wanted and helping hand.
- I volunteered to help blind children today! That's a verb not an adjective btw.
- I help blind kids Verb, not adjective
- I was thinking the other day ... So I shouted, "Thomeone help! I can't thwim!"
- I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues. Everyone kept telling me You're the bomb.
- In my spare time I help blind children. I mean the verb, not the adjective.
- Chuck Norris called 911 And asked if they needed help.
- "Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?" "Yes, David, how can we help you?"
- After work, I volunteer to help blind children By the way: Verb, not adjective
- Help! My husband's too controlling!
- I like to help blind children. The verb, not the adjective.
- Why does leather armour help the wearer be stealthy? Because it's made of hide.
- Assist is 50% the letter "S"... The rest are just there to help.
- Shout out to those who don't know the opposite of in. They need the help.
- "Hey, can you help me sharpen these throwing stars?" "Shuriken"
- Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I am forever in your debt.
Helped Develop Jokes
Here is a list of funny helped develop jokes and even better helped develop puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Personally I think removal of net neutrality will be great. It will offer our businesses new opportunities for development which will help the economy in the long run
- Help! My brother has developed an addiction to drinking brake fluid. Our family is worried but he says it's okay because he can stop whenever he wants.
- A woman brings her son to the doctor Woman: Doctor help! My son is falling behind other children. What can I do to speed up his development?
Doctor: Have you tried lowering his graphics? - To help me get over my recently developed elevator phobia my friend invited me to an Open Mike night. Worst autopsy ever!
Helped Inspire Jokes
Here is a list of funny helped inspire jokes and even better helped inspire puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Today I helped a little old lady with a walker across a busy street And some of the other car drivers were so inspired they joined me in honking at her.
- My neighbour was about to lose his house. So i decided to organise a neighbourhood wide charity o**... to help him.
It was truly awe inspiring to see the whole neighbourhood come together like that.
Charming Humor Helped Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about helped you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean assistance jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make helped pranks.
I wanted to volunteer and do something good this holiday season...
So I helped these dyslexic kids write letters to Satan.
The guys go to the f**... of their life-long pal...
After a long eulogy and some beautiful music, the guys are overcome with emotion. The first guy walks up to the casket of his buddy.
"I know it's just a small token, but for everything you've ever done for me, buddy, all the times you helped me out. This is the least I could do."
He tucks a $50 bill into his buddy's tuxedo pocket, and he staggers away sobbing.
The second man, inspired by the gesture, walks up and places his own $50 bill in his buddy's pocket. "For all the beers you bought me, that I never had a chance to pay you back for." And he staggers away sobbing.
The third man, a lawyer, not to be out-done, says, "I know it's just a small gesture, but for all the times you've been there for me when I needed you, here's a token of my gratitude."
And he writes a check for $150, and takes the two fifties in change.
I couldn't decide how much lettuce to buy
Until someone helped me think it through. Turns out, two heads are better than one.
Three guys go to Heaven.
At the pearly gates, St Peter asks the first one:
"What did you do on Earth, son?"
I was a lawyer for public interest, i helped people keep their jobs"
"Come in, son!"
"And you?" to the second guy.
"I was a doctor, i helped people be healthy"
"Please come in, son"
Third guy answers: "I was a musician"
St Peter: "Oh, there's a door in the back"
My Grandfather's Favorite Joke [word play]
A male prisoner promised a female guard that he would marry her if she helped him escape. This is an example of someone using a proposition to end a sentence with.
I saw my ex getting jumped by six guys at a party last night, so I helped out
She didn't stand a chance against seven of us!
Capitalisation
It is the difference between "I helped my uncle j**... a horse," and "I helped my uncle j**... a horse."
An US tourist visiting the USSR fell down the open manhole...
After he was helped out, he started complaining: why on earth such as danger was not marked properly? In the USA there would be red lanterns or at least some red flags. "How did you arrive in Moscow?" asked one of the Russians who helped him out. "Well, via Sheremetyevo airport". "Haven't you noticed the huge red flag on its main building?"
If your Uncle Jack helped you off an elephant, would you help your uncle j**... an elephant?
Mariska Hargitay
I heard that Bruno Mars helped design the Apple Watch
Dont believe me? Just watch
U.S male active duty and veterans...on this special day, make sure to call up all your old flames, current lovers. Wives and girlfriends as well as any others who helped you out during long deployments and say.....
"Thank you for your c**...!"
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends.
When prom came, seven was alone and bitter. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. Then six came in with his +1. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. Six was alone again.
While walking to class, six saw seven with six's former +1 and averted his eyes. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even".
Just helped a girl give birth...
OP delivered.
A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
Why did Vader (Anakin) finally rebelled against the Emperor?
In Episode 3, he helped carry out Order 66 to kill all Jedi.
In Episode 4, he helped carry out Order 67 to destroy Alderaan.
In Episode 5, he helped carry out Order 68 to destroy rebel base on Hoth.
In Episode 6.... the Emperor was just too old and n**... for Vader to carry out Order 69.
Just got the iPhone 7.
It helped me lose weight! I now have no money to eat for 2 months
I misplaced something at the office. A nice man in a turban helped me locate it. I guess it's true what they say.
Sikh and you shall find.
(
A doctor helped me lose 20 kg in a few hours but it was really expensive
Cost me an arm and a leg.
Millionaire Interview
Interviewer : Sir, who helped you on becoming a Millionaire?
Millionaire : My wife........ I was a billionaire before.
An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:
"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."
His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found.
The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."
A woman was telling her friend , "I helped my husband become a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?"
"A billionaire."
I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out.
He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.
I told the girl I fancy next door I helped kill a man
I was told women love accessories.
gambling has really helped me get back on my feet
Because I lost my car in poker last night.
A baby helped me out the other day...
I asked him, "How do I find other songs by the singer of 'Bad Romance'?"
He replied: "Google Gaga"
I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement
He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
Louis c**... helped me change a flat tire.
All I had to do was watch him jack it.
I was in Walmart yesterday and this elderly lady was in front of me & her total came up to $300 but her card was declined..
So y'all already know what I did. God gonna bless me one day. It was a lot of groceries but I helped her put it all back
It makes more sense now why Kevin Spacey helped Baby in Baby Driver
He saw a little bit of himself in Baby, figuratively and literally.
My good deed for the day
In the line at Walmart there was a little old lady in front of me, $73 of shopping but her card was declined!
I was feeling generous especially at this time of year and you've got to help out so I helped her put it all back.
I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle j**... a horse" and "i helped my uncle j**... a horse".
Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.
Say what you will about Ajit Pai, but he helped me with one thing...
Understanding the phrase "lying through your teeth".
My good deed for the day.
This morning at the Tesco check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone's Nan and I'd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out in that situation. She didn't want me to help her but I insisted and in no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves...
g**... skates.
The ice was thin.
Then it broke and she fell right in.
The boy on the bank heard her shout.
He jumped right in and helped her out.
Now they're married.
Very nice.
All she had to do
was break the ice.
If I had a dollar for every time Algebra has actually helped me
I'd have x dollars.
Thank you banks
Thank you banks for the student loans, car loans and mortgages, which helped me survive my life.
I don't know if I can ever repay you.
My computer was really laggy until someone helped me update my software
Turns out it was the bus driver
My grandfather survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings
Being in Canada helped.
Ever since my wife has been seeing a therapist, we're having s**... much more often.
My wife says it's because the therapist has helped her appreciate the little things in life.
I want to recommend a book that helped me through my life.
My fathers cheque book is very useful.
Miraculously, Martha survived a fall from a window of a 45-story building.
She sprained her foot, but otherwise she was okay. It helped that the particular window she fell from was on the first floor.
I saw an old man getting jumped by 3 people
So I came over and helped. No way he could stand a chance with all 4 of us.
If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.
He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.
My girlfriend asked me to write down the name of every girl I've ever slept with.
I don't think it helped when I wrote 'prologue'.
At an Irish wedding
The MC told all the married men to stand with the person that helped them the most through tough times.
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
The Russian winter...
...helped the Russian people defeat h**... during WW2 and Napoleon before him. This year it invaded the USA on its own.
I helped my friend hang a chandelier in his mansion this morning
It was the high light of my day
Huge shoutout to everyone who helped me learn the definition of 'many'.
It means a lot!
A Canadian visits a small church while on holiday in Scotland.
The Canadian is intrigued by the intricately carved pulpit and, being something of a history buff, would like to know more about it so approaches the little old vicar.
"Excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to tell me what the pulpit is made of?"
"Aye. Wood."
"You would?"
"Nay yew, is oak."
"Oak? Eh?"
"Glad to have helped."
I helped my neighbours install clappers
There must be something wrong with them because they were flickering on and off all night
This joke is translated from georgian.
A teacher is having a lesson about good deeds.
She teaches the kids to help people cross the road and such.
The next day a group of kids go over to the teacher and one of them says:
Hey teacher, Me, Zach, Andy, George, Tom, John and Luke helped a lady to cross the street.
The teacher asked:
Why so many of you?
The kids answer:
She wasnt crossing.
My dad helped me fix my computer today
He told me the error code was One D Ten T . I didn't understand what he meant until he told me to write it out.
Still don't get it tho.
"Doctor I haven't f**... in 5 years."
A woman goes to the doctor and she reluctantly tells him, "Doctor I haven't f**... in 5 years."
The doctor looks puzzled for a moment and he writes her a prescription. "Pick this up at your local pharmacy, and come back in a week."
A week later she comes back and says, "Doc I don't think those pills helped at all, and worse now everything stinks to high heavens!"
"Good!" he says. "We've unplugged your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing."
I was seriously depressed after a recent loss. My GF bought me an Xbox
But that didn't help. So she tried a Playstation - no luck there either. She ended up going through everything from a Sega Master System to a Nintendo Switch, but nothing helped - turns out I was just inconsolable
My cousin decided to try parkour, so he jumped off a single floor hotel. Anyway, to make a long story short
would've helped. f**...'s Thursday.
I helped my 4yo workshop this one, and now he won't stop repeating it...
What do you call an old fruit?
A pome**gran**
Told my Grandpa's favorite joke at his f**... and it helped cheer some sad eyes..... What happened when the parsley workers went on strike?
They're wages were garnished.
With our love life no longer feeling passionate, I asked my wife to go camping
It helped. The s**... was in tents.
A 10 year old girl opens a lemonade stand and sells at such low prices her competition can't keep up, and is forced to close down.
Maybe it would have helped if there were a punch line..
I was on a date with this girl I found on tinder
I reached the cafe early. She came a little later. Like a gentleman, I helped her sit by pulling her stool. When she seemed comfortable I asked, "Can I push your stool in ?"
She : "Let's see how this date goes first"
Cain, son of Adam, had a s**... load of responsibilities.
Aside from being a farmer Cain was supposed to m**... his brother and do a whole slew of other s**... so that future generations could learn from his mistakes. The lord felt pity for Cain's workload and assigned another human to shoulder some of the load. He called him co-cain. Co-cain helped him get s**... done.
Just helped a cop sweep up some broken glass.
That was my first brush with the law.
I was bored so I made a robot to distribute herbs
It helped pass the thyme
My dad was addicted to sandpaper
He always said it helped take the edge off
Chivalry really is dead…
The other day, I helped a young lady out the door and, instead of thanking me, she yelled at me on her way out.
I don't know what surprised me more: Her reaction or the fact that airplane doors could actually open mid flight
This girl at work asked me how she could find out if she was ticklish or not…
I helped her out by giving her two test tickles.
I helped my friend hide a dead body.
He said "Thanks."
I said "Don't mention it."
Kids these days...
It was a very rainy day and the new kindergarten teacher was helping her children wear their galoshes. It was a tiresome job involving much pushing and shoving.
Finally it was young Barry's turn. The teacher pushed and pushed and finally helped him into his galoshes.
"You know," said Barry, "These aren't my galoshes."
The poor teacher groaned and struggled to pull his galoshes off. When she finally did, she said, "Alright Barry, now whose galoshes are these?"
"They're my brother's, but mum said I could wear them anyway."
The Age Factor
(Taken from Reader's Digest Year:1998)
Even though she's been teaching English for 25 years, my mother never felt her age was an issue, until the day she helped a student with a report on the Vietnam War. Mom recognised the name of a war correspondent mentioned in the textbook and blurted, "I used to date him!"
Peering up from his work, another wide-eyed student asked, "You dated someone from our history book?"
Before moving to England I spent some time in Poland...
It definitely helped me polish my English.
My grandpa survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings.
Being in Australia helped.
I helped two Vietnamese brothers settle a dispute
It really was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation
If my uncle Jack helped you off a horse,
Would you help *my* uncle j**... a horse?
A traditional Thanksgiving joke
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How did Thanksgiving go at your place?" the bartender asks. "Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking," the guy says. "So I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors."
If your uncle Jack helped you off a horse….
In return, would you help your uncle j**... a horse?
I helped my Community Theater put on a play about a Bakery. I wouldn't say I was the star...
But I did play a roll
