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Help Us Jokes

104 help us jokes and hilarious help us puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about help us that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Help Us Short Jokes

Short help us jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The help us humour may include short helps jokes also.

  1. Saw my ex... On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.
  2. I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out. He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.
  3. I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny. It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.
  4. Professor X asks: What's your superpower? Mutant: Hindsight.
    Professor X: That's not going to help us at all!
    Mutant: Yes, I see that now...
  5. I saw two men beating a kid up, so naturally I ran over to help... There's no way the kid could take on all three of us
  6. Saw my ex-gf being beaten up by 4 guys, so as a human being I had to step in and help.. She didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us
  7. Professor X: What's your super power? Mutant: Hindsight
    Professor X: That's not going to help us at all
    Mutant: Yes, I see that now
  8. I saw a man getting mugged by 2 dudes so I stepped in to help he didn't stand a chance against the 3 of us
  9. I saw a guy getting jumped by 4 people so I decided to step in and help... That guy stood no chance against the 5 of us.
  10. Earlier today I saw 4 guys beating this kid up in an alleyway, so I decided to help. He had no chance against the 5 of us.

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Help Us One Liners

Which help us one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with help us? I can suggest the ones about help wanted and assistance.

  1. What did the group of monkeys say to the gym instructor? Help us buffoons.
  2. [AMA Request] TheLegend27 Please help us contact the best Game of War player
  3. Light is useful It helps us 'c' things.
  4. What is a great resource to help us get about in the world? Pun Petrol
  5. Did you hear about the child soldier who was helped and moved to the US?
  6. A man has been blowing up mental hospitals. Please help us catch the Looney bomber!
  7. Say what you want about tramps. At least they're helping us solve the housing crisis.
  8. If future me us reading this some how, please reply ASAP Need help with my life
  9. Let's take a moment to thank earphones For helping us ignore s**... people all around us.

Help Us joke, Let's take a moment to thank earphones

Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Help Us Jokes with Friends.

What funny jokes about help us you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pleas jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make help us pranks.

The houseman invited over his boss and partners, for lunch.


With them, his little 5year-old daughter was there.
"Don’t you want to say the prayers before lunch, so Our Holly Father give us his blessings?," asks the father.
"But... I don’t know what to say...," the little girl admits.
"Just say what you heard your mommy say last time inside the kitchen!," said her mother to help her.
And the girl: "Oh, God! Why in this life, my husband must invite all these people for lunch?"

A teenager went to United Nations for help...

The UN judge asks, "Want are you afraid of?"
He replies,"My face is so oily, I'm afraid the US would invade me."

Help! I need a push!

A man and his wife were awoken at 3am by a pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you!" asks the husband
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

IRS

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

God Loves Drunks Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

Me and a friend..

Walk into a pet store and the employee asks "Anything that I can help you find?" and then proceeded to kick us out. apparently dinner wasn't the right answer.

A man looking for work

A man was looking for work. In fact, he was desperate. He heard the circus was in town and so he went and asked the ring master if there was a job for him. The ring master said, "We're lucky you showed up! Our tiger just died and he was a big part of the show. What we need you to do is put on this tiger costume and pretend to be a real tiger. Nobody will know the difference." So the man put on the tiger costume, and he had to admit, it was a very realistic costume. Soon the show started, and the time came for the tiger act. The man, eager to do a good job, lept out into the ring, snarling just like a real tiger. The crowd cheered. He did all the things the tiger was supposed to do: let the trainer stick his head in his mouth, balanced on a ball, and finally walked across a tightrope. The crowd loved it. But then a lion and a bear entered the ring. The ring master announced, "Now you will see these three ferocious beasts enter one cage together!" The man had no choice as he was herded into the cage with the lion and the bear. The two animals roared and snarled, and the man became afraid for his life. He began running around the cage, shouting, "Let me out! I'm not a real tiger! Help!" Then the lion grabbed him and said, "Shut up! Do you want us all to lose our jobs?"

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

A caring son

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!! " the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up. "
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to. "
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it. "
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset. "
"Don't be foolish! " the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he? "
"Under the wagon. "

Mathematician joke.

A chemist and a physicist are lost in an unknown area. They see someone and decide to ask for help. "Excuse me, but can you tell us where we are?", asks the chemist. "Sure, you are here", replied the man and leaves. "That man is a mathematician", the chemist tells the physicist, "how do you know?", "What he told us is true and makes sense, but it is useless."

So I saw these two guys fighting with a woman over her purse.

Being my first time in downtown New York, I didn't know if I should help out or intervene. Reluctantly I decided to lend a hand. Between the three of us, it didn't take us long to get the purse away from her.
~Garrison Keillor

I saw my ex getting jumped by six guys at a party last night, so I helped out

She didn't stand a chance against seven of us!

It's my coworkers last day...

A coworker is leaving this weekend to become a firefighter. We're throwing him a farewell party and want to have a funny pun written on the wall. Something like "seeing you leave really blows" but instead have it somehow relate to becoming a firefighter.
I know you guys can help us out. Thanks!

Saw my ex today getting beaten by 5 guys so I went there to help

She couldn't stand against the six of us

An US tourist visiting the USSR fell down the open manhole...

After he was helped out, he started complaining: why on earth such as danger was not marked properly? In the USA there would be red lanterns or at least some red flags. "How did you arrive in Moscow?" asked one of the Russians who helped him out. "Well, via Sheremetyevo airport". "Haven't you noticed the huge red flag on its main building?"

I was walking down the High Street with my wife...

... and upon reaching a corner, we saw six men beating up someone. I was going to turn and lead my wife away from the crime happening before us, but suddenly she exlaimed
"Oh my god it's mom! Quick quick! Go and help!"
I turned to her and said
"Nah. I think 6's enough."

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two.

Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian f**...-hating spider :(

A Monkey passes away at a zoo, and they have no other Monkey's in the zoo

A desperate man is hired to dress in a Monkey Suit, after a few days he somehow falls into the lion pit. Suddenly he is yelling for help, the Lion approaches him and says, "Shut up or you're gonna get us both fired!"

A drunk guy calls a radio station...

...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"

"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."

A monkey at a zoo passes away, and no monkeys are left to replace it

A desperate man is hired to dress in a Monkey Suit, he is pretending to be a monkey, and after a few days he somehow falls into the lion pit. Suddenly he is yelling and screaming for help, the Lion approaches him and the man prepares for the end. The lion opens its mouth and says, "Shut up or you're gonna get us both fired!"

A friend of mine hosted a party to help him get over his girl friend dumping him.

Three of us showed up. I brought a deck of cards,and suggested we play a game.
He refused, saying we needed to wait for atleast one more person to show up.
No wonder his girlfriend dumped him. He hated four play.

Help us choose a new name for our nonprofit. We're teenagers in China and Japan helping senior citizens.

Apparently 'Youth in Asia for the Elderly' isn't having the effect we thought it would.

The GOP gets kidnapped

The kidnappers demand the ransom of 500M USD or they will douse them in gas and light them on fire.
So there were people in the streets collecting donations, and they asked me at an intersection
"You must have heard the news recently. Could you spare a little to help us out in this initiative?"
"How much is everyone giving on average?"
"About a gallon, give or take"

Army Wargames

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir, "said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The officer turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
They helped.

Not sure if this is the right place to post, but after the US election results from last night, I need help creating a new dating website. It will help desperate American men and women find love in Canada.

It'll be called ehHarmony

[Politics] i**... immigrants are lucky

The government is helping them escape the US
...and into mexico, where a booming ladder industry is providing plenty of jobs

I saw a kid getting bullied by 4 people, so I decided to help out.

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

Donald Trump had a record amount of religious leaders participate in his inaugural ceremony including: a priest, a deacon, and....

one hundred million people saying "god help us"

I was walking down the road when I saw 4 guys beating one other guy, so by natural instinct I decided to help

Haha, he couldn't stand a chance against all 5 of us.

I saw four gangsters beating up on a kid

I decided to help. He didn't stand a chance against five of us.

I saw four guys beat beat up a little kid today, so I decided to help.

He had no chance against all five of us.

Today I saw a man who was being savagely beaten by a group of four guys, so I decided to help

He really was no match for the five of us...

I saw this dude getting jumped by 3 other guys today. I decided to help.

He was no match for all 4 of us

True story: when I was a kid I used to mix up lyrics. For example, after watching Mary Poppins, I sang "a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down." -My dad thought is was SO funny I mixed that line up.

Little did either of us know, I was predicting my future diabetes problems.

I saw 4 guys beating up a kid, because he was gay so I went there to help.

He really had no chance against the 5 of us.

I was playing an online game when I saw 4 players teaming against a newbie so I came to help

He didn't stand a chance against 5 of us

Once I saw 3 guys beating up o**... on his own so I ran over and helped out...

that dude didn't stand a chance against the 4 of us

My parents and I came to the US from Germany when I was a little girl.

They didn't speak much English, but were experienced educators back home. One winter, they decided to open a tutoring/ study session program to help students stay productive and focus over the break. It wasn't until after a flood of angry phone calls and visitors that we realized that "Concentration Camp" was not an ideal program name.

Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season!

If you want to drive safely we can help.
Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages
Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely

I saw a man getting beat up by 3 other men, so I decided to help.

He didn't stand a chance against the 4 of us.

I once saw 4 bullies fighting an 8 year old so I decided to help out...

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

Joke my physics teacher told us

A farmer has a bunch of chickens who aren't laying eggs. Puzzled, he enlists the help of a physicist to try and work out the problem. The physicist went away and did his calculations, then came back a week later.
'I have a solution to your problem, but...' the physicist said.
'But what?' Said the farmer.
'It only works for circular chickens in a vacuum.'

A young boy was getting ready for a geography test he was going to take at school.

As he studied, he decided to ask his mother for help:
"Mom, will you help me revise for my geography test?"
"Sure honey, let's see... what's the capital of Germany?'
"Berlin!"
"Good job! What about the capital of France?"
"Berlin!"
"Way to go! What's the capital of the US?"
"Berlin!"
"Good job, little Adolf!"

I saw a kid getting attacked by 3 bullies in my local park, so I helped out

He didn't have a chance against the four of us.

My friend just died in front of us...

The paramedics working on him asked us his blood type to help save him, but we didn't know it.
He kept telling us all to be positive ...but it's so hard now that he's gone.
We miss him so much.

An old die-hard communist is on his deathbed

and he asks for a priest.
He wants to accept all the sacraments and become a full pledged Christian.
The priest is happy to oblige of course, but in the end can't help to say: "So, when things finally got serious, you suddenly came to your senses, huh?"
"Nah, but since I'm going to die, it's always better to have one less of you lot than us.

Help! My son admitted to us that he identifies as a crescent. What do I do?

My wife says it's just a phase...

As a good luck charm my baseball team eats taco bell before every game.

To help us get more runs than our opponent.

When the little boys stuck in that cave in Thailand are rescued, there's definitely gonna be a movie. There's a ex US Navy Seal helping. They're gonna make the movie all about him

and have Scarlett Johansen playing one of the Thai boys.

I saw my ex about to get jumped by six dudes, so I decided to help.

She didn't stand a chance against all seven of us

I saw my ex getting jumped.

I saw my ex getting jumped by 6 dudes so I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance with all 7 of us.

I saw an old man getting jumped by 3 people

So I came over and helped. No way he could stand a chance with all 4 of us.

Canadians are always viewed as nice and polite but so help me, if they invade the US...

They'll be sorry.

Saw an old man getting beat up by 3 younger men last night, so I decided to jump in and help

Against four of us, he didn't stand a chance

Saw 4 guys jumping this old lady

I felt bad and had to jump in and help.
She put up a fight but noway 1 old lady could beat all 5 of us

Bitchfight

A man calls the police:'Help me, there are 2 women fighting over me'.
Police: 'you should be happy about that, and not calling us'.
The man: 'Yes, but the ugly one is winning'.

I was walking home when I saw two guys beating up a kid in an alley

I immediately jumped in to help.
He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.

Professor X: whats your super power?

Me: Hindsight.
Professor x: that wont help us.
Me: Yes I see that now

A man wants to know the distance to travel from the US to China

So he calls the airport
Operator: Hi how can I help you?
Man: Hi yes I want to know the distance between the US and China...I'm thinking of travelling.
Operator: Ok just a minute sir.
Man: Ok thank you.
Man: Honey, it's only 1 minute!

I saw 3 guys beating someone up today. I knew I had to step in and help.

The little s**...t didn't stand a chance against the 4 of us.

A rabbi and a priest are asking for charity outside of a church...

They are standing one next to the other as the congregation is exiting mass. They look at the Rabbi with disdain and give more money to the priest.
Until o**... sees the rabbi hasn't collected any money and decides to help him out Rabbi, why don't you try asking for charity outside of a synagogue?
The rabbi turns to the priest Moshe, this guy wants to teach us marketing

My history teacher told us that if a nuclear bomb was closely approaching, being flexible would be very helpful.

It's so that you can bend your body and kiss your a**... goodbye.

A zoo's only gorilla dies...

so the zookeeper hires an actor to wear a gorilla costume until the zoo can get another one.
In the gorilla pen the actor makes faces, beats his chest, swings around, and soon draws a huge crowd. Encouraged, he then crawls atop a beam across the lion's enclosure, taunting the animal below. But, in horror, he lost his grip, falling into the lion's cage.
Terrified, the actor shouts, Help! Help me! Too late. The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws, and whispers urgently, Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!

I saw 2 kids beating up a kid in an alleyway, so I stepped in to help.

He didn't stand a chance against 3 of us.

Day 268 at home And the dog continues looking at me like See?? This is why I chew furniture.

I've eaten 9 meals and taken 4 naps, and it's STILL today. Are you kidding me?
In case you've lost track, today is December 268...
This virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day grazing for
food. We're told "NO!" if we get too close to strangers. We get really excited about car rides.
My wife said if I don't get off the computer and help with the dishes, she'll slam my head on the keyboard. I think she's jokinoifghcxiegcrwlwefggxm
lkergx eyt3ruhcmergceg ewgucc ce;oeijf !!!

A Day Off

An man goes to see his boss..
Boss, he says, we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff.
COVID has us short-handed, the boss replies. I can't afford to give anyone a day off.
The man says, Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!

Today I saw a kid getting his a**... beat by 4 other kids, so I decided to help.

He had no chance against all 5 of us.

Young couple at doctors office

Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,
"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need to know if there is some medical problem."
Doctor sat back on his chair crossed his hands and sighed,
"You boys are nuts."

One more Russian one

2 guys are lost in the middle of siberian forest. One of them says "shoot. Maybe someone will hear us". So the guy shoots once, twice, thrice but no one came to help. His friend said shoot more and the guy replied "I can't. I'm out of arrows"

A group of dudes are walking through the park

They see a young pair b**... in the bushes. One of the dudes can't help himself but comment:
"Hey, man, leave some for us!"
"I can't, I inserted everything."

When I first came to the US. I stayed at a hotel with a rodent problem. I tried to call front desk but I didn't know how to say mouse in English.

Hello sir how can I help you?
Do you know Tom and j**...?
Yes sir.
j**... is here.

A man finds himself in a house fire that he can't control, so he calls 911 and says...

\- Help me, my house is on fire!
\- Alright, calm down and we'll see if we can help you. Have you tried to do anything to stop it on your own?
\- Yes, I've tried pouring some water on it.
\- Alright, but if that didn't help there's no point for us coming there either. We would have done the same thing

what would you say is your greatest strength

i have strong hindsight
that wont help us much
i see that now

Help Us joke,  what would you say is your greatest strength

jokes about help us