Help Us Jokes
103 help us jokes and hilarious help us puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about help us that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Help Us Short Jokes
Short help us jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The help us humour may include short helps jokes also.
- Saw my ex... On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.
- I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out. He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.
- I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny. It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.
- Professor X asks: What's your superpower? Mutant: Hindsight.
Professor X: That's not going to help us at all!
Mutant: Yes, I see that now... - I saw two men beating a kid up, so naturally I ran over to help... There's no way the kid could take on all three of us
- Saw my ex-gf being beaten up by 4 guys, so as a human being I had to step in and help.. She didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us
- I was walking down the road when I saw 4 guys beating one other guy, so by natural instinct I decided to help Haha, he couldn't stand a chance against all 5 of us.
- Me and a friend.. Walk into a pet store and the employee asks "Anything that I can help you find?" and then proceeded to kick us out. apparently dinner wasn't the right answer.
- what would you say is your greatest strength i have strong hindsight
that wont help us much
i see that now - I saw my ex getting jumped. I saw my ex getting jumped by 6 dudes so I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance with all 7 of us.
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Help Us One Liners
Which help us one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with help us? I can suggest the ones about help wanted and assistance.
- [AMA Request] TheLegend27 Please help us contact the best Game of War player
- Light is useful It helps us 'c' things.
- What is a great resource to help us get about in the world? Pun Petrol
- Did you hear about the child soldier who was helped and moved to the US?
- A man has been blowing up mental hospitals. Please help us catch the Looney bomber!
- If future me us reading this some how, please reply ASAP Need help with my life
- What did the group of monkeys say to the gym instructor? Help us buffoons.
- Let's take a moment to thank earphones For helping us ignore s**... people all around us.
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Help Us Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about help us you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean aide jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make help us pranks.
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yells the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
"Together, together!"
The houseman invited over his boss and partners, for lunch.
With them, his little 5year-old daughter was there.
"Don’t you want to say the prayers before lunch, so Our Holly Father give us his blessings?," asks the father.
"But... I don’t know what to say...," the little girl admits.
"Just say what you heard your mommy say last time inside the kitchen!," said her mother to help her.
And the girl: "Oh, God! Why in this life, my husband must invite all these people for lunch?"
Little Susan was helping her mother to set the table, cause her father invited over his company managers.
When everybody sat on the table, her mother noticed that a flatware set was missing.
"Susan, why didn’t you put flatware on Mr. Marc’s seat?"
"I thought that I didn’t have to, since dad told us that Mr. Marc, eats like a pig…"
A teenager went to United Nations for help...
The UN judge asks, "Want are you afraid of?"
He replies,"My face is so oily, I'm afraid the US would invade me."
Help! I need a push!
A man and his wife were awoken at 3am by a pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you!" asks the husband
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
IRS
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband and wife are stuck in the snow...
the husband tells his wife "The tires aren't getting any traction, t**... shirt and stick it under the right front tire". The wife obliges. The husband pushes down the accelerator and the car doesn't budge. "t**... pants and put them under the left front tire". Again the wife does this, and again it is no help. He then says "t**... bra and stick it under the right rear tire and take your underwear off and stick them under the left rear tire". The wife does this and much to her chagrin, it is no help at all. So the husband tells his wife, "We need to get out of the snow, go up to that farmhouse and ask the farmer if he can get us out". The wife exclaims "I am n**... and my clothes are ruined". The husband then says "Here take my boots and tuck them up in between your legs and the boot soles will cover your lady business". So the wife does this and awkwardly walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer comes and opens the door and there stands the wife. She looks up at the farmer and exclaims, "MY HUSBAND IS STUCK AND HE CAN'T GET OUT".
God Loves Drunks Too
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Russian President Vladimir Putin called Barack Obama with an emergency request
Mr President, we need help. Our largest c**... factory has exploded, the Russian President explained. My people now have no method of birth control! This is a true disaster!
Vladimir, said Obama, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.
We do need your help, said Putin.
Could you possibly send one million condoms to tide us over? No problem, I'm on it, said Obama.
Oh, and one more small favour, please? said Putin. Yes? said Obama.
Can you supply the condoms red in colour and at least ten inches long and four inches in diameter?
No problem, replied Obama, and with that, he hung up and called the CEO of Durex. I need a favour, you've got to make one million condoms right away and send them to Russia.
Consider it done, said the CEO of Durex.
Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, ten inches long and four inches wide.
Easily done. Anything else?
Yes, says Obama. Print 'MADE IN USA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one.
A man looking for work
A man was looking for work. In fact, he was desperate. He heard the circus was in town and so he went and asked the ring master if there was a job for him. The ring master said, "We're lucky you showed up! Our tiger just died and he was a big part of the show. What we need you to do is put on this tiger costume and pretend to be a real tiger. Nobody will know the difference." So the man put on the tiger costume, and he had to admit, it was a very realistic costume. Soon the show started, and the time came for the tiger act. The man, eager to do a good job, lept out into the ring, snarling just like a real tiger. The crowd cheered. He did all the things the tiger was supposed to do: let the trainer stick his head in his mouth, balanced on a ball, and finally walked across a tightrope. The crowd loved it. But then a lion and a bear entered the ring. The ring master announced, "Now you will see these three ferocious beasts enter one cage together!" The man had no choice as he was herded into the cage with the lion and the bear. The two animals roared and snarled, and the man became afraid for his life. He began running around the cage, shouting, "Let me out! I'm not a real tiger! Help!" Then the lion grabbed him and said, "Shut up! Do you want us all to lose our jobs?"
Please read in Steven Wright's voice...
I was driving my friend around and he told me he was hungry. Asked if I'd take him to the drive-thru. I said yes. I pull up to the place and we wait in line for about five minutes. Finally it's our turn. The lady asks how she can help us today and I tell her I need two cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a small Pepsi. She apologizes and says she can't help me.
"Why not?"
"You're at a bank."
A caring son
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!! " the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up. "
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to. "
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it. "
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset. "
"Don't be foolish! " the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he? "
"Under the wagon. "
Mathematician joke.
A chemist and a physicist are lost in an unknown area. They see someone and decide to ask for help. "Excuse me, but can you tell us where we are?", asks the chemist. "Sure, you are here", replied the man and leaves. "That man is a mathematician", the chemist tells the physicist, "how do you know?", "What he told us is true and makes sense, but it is useless."
So I saw these two guys fighting with a woman over her purse.
Being my first time in downtown New York, I didn't know if I should help out or intervene. Reluctantly I decided to lend a hand. Between the three of us, it didn't take us long to get the purse away from her.
~Garrison Keillor
It's my coworkers last day...
A coworker is leaving this weekend to become a firefighter. We're throwing him a farewell party and want to have a funny pun written on the wall. Something like "seeing you leave really blows" but instead have it somehow relate to becoming a firefighter.
I know you guys can help us out. Thanks!
Saw my ex today getting beaten by 5 guys so I went there to help
She couldn't stand against the six of us
An US tourist visiting the USSR fell down the open manhole...
After he was helped out, he started complaining: why on earth such as danger was not marked properly? In the USA there would be red lanterns or at least some red flags. "How did you arrive in Moscow?" asked one of the Russians who helped him out. "Well, via Sheremetyevo airport". "Haven't you noticed the huge red flag on its main building?"
What are some good Asian jokes you know?
I read some jokes from this sub to my Asian co-worker and she wanted me to ask if you guys have some good Asian jokes to help us get through the rest of the work day.
German coast guard
An American cruise ship was following the German coast when it got caught off course in a storm, hit some rocks in the shallow water, and started to sink.
The captain of the ship got on the radio:
"Help! Help!"
He got a reply:
"Hello, ziss is German coast guard. Do you haff a problem?"
"Help us! We're sinking! We're sinking!"
..."Vot are you sinking about?"
What freaks out both girls and programmers?
A missed period.
And heaven help us if the programmer happens to be a girl.
I was walking down the High Street with my wife...
... and upon reaching a corner, we saw six men beating up someone. I was going to turn and lead my wife away from the crime happening before us, but suddenly she exlaimed
"Oh my god it's mom! Quick quick! Go and help!"
I turned to her and said
"Nah. I think 6's enough."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two.
Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian f**...-hating spider :(
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
iphone designer seeks help from god
* *iphone7 designer*:your highness show us the path to create the most unique and powerful phone the world will ever see
* *God*:arrg,why don't you just **j**...!!!**
* designer:wow,that could really work
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Monkey passes away at a zoo, and they have no other Monkey's in the zoo
A desperate man is hired to dress in a Monkey Suit, after a few days he somehow falls into the lion pit. Suddenly he is yelling for help, the Lion approaches him and says, "Shut up or you're gonna get us both fired!"
A drunk guy calls a radio station...
...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"
"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A monkey at a zoo passes away, and no monkeys are left to replace it
A desperate man is hired to dress in a Monkey Suit, he is pretending to be a monkey, and after a few days he somehow falls into the lion pit. Suddenly he is yelling and screaming for help, the Lion approaches him and the man prepares for the end. The lion opens its mouth and says, "Shut up or you're gonna get us both fired!"
A friend of mine hosted a party to help him get over his girl friend dumping him.
Three of us showed up. I brought a deck of cards,and suggested we play a game.
He refused, saying we needed to wait for atleast one more person to show up.
No wonder his girlfriend dumped him. He hated four play.
My dentist is a buddhist...
He uses Transcendental Meditation to help us Transcend Dental Medication.
Help us choose a new name for our nonprofit. We're teenagers in China and Japan helping senior citizens.
Apparently 'Youth in Asia for the Elderly' isn't having the effect we thought it would.
My local church is looking for volunteers to help with the next stage of the restoration.
If anyone is interested in helping, give us a bell.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Army Wargames
During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir, "said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The officer turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
They helped.
Not sure if this is the right place to post, but after the US election results from last night, I need help creating a new dating website. It will help desperate American men and women find love in Canada.
It'll be called ehHarmony
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[Politics] i**... immigrants are lucky
The government is helping them escape the US
...and into mexico, where a booming ladder industry is providing plenty of jobs
Donald Trump had a record amount of religious leaders participate in his inaugural ceremony including: a priest, a deacon, and....
one hundred million people saying "god help us"
I saw four gangsters beating up on a kid
I decided to help. He didn't stand a chance against five of us.
I saw 4 kids beating up a kid...
So I helped theirs no way he stood a chance against all five of us
I saw a woman I felt like I recognized getting attacked by two guys, so I decided to help out.
After I realized who she was, my ex didn't stand a chance against the 3 of us!
Yesterday I saw 3 bullies beating up a poor kid, so I decided to help...
I knew he couldn't handle the 4 of us.
My teacher said that before we start our new book, "it's best we say the N word a couple times out loud, just get it out of our system".
I've seen this help students reading old material and I could definitely see why some English teachers do this, but I had no idea why my Calculus teacher was having us try it out.
True story: when I was a kid I used to mix up lyrics. For example, after watching Mary Poppins, I sang "a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down." -My dad thought is was SO funny I mixed that line up.
Little did either of us know, I was predicting my future diabetes problems.
Yesterday I saw 4 guys beating up a random person on the streets. I knew something had to be done, so I stepped in and helped.
He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us
I was playing an online game when I saw 4 players teaming against a newbie so I came to help
He didn't stand a chance against 5 of us
My parents and I came to the US from Germany when I was a little girl.
They didn't speak much English, but were experienced educators back home. One winter, they decided to open a tutoring/ study session program to help students stay productive and focus over the break. It wasn't until after a flood of angry phone calls and visitors that we realized that "Concentration Camp" was not an ideal program name.
Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season!
If you want to drive safely we can help.
Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages
Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely
Joke my physics teacher told us
A farmer has a bunch of chickens who aren't laying eggs. Puzzled, he enlists the help of a physicist to try and work out the problem. The physicist went away and did his calculations, then came back a week later.
'I have a solution to your problem, but...' the physicist said.
'But what?' Said the farmer.
'It only works for circular chickens in a vacuum.'
As a good luck charm my baseball team eats taco bell before every game.
To help us get more runs than our opponent.
When the little boys stuck in that cave in Thailand are rescued, there's definitely gonna be a movie. There's a ex US Navy Seal helping. They're gonna make the movie all about him
and have Scarlett Johansen playing one of the Thai boys.
I saw my ex about to get jumped by six dudes, so I decided to help.
She didn't stand a chance against all seven of us
Today I witnessed an elderly man being attacked by 2 men in the street so I summomed up some courage and decided to help.
He didn't stand a chance against the 3 of us.
Saw 4 guys jumping this old lady
I felt bad and had to jump in and help.
She put up a fight but noway 1 old lady could beat all 5 of us
Two circles were talking
One says to the other, "I'll help you get four corners and then you'll do the same for me afterwards".
Other replies "I agree, that makes us square."
Communism helped America in coldwar
Stalin to his people: We will win this war, I means US
I once saw a fight where a group of 4 people were beating up an old lady. Due to my fighting experience I didn't hestitate for a second to help.
She didn't stand a chance against the five of us.
Watches help us not waste time...
But the hand on which it's worn becomes a waist of time.
No matter what you do,Daddy will always love you❤️
Jesus helping us nail , since time immemorial
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bitchfight
A man calls the police:'Help me, there are 2 women fighting over me'.
Police: 'you should be happy about that, and not calling us'.
The man: 'Yes, but the ugly one is winning'.
I saw an old man being attacked by 3 men on the street.I went over to help..
With the 4 of us he stood absolutely no chance.
I recently started working for a charity that convinces local supermarkets to give us their expiring baked goods to donate to refugees and the local homeless. We're working in conjunction with local churches to help distribute donations. All of us are there voluntarily, after all..
It's a naan-prophet organization.
Help
Once after a heavy snowfall i was riding with a female co-worker. The roads had not yet been cleared of snow but we pushed ahead regardless, all the cars following in the same ruts. At the intersection the snowplow passed and left a pile of snow in front of us. We blew through it but it stalled the car and we were nit able to clear the intersection. My lady friend got behind the wheel and i went to push, but no luck. I told her to get out and pretend to push. No sooner than she did, no less then six dudes jumped out of their cars to help her
A man wants to know the distance to travel from the US to China
So he calls the airport
Operator: Hi how can I help you?
Man: Hi yes I want to know the distance between the US and China...I'm thinking of travelling.
Operator: Ok just a minute sir.
Man: Ok thank you.
Man: Honey, it's only 1 minute!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rabbi and a priest are asking for charity outside of a church...
They are standing one next to the other as the congregation is exiting mass. They look at the Rabbi with disdain and give more money to the priest.
Until o**... sees the rabbi hasn't collected any money and decides to help him out Rabbi, why don't you try asking for charity outside of a synagogue?
The rabbi turns to the priest Moshe, this guy wants to teach us marketing
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My history teacher told us that if a nuclear bomb was closely approaching, being flexible would be very helpful.
It's so that you can bend your body and kiss your a**... goodbye.
A zoo's only gorilla dies...
so the zookeeper hires an actor to wear a gorilla costume until the zoo can get another one.
In the gorilla pen the actor makes faces, beats his chest, swings around, and soon draws a huge crowd. Encouraged, he then crawls atop a beam across the lion's enclosure, taunting the animal below. But, in horror, he lost his grip, falling into the lion's cage.
Terrified, the actor shouts, Help! Help me! Too late. The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws, and whispers urgently, Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Day 268 at home And the dog continues looking at me like See?? This is why I chew furniture.
I've eaten 9 meals and taken 4 naps, and it's STILL today. Are you kidding me?
In case you've lost track, today is December 268...
This virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day grazing for
food. We're told "NO!" if we get too close to strangers. We get really excited about car rides.
My wife said if I don't get off the computer and help with the dishes, she'll slam my head on the keyboard. I think she's jokinoifghcxiegcrwlwefggxm
lkergx eyt3ruhcmergceg ewgucc ce;oeijf !!!
A Day Off
An man goes to see his boss..
Boss, he says, we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff.
COVID has us short-handed, the boss replies. I can't afford to give anyone a day off.
The man says, Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!
Young couple at doctors office
Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,
"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need to know if there is some medical problem."
Doctor sat back on his chair crossed his hands and sighed,
"You boys are nuts."
One more Russian one
2 guys are lost in the middle of siberian forest. One of them says "shoot. Maybe someone will hear us". So the guy shoots once, twice, thrice but no one came to help. His friend said shoot more and the guy replied "I can't. I'm out of arrows"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A group of dudes are walking through the park
They see a young pair b**... in the bushes. One of the dudes can't help himself but comment:
"Hey, man, leave some for us!"
"I can't, I inserted everything."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I first came to the US. I stayed at a hotel with a rodent problem. I tried to call front desk but I didn't know how to say mouse in English.
Hello sir how can I help you?
Do you know Tom and j**...?
Yes sir.
j**... is here.
