hell Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious hell puns

Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Man says to wife, What would you do if I won the lottery?

Wife replies, Take half and leave your sorry ass. Husband replies, Good, I won 12 dollars, here's 6 now get the hell out!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge

"This is not working I'm going to my mum's house."

So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold.

- What the hell did she mean?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A father walks in on his daughter having sex

Father: What the hell is going on in here?!

Daughter: Dad! Oh my god, I'm sorry!

Father: Hi Sorry, I'm Dad!

*the father turns to her boyfriend*

Father: Are you fucking sorry?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.

"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.

She laughed.

I laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shot the toaster.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Give a man a cheeseburger, you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to cheeseburger, I'm high as hell.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex

Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a younger looking girl
"Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing bangin' that chick. She looks like she's in highschool"
Sherlock replied, "Elementary, my dear Watson"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

North Korea has a new war game

The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter, as there's no way in hell he would risk losing 42 million followers

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An English man, Welsh man and a Indian man walk are in a maternity hospital.

The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The English man says "I know, but there's not a chance in hell I'm leaving here with a baby that could be Welsh."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Screaming Waitress

I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, Does anyone know CPR?

I shouted, Hell, I know the whole alphabet.

Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What the hell are you supposed to be, then?" the host asks.

"I'm a turtle," the man replies.

"What a pile of shite!" the host replies. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest - He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?
Priest - He too will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

10 Catholic priest all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter Acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you a pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!".

9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St Peter calls after them. "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Rihanna was asked; "why do you think Chris Brown was denied a visa in Australia?"

She replied:


"Beats the hell outta me"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Boy walks in on his parents going at it...

Father turns around, smiles, and winks.

Few minutes later, a horrible noise arises from down the hall. Father dismounts, runs down the hall, only to find the boy with Grandmother bent over the bed.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" says Father.

Boy smiles, winks, and says "not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted.

"Well, neither would Pete,"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Tifu by walking in on my roommate masturbating

He looked at me wide eyed and yelled "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MASTURBATING?!?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating."

"What the hell is 'testiculating?'" the man asks.

Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"

The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The doctor's office blocked my number after I kept calling about Pokemon.

I don't know what the hell they're taking about, but I really need someone to take a look at this bulbous sore I have.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was laying in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky when I thought to myself

Where the hell is my ceiling.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mothers."

I opened the fridge. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell is she talking about?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge

"It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mom's place."

I opened the fridge.
The light came on.
The beer was cold...
What the hell did she mean?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back...

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I'm a snail." The bloke replied. "What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?" "That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An IT guy goes to hell

When he gets there the devil begins to explain his everlasting torment. "Down here you will wade in scalding magma, always burning and unable to die. There will be noxious fumes that pour into your lungs, you will always be suffocating but always conscious. You will be whipped and flayed and never run out of flesh to sever. Your eyes will-"

"Are there printers?" The man interjects.

"....Printers? Um no, not that I know of, but-"

"Okay this place sounds fine, let's go."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I just walked in on my manager vigorously masturbating.

He told me to stop vigorously masturbating and get the hell out of his office.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?

To which the husband replies:
They had eggs.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wife: Where the hell have you been? It's 3 o'clock in the morning?

Me: I've been playing poker with some blokes.

Wife: Playing poker with some blokes? You can pack your bags and fucking leave.

Me: So can you sweetheart; this ain't our fucking house anymore!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Gosh, hell must be really awkward.

I mean there's Hitler, and all the Jews.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Husband comes home after getting fired from the pickle factory...

his wife asks, what the hell happened?! He says "I got caught sticking my dick in the pickle slicer." "Dear lord!" she declares. "Are you OK?" "Yea, I'm totally fine." he says. "Was the pickle slicer turned on?" she says, to which the husband replied "Yea, she loved it."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Drunk guys and a Taxi

Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We're here". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Slow the hell down next time, you nearly killed us!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The problem of working in IT:

If everything works fine: "What the hell are we paying you for?"
If something breaks: "What the hell are we paying you for?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do you make holy water?

You take ordinary tap water and boil the hell out of it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the most funny Hell jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Hell? Well, here are the best Hell dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Hell pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes