Hell Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

Man says to wife, What would you do if I won the lottery?

Wife replies, Take half and leave your sorry ass. Husband replies, Good, I won 12 dollars, here's 6 now get the hell out!

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge

"This is not working I'm going to my mum's house."

So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold.

- What the hell did she mean?

A father walks in on his daughter having sex

Father: What the hell is going on in here?!

Daughter: Dad! Oh my god, I'm sorry!

Father: Hi Sorry, I'm Dad!

*the father turns to her boyfriend*

Father: Are you fucking sorry?

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.

"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.

She laughed.

I laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shot the toaster.

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

Give a man a cheeseburger, you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to cheeseburger, I'm high as hell.

Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex

Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a younger looking girl
"Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing bangin' that chick. She looks like she's in highschool"
Sherlock replied, "Elementary, my dear Watson"

North Korea has a new war game

The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter, as there's no way in hell he would risk losing 42 million followers

An English man, Welsh man and a Indian man walk are in a maternity hospital.

The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The English man says "I know, but there's not a chance in hell I'm leaving here with a baby that could be Welsh."

Screaming Waitress

I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, Does anyone know CPR?

I shouted, Hell, I know the whole alphabet.

Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.

A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What the hell are you supposed to be, then?" the host asks.

"I'm a turtle," the man replies.

"What a pile of shite!" the host replies. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest - He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?
Priest - He too will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.

10 Catholic priest all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter Acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you a pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!".

9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St Peter calls after them. "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

Rihanna was asked; "why do you think Chris Brown was denied a visa in Australia?"

She replied:


"Beats the hell outta me"

Boy walks in on his parents going at it...

Father turns around, smiles, and winks.

Few minutes later, a horrible noise arises from down the hall. Father dismounts, runs down the hall, only to find the boy with Grandmother bent over the bed.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" says Father.

Boy smiles, winks, and says "not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

Cop: You were going 68 in a 55

Me: Dang, 68? Can you make that number a little higher so I can hear the judge saying it out loud?

Cop: Sure whatever

[Later in traffic court]

Judge: How the hell were you going 420 in a 55?

I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted.

"Well, neither would Pete,"

Tifu by walking in on my roommate masturbating

He looked at me wide eyed and yelled "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MASTURBATING?!?"

A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating."

"What the hell is 'testiculating?'" the man asks.

Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"

The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."

The doctor's office blocked my number after I kept calling about Pokemon.

I don't know what the hell they're taking about, but I really need someone to take a look at this bulbous sore I have.

I was laying in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky when I thought to myself

Where the hell is my ceiling.

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mothers."

I opened the fridge. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell is she talking about?

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back...

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I'm a snail." The bloke replied. "What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?" "That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".

An IT guy goes to hell

When he gets there the devil begins to explain his everlasting torment. "Down here you will wade in scalding magma, always burning and unable to die. There will be noxious fumes that pour into your lungs, you will always be suffocating but always conscious. You will be whipped and flayed and never run out of flesh to sever. Your eyes will-"

"Are there printers?" The man interjects.

"....Printers? Um no, not that I know of, but-"

"Okay this place sounds fine, let's go."

I just walked in on my manager vigorously masturbating.

He told me to stop vigorously masturbating and get the hell out of his office.

Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?

To which the husband replies:
They had eggs.

Wife: Where the hell have you been? It's 3 o'clock in the morning?

Me: I've been playing poker with some blokes.

Wife: Playing poker with some blokes? You can pack your bags and fucking leave.

Me: So can you sweetheart; this ain't our fucking house anymore!

Gosh, hell must be really awkward.

I mean there's Hitler, and all the Jews.

Husband comes home after getting fired from the pickle factory...

his wife asks, what the hell happened?! He says "I got caught sticking my dick in the pickle slicer." "Dear lord!" she declares. "Are you OK?" "Yea, I'm totally fine." he says. "Was the pickle slicer turned on?" she says, to which the husband replied "Yea, she loved it."

Drunk guys and a Taxi

Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We're here". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Slow the hell down next time, you nearly killed us!"

The problem of working in IT:

If everything works fine: "What the hell are we paying you for?"
If something breaks: "What the hell are we paying you for?"

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

How do you make holy water?

You take ordinary tap water and boil the hell out of it.

So I was at the bar last night..

and the waitress screamed..."Anyone know CPR?!"

I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"

Everyone laughed...except this *one* guy.

I'd been in a serious accident.

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.


It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.


She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say,

'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'


I managed to mumble in reply,

'Can I feel your tits, then?'

A multi-millionaire is dozing in the back of his limo

Suddenly, the car swerves off the road, bumps across a couple of rocks, works its way across a muddy field, crashes through a barn and runs over a couple of traffic signs at a crossing before ending up back on the road. "What the hell was that about?!" the millionaire shouts at his driver.

"Sir, there was a small kid on the road"

"Fuck small kids! Next time, run them over!"

"Well I tried, but he ran for it!"

Bill Clinton and the Pope die at the same time.

There's an administrative mix up in purgatory and the Pope is sent to Hell and Clinton to Heaven.

After 20 minutes the mistake is discovered and the mistake rectified. As they're heading down the escalator Clinton down, the Pope up, the pope says to Clinton "I'm really looking forward to meeting the virgin Mary".

To which Clinton replies "You're about five minutes too late"

What does a redneck and yeast have in common?

They are both "in-bread"

Downvote me to hell if you want. This is my only joke.

If Satan lost his hair...

...there would be hell toupΓ©.

Unjustice In Hell

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.'

'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred....

Almost all of them replied, "How the hell did you get in here?"

The average person has sex 89 times a year

This is going to be one hell of a week

During sex with my wife,

I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She said "What the hell are you doing?"


And I was like "Hush, I saw this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."

The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.

Two firefighters are fucking

The chief walks in on two of his firefighters having vigorous sex.

He shouts: Hey what the hell are you two doing?

One of the firefighters: Chief, you don't understand, he suffered some serious smoke inhalation.

Chief: Thats not how you treat smoke inhalation. The first step is mouth to mouth.

Firefighter: How do you think all this started?

I was in aisle A in a grocery store, when my friend came running up and told me he'd just discovered a wishing well with a portal to hell in the next aisle over

Well aisle B damned!

 

 

 

 

One night, as I was laying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself

What the hell happened to the roof?

By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden.

How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?

The other hole.

My buddy asked me the other day if whenever my wife and I were getting freaky if I ever tried having sex with her other "hole".

I replied "Hell No!",.......... She might get pregnant.

A Scotsman and his wife were walking past a swanky new restaurant. "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's absolutely incredible!" Being a kind hearted Scot he thought, "what the hell, I'll treat her!"

So they walked past it again.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell! She's got a grenade in her mouth!

I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex with my wife." He said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife." and I said "Neither did I till you shined a light on her."

A man and wife go to a dance club

and there is a guy on the dance floor giving it hell. Breakdancing, doing back flips, moon walking, the works. Wife says "See that guy ? Fifteen years ago, he asked me to marry him, but I turned him down." Husband replies, "Yeah, and it looks like he's still celebrating !"

What are the funniest hell jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Hell? Well, here are the best Hell puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Hell pick up lines to share with friends.

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