Held Jokes
138 held jokes and hilarious held puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about held that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Held Short Jokes
Short held jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The held humour may include short holder jokes also.
- How did Kanye find out that Kim was bound, gagged, and held at gunpoint? She released the video on pornhub.
(Too soon?) - I held a door for an elderly japanese man. He said "Sank you."
Why did he have to bring up Pearl Harbor like that? - JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. interview are being held tomorrow. Come early....
....beat the crowd.
- On a first date last night my date asked, 'So, what do you do?' Frowning, I held up the menu and said 'you just choose something from this book of food'
- Did you hear about that time a hitman held a writer at gunpoint and forced him to write for Amy Schumer? The hitman warned him, Don't get any funny ideas!
- Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.
- I went on a date with an Italian. We had a great conversation until we held hands, then she was speechless.
- Sad to report that the inventor of predictive text has passed away His funfair will be held next Monkey
- My friend is pretty sick and tired of PC culture I tried to console him but he didn't want his hand held
- A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money... So I drew him a map to my ex-wife's house.
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Held One Liners
Which held one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with held? I can suggest the ones about hang and halt.
- The inventor of autocorrect died The funnel will be held tomato.
- I watched a documentary on how airplanes are held together It was riveting
- The other day I held the door for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
- A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money. It was a strobbery.
- A clown held the door open for me yesterday I thought it was a nice jester.
- I like my oreos like I like my people... ...held under the surface till the bubbles stop.
- The other day a clown held a door open for me. I consider it a nice jester.
- A clown held the door open for me the other day. I thought that was a kind jester.
- My family was being held captive by a salad It wouldn't lettuce leaf
- There was a contortionist competition being held So I entered myself, and won
- Why did the family have to put-down their dog? Because he didn't want to be held.
- I held a door open for a feminist.. ..the trial is on the 14th of May.
- Yesterday I was held hostage by a mime. He performed unspeakable acts on me.
- At a renaissance fair, a Royal Entertainer held a door open for me. It was a nice jester.
- Dad Have you ever smelled mothballs? Me Yes.
Dad Who held the wings?
Comedy Held Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about held you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean guard jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make held pranks.
I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"
Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."
It was at the end of the school year,
and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "
That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)
Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied Ya, well I sew women's underpants. He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.
Ole was asked the same question, to which he replied Diesel fitter. He too was told to go to the next line to get his unemployment check.
After Sven and Ole collected their checks, they compared them outside. Ole's check was twice as much, which made Sven furious. He stormed back inside and asked to talk with a manager. He demanded to know why his check was half of what Ole's was. The manager told him, Well, you were a tailor, your friend Ole has a specialty in engine repair.
Sven's anger was boiling over. He loudly told them, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I sew the underpants and put them in a pile, Ole holds them up and says Ya, diesel fitter. What has that got to do with engines?
Why did the belt get arrested?
Because it held up a pair of pants.
I'll show myself out.
Be careful of your aim
A woman was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" So she goes, "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
A New Study Conducted on Asians (A joke I came up with,but still not sure if a repost)
A new study conducted on Asians shows that the long held to be true stereotype is partially false. In fact, only 50% of Asians have small p**....
The other 50% are women.
A f**... rerun . . .
A f**... service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another f**... for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
The Costume Party
The local pub once held a costume party. The bartender announced to the patrons that they must all come dressed up as their "love life". Sure enough, the day of the party arrives and the bartender spots some old g**... dressed as Abraham Lincoln. He says "Oi, mate. You were supposed to come dressed up as your love life!"
With a shrug and a sly grin the other man says "Oh, I have. My four scores were seven years ago."
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle...
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Oldie but a Goodie
Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and f**... procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!"
To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."
So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child.
So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her w**..... The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and thinks for a moment and says if you put a dollar in a coke machine is the coke yours or the machines?
An elderly Japanese man...
An elderly Japanese man was walking behind me as I was entering a store. Since he was older and walked with a cane, I held the door for him. As he walked pasted he said, "Sank you" with his accent. So I punched him in the face and said, "How dare you bring up Pearl Harbor like that!"
The inventor of the dissapointing punchline has died
His f**... will be held on Thursday at 2pm.
My girlfriend was surprised and happy when I handed her my wallet before she went out with her girlfriends for her birthday. The look on her face soured however when she held the gooey cash in her hands.
I think she misunderstood me when I said I recently came into some money.
I just held the door open for an Asian guy. He said, "Sank you," so I punched him in the face.
I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that.
London held a monocle convention for high class members of society...
... it was a respectable spectacle spectacle.
Did you hear the guy who invented predictive text has died?
His funfair will be held on a sundial.
Funfair*
Funfair*
For ducks sake...
I held the door
... open for a gorgeous blonde at the bar last night.
My wife said, "You've never held the door open for me."
I said, "What about that time you threatened to leave?"
If all humans held hands around the equator of Earth
A significant amount of then would probably drown.
A prisoner escaped..
And snuck inside a house nearby.
The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post.
The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her in the neck afterwards he went to the bathroom.
The man said to the woman "that guy is an escapee from the prison nearby, he's been in prison for such a long time that he's so thirsty for s**.... I can tell it from the way he kissed your neck. No matter what happens let him do whatever he wants or else he will kill us! Be strong honey, i love you!"
Then the woman replied..
"He didn't kiss me honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're cute and asked me if we have some lubricant. I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong honey, i love you!"
A man passes away...
A man passes away and his f**... is set to be held in his hometown where one of his sons lives. The other, a wealthy businessman, unfortunately can't make it to the ceremony so instead he offers to pay for the entire thing. A few months later, the businessman is looking over his finances and notices a recurring bill of $120 a month. Confused, he called up his brother and asks him if he knows anything about it.
"Oh yeah" the brother replies. "Dad always wanted to go out in style so we rented him a tuxedo"
My friend who works at the movie theater died yesterday...
f**... services are being held today at 4:25, 5:40, 7:10 and 9:45
Donald Trump is being held hostage...
Guy 1: "Donald Trump is being held hostage by terrorists and they threaten to shoot him unless the US can come up with $5 billion in cash!"
Guy 2: "Oh my God, that's horrible! How much have people donated?"
Guy 1: "So far, 15 rifles, 20 machine guns, 16 shotguns, 8 revolvers, 76 BB guns, 18 Glocks, 15 magnums, 21 bobcats, and $12 million in bullets.
Did you hear about the guy in m**... contest?
He really held his own.
So the 2017 World Chess Championships are being held in Iran. There's going to be some rule changes:
Queens won't be able to move without the king's permission, and bishops will face summary execution for spreading the word of the false prophet
A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital
She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.
"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.
"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'hello?'"
"But what happened to your other ear?"
"I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"
I held an o**... for my s**... dysfunction class last night.
Nobody came.
I tried to be a gentleman to this pretty lady, so I held the door open for her...
But she just screamed at me as she got s**... out of the plane! Women are so ungrateful for nice guys nowadays.
The man who invented distorted mirrors has died.
His f**... will be held in asymmetry.
I was forcibly held underwater, made to consume human flesh, and drank human blood all before puberty.
man Christianity has some weird traditions.
My girlfriend finally asked me who I've had s**... with in all of my life
I held back nothing and told her about every one of them. My first, the girls in higschool, that one time with her friend back in college, until I got to her... I probably should've stopped there.
Pun competition
One day, a man was sitting at home with a beer in hand when he read about a pun competition being held downtown. He got up early the next morning and came up with the best puns he had ever seen, and entered his 10 best puns hoping he would win, but unfortunately no pun in 10 did.
A man walks into a psychologist's office
The psychologist says, "Tell me about yourself?"
The man replies, "It is my deeply held belief that I am in fact a moth."
The psychologist is a little surprised, but being a professional, he thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I am sure I can help you overcome that."
Indignant, the man shoots back, "No way! I love being a moth, thank-you very much!"
"So why on Earth did you come in here?"
"Oh, well I was just passing by and I saw your light on..."
Happy women's day everyone!
It was actually supposed to be held on March 8 but they took too long to get ready.
An international conference was being held..
In which USA, North Korea, Europe and Africa were taking part.
The judge said,"I would like to hear your opinions about shortage of food in the rest of the world, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask us".
African president asked, "What is food?".
Europe asked, "What is Short?".
USA asked, "What is the rest of the world?".
North Korea asked, "What is Opinion?".
My college graduation was held inside the basketball arena and man was it hot
Musta been like 5,000 degrees in there
A police officer knocked on my door last night.
He held up a picture and said to me, "Is this your wife?"
"Yes, that's her", I replied to him.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this" the officer said, "but it looks like she's been in a car c**...".
"I know" I replied, but she has a lovely personality".
I held a door open for an Asian guy
and he said "sank you" so i punched him in the face. Serves him right for bringing up Pearl Harbor like that.
PS: Happy 4th of July
I held the door open for a feminist last month.
The trial date is December 12th.
So there was a tribal chief who decided he needed the biggest hut in the village...
so he gathered the grass he needed and built the only two story hut in the village. He placed his throne on the second story and held audiences there. One night while he slept the throne fell through the floor and crushed his head. The moral of this story is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
In one Intensive care unit
people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had video cameras to catch the whole thing on tape. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.
The New York Giants held "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day."
The daughters won 27-3.
My local church held a Netflix and Chastity event
31 people registered as going, but nobody came
Before I could take a drink of my milk, my dad snatched the glass from in front of me, held it just to the side of my head and slowly moved it from one side of my face to the other. There, it's safe to drink now , he said....
It's been past your eyes
He's been gone for almost 20 years, and I still remember the dad jokes like they were perfectly executed yesterday.
8 year old boy came home excitedly, telling his dad that a school play is gonna be held next month
Dad: that's great! What role did you get?
Son: I'll be the husband!
Dad: (*sigh*) tell your teacher tomorrow to give you a different role with more lines.
I just got my spine removed
It held me back
After seeing a palm reader, I gave him my money.
He held the note up to the light and frowned. "This is fake," he said.
I said, "Now you know what it feels like."
I held the door open for an old Japanese man today
As he walked into the store he said "Sank You". I was shocked that after all these years he still brings up Pearl Harbor…
Have you ever heard of the Greek hero Bophades?
He was one of the heroes who fought in the t**... War. His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child, his mother held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his mother held him by the groin, this was where he became vulnerable. In the case of Achilles, this was his heel. So you may have heard of Achilles' heel, or the Achilles' tendon, but I bet you have never heard of Bophades nuts.
Once there was a mathematician
Once there was a mathematician. She wasn't very good at her job, but she really enjoyed it. She knew she couldn't make enough money to feed her family, so she decided to make money at night as a p**.... She was surprised at how popular she became, quickly finding herself several regular customers. After one particularly good night, the man held her hand and asked, "That was amazing, you are an exquisite woman. I'm sorry for asking only now, but what is your name?"
The woman replied, "It's okay - it's The Thot That Counts."
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in August! I said, Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me? She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...
It's now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won't say where she got them...
One day Achilles and Testiclles are talking
Testiclles said "Why is your name Achilles?" and Achilles said "When my mother dipped me in the river, she held me by my heel. My tendon is my only weak spot" and then he said "And why is your name Testiclles?"
Police: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: b**... ....
I met a girl with a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh.
If you held your ear to it, you could smell the ocean.
My little daughter came to me all excited, shrieking, Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in October! Playing along, I laughed, Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me? She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...
It's now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won't say where she got them...
A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.
She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?
It was 1959 , says the pilot.
"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"
Pilot looks at his watch and says "Well, considering it's only 2025 now..."
Jesus and Moses were fishing on a lake one day.
Jesus and Moses were fishing on a lake one day.
Jesus: Hey Moses, when's the last time you parted the water. You still got it in you.
Moses: It's been a while. Let's see.
And standing in the boat he held out his hands and the water parted.
Moses: What about you? Can you still walk on water?
Jesus: Let's see.
So Jesus steps out of the boat and sinks
Jesus: I haven't tried it since I got these holes in my feet.
Credit to u/kaptin_hippy
We asked our son how old he was and he held up two fingers
Scared the h**... out of us
because we didn't know where he got em
My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.
"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours.
She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
The CDC recommends that f**... gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.
f**... proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.
A woman and her husband were arguing over the current precipitation...
The woman insisted it was drizzling outside while her husband said that really, it was just misting.
They decided that the argument would be settled by asking their elderly former soviet neighbor Rudolf.
Rudolf grimaced at the sky for a moment and held up a hand to catch some of the falling moisture. "It is drizzle," he declared.
The husband, a little put out by losing the argument, complained. "And why are we accepting our neighbors judgement?"
"Because," the wife replied, "Rudolf the red knows rain, dear."
I held the door for a Japanese man the other day...
And he said, sank you.
So I punched him right in the face.
I can't believe he'd bring up Pearl Harbor like that.
Happy Pearl Harbor Day!
The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.
The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
