Heist Jokes

These heist jokes are sure to make you laugh! From bank heists to burglaries, these funny jokes will have you rolling on the floor. Whether it’s about an ingenious thief or a bumbling teller, get ready for some crime-related humor.

Hilarious Fun Heist Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends

I before E

Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.

Art Thief

An art thief pulls off an incredible heist at the Louvre. He loads a bunch of priceless paintings in the back of his van and drives off.

He is about to make the perfect getaway when his van suddenly stops. The authorities nab him, and one of them asks "what happened to the van?"

The thief replies:

"I did not have the Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh"

I recently got caught up in a heist at an Apple Store.

I guess you can call me an iWitness

A bank robber just finished his heist

Unfortunately, his mask accidentally dropped for a few seconds. He picked it up, put it back, then asked a guy kneeling next to him.

"Did you see my face?" Asked the robber.

"Yes, but I swear I won't-" A bullet went through the guy's head. Then the robber asked the next guy kneeling next to his wife.

"And you? Did you see my face"

"No, sir. But my wife did"

A heist goes wrong and the hostages are on the verge of being executed.

The nervous gunman makes some small talk with the hostages and asks a woman her name.

"Martha." she replies. The gunman is taken aback, and says "Martha.. that was my mother's name. I can't kill you. Go, run to the exit and don't look back."

After the woman is rescued by the police outside, he turns to a man and asks him his name.

"Martha." he replies.

Gas prices are getting out of hand

There was an attempted heist at the art museum. It seems the gang was Baroque and needed Monet. But they didn't buy enough of Degas to make the Van Gogh so they all got arrested.

I had an episode of explosive diarrhea during a heist at the bank

s**... went down real fast

Heist joke, I had an episode of explosive diarrhea during a heist at the bank

What did the art thief's say when they jumped in the getaway vehicle after a heist?

Van Gogh

A few bananas are planning a heist

Right before they leap into action, they decide to run through the process again so all bananas know what they're doing.

Firstly, two bananas will be creating a distraction a distance away from the heist. Then, the rest of the bananas will scatter to confuse the enemy and start the heist.

After going through the process a few more times, the bananas are certain that they know what to do, and thus a couple bananas peel off and the rest of the bananas split.

If you were to rob a vape shop,

Could you call it a juul heist?

Last Halloween, my friend Lucy dressed up like a cat burglar on a jewel heist.

Lucy….in disguise with diamonds.

You can explore heist thief reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean heist getaway dad jokes. There are also heist puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Why did the killer whale go to jail for stealing all the diamonds?

He's the one that orca-strated the heist!

An art thief gets caught after a heist, how so?

Many people saw his Van Gogh from the scene of the crime.

After a very successful heist, a thief treats his two close friends to a sumptuous meal at a fancy restaurant.

Friend A: "You've walked away with millions?? By stealing from a printer company? How on earth did you pull that off??!"

Friend B: "You must've had to drive out an entire truckload of printers to make that much!"

Thief: "It was actually a lot easier than that. I just walked out with all my pockets filled with ink cartridges."

There was a massive $20m gold heist at Toronto Pearson Airport this morning.

They'll be doing a movie about it called oceans Eh-teen.

Did you hear about the big German bakery heist of 1988?

Everything was stollen

Heist joke, Did you hear about the big German bakery heist of 1988?

What do you call a heist pulled off by an airbender?

A b**...

A blind man walks into a sculpture store.

He'd been planning a heist targetting the jewellery store beside it. Fumbling around to gain his bearings, he eventually comes into contact with a statue of a woman, to which he finally exclaims, "Well, this is a bust!"

Textile Mill Heist

Earlier today police apprehended a criminal who had loaded an industrial-sized loom and 10 cubic meters of wool onto a truck in an attempted robbery of a local textile factory.

Police became suspicious of the truck when they noticed the driver weaving all over the road.

My friend was the head architect for a c**... heist. He code named it

The Big b**...

Did You Hear About The Man Who Saw The Largest Heist Of Apple Products Ever?

He was an IWitness

What do you call a bank robbery planned by Jesus?

A Christ Heist

They should do an "Ocean's 1"..

..where it's just 1 person failing miserably at pulling off a heist because he has no friends.

Who told the christian to rob a bank?

Jesus Heist

The greatest heist in the world

happened last week and we even enjoyed watching two people fight with their share.

Did you hear about that greenhouse heist?

I've heard that cops planted evidence.

Heist joke, Did you hear about that greenhouse heist?

A group of amateur bank robbers plan their first heist, but only have post-it notes to work with.

Should be easy enough to pull off.

50 years ago, Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway starred in "Bonnie and Clyde"

Tonight they got together to attempt one last heist

Why did the thief always paint his hands blue before doing a heist?

To make sure he was not caught red-handed

What do bank robbers eat for dessert?

Heist Cream

Remember that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes that make girls laugh. Many of the heist lem puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When a joke goes too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke becomes inappropriate.

We suggest you to use only working heist bank heist piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and make them laugh.

Joko Jokes