Heist Jokes

38 heist jokes and hilarious heist puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about heist that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

These heist jokes are sure to make you laugh! From bank heists to burglaries, these funny jokes will have you rolling on the floor. Whether it’s about an ingenious thief or a bumbling teller, get ready for some crime-related humor.

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Funniest Heist Short Jokes

Short heist jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The heist humour may include short theft jokes also.

  1. I before E Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.
  2. I recently got caught up in a heist at an Apple Store. I guess you can call me an iWitness
  3. What did the art thief's say when they jumped in the getaway vehicle after a heist? Van Gogh
  4. Last Halloween, my friend Lucy dressed up like a cat burglar on a jewel heist. Lucy….in disguise with diamonds.
  5. Funny Book Title Thread! I'll start:
    "How To Get The Most Out Of Your Bank Heists" by Fillmore Sacks
  6. Why did the killer whale go to jail for stealing all the diamonds? He's the one that orca-strated the heist!
  7. An art thief gets caught after a heist, how so? Many people saw his Van Gogh from the scene of the crime.
  8. There was a massive $20m gold heist at Toronto Pearson Airport this morning. They'll be doing a movie about it called oceans Eh-teen.
  9. Why didn't the security guard want to work at the rooftop bank? Because he was scared of heists.
  10. Did You Hear About The Man Who Saw The Largest Heist Of Apple Products Ever? He was an IWitness

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Heist One Liners

Which heist one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with heist? I can suggest the ones about robber and car thief.

  1. If you were to rob a vape shop, Could you call it a juul heist?
  2. Did you hear about the big German bakery heist of 1988? Everything was stollen
  3. What do you call a bank robbery planned by Jesus? A Christ Heist
  4. Who told the christian to rob a bank? Jesus Heist
  5. Did you hear about that greenhouse heist? I've heard that cops planted evidence.
  6. Did you know that Bob Ross secretly conducted bank heists? He was the Rob Boss.
  7. What do bank robbers eat for dessert? Heist Cream
  8. Some ghosts robbed a bank It was a polter-heist
  9. What's it called when you kidnap a ghost? A Polter-Heist
  10. What do you call a heist pulled off by an airbender? A b**...
  11. My friend was the head architect for a c**... heist. He code named it The Big b**...
  12. What job does the d**... have on the heist? The safe

Bank Heist Jokes

Here is a list of funny bank heist jokes and even better bank heist puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A group of amateur bank robbers plan their first heist, but only have post-it notes to work with. Should be easy enough to pull off.
  • Bank heists are the lowest among the countries with the highest inflation. Thieves don't have enough capacity in the vehicles to load enough cash.
  • I had an episode of explosive diarrhea during a heist at the bank s**... went down real fast
Heist joke, I had an episode of explosive diarrhea during a heist at the bank

Hilarious Fun Heist Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about heist you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean heir jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make heist pranks.

Art Thief

An art thief pulls off an incredible heist at the Louvre. He loads a bunch of priceless paintings in the back of his van and drives off.
He is about to make the perfect getaway when his van suddenly stops. The authorities nab him, and one of them asks "what happened to the van?"
The thief replies:
"I did not have the Monet
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh"

A bank robber just finished his heist

Unfortunately, his mask accidentally dropped for a few seconds. He picked it up, put it back, then asked a guy kneeling next to him.
"Did you see my face?" Asked the robber.
"Yes, but I swear I won't-" A bullet went through the guy's head. Then the robber asked the next guy kneeling next to his wife.
"And you? Did you see my face"
"No, sir. But my wife did"

A heist goes wrong and the hostages are on the verge of being executed.

The nervous gunman makes some small talk with the hostages and asks a woman her name.
"Martha." she replies. The gunman is taken aback, and says "Martha.. that was my mother's name. I can't kill you. Go, run to the exit and don't look back."
After the woman is rescued by the police outside, he turns to a man and asks him his name.
"Martha." he replies.

Gas prices are getting out of hand

There was an attempted heist at the art museum. It seems the gang was Baroque and needed Monet. But they didn't buy enough of Degas to make the Van Gogh so they all got arrested.

A few bananas are planning a heist

Right before they leap into action, they decide to run through the process again so all bananas know what they're doing.
Firstly, two bananas will be creating a distraction a distance away from the heist. Then, the rest of the bananas will scatter to confuse the enemy and start the heist.
After going through the process a few more times, the bananas are certain that they know what to do, and thus a couple bananas peel off and the rest of the bananas split.

After a very successful heist, a thief treats his two close friends to a sumptuous meal at a fancy restaurant.

Friend A: "You've walked away with millions?? By stealing from a printer company? How on earth did you pull that off??!"
Friend B: "You must've had to drive out an entire truckload of printers to make that much!"
Thief: "It was actually a lot easier than that. I just walked out with all my pockets filled with ink cartridges."

A blind man walks into a sculpture store.

He'd been planning a heist targetting the jewellery store beside it. Fumbling around to gain his bearings, he eventually comes into contact with a statue of a woman, to which he finally exclaims, "Well, this is a bust!"

Textile Mill Heist

Earlier today police apprehended a criminal who had loaded an industrial-sized loom and 10 cubic meters of wool onto a truck in an attempted robbery of a local textile factory.
Police became suspicious of the truck when they noticed the driver weaving all over the road.

They should do an "Ocean's 1"..

..where it's just 1 person failing miserably at pulling off a heist because he has no friends.

Heist joke, They should do an "Ocean's 1"..