heil Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious heil puns

Sieg Heil by Covergirl

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one panics.
Hitler does the same thing and everyone loses their minds.


What's Hitler's favorite weather?



Obama and Putin are walking on the beach.

Obama says "We have got great submarines, they can stay under water for 6 weeks". Putin replies "That's nothing, our submarines can stay under water for 10 weeks". Suddenly, a submarine emerges and a man sticks his head out and yells "Heil Hitler! Do you have diesel?"


Once saw a bunch of Nazis saluting in icy precipitation.

It was quite the heil storm.


What type of shoes did Hitler make his wife wear?

Ze heil heels!!!


What was the weather forcast in poland on the day before the german invasion?

86% chance of heil


During World War II...

...Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as they could then say to them, In 9 months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!

So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He then said to her, In 9 months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!

She replied, In a few weeks you will have a disease. Name it syphillis. Vive la France!


A french, an english and a german general are talking about submarine technology

The French general tells them their submarines can stay underwater for three days.

The British says theirs can stay submerged for 180 days

Suddenly a submarine comes up. A man comes out and shouts: "SIEG HEIL. Wir brauchen Sprit!"


An English man, French and American walk near the sea

And argue who has the best submarines.

The french says: Our submarines can las a whole week under water.

The english man says: Our submarines can last two weeks under water.

The american says: Well our submarines can last a whole month under water.

Near them a submarin emerges from the water and a man comes out of it and asks: Heil, is the war over?


How do german doctors cure their patients?

They heil them.


So Merkel, Putin and Obama walk along the beach.

Suddenly Obama mentions; "You know, our Navy submarines can submerge for 4 weeks straight!"

Putin grins and says; "Well, our submarines can submerge for 6 weeks straight, they just have to surface for the food!"

Suddenly a Submarine surfaces right in front of them, a man appears and yells "SIEG HEIL! WE RAN OUT OF BENZIN!"

P.S: Benzin= Petrol, but the joke works way better with benzin IMO


I like the Germans, but instead of Hitler, now they are all obsessed with this new guy named Morgan

Instead of saying Heil Hitler , they now come up to me and say Good Morgan .


What wasthe white supremacist weatherman's forecast?

Heavy reign, with a chance of heil.


What do nazis do when they first get to NYC?

Heil a taxi


What's a Jews least favorite type of weather?



The doctor and four babies.

A nurse who was taking care of 4 babies: a Jewish baby, a German baby, an American baby and a Mexican baby. Unfortunately she got them mixed up and had no idea how to tell them apart by just looking at them. She asked the doctor to help her out and the doctor told her to wait in the room when he went out to grab something. After a few minutes the doctor returned with a picture Hitler and started showing it to the babies. The German baby saluted the picture with a heil Hitler, the Jewish baby shat his pants, and the American baby pointed at the Jewish baby's diaper and said to the Mexican baby: "Clean that shit up!"


One day, 4 babies were born at K.K. Hospital:

One day, 4 babies were born at K.K. Hospital: a German, a Jewish, a Filipino and a Singaporean.

However, someone mixed up the babies by mistake, and the nurses couldn't differentiate between them.

However, the head sister had a bright idea. She lined the babies up in front of her and exclaimed, "Heil Hitler!"

At hearing this, the German baby raised his arm in a salute, while the Jewish baby soiled his diapers. In the meantime, the Singaporean baby turned to the Filipino baby and said, "Clean that up!"



What do call if it was raining Nazis?

A Heil storm


Why was Hitler late to his meeting?

He couldn't HEIL a cab.


The 2017 forecast just came in

Looks like reign with a slight chance of heil.


What kind of shoes did Hitler's wife wear?

Size nein heil heels.


Why did Hitler delay the invasion of Britain?

The weather called for *Heil*


So Hitler was getting gas the other day...

And he said "what?! $2.60 per gallon?? That's a heil of a deal."


What do neo-Nazis do on Hitler's birthday?

Heil if I know


The weather forecast is looking pretty bad over in Germany.

There's a high chance of heil.


I love a good chuckle and all, but...

Nazi puns are a bit out of mein kampfort zone.

See you guys in heil<3


You ever hear of the Nazi strip club?

They don't make it rain, they make it Heil!


What's Hitlers favourite weather?



What did the Nutzies say to their leader?

"Heil Dickler"


What do you get when you cross Hitler with a black woman?

Aw sieg heil no!


Why did Hitler make such a bad weatherman?

Even when it was rain, he kept yelling "heil!"


What did the reporter say to the Jew when a Mexican yelled: "Heil Hitler"?

Anne Frankly, I did Nazi that Juan coming.


What is the weather report for Hitler's birthday?

Cloudy with a chance of heil.


How would you describe a Nazi feast?

Heil and hearty.


What's a Nazi's favourite weather?



What are the most funny Heil jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Heil? Well, here are the best Heil dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Heil pick up lines to share with friends.

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