Height Of Heights Jokes
100 height of heights jokes and hilarious height of heights puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about height of heights that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Height Of Heights Short Jokes
Short height of heights jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The height of heights humour may include short foot tall jokes also.
- A girl I met on tinder said "don't even bother talking to me if your height starts with 5" Jokes on her, I'm 4'11
- If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height? From my head, tomatoes.
hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving. - What's the difference between tinder and amusement parks? Amusement parks have realistic height requirements.
- As a guy who is 5'7 , I'm surprised guys my height think they're locked out of dating Most ladies' profiles say looking for long term, open to short
- My girlfriend recently started categorizing small animals by height and weight. I'll have to end it with her... She's always critter sizing.
- I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height… Apparently, they didn't like my critter sizing.
- Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh? Meat.
- Why did the paleontologist measure the height of a dinosaur using a T-Rex's foot? Jurassic times call for Jurassic
Measures. - I went to the doctor Today I went to the doctor and asked: Hey, doc, at my weight, what's the optimal height.
He said: 4 meters. - Why does the Coast Guard have a 6 foot height requirement? So when their ship sinks they can walk back to shore.
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Height Of Heights One Liners
Which height of heights one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with height of heights? I can suggest the ones about feet tall and height.
- What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights? A chicken
- Why did the winter solstice bring a ladder to the party? To "reach" new heights of fun.
- I don't want my wife any longer. Her height is perfect.
- Did you know that a pizza with the radius z and the height a... has a volume of pizza?
- Height bullying is no joke. Seriously guys, we need to stop looking down on short people.
- what's the height of trust? two cannibals in a 69
- Some people have a fear of heights. Not me, I have a fear of widths.
- I just measured myself Turns out the height of comedy is 5'4
- How tall is the thermometer's Mecury? Not too big, not to small. It's fair in height.
- What's the height of loneliness? Every time after sneezing, I say "God bless me"
- What's the most exciting height to be? Yay high.
: ^) - What is height of Laziness?
Adopting a child. - I used to have a height complex, But then I grew out of it.
- What is height of Activelaziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk. - Q: What is height of De-hydration?
A: A cow giving milk powder.
Height Of Heights Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about height of heights you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean high people jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make height of heights pranks.
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p**... Englishman, p**... Scotchman and p**... Irishman come across a magic slide. The slide operator tells them when they slide down, whatever they shout out for is what they will land in at the bottom. p**... Englishman goes first and yells "Gold!" and lands in gold. p**... Scotsman goes next and screams "Silver!" so he lands in silver. p**... Irishman looks down the slide and, being afraid of heights, closes his eyes and jumps, crying out "OH SH*T!"
Two truck drivers trying to drive under a bridge.
Driver, "Oh no, the height of bridge is 2.7m and our truck is 3m."
2nd driver, "it's ok, just go, there is no cops around."
In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
As I was telling my grandfather goodnight over the phone, he proceeded to tell me "the height of conceit."
Which in his own words:
"You know the height of conceit son? A flea floating on his back down a river, sporting a hard-on, yelling 'OPEN THE DRAWBRIDGE' "
That man.
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Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
Blonde Co-Pilot
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."
An incredible phenomenon of life
A pepperoni of radius 'z' and height 'a' has a volume of pi·z·z·a
Saw some great soviet jokes on here. Here's one from President Reagan...
Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you.
On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a man went down to his local dealership to buy a car. After he had accepted the man's money and the paperwork had been signed, the dealer informed the man that his car would be ready in 10 years and that he could come back then and pick it up.
Taking note of the date, the man turned to leave but paused on his way out the door and asked, "morning or afternoon?"
"It's 10 years from now, what difference does it make?" replied the dealer.
"Well, I'm busy in the morning." said the man.
Confused, the dealer asked, "what could you possibly have planned for the morning ten years from today?"
"The plumber's coming to fix my sink," replied the man.
2 Polish Guys
Were trying to measure the height of a flagpole. They had a tape measure with them and were trying to climb the flagpole, measure in hand. A man walks by and says, "why don't you guys just lay it on the ground and measure it?" One of the Poles replies, "Because we want to measure its height, not length!"
African tribe
There is a tribe in Africa called the faqawi tribe. Their average height is 3 ft tall and the grass where they live is 5 ft tall. They get their name from the sound they make as they jump up and down " Were the faqawi ? were the faqawi ?"
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comeback is real!
A professor and a fool
A professor was walking along a very narrow hall when he came face to face with a rival.
The passage way was too narrow for two to pass.
The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said with a sneer,
I never make way for fools!
Smiling, the Gracious Professor stepped aside and with a bow replied, I Always Do.
A farmer was having trouble telling his horses apart.
"I have two horses that I can't tell apart," he tells his friend. "Is there any way you can help me?"
"Shave the mane off one horse," his friend said. "Then you'll know the difference between them."
The farmer did as he was told, but after some time the mane grew back and he couldn't tell the difference anymore.
"This time, give one of them a small cut on its leg," said his friend. "Then you can tell it apart from the other."
The farmer did this again, but the other horse ran into a thorn bush and got a similar cut on its leg.
"Measure their height," said his friend. "One of them must definitely be a bit taller than the other."
The farmer tried it out, and it worked. Ecstatic, he ran back to his friend's house.
"It worked!" he yelled. "The black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
In High School they used to call me Big Tim, but it wasn't because of my height, Ladies ;)....
.....its because I was Morbidly Obese.
Have you heard about the airplane industry?
Its really taking off and reaching new heights.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"If I wanted to commit s**...
"If I wanted to commit s**..., I would climb up to the height of your ego and jump down to your IQ level."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish man arrested for domestic a**...
The man has been arrested on the same charge 5 times before.
"Why do you keep beating her p**...?" asked the police officer.
"Well isn't that obvious you idiot?
It is my height and weight advantage coupled with my superior reach and better footwork!"
The wife said she was feeling light-headed from a low iron level
To help her, I've raised the ironing board to a more suitable height.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Making fun of a short's person height is cruel and requires no ability...
... one could even say it's the lowest form of humour.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What's the height of self confidence?
f**... when you have diarrhea.
Lady (to her doctor): What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.
Doctor: How come?
Lady: According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches.
Height matters
For example, a difference in how high the rocket flew determined the years the scientists spent in a labor camp.
I realized today I reached my ideal weight years ago.......
I just haven't reached my ideal height of 7'6" yet.
My friend is afraid of heights...
I'm more afraid of snakes, but my fear of heights is definitely up there.
Why did the Canadian meteorologists lose to the American meteorologists in basketball?
Because it was unfair in height
I'm loving my new desk. It looks good and is at the perfect working height. I sat down, got myself comfortable and thought..
Yeah I could really get behind this.
I'm not afraid of heights. I'm not even afraid of falling from heights.
I'm afraid hitting the ground after falling from heights.
A communist joke often told by Ronald Reagan
Two Russian friends were taking a walk downtown during the height of the Soviet Union. The one looks around at his country and says "is this it? Have we achieved peak Communism?"
The other responds "oh, no my friend, it gets much worse."
One for the Mathematicians
Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flagpole.
They only have a measuring tape, and they have not been able to slide the tape up the pole.
A mathematician asks what they are doing, and they explain.
The solution is easy, she says. She pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it.
After she leaves, one of the engineers says,
That is so typical! We tell a mathematician we need the height – and she gives us the length!
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People say m**... makes you high
But I've not increased in height, only in width
At the height of the Cold War...
At the height of the Cold War, a landmark summit was convened with leaders from every province within the Soviet Union. The representatives arrived very early but the meeting was still delayed. Why?
They were all Russian, but one was Stalin
Note: made this up after being inspired by a recent joke on here.
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I before E, except after C.
We ***feign agreeing***, but this ***foreign poltergeist*** of a rule is ***neither efficient*** nor smart- and ***therein*** lies the ***height*** of the issue. It's as if an ***ancient deity*** has influenced the ***zeitgeist*** of the people. We must remove the ***weight*** of this ***veil*** from ***their*** eyes, and ***forfeit*** the ***leisure*** of this ***weird*** and ***heinous*** rule from our ***science*** and ***leisure*** alike.
A theater owner has a smudge on his sign
He climbs the ladder to clean it, but he is afraid of heights and soils himself, causing his underwear to stick to him uncomfortably. He now has two problems:
.
.
.
.
Marquee mark and the funky bunch
I'm so sorry
Can you jump 6 times your own body height? Cats can
Can you take an x-ray of the inside of your own body? Catscan
There was a man who swore he was getting smaller.
Everyday, his height decreases by an inch. Alarmed, he visits the doctor immediately, and asks the secretary to squeeze him in.
"Surely, sir. The doctor will be here any minute. You just have to sit down and be a little patient."
GF: I'm leaving you!
Me: Is it because I create gf nicknames out of names of kitchen appliances?
GF: No, it's because you're always making fun of my height
Me: You know I love you microbabe!
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A man sees a woman crying...
He goes up to her, and asks "why are you crying?"
The woman replies "Everyone keeps saying I'm short..."
He then says "Stand up, let me see your height."
and she says "I *am* standing, idiot!"
I wasn't afraid of heights until my significant other told me about her bungee jumping accident
I got the fright of my wife.
My girlfriend is very short and she gets fed up of me making fun of her height.
So tonight I'm going to make it up to her.
I've got a good bottle of wine and a DVD box set of her favorite TV show.
When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favorite takeaway which we'll sit and eat while we drink the wine and watch the DVDs.
Then afterwards I'm going to go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
The Tourist
An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.
Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."
"I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the waiter with typical New York charm. "I can only serve one table at a time."
How much is your height
Indian:- My height is 167cms
European :- My height is 182.5 cms
American :- My height is 1/3675 of a Football field
Are you at all concerned that the heights of vegetables are rapidly increasing due to the amount of chemicals used on them?
No, I don't carrot tall.
Pennywise the clown talked to me about the idea of multiplying a prism's length width and height.
It spoke volumes to me.
TIL the government has a minimum height requirement for workers to receive Coronavirus relief payments. I was so angry...
but I'm over it
I was talking to a girl at school one day and she was talking to me and she asked how tall I was and I answered 6'4 and she shivered and then I said Maybe 6'5 and she screamed. Then I asked her What's wrong with you?
She said Nothing, I'm just afraid of heights.
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Have you heard of the ancient Amazonian tribe known as the Fugawi?
The average height of each adult was about 4ft, and they lived in an area with tall grass that would reach up to 6ft. They were know for jumping up and down in the grass fields announcing "We're the Fugawi! We're the Fugawi!"
A dude went to the hospital and asked the doc:
Dude: judging by my weight, what's my ideal height doc?
Doc: 20 feet.
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I know joking about Tom Cruise's height is low-hanging fruit...
but that's all he can reach.
A man rejects a girl due to the height difference between them..
The girl: you're selling yourself short you know
A 4'6 woman walks into a matchmaking service…
A 4'6 (137cm) woman walks into a matchmaking service.
She says to the man behind the counter, I'm really insecure about my height, so the only thing I'm looking for in a partner is that he's shorter than me.
The man replies, You've got really low standards.
.
[OC, I think]
Mice
A family of mice were out walking, and were suddenly surprised by a large cat. Father Mouse stood his ground, drew himself up to his full height, and shouted BOW-WOW-WOW!!! at the cat. The cat, alarmed, ran off.
The small mice were very impressed. That was fantastic, Dad! How did you do that?
That, son, explains Father Mouse, demonstrates the value of learning a second language.
Leading entomologists experimenting with ant larvae have reported that while the introduction of milk-born disaccharides increased their height by 31%, it also inhibited tarsus growth by 47%.
The study concluded that the resulting specimens lack toes in taller ants.
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I matched with a g**... Tinder
She asked, "how tall are you?"
I replied, "5'10, how much do you weigh?"
She got angry and said, "That's body shaming, it's hard to lose weight!"
I laughed and said, "it's harder for me to gain height!"
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
What's a benefit of being the same height as your partner?
You share the same perspective on life
So my mom is getting her foot cut off today.. (really)
We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot.
I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.
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What's the difference between a bird and a politician?
One s**... on people from great heights and the other flies through the air
(True story) After reaching the height of his fame, Alec Guinness went into a restaurant and dropped his jacket off at the reception..
When it was time to give his name, the Receptionist told him it wasn't necessary. Feeling flattered, Alec went to his table..
At the end of the night, he went to pick up his jacket. In the pocket of his jacket, there was the ticket stub. On the ticket stub, where his name was supposed to be, it said old man with glasses .
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A woman in her 90s calls her doctor and asks:
"Doctor, where is the heart?"
To which the doctor replies: "it is at the height of your left n**..."
The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call.
A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper
"Elderly woman wants to commit s**..., shoots herself in the knee"
So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...
...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.
"26 feet 6 inches" She says to the two perplexed engineers, and then walks off.
One engineer looks at the other and says, "Typical blonde. We want the height and she gives us the length!"
(Mentions of gore) Once upon a time, there was a very brave but very arrogant man…
This man claimed he could survive anything. He survived falls from various heights, various guns, sharp objects and even acid.
One day, he declared he was going to survive a steamroller. So this brave man went in the roller's path…
He sadly died that day, but the most important thing was he proved that he had guts.
[Request] Self deprecating joke about height for wedding
Long story short, I am officiating a wedding between the 2 tallest and most stunning friends I have. I am about 5'9 VS his 6'4 I would like to make some jab about them not being able to get anyone taller or when they asked me i immediately started thinking about how tall of a stool I would need to find and bring with. Just nothing seems all that funny, any ideas? Sorry if this is the wrong subreddit, feel free to delete!
Judge
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. Isn't it true, he bellowed, that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
The prosecutor again blared, Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, Sir, please answer the question.
Oh, the startled witness said, I thought he was talking to you.