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Height Jokes

131 height jokes and hilarious height puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about height that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Enjoy a lighthearted ride through the wacky world of height jokes! We'll explore the heights of stupidity, laziness, confidence, poverty, and difference between couples. Get ready to laugh at jokes ranging from the 6ft tall, all the way to the heights of heights!

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Funniest Height Short Jokes

Short height jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The height humour may include short width jokes also.

  1. A girl I met on tinder said "don't even bother talking to me if your height starts with 5" Jokes on her, I'm 4'11
     
  2. If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height? From my head, tomatoes.
    hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.
  3. What's the difference between tinder and amusement parks? Amusement parks have realistic height requirements.
  4. As a guy who is 5'7 , I'm surprised guys my height think they're locked out of dating Most ladies' profiles say looking for long term, open to short
  5. My girlfriend recently started categorizing small animals by height and weight. I'll have to end it with her... She's always critter sizing.
  6. I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height… Apparently, they didn't like my critter sizing.
  7. Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh? Meat.
  8. I got kicked out of the park today for arranging the squirrels by height They didn't like my critter sizing
  9. I know joking about Tom Cruise's height is low-hanging fruit... but that's all he can reach.
  10. Why did the paleontologist measure the height of a dinosaur using a T-Rex's foot? Jurassic times call for Jurassic
    Measures.

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Height One Liners

Which height one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with height? I can suggest the ones about size and altitude.

  1. What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights? A chicken
  2. Why did the winter solstice bring a ladder to the party? To "reach" new heights of fun.
  3. I don't want my wife any longer. Her height is perfect.
  4. What is the volume of a disk with radius z and height a? Pi * z * z * a
  5. Did you know that a pizza with the radius z and the height a... has a volume of pizza?
  6. Height bullying is no joke. Seriously guys, we need to stop looking down on short people.
  7. what's the height of trust? two cannibals in a 69
  8. Some people have a fear of heights. Not me, I have a fear of widths.
  9. I just measured myself Turns out the height of comedy is 5'4
  10. How tall is the thermometer's Mecury? Not too big, not to small. It's fair in height.
  11. What do you get when a piano falls on a child from a great height? A♭m
  12. What's the height of loneliness? Every time after sneezing, I say "God bless me"
  13. What's the most exciting height to be? Yay high.
    : ^)
  14. What is height of Laziness?
    Adopting a child.
  15. What's the height of stupidity? I don't know, somebody ask OP how tall he is.

Height Of Heights Jokes

Here is a list of funny height of heights jokes and even better height of heights puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I went to the doctor Today I went to the doctor and asked: Hey, doc, at my weight, what's the optimal height.
    He said: 4 meters.
  • Why does the Coast Guard have a 6 foot height requirement? So when their ship sinks they can walk back to shore.
  • Can you jump 6 times your own body height? Cats can Can you take an x-ray of the inside of your own body? Catscan
  • What is the volume of pizza? Pizza of course! If z = radius of the pizza and a = the height then Π * radius^2 * height = Pi * z * z * a = Pizza.
  • A man talks to a pilot The man asks "what made you become a pilot?"
    The pilot responds with "I had to defy my biggest fear"
    "Heights?" The man says.
    "No, dying alone," says the pilot.
  • The Coast Guard recently changed their minimum height requirements to 6'. That way if the boat sinks everyone can just walk to shore.
  • An incredible phenomenon of life A pepperoni of radius 'z' and height 'a' has a volume of pi·z·z·a
  • GF: I'm leaving you! Me: Is it because I create gf nicknames out of names of kitchen appliances?
    GF: No, it's because you're always making fun of my height
    Me: You know I love you microbabe!
  • Why is jumping from great heights the most influential way to die? Because you make an impact
  • Shame to admit, my german grandpa told me this joke How do you calculate the escape route of a jew?
    Chimney Height * Strength of wind

Height Difference Jokes

Here is a list of funny height difference jokes and even better height difference puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A man rejects a girl due to the height difference between them.. The girl: you're selling yourself short you know
  • Height matters For example, a difference in how high the rocket flew determined the years the scientists spent in a labor camp.
  • I have a friend that is much taller than me Because of the height difference between us he can see farther than me in a crowd.
    He has heightened vision
  • When I get in the car after my wife had driven it, I only have to flip the center mirror lever. The difference in our height is like night and day.
  • What's the difference between a bird and a politician? One s**... on people from great heights and the other flies through the air
Height joke, What's the difference between a bird and a politician?

Small Height Jokes

Here is a list of funny small height jokes and even better small height puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My friend doesn't like it when I make jokes about their small height. I guess they have a short fuse
  • Height of internet addiction At a f**... in church
    A visitor: What's the Wi-Fi password here ?
    Priest: Respect the dead.
    Visitor: all small letters?
  • Height of internet addiction!! *Height of internet addiction*
    *At a f**... in church*
    *A visitor: What's the WiFi password here?*
    *Priest: respect the dead*
    *Visitor: all small letters? ???*

Average Height Jokes

Here is a list of funny average height jokes and even better average height puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Knowledge is knowing Napoleon.. ... was about the average height for his time.
    Wisdom is not putting Napoleon in a fruit salad.
  • What is the average height of a pothead? 5'8".
  • I don't think I should pay my vertically challenged Irish servant the same wage as staff of average height. But that's just my O'Minion.

Height Of Stupidity Jokes

Here is a list of funny height of stupidity jokes and even better height of stupidity puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Q: What is height of Stupidity?
    A: A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.
Height joke

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about height can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of height puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Comedy Height Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle

What funny jokes about height you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean depth jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make height prank.

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...


As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

As I was telling my grandfather goodnight over the phone, he proceeded to tell me "the height of conceit."

Which in his own words:
"You know the height of conceit son? A flea floating on his back down a river, sporting a hard-on, yelling 'OPEN THE DRAWBRIDGE' "
That man.

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.


A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

Saw some great soviet jokes on here. Here's one from President Reagan...

Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you.
On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a man went down to his local dealership to buy a car. After he had accepted the man's money and the paperwork had been signed, the dealer informed the man that his car would be ready in 10 years and that he could come back then and pick it up.
Taking note of the date, the man turned to leave but paused on his way out the door and asked, "morning or afternoon?"
"It's 10 years from now, what difference does it make?" replied the dealer.
"Well, I'm busy in the morning." said the man.
Confused, the dealer asked, "what could you possibly have planned for the morning ten years from today?"
"The plumber's coming to fix my sink," replied the man.

2 Polish Guys

Were trying to measure the height of a flagpole. They had a tape measure with them and were trying to climb the flagpole, measure in hand. A man walks by and says, "why don't you guys just lay it on the ground and measure it?" One of the Poles replies, "Because we want to measure its height, not length!"

A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He's called in to the exam room and sits on the table. The nurse comes in, takes his blood pressure, height, weight, and asks a few general health questions and scribbles answers on a form. The doctor comes in, holding the form. He looks at the man and says "Sir you have to stop m**...".
"What? Why?" The man replies.
"Because I'm trying to examine you"

There is a tribe over in Africa

There is a tribe over in Africa called the fuckrwe. Every member stands at a height of only two feet tall and the grass they hunt their pray is 5 foot tall. As they run through the tall grass they chant their name "We're the fuckrwe!, We're the fuckrwe!"

Have you seen the world's biggest thermometer?

I hear it's fair in height

African tribe

There is a tribe in Africa called the faqawi tribe. Their average height is 3 ft tall and the grass where they live is 5 ft tall. They get their name from the sound they make as they jump up and down " Were the faqawi ? were the faqawi ?"

comeback is real!

A professor and a fool
A professor was walking along a very narrow hall when he came face to face with a rival.
The passage way was too narrow for two to pass.
The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said with a sneer,
I never make way for fools!
Smiling, the Gracious Professor stepped aside and with a bow replied, I Always Do.

A farmer was having trouble telling his horses apart.

"I have two horses that I can't tell apart," he tells his friend. "Is there any way you can help me?"
"Shave the mane off one horse," his friend said. "Then you'll know the difference between them."
The farmer did as he was told, but after some time the mane grew back and he couldn't tell the difference anymore.
"This time, give one of them a small cut on its leg," said his friend. "Then you can tell it apart from the other."
The farmer did this again, but the other horse ran into a thorn bush and got a similar cut on its leg.
"Measure their height," said his friend. "One of them must definitely be a bit taller than the other."
The farmer tried it out, and it worked. Ecstatic, he ran back to his friend's house.
"It worked!" he yelled. "The black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

In High School they used to call me Big Tim, but it wasn't because of my height, Ladies ;)....

.....its because I was Morbidly Obese.

My Grandad used to tell me a story about how he once saw a Polar Bear fall from a great height

...He said it was a great ice breaker
*ba-dum-tschh*

Why is height reduction surgery almost always a bad deal?

Because you're guaranteed to get short-changed!

"If I wanted to commit s**...

"If I wanted to commit s**..., I would climb up to the height of your ego and jump down to your IQ level."

Irish man arrested for domestic a**...

The man has been arrested on the same charge 5 times before.
"Why do you keep beating her p**...?" asked the police officer.
"Well isn't that obvious you idiot?
It is my height and weight advantage coupled with my superior reach and better footwork!"

I used to have a height complex,

But then I grew out of it.

You are just like Magic Johnson.

But without the basketball skills or the height or actually being anything like him, you just have AIDS.

How is a tinder profile like an NBA scouting report?

The most important thing is height.

The wife said she was feeling light-headed from a low iron level

To help her, I've raised the ironing board to a more suitable height.

Making fun of a short's person height is cruel and requires no ability...

... one could even say it's the lowest form of humour.

What's the height of self confidence?

f**... when you have diarrhea.

Lady (to her doctor): What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.

Doctor: How come?
Lady: According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches.

I heard that there was a guy who could jump twice his height

That's some incredible feat

I realized today I reached my ideal weight years ago.......

I just haven't reached my ideal height of 7'6" yet.

What Is The Height Of Misunderstanding?

A Man Marrying His Own Secretary Thinking That She Will Still Follow His Orders As Before.

Why did the Canadian meteorologists lose to the American meteorologists in basketball?

Because it was unfair in height

I'm loving my new desk. It looks good and is at the perfect working height. I sat down, got myself comfortable and thought..

Yeah I could really get behind this.

My friend is really sensitive about his lack of height.

It's best not to tease him about though, or he'll punch you in the knee.

A communist joke often told by Ronald Reagan

Two Russian friends were taking a walk downtown during the height of the Soviet Union. The one looks around at his country and says "is this it? Have we achieved peak Communism?"
The other responds "oh, no my friend, it gets much worse."

One for the Mathematicians

Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flagpole.
They only have a measuring tape, and they have not been able to slide the tape up the pole.
A mathematician asks what they are doing, and they explain.
The solution is easy, she says. She pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it.
After she leaves, one of the engineers says,
That is so typical! We tell a mathematician we need the height – and she gives us the length!

No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.

Only the Ruler could.

People say m**... makes you high

But I've not increased in height, only in width

At the height of the Cold War...

At the height of the Cold War, a landmark summit was convened with leaders from every province within the Soviet Union. The representatives arrived very early but the meeting was still delayed. Why?
They were all Russian, but one was Stalin
Note: made this up after being inspired by a recent joke on here.

I before E, except after C.

We ***feign agreeing***, but this ***foreign poltergeist*** of a rule is ***neither efficient*** nor smart- and ***therein*** lies the ***height*** of the issue. It's as if an ***ancient deity*** has influenced the ***zeitgeist*** of the people. We must remove the ***weight*** of this ***veil*** from ***their*** eyes, and ***forfeit*** the ***leisure*** of this ***weird*** and ***heinous*** rule from our ***science*** and ***leisure*** alike.

There was a man who swore he was getting smaller.

Everyday, his height decreases by an inch. Alarmed, he visits the doctor immediately, and asks the secretary to squeeze him in.
"Surely, sir. The doctor will be here any minute. You just have to sit down and be a little patient."

A man sees a woman crying...

He goes up to her, and asks "why are you crying?"
The woman replies "Everyone keeps saying I'm short..."
He then says "Stand up, let me see your height."
and she says "I *am* standing, idiot!"

Guys, you can't ask a girl her weight!

You have to factor in her height too! Ask for her BMI score. Be smart.

My girlfriend is very short and she gets fed up of me making fun of her height.

So tonight I'm going to make it up to her.
I've got a good bottle of wine and a DVD box set of her favorite TV show.
When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favorite takeaway which we'll sit and eat while we drink the wine and watch the DVDs.
Then afterwards I'm going to go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.

The Tourist

An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.
Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."
"I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the waiter with typical New York charm. "I can only serve one table at a time."

How much is your height

Indian:- My height is 167cms
European :- My height is 182.5 cms
American :- My height is 1/3675 of a Football field

Pennywise the clown talked to me about the idea of multiplying a prism's length width and height.

It spoke volumes to me.

TIL the government has a minimum height requirement for workers to receive Coronavirus relief payments. I was so angry...

but I'm over it

Have you ever heard of the Fakawi tribe in Africa?

They are a native group that lives in the African jungle. Average height is only 4'3 but in the region they live the grass is higher than they are. They are a proud group, bouncing through the grass chanting We're the Fakawi, we're the Fakawi.

Heights Of Insult By A Grammar Freak Girl.

Girl To Boy: "You Are As Useless As Ay In Okay"

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy.

He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes?
The manager said, "what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time."

Have you heard of the ancient Amazonian tribe known as the Fugawi?

The average height of each adult was about 4ft, and they lived in an area with tall grass that would reach up to 6ft. They were know for jumping up and down in the grass fields announcing "We're the Fugawi! We're the Fugawi!"

A dude went to the hospital and asked the doc:

Dude: judging by my weight, what's my ideal height doc?
Doc: 20 feet.

A 4'6 woman walks into a matchmaking service…

A 4'6 (137cm) woman walks into a matchmaking service.
She says to the man behind the counter, I'm really insecure about my height, so the only thing I'm looking for in a partner is that he's shorter than me.
The man replies, You've got really low standards.
.
[OC, I think]

Mice

A family of mice were out walking, and were suddenly surprised by a large cat. Father Mouse stood his ground, drew himself up to his full height, and shouted BOW-WOW-WOW!!! at the cat. The cat, alarmed, ran off.
The small mice were very impressed. That was fantastic, Dad! How did you do that?
That, son, explains Father Mouse, demonstrates the value of learning a second language.

Leading entomologists experimenting with ant larvae have reported that while the introduction of milk-born disaccharides increased their height by 31%, it also inhibited tarsus growth by 47%.

The study concluded that the resulting specimens lack toes in taller ants.

I matched with a g**... Tinder

She asked, "how tall are you?"
I replied, "5'10, how much do you weigh?"
She got angry and said, "That's body shaming, it's hard to lose weight!"
I laughed and said, "it's harder for me to gain height!"

Height joke, I matched with a g**... Tinder

jokes about height

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these height jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.