Height Jokes
125 height jokes and hilarious height puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about height that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Enjoy a lighthearted ride through the wacky world of height jokes! We'll explore the heights of stupidity, laziness, confidence, poverty, and difference between couples. Get ready to laugh at jokes ranging from the 6ft tall, all the way to the heights of heights!
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Funniest Height Short Jokes
Short height jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The height humour may include short width jokes also.
- A girl I met on tinder said "don't even bother talking to me if your height starts with 5" Jokes on her, I'm 4'11
- If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height? From my head, tomatoes.
hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving. - What's the difference between tinder and amusement parks? Amusement parks have realistic height requirements.
- As a guy who is 5'7 , I'm surprised guys my height think they're locked out of dating Most ladies' profiles say looking for long term, open to short
- My girlfriend recently started categorizing small animals by height and weight. I'll have to end it with her... She's always critter sizing.
- I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height… Apparently, they didn't like my critter sizing.
- Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh? Meat.
- Why did the paleontologist measure the height of a dinosaur using a T-Rex's foot? Jurassic times call for Jurassic
Measures. - I went to the doctor Today I went to the doctor and asked: Hey, doc, at my weight, what's the optimal height.
He said: 4 meters. - Why does the Coast Guard have a 6 foot height requirement? So when their ship sinks they can walk back to shore.
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Height One Liners
Which height one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with height? I can suggest the ones about size and altitude.
- What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights? A chicken
- Why did the winter solstice bring a ladder to the party? To "reach" new heights of fun.
- I don't want my wife any longer. Her height is perfect.
- Did you know that a pizza with the radius z and the height a... has a volume of pizza?
- Height bullying is no joke. Seriously guys, we need to stop looking down on short people.
- what's the height of trust? two cannibals in a 69
- Some people have a fear of heights. Not me, I have a fear of widths.
- I just measured myself Turns out the height of comedy is 5'4
- How tall is the thermometer's Mecury? Not too big, not to small. It's fair in height.
- What's the height of loneliness? Every time after sneezing, I say "God bless me"
- What's the most exciting height to be? Yay high.
: ^) - What is height of Laziness?
Adopting a child. - I used to have a height complex, But then I grew out of it.
- What is height of Activelaziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk. - Q: What is height of De-hydration?
A: A cow giving milk powder.
Height Of Heights Jokes
Here is a list of funny height of heights jokes and even better height of heights puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Can you jump 6 times your own body height? Cats can Can you take an x-ray of the inside of your own body? Catscan
- An incredible phenomenon of life A pepperoni of radius 'z' and height 'a' has a volume of pi·z·z·a
- GF: I'm leaving you! Me: Is it because I create gf nicknames out of names of kitchen appliances?
GF: No, it's because you're always making fun of my height
Me: You know I love you microbabe! - I wasn't afraid of heights until my significant other told me about her bungee jumping accident I got the fright of my wife.
- A man rejects a girl due to the height difference between them.. The girl: you're selling yourself short you know
- The wife said she was feeling light-headed from a low iron level To help her, I've raised the ironing board to a more suitable height.
- What's a benefit of being the same height as your partner? You share the same perspective on life
- My friend is afraid of heights... I'm more afraid of snakes, but my fear of heights is definitely up there.
- Lady (to her doctor): What l am worried about is my height and not my weight. Doctor: How come?
Lady: According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches. - A dude went to the hospital and asked the doc: Dude: judging by my weight, what's my ideal height doc?
Doc: 20 feet.
Height Difference Jokes
Here is a list of funny height difference jokes and even better height difference puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Height matters For example, a difference in how high the rocket flew determined the years the scientists spent in a labor camp.
- I have a friend that is much taller than me Because of the height difference between us he can see farther than me in a crowd.
He has heightened vision - When I get in the car after my wife had driven it, I only have to flip the center mirror lever. The difference in our height is like night and day.
Average Height Jokes
Here is a list of funny average height jokes and even better average height puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Knowledge is knowing Napoleon.. ... was about the average height for his time.
Wisdom is not putting Napoleon in a fruit salad. - What is the average height of a pothead? 5'8".
Small Height Jokes
Here is a list of funny small height jokes and even better small height puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friend doesn't like it when I make jokes about their small height. I guess they have a short fuse
Comedy Height Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about height you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean depth jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make height pranks.
In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
As I was telling my grandfather goodnight over the phone, he proceeded to tell me "the height of conceit."
Which in his own words:
"You know the height of conceit son? A flea floating on his back down a river, sporting a hard-on, yelling 'OPEN THE DRAWBRIDGE' "
That man.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
Saw some great soviet jokes on here. Here's one from President Reagan...
Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you.
On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a man went down to his local dealership to buy a car. After he had accepted the man's money and the paperwork had been signed, the dealer informed the man that his car would be ready in 10 years and that he could come back then and pick it up.
Taking note of the date, the man turned to leave but paused on his way out the door and asked, "morning or afternoon?"
"It's 10 years from now, what difference does it make?" replied the dealer.
"Well, I'm busy in the morning." said the man.
Confused, the dealer asked, "what could you possibly have planned for the morning ten years from today?"
"The plumber's coming to fix my sink," replied the man.
2 Polish Guys
Were trying to measure the height of a flagpole. They had a tape measure with them and were trying to climb the flagpole, measure in hand. A man walks by and says, "why don't you guys just lay it on the ground and measure it?" One of the Poles replies, "Because we want to measure its height, not length!"
There used to be a machine in the mall to tell if a person is in a good shape or not by measuring weight and height.
My wife asked me one day:If we two do the measurement as a whole, what do you think the machine will respond? I said: Well, if it says "you are fat", it means you are too fat. If it says "you are thin", it means I am too thin. My wife asked: How are about if it comes up with "you are perfect"? I told her: it means I am too thin and you are too fat.
Have you seen the world's biggest thermometer?
I hear it's fair in height
African tribe
There is a tribe in Africa called the faqawi tribe. Their average height is 3 ft tall and the grass where they live is 5 ft tall. They get their name from the sound they make as they jump up and down " Were the faqawi ? were the faqawi ?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
comeback is real!
A professor and a fool
A professor was walking along a very narrow hall when he came face to face with a rival.
The passage way was too narrow for two to pass.
The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said with a sneer,
I never make way for fools!
Smiling, the Gracious Professor stepped aside and with a bow replied, I Always Do.
A farmer was having trouble telling his horses apart.
"I have two horses that I can't tell apart," he tells his friend. "Is there any way you can help me?"
"Shave the mane off one horse," his friend said. "Then you'll know the difference between them."
The farmer did as he was told, but after some time the mane grew back and he couldn't tell the difference anymore.
"This time, give one of them a small cut on its leg," said his friend. "Then you can tell it apart from the other."
The farmer did this again, but the other horse ran into a thorn bush and got a similar cut on its leg.
"Measure their height," said his friend. "One of them must definitely be a bit taller than the other."
The farmer tried it out, and it worked. Ecstatic, he ran back to his friend's house.
"It worked!" he yelled. "The black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
In High School they used to call me Big Tim, but it wasn't because of my height, Ladies ;)....
.....its because I was Morbidly Obese.
My Grandad used to tell me a story about how he once saw a Polar Bear fall from a great height
...He said it was a great ice breaker
*ba-dum-tschh*
Why is height reduction surgery almost always a bad deal?
Because you're guaranteed to get short-changed!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"If I wanted to commit s**...
"If I wanted to commit s**..., I would climb up to the height of your ego and jump down to your IQ level."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish man arrested for domestic a**...
The man has been arrested on the same charge 5 times before.
"Why do you keep beating her p**...?" asked the police officer.
"Well isn't that obvious you idiot?
It is my height and weight advantage coupled with my superior reach and better footwork!"
Height of HOPE:
Sitting in Examination hall
Holding paper in hand
And saying to yourself
.
.
"Don't worry man, Exam will be postponed"
How do furries measure their height?
In furlongs.
Why do people of height hold their alcohol better?
Because they've built up a tall-erance.
How is a tinder profile like an NBA scouting report?
The most important thing is height.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Making fun of a short's person height is cruel and requires no ability...
... one could even say it's the lowest form of humour.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the height of self confidence?
f**... when you have diarrhea.
I heard that there was a guy who could jump twice his height
That's some incredible feat
I realized today I reached my ideal weight years ago.......
I just haven't reached my ideal height of 7'6" yet.
What Is The Height Of Misunderstanding?
A Man Marrying His Own Secretary Thinking That She Will Still Follow His Orders As Before.
Why did the Canadian meteorologists lose to the American meteorologists in basketball?
Because it was unfair in height
I'm loving my new desk. It looks good and is at the perfect working height. I sat down, got myself comfortable and thought..
Yeah I could really get behind this.
A communist joke often told by Ronald Reagan
Two Russian friends were taking a walk downtown during the height of the Soviet Union. The one looks around at his country and says "is this it? Have we achieved peak Communism?"
The other responds "oh, no my friend, it gets much worse."
What did the construction worker say when he was finishing the tip of a skyscraper named after a part of an egg?
I'm at the height of the Yolk now.
One for the Mathematicians
Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flagpole.
They only have a measuring tape, and they have not been able to slide the tape up the pole.
A mathematician asks what they are doing, and they explain.
The solution is easy, she says. She pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it.
After she leaves, one of the engineers says,
That is so typical! We tell a mathematician we need the height – and she gives us the length!
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
People say m**... makes you high
But I've not increased in height, only in width
Women should accept everyone no matter weight or height
Like escorts they don't discriminate
At the height of the Cold War...
At the height of the Cold War, a landmark summit was convened with leaders from every province within the Soviet Union. The representatives arrived very early but the meeting was still delayed. Why?
They were all Russian, but one was Stalin
Note: made this up after being inspired by a recent joke on here.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Women are like rollercoasters.
I tend to observe them from a safe distance, and due to my height they don't work well with me anyway.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I before E, except after C.
We ***feign agreeing***, but this ***foreign poltergeist*** of a rule is ***neither efficient*** nor smart- and ***therein*** lies the ***height*** of the issue. It's as if an ***ancient deity*** has influenced the ***zeitgeist*** of the people. We must remove the ***weight*** of this ***veil*** from ***their*** eyes, and ***forfeit*** the ***leisure*** of this ***weird*** and ***heinous*** rule from our ***science*** and ***leisure*** alike.
I've given up making jokes about my girlfriend's height, because most of them go right over her head.
There was a man who swore he was getting smaller.
Everyday, his height decreases by an inch. Alarmed, he visits the doctor immediately, and asks the secretary to squeeze him in.
"Surely, sir. The doctor will be here any minute. You just have to sit down and be a little patient."
Sharpening my pencil as waist height.
My friend goes "Is it stuck?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man sees a woman crying...
He goes up to her, and asks "why are you crying?"
The woman replies "Everyone keeps saying I'm short..."
He then says "Stand up, let me see your height."
and she says "I *am* standing, idiot!"
They say that height could be a cancer risk
Sounds like a tall story to me
How did the roller coaster parks decide on the acceptable height for children to ride?
Experience.
The only Physics Problem which could not be solved by topper of the class is,
Find the force required to LOWER THE BAR of mass (m) and length (l) which is at a height (h).
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Height of internet addiction!!
*Height of internet addiction*
*At a f**... in church*
*A visitor: What's the WiFi password here?*
*Priest: respect the dead*
*Visitor: all small letters? ???*
Guys, you can't ask a girl her weight!
You have to factor in her height too! Ask for her BMI score. Be smart.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Scientists have found how much w**... it takes to kill a labratory rat..
5 pounds and it has to be dropped on the rat from a great height
My girlfriend is very short and she gets fed up of me making fun of her height.
So tonight I'm going to make it up to her.
I've got a good bottle of wine and a DVD box set of her favorite TV show.
When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favorite takeaway which we'll sit and eat while we drink the wine and watch the DVDs.
Then afterwards I'm going to go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
The Tourist
An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.
Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."
"I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the waiter with typical New York charm. "I can only serve one table at a time."
How much is your height
Indian:- My height is 167cms
European :- My height is 182.5 cms
American :- My height is 1/3675 of a Football field
Pennywise the clown talked to me about the idea of multiplying a prism's length width and height.
It spoke volumes to me.
TIL the government has a minimum height requirement for workers to receive Coronavirus relief payments. I was so angry...
but I'm over it
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Have you heard of the ancient Amazonian tribe known as the Fugawi?
The average height of each adult was about 4ft, and they lived in an area with tall grass that would reach up to 6ft. They were know for jumping up and down in the grass fields announcing "We're the Fugawi! We're the Fugawi!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I know joking about Tom Cruise's height is low-hanging fruit...
but that's all he can reach.
A 4'6 woman walks into a matchmaking service…
A 4'6 (137cm) woman walks into a matchmaking service.
She says to the man behind the counter, I'm really insecure about my height, so the only thing I'm looking for in a partner is that he's shorter than me.
The man replies, You've got really low standards.
.
[OC, I think]
Mice
A family of mice were out walking, and were suddenly surprised by a large cat. Father Mouse stood his ground, drew himself up to his full height, and shouted BOW-WOW-WOW!!! at the cat. The cat, alarmed, ran off.
The small mice were very impressed. That was fantastic, Dad! How did you do that?
That, son, explains Father Mouse, demonstrates the value of learning a second language.
Leading entomologists experimenting with ant larvae have reported that while the introduction of milk-born disaccharides increased their height by 31%, it also inhibited tarsus growth by 47%.
The study concluded that the resulting specimens lack toes in taller ants.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I matched with a g**... Tinder
She asked, "how tall are you?"
I replied, "5'10, how much do you weigh?"
She got angry and said, "That's body shaming, it's hard to lose weight!"
I laughed and said, "it's harder for me to gain height!"
