Heavy Jokes

I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies...

Delivered by crane.

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh , give a weigh, give it a weigh now.

What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.

They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.

"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's big and heavy, the other's a little lighter.

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"

My 93 year old grandfather FTW

We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."

All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.

"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."

What do you call a fat baby?

Heavy infantry

What is heavy forwards and not backwards?

ton

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British



If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German



If they retreat, they're French



If they switch to your side, they're Italian



If they apologize, they're Canadian



If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American

A man takes his dog to the vet...

The vet picks up the dog and looks at him. After a moment he turns to the man. "Sir," he says, "your dog is healthy but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down."

"Why?" the man demanded.

The vet replied, "Because he's heavy."

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

Last night I masturbated over my ex-girlfriend.

I know it's not right, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.

So there were two larger girls at the bar...

I went to the bar and overheard two heavy girls talking with an odd accent.

I asked them, 'Are you two ladies from Scotland?'

One turned to me and said, 'It's Wales, you idiot!'

'Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?'

The widow ask the doctor "Why did my husband die?"

Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am"

Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!"

Doctor: "I know, but I did"

I took my dog to the vet

The vet picked up the dog and examined him and said "I'm sorry, I've got to put him down".

"Why, what's wrong with him?"

"He's too heavy"

What do you call an overweight baby?

Heavy infantry

What's Santa's favourite heavy metal band?

Sleigher

A man takes his dog to the vet to be examined...

The vet picks the dog up, looks it over, and then says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

The man asks why.

"He's heavy."

I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev

from a company called You Crane.

An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car

Aussie: Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.

Operator: What is your location sir?

Aussie:On Eucalyptus Street.

Operator: How do you Spell that sir?

Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute or so...

Operator: Are you there sir?

More heavy breathing and another minute later...

Operator: Sir, can you hear me?

This goes on for another few minutes until...

Operator:Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?

Aussie: Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell
eucalyptus, so I just dragged him around to Oak Street.

2 Big Ladies

So two large ladies with heavy accents walk into a local pub, the guy next to them asked, "Are you two ladies from Scotland?" and they screamed, "WALES!" and then the guy said, "Sorry my bad, are you two whales from Scotland?"

Oh, you!

A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."

A man and his wife are having sex...

...They are going at it hot and heavy, and suddenly they hear a noise. It's their son, little Timmy, standing in the doorway. Shocked, Timmy runs back to his room.

The father goes, "I'll go talk to Timmy."

So he goes to Timmy's room and opens the door; there, he sees Timmy's giving it hot and heavy to grandma!

The father, disturbed, says, "O my god!"

Timmy goes, "Not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"

Elon Musk is reported to have written a short joke on his Falcon Heavy rocket.

I guess the real joke is in the comets.

My favorite joke when I was a kid..

There are four men on a small boat: an Italian, Chinese, American and Mexican.

The boat is too heavy, and begins to sink. The American yells "quick, throw out whatever you have most of in your country!"


The Italian throws out pasta.


The Chinese throws out rice.


The Mexican throws out oranges.


The American throws out the mexican.

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."

What kind of music do wind turbines like?

They seem to be big heavy metal fans.

Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender

As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.

He asks the bartender, *"What's with the gorilla?"*

The bartender says, *"Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"*

*"Sure"*

So the bartender whistles and Mable comes lumbering down the length of the bar.

The bartender pulls out a heavy steel pipe and hits the gorilla in the side of its head. The gorilla drops to its knees and starts giving the bartender a blow job.

*"Wow!"*, says the guy.

The bartender says, *"Pretty amazing, huh? You want to try?"*

The guys says, *"Yeah, sure! Just don't hit me so hard."*

If your car is too heavy

You can always use lighter fuel.

I hurt my shoulder and doctor told me i shouldn't lift anything heavy.

So i'm forced to sit down when i pee.

How heavy is a hipster?

One thousand instagrams

Three men are on a boat back to North America...

A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian are all heading back to their home countries after going on a vacation in Europe. Suddenly the boat starts to sink. The Canadian says, "The boat is too heavy, we need to get rid of some stuff." The Mexican says, "We already have too many of these in Mexico!" and he throws the tacos out of the boat. The Canadian says, "We already have too many of these in Canada!" and he throws all the maple syrup off the boat. The American says, "We already have too many of these in America!" and he throws the Mexican off the boat.

*apoligies for racism, I am not a racist person*

the case for the lost bicycle

A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.

He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"

"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.

"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."

"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"

Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.

"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.

"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

Is it Scotch?

For Christmas, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked,"Champagne?
"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

A Chinese man comes to America...

He brought all of his money over in RMB so he goes to a bank with 1000RMB and asks them to change it into dollars. The teller takes his money and gives him $650.

A week later he's out of cash and goes back to the bank with another 1000RMB. He gives it to the teller and this time he only gets $625 back. Perplexed he asks the teller in a heavy chinese accent.

"Hey, how come last time I get $650 dollar, this time only $625 dollar"

The teller shrugs and says "Fluctuations"

The chinese man flies into a rage and storms out of bank and as he slams the door he turns and yells

"FLUC U AMERICANS TOO"

An older woman is watching the news

When a newscaster cuts in.

"Breaking news! We have reports of a car going the wrong way through heavy traffic on I-85."

The woman knows her husband is travelling, so she calls him up.

"Honey, some idiot's driving the wrong way on I-85. Be careful, please!"

Her husband practically yells back into the phone, "Thanks sweetie, but it's not just one; there's hundreds of them!"

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already...

Woman: Did you just quote Eminem?

Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam!

Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles.

As the crew 
is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back.

"Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours," argues the first hunter.

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down.

Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other.
"Any idea where we are?"

The first replies, "I'd say we're pretty close to where we crashed last time."

Can throwing a round heavy object as far as you can be classed as a sport??

Discus

Vacation in Britain gone wrong

An american man was vacationing around Britain, visiting all the larger cities.

One night he found himself in a bar in Cardiff, having a few drinks and planning out how to spend the next couple of days of his vacation. But he had forgotten his guidebook. So he looked around to see if anyone could help him out.

There weren't many people in the bar. But there were two rather heavy women sitting at a table chatting. So he walked up to them, and asked if they had any tips.
"Excuse me, do either of you ladies know any good tourist spots here in England?"

The two women looked annoyed at the man, and one of them responded, "It's Wales you idiot!"

"I'm sorry, do either of you whales know any good tourist spots in England?"
..And he spent the rest of his vacation at a Hospital.

The doctor said I can't lift anything heavy for the next two weeks

I guess I gotta sit down to pee now

Widow: Doctor, why did my husband die?

Doctor: Heavy drug use, ma'am.

Widow: But he never used drugs in his life!

Doctor: But I do.

Yo momma so heavy

She make memory foam forget!!!!!

A teacher, a nurse, and an Army man were in a hot air balloon.

The balloon was too heavy so each of them dropped something off it. The teacher dropped an apple, the nurse dropped her medical bag, and the Army man drops a grenade. After they land, they go for a walk. They come across a little girl who's crying. They ask her what's wrong and she says an apple fell out of the sky and knocked out her new puppy. Later they come across a little boy who is also crying. They ask him what's wrong and he says a bag fell from the sky and knocked out his new kitten. Then they come across a little girl who's laughing really hard. They ask her what's so funny and she says "I farted and the building behind me blew up!"ο»Ώ

A city slicker moves to the countryside...

... and is visited by his nearest neighbor, the rancher who lives 5 miles distant.

The rancher says, "Welcome to the neighborhood! I'm having a party tomorrow, and you're invited."

The city slicker says, "Well, that's very very neighborly of you. Thank you."

Rancher says, "Though I should warn you, there's a-gonna be some heavy drinkin'."

City slicker says, "That's okay, I've done my share of drinking."

Rancher says, "And there's probably a-gonna be some fightin', too."

City slicker says, "Well... that's okay, I can keep my own peace."

Rancher says, "And there's a-gonna be some sex, too."

City slicker says, "I'm fine with that. So... is there anything I should bring to the party?"

Rancher says, "Naw, it's just a-gonna be you and me."

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle.

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle. The pilot over coms says

"There is to much wait on the plane, someone will have to jump off"

The Brit then goes to the exit of the plane and says,
"For the Queen!"
He then jumps off.

The pilot says
"We are still to heavy, one more person has to jump off"

So the Texan screams "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"
Then trows the Mexican off.

So I started a new band.

We scream aggressively about how broke we are to heavy guitar riffs.

We're called Debt Metal.

A thief stole a sine and a cosine.

He took the two identities to a beach. However, they were too heavy for him to carry. Β He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine.

He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosine - but that resulted in tan! He did not want to get tan. So he stacked cosind over sine...

and then he got cot.

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
Ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ....'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
More heavy breathing and another minute later.
Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'

I masturbated over my ex-wife last night.

I know I shouldn't but I've still got a key and she's a heavy sleeper.

A couple at the nursing home

So two residents at the old age home are about to hook up. They're getting all hot and heavy in the woman's room.

Suddenly, she stops and says to the man, "Before we go any further, I should tell you I have acute angina."

To which the man replies reassuringly, "At my age, I don't care *what* it looks like."

A cop pulls over a car. He walks up, and smells a heavy weed smell. The man turns to him, and his eye are redder than a Coca-Cola can. The cop looks at him and says, "How high are you?!?!?!?"

The driver responds, "He, he. No officer, it's 'Hi, How are you?'"

How do you Measure how Heavy a Red Hot Chili Pepper Is?







Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!

I had to put my dog down today :(

My arms were really tired and he's really heavy. I'm feeling better now so I might pick him up again.

I thought my dog looked a little cross-eyed...

I took my dog to the vet, as I noticed his eyes were strangely crossed. When I got to the office, I told the vet the problem with my dog. He picked up my dog and stared into his eyes for a while. Then he spoke up "I'm going to have to put your dog down." he said. "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" I exclaimed. "No." the vet said "Because he's heavy!"

I'm afraid I had to put my dog down today.

He was getting really heavy and my arms hurt.

Recently, a burglar in Paris...

Recently, a burglar in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his getaway vehicle stalled in the middle of the road. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring crime, and then be caught only a couple blocks away, he replied,

I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

At the train station...

Lady: Excuse me Sir, is this my train?

Conductor: No Ma'am, it belongs to the Railway Station Company.

Lady: Don't be funny. What I'm trying to ask is if I can take this train to Busan.

Conductor: No Ma'am, it's too heavy.

A handsome black guy picks up a woman at the bar

They leave and go back to the woman's place for some drinks and soon things start to get hot and heavy. They start making out and as the black guy is kissing her neck she suddenly shouts out in pleasure, "SHOW ME THAT IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT BLACK MEN!"

So he stabs her and runs off with her purse.

Me: *falls down

Mom: What was that noise?

Me: My shirt fell

Mom: Sounded way to heavy to be a shirt

Me: I was in it when it fell

The captain of a battleship sees a light in the heavy fog...

The captain called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
Back came a signal, "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
The captain said, "Send, I'm a captain, change course 20 degrees."
"I'm a seaman second class," came the reply. "You had better change course 20 degrees."
By that time, the captain was furious. He spat out, "Send, I'm a battleship. Change course 20 degrees."
Back came the flashing light, "I'm a lighthouse."

Do you have any idea how heavy a chili pepper is?

Why don't you go ahead and give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

I don't always listen to heavy metal, but when I do...

...so do the neighbors.

"Mommy, why is my backpack so heavy?"

Allahu Akbar, honey.

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

I washed my car today and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women believe that giving birth must be way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

A Texan man walks into a pub in Ireland.

He clears his throat and announces to the people inside, "Right, I hear y'all's a bunch of heavy drinkers, so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give a cheque for one hundred American dollars to anyone who can drink ten pints of your Guinness back to back".

No one speaks up. Gradually the conversations start back up and one man gets up, picks up his coat and walks out.

20 minutes later he stumbles back in the door, walks up to the Texan and says "Is your wager still good?" "It sure is Paddy!" shouts the Texan, and the barman obligingly pulls ten pints of Guinness and lines them up on the bar. The pub falls silent as Paddy starts.

One

Two

Three

Four

A few people start shouting "Go on Paddy!"

Five

Six

Seven

Eight

By this point the whole pub is chanting his name. He slams the ninth glass down and drains the tenth, holding it up triumphantly. The pub erupts with cheers and the amazed Texan pulls out his chequebook and writes Paddy his cheque. He hands it to him and says "Well I'll be damned, it's true what they say about y'all! By the way, where did you go earlier?"

Paddy replies, "To O'Malley's round the corner to see if I could do it!"

How heavy is a photon?

I don't know, but it's probably light-weight

An Irishman goes to a doctor

Doctor: I'm not completely sure what's bothering you Murphy but it might be because of heavy drinking.

Murphy: Oh don't worry doc, I'll just come back when you're sober

On the first day of school,

.. the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit… She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked,
"Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy...........

"It's a puppy!"

A blonde went to the doctor for birth control...

The doctor asked the customary question, "Are you sexually active?" The blonde responded, "Nope." So the doctor asked, "Well, what do you need birth control for? Heavy period?" The blonde responded, "No, I don't want to get pregnant!"

Puzzled, the doctor clarified, "I thought you said you weren't sexually active?" The blonde responded, "I'm not. I just lie there."

Drunk Biker

A drunk biker wanders into a lesbian bar,

Leaning against the bar orders a beer and says to the bartender "do you wanna hear a good blonde joke "

Now the bartender says " Hey buddy think about this , Your in a our bar , and that woman over there the blonde is a UFC heavy weight champ. That blonde over there is a 4 Dan black belt. That blonde over there is a Olympic boxing champ. Are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke.?"

The biker takes along sip of beer thinks for a sec and replies : Nahhhh not if I gotta explain it 3 times. "

Breaking up with your significant other is like bowling

You carry something heavy going into it, and if it goes as planned, you walk away with an X.

What's green and not heavy?

Light green

SCOTCH ??

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked,
"Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy...

"It's a puppy!"

Maybe it's scotch?

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit…She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

I came back from holiday in India with a really heavy case of diarrhea...

...but they wouldn't let me take it through customs.

I still occasionally fap over my ex

Made a copy of the key to her place when we were together, and she's a heavy sleeper

Three large girls walk into a bar...

They sit down at the bar and try to order a drink. The bartender clearly doesn't understand their heavy accents so a man comes over to try and help. The man says, "excuse me, but are you ladies from Scotland?"

They say, "No! Wales, Wales!"

"Oh my apologies! Are you whales from Scotland?"

I breathe heavy whenever I'm around woman's underwear.

I guess that's why they call them panties.

We have collected gags that can be used as Heavy pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Heavy, here are one liners and funny Heavy pick up lines.

Joko Jokes