Heavy Jokes
153 heavy jokes and hilarious heavy puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about heavy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
A humorous selection of jokes featuring words with the prefix "heavy," such as breathing heavy, heavy metal, heavy equipment operator, heavy equipment, heavy rain, heavy lifting, massive, lighten, heavyweight, and more. These jokes are sure to lighten up your day and make you laugh!
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Funniest Heavy Short Jokes
Short heavy jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The heavy humour may include short weight jokes also.
- I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy. I just handed in my too weak notice.
- How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is? Give it a weigh , give a weigh, give it a weigh now.
- The only reason there are pyramids in Egypt is because they are too heavy to be carried to the british Museum
- What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's big and heavy, the other's a little lighter.
- Why the great pyramid are in Egypt? Because they were to heavy too carry of to the British museum.
- My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week. We buried him with a heavy heart.
- If Will Smith, Amber Heard, and chris brown formed a band, what would its name be? The Heavy Hitters.
- The widow ask the doctor "Why did my husband die?" Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am"
Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!"
Doctor: "I know, but I did" - I took my dog to the vet The vet picked up the dog and examined him and said "I'm sorry, I've got to put him down".
"Why, what's wrong with him?"
"He's too heavy" - A man takes his dog to the vet to be examined... The vet picks the dog up, looks it over, and then says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
The man asks why.
"He's heavy."
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Heavy One Liners
Which heavy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with heavy? I can suggest the ones about huge and strong.
- Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies... Delivered by crane.
- Why did eminem kneel at the half time show? His knees were weak, and arms were heavy.
- EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy WEB MD: Cancer.
- I like my women like I like my snow Heavy & wet
- What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.
- What do you call a heavy metal band With financial problems? Megadebt
- What's green and not heavy? Light green.
- Forward, it's heavy. Backwards, it's not. What is it? A ton
- What's a group of chubby newborns called? Heavy Infantry
- What's Santa's favourite heavy metal band? Sleigher
- I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev from a company called You Crane.
- My friend asked me once "is Aurora Borealis heavy?" Said no it's pretty light
- If your car is too heavy You can always use lighter fuel.
- How heavy is a hipster? One thousand instagrams
- Can throwing a round heavy object as far as you can be classed as a sport?? Discus
Heavy Metal Jokes
Here is a list of funny heavy metal jokes and even better heavy metal puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So I started a new band. We scream aggressively about how broke we are to heavy guitar riffs.
We're called Debt Metal. - I don't always listen to heavy metal, but when I do... ...so do the neighbors.
- Did you hear about that new heavy metal themed sandwich shop? It's called Pantera Bread
- The death count nears 50 after scaffolding collapses and crushes fans at a rock music festival... Eye-witnesses say there was a lot of heavy metal.
- The plane turbine says to the candy... "What kind of music do you listen to?"
The candy says "Oh, I'm into rap. What about you?"
The turbine says "I'm a big heavy metal fan." - did you hear about the guy stuck in a heavy metal box? don't worry, he's safe now.
- Why can't you improve the efficiency of wind farms by playing country music around them? Because they're really just big heavy metal fans.
- I just listened to a heavy metal band singing about norse gods Now that's what I call Ragna-rock!
- What kind of music do mercury, arsenic and lead listen to? Heavy metal.
- Why didn't the green onion enjoy the heavy metal concert? He was more of a rap scallion.
Heavy Lifting Jokes
Here is a list of funny heavy lifting jokes and even better heavy lifting puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I hurt my shoulder and doctor told me i shouldn't lift anything heavy. So i'm forced to sit down when i pee.
- Does heavy lifting make you dumb? Yes
Cause counting to 10 has never been this hard before - Why couldnt Elon Musk lift the box? Its was too falcon heavy
I'm sorry - I lifted my 100KG weights ten times today That was a ton of heavy lifting
- I asked my couch-potato wife to go to the gym to do some lifting with me She philosophically retort: "Why should I? The burden of life is already too heavy."
Me: "Indeed you are." - I tried making money flipping houses. but they were to heavy for me to even lift.
- What boots do you wear when lifting a heavy object? UGGH!!!! boots (say it with a constipated voice)
Breathing Heavy Jokes
Here is a list of funny breathing heavy jokes and even better breathing heavy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is Darth Vader's favorite snack? (Breathe heavy for effect)
"Coooo-Keees" - I turned back to my little brother and yelled "HURRY, CANE!!!!" And with much heavy breathing he replied "I'm sorry! I'm just not able!!!"
- A boy asked a girl, what about, You and me,
Tomorrow night,
Side by side,
Hot and sweaty,
Breathing heavy.
So, whadya say, wanna go jogging or not? - What type of heavy breathing do you hear during yoga? Yoga pants
Heavy Sleeper Jokes
Here is a list of funny heavy sleeper jokes and even better heavy sleeper puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I still occasionally fap over my ex Made a copy of the key to her place when we were together, and she's a heavy sleeper
- My wife said she cheated on me Too bad I'm a heavy sleeper, I couldn't feel them all night.
- I'm such a heavy sleeper that i still wouldn't wake up even if you... shot me in the face
Fun-Filled Heavy Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about heavy you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hefty jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make heavy pranks.
I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"
Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."
My 93 year old grandfather FTW
We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."
All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.
"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."
51 Danes and 50 Norwegians were on a plane...
With no floor, and the passengers were hanging on a strap attached to the roof. The captain yelled: "The plane is too heavy! One of you have to fall to your death!" A Dane raised his hand and said: "I'll do it". Then all the Norwegians clapped their hands.
Oh, you!
A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."
the case for the lost bicycle
A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.
He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"
"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.
"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."
"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"
Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.
"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.
"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."
A couple at the nursing home
So two residents at the old age home are about to hook up. They're getting all hot and heavy in the woman's room.
Suddenly, she stops and says to the man, "Before we go any further, I should tell you I have acute angina."
To which the man replies reassuringly, "At my age, I don't care *what* it looks like."
I came back from holiday in India with a really heavy case of diarrhea...
...but they wouldn't let me take it through customs.
A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...
after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.
"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.
"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"
Having a chemistry teacher with a heavy Chinese accent is okay until...
Having a chemistry teacher with a heavy Chinese accent is okay until he tries to explain the difference between molarity and molality...
What is it called when a heavy gambler goes on vacation?
Paradice...
Three men are on a boat back to North America...
A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian are all heading back to their home countries after going on a vacation in Europe. Suddenly the boat starts to sink. The Canadian says, "The boat is too heavy, we need to get rid of some stuff." The Mexican says, "We already have too many of these in Mexico!" and he throws the tacos out of the boat. The Canadian says, "We already have too many of these in Canada!" and he throws all the maple syrup off the boat. The American says, "We already have too many of these in America!" and he throws the Mexican off the boat.
*apoligies for racism, I am not a racist person*
My favorite joke when I was a kid..
There are four men on a small boat: an Italian, Chinese, American and Mexican.
The boat is too heavy, and begins to sink. The American yells "quick, throw out whatever you have most of in your country!"
The Italian throws out pasta.
The Chinese throws out rice.
The Mexican throws out oranges.
The American throws out the mexican.
Kosher Deli
A man walks into a Kosher Deli in New York City and steps up to the counter.
"I would like zee bagel und lox please." He says in a heavy German accent.
The man pays, sits down with his food, and is clearly enjoying it. When he's done he walks up to the counter again and says, "Zat vas amazing. I can't get food like zat back home."
The guy behind the counter looks at him disapprovingly and says, "Now whose fault is that?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
His palms are sweaty...
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's v**... on his sweater already.
WebMD: *TYPHOID FEVER*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last night I m**... over my ex-girlfriend.
I know it's not right, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.
Measure of Attributes
Endurance is being able withstand having tomatoes thrown at you
Strength is being able to throw a heavy tomato
Agility is being able to dodge thrown tomatoes
Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit
Wisdom is knowing not to put a tomato in a fruit salad
Charisma is being able to sell a tomato-based fruit salad.
"Mommy, why is my backpack so heavy?"
Allahu Akbar, honey.
Breaking up with your significant other is like bowling
You carry something heavy going into it, and if it goes as planned, you walk away with an X.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's v**... on his sweater already...
Woman: Did you just quote Eminem?
Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam!
How heavy is a photon?
I don't know, but it's probably light-weight
An Englishman walks into a pub in London
As he approaches the bar he hears two women speaking with heavy accents.
"Are you ladies from Scotland?" He asks.
"It's Wales, actually!" One of the woman replies.
"Sorry." says the man "Are you whales from Scotland?"
A man comes home from work and says to his flat mate
"I told you not to try to move the fridge by yourself, its too heavy!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender
As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.
He asks the bartender, *"What's with the gorilla?"*
The bartender says, *"Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"*
*"Sure"*
So the bartender whistles and Mable comes lumbering down the length of the bar.
The bartender pulls out a heavy steel pipe and hits the gorilla in the side of its head. The gorilla drops to its knees and starts giving the bartender a b**....
*"Wow!"*, says the guy.
The bartender says, *"Pretty amazing, huh? You want to try?"*
The guys says, *"Yeah, sure! Just don't hit me so hard."*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you have any idea how heavy a chili pepper is?
Why don't you go ahead and give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle.
A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle. The pilot over coms says
"There is to much wait on the plane, someone will have to jump off"
The Brit then goes to the exit of the plane and says,
"For the Queen!"
He then jumps off.
The pilot says
"We are still to heavy, one more person has to jump off"
So the Texan screams "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"
Then trows the Mexican off.
At the train station...
Lady: Excuse me Sir, is this my train?
Conductor: No Ma'am, it belongs to the Railway Station Company.
Lady: Don't be funny. What I'm trying to ask is if I can take this train to Busan.
Conductor: No Ma'am, it's too heavy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors
If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British
If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German
If they retreat, they're French
If they switch to your side, they're Italian
If they apologize, they're Canadian
If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you know? There is a species of frog in Alaska
There is a species of frog in Alaska that freezes during the winter and while frozen, the frog stops breathing, its heart stops beating, its palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's v**... on its sweater already, mom's spaghetti.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde went to the doctor for birth control...
The doctor asked the customary question, "Are you s**... active?" The blonde responded, "Nope." So the doctor asked, "Well, what do you need birth control for? Heavy period?" The blonde responded, "No, I don't want to get pregnant!"
Puzzled, the doctor clarified, "I thought you said you weren't s**... active?" The blonde responded, "I'm not. I just lie there."
I tried to be a gentleman by picking up something heavy for a lady
But she ended up getting mad at me in front of everyone at the gym
The Falcon Heavy is now the world's most powerful rocket
The Falcon Heavy can put around 140,000 pounds of cargo into lower Earth orbit, more than twice as much weight as any other operational rocket. This powerful vehicle could open up entirely new types of business for SpaceX: launching heavy national security satellites or even sending large modules or your mom into deep space.
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.
"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace.
"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."
Why did the heavyset mermaid wear a turtleneck?
So you wouldn't sea urchins!
Elon Musk is reported to have written a short joke on his Falcon Heavy rocket.
I guess the real joke is in the comets.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call an overweight baby?
Heavy infantry
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Your mom is like a bowling ball.
She's round, heavy, gets picked up, fingered in three holes, tossed in the gutter and she still comes back for more.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I breathe heavy whenever I'm around woman's underwear.
I guess that's why they call them p**....
An Irishman goes to a doctor
Doctor: I'm not completely sure what's bothering you Murphy but it might be because of heavy drinking.
Murphy: Oh don't worry doc, I'll just come back when you're sober
A thief stole a sine and a cosine.
He took the two identities to a beach. However, they were too heavy for him to carry. He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine.
He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosine - but that resulted in tan! He did not want to get tan. So he stacked cosind over sine...
and then he got cot.
First time I held a Zippo I was surprised by how heavy it was
I figured it would be lighter
An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car
Aussie: Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.
Operator: What is your location sir?
Aussie:On Eucalyptus Street.
Operator: How do you Spell that sir?
Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute or so...
Operator: Are you there sir?
More heavy breathing and another minute later...
Operator: Sir, can you hear me?
This goes on for another few minutes until...
Operator:Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?
Aussie: Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell
eucalyptus, so I just dragged him around to Oak Street.
I had to put my dog down today :(
My arms were really tired and he's really heavy. I'm feeling better now so I might pick him up again.
A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls.
The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.
Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.
The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: For best results, put on two coats.
A family takes their sick dog to the vet.
The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."
"Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?"
"Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."
Old Man sitting on his porch a kid walks by dragging a heavy steal chain.
The old man say, Hey Kid why are you dragging that chain around ?
The kid says, Have you ever tried to push one
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy has been chatting to a pretty Chinese girl in a bar and offers to take her home.
At her place things are starting to get hot and heavy, especially when she says "So, anything you really really like?". He decides to go for it and says "I'd love a 69."
She turns bright red, slaps his face and says "You b**... men all the same...
"I'm not cooking beef and broccoli at this time of night!"
A farmer posted on his local subreddit that he was looking to hire help to fix his fence...
The farmer's wife asked him, Why would you look to hire someone from the internet? Surely they will not be up to the physical demands of lifting and setting these heavy fence posts!
The Farmer replied We need a professional, and I heard that there is no one more experienced than a Redditor at re-posting.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with v**... on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.
A Day Off
An man goes to see his boss..
Boss, he says, we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff.
COVID has us short-handed, the boss replies. I can't afford to give anyone a day off.
The man says, Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!
The machine we use to weigh heavy machinery broke today and we had to call in specialists from all over the world to fix it
It was a large scale operation
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I heard a man died on the toilet after eating 2 dumbbells
Thats some heavy s**... (sorry)
In order for The Mandalorian's ship to take off he had to ensure his crew and cargo wasn't too heavy.
This is the weigh.
My friend just sent me a phenomenal joke and I'm mad at her for being funnier than I am. Suffer with me.
Two guys are walking through the debris of a terrible accident. There are decaying bodies all around. The air is heavy and foreboding. The stench is putrid.
One of them starts having a coughing fit because the smell is so overwhelming. The other guy goes, hey are you alright? What's with all the coughing? Do you need your inhaler?
The coughing guy goes it's miasma....
The vet said she will put the dog down.
"But why?!" exclaimed the owner.
"Because he's heavy." explained the dogtor.
-taken from a cat calendar.
In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....
I should mind my own bismuth.
My son lost a youth baseball game because of heavy rain...
...he received a precipitation trophy
Butane really is a magical substance
It's a heavy liquid but a lighter fluid
