The Best 88 Heavy Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Heavy jokes. There are some heavy intense jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these heavy flannel puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Heavy Jokes and Puns

I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

My 93 year old grandfather FTW

We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."

All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.

"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."

Oh, you!

A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."

Heavy joke, Oh, you!

the case for the lost bicycle

A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.

He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"

"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.

"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."

"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"

Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.

"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.

"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

A couple at the nursing home

So two residents at the old age home are about to hook up. They're getting all hot and heavy in the woman's room.

Suddenly, she stops and says to the man, "Before we go any further, I should tell you I have acute angina."

To which the man replies reassuringly, "At my age, I don't care *what* it looks like."


I came back from holiday in India with a really heavy case of diarrhea...

...but they wouldn't let me take it through customs.

A handsome black guy picks up a woman at the bar

They leave and go back to the woman's place for some drinks and soon things start to get hot and heavy. They start making out and as the black guy is kissing her neck she suddenly shouts out in pleasure, "SHOW ME THAT IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT BLACK MEN!"

So he stabs her and runs off with her purse.

Heavy joke, A handsome black guy picks up a woman at the bar

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"

So there were two larger girls at the bar...

I went to the bar and overheard two heavy girls talking with an odd accent.

I asked them, 'Are you two ladies from Scotland?'

One turned to me and said, 'It's Wales, you idiot!'

'Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?'

I took my dog to the vet

The vet picked up the dog and examined him and said "I'm sorry, I've got to put him down".

"Why, what's wrong with him?"

"He's too heavy"

Three men are on a boat back to North America...

A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian are all heading back to their home countries after going on a vacation in Europe. Suddenly the boat starts to sink. The Canadian says, "The boat is too heavy, we need to get rid of some stuff." The Mexican says, "We already have too many of these in Mexico!" and he throws the tacos out of the boat. The Canadian says, "We already have too many of these in Canada!" and he throws all the maple syrup off the boat. The American says, "We already have too many of these in America!" and he throws the Mexican off the boat.

*apoligies for racism, I am not a racist person*

You can explore heavy heavyweight reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean heavy turbulence dad jokes. There are also heavy puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


An older woman is watching the news

When a newscaster cuts in.

"Breaking news! We have reports of a car going the wrong way through heavy traffic on I-85."

The woman knows her husband is travelling, so she calls him up.

"Honey, some idiot's driving the wrong way on I-85. Be careful, please!"

Her husband practically yells back into the phone, "Thanks sweetie, but it's not just one; there's hundreds of them!"

What's Santa's favourite heavy metal band?

Sleigher

My favorite joke when I was a kid..

There are four men on a small boat: an Italian, Chinese, American and Mexican.

The boat is too heavy, and begins to sink. The American yells "quick, throw out whatever you have most of in your country!"

The Italian throws out pasta.

The Chinese throws out rice.

The Mexican throws out oranges.

The American throws out the mexican.

A cop pulls over a car. He walks up, and smells a heavy weed smell. The man turns to him, and his eye are redder than a Coca-Cola can. The cop looks at him and says, "How high are you?!?!?!?"

The driver responds, "He, he. No officer, it's 'Hi, How are you?'"

A man and his wife are having sex...

...They are going at it hot and heavy, and suddenly they hear a noise. It's their son, little Timmy, standing in the doorway. Shocked, Timmy runs back to his room.

The father goes, "I'll go talk to Timmy."

So he goes to Timmy's room and opens the door; there, he sees Timmy's giving it hot and heavy to grandma!

The father, disturbed, says, "O my god!"

Timmy goes, "Not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"

Heavy joke, A man and his wife are having sex...

A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.

They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.

"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

I thought my dog looked a little cross-eyed...

I took my dog to the vet, as I noticed his eyes were strangely crossed. When I got to the office, I told the vet the problem with my dog. He picked up my dog and stared into his eyes for a while. Then he spoke up "I'm going to have to put your dog down." he said. "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" I exclaimed. "No." the vet said "Because he's heavy!"

Last night I masturbated over my ex-girlfriend.

I know it's not right, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.


What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev

from a company called You Crane.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's big and heavy, the other's a little lighter.

2 Big Ladies

So two large ladies with heavy accents walk into a local pub, the guy next to them asked, "Are you two ladies from Scotland?" and they screamed, "WALES!" and then the guy said, "Sorry my bad, are you two whales from Scotland?"

A man takes his dog to the vet...

The vet picks up the dog and looks at him. After a moment he turns to the man. "Sir," he says, "your dog is healthy but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down."

"Why?" the man demanded.

The vet replied, "Because he's heavy."

"Mommy, why is my backpack so heavy?"

Allahu Akbar, honey.

Three large girls walk into a bar...

They sit down at the bar and try to order a drink. The bartender clearly doesn't understand their heavy accents so a man comes over to try and help. The man says, "excuse me, but are you ladies from Scotland?"

They say, "No! Wales, Wales!"

"Oh my apologies! Are you whales from Scotland?"

Breaking up with your significant other is like bowling

You carry something heavy going into it, and if it goes as planned, you walk away with an X.

If your car is too heavy

You can always use lighter fuel.

What's green and not heavy?

Light green

The widow ask the doctor "Why did my husband die?"

Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am"

Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!"

Doctor: "I know, but I did"

How heavy is a hipster?

One thousand instagrams

I still occasionally fap over my ex

Made a copy of the key to her place when we were together, and she's a heavy sleeper

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already...

Woman: Did you just quote Eminem?

Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam!

I hurt my shoulder and doctor told me i shouldn't lift anything heavy.

So i'm forced to sit down when i pee.

What is heavy forwards and not backwards?

ton

How heavy is a photon?

I don't know, but it's probably light-weight

Recently, a burglar in Paris...

Recently, a burglar in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his getaway vehicle stalled in the middle of the road. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring crime, and then be caught only a couple blocks away, he replied,

I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

A man takes his dog to the vet to be examined...

The vet picks the dog up, looks it over, and then says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

The man asks why.

"He's heavy."

Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender

As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.

He asks the bartender, *"What's with the gorilla?"*

The bartender says, *"Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"*

*"Sure"*

So the bartender whistles and Mable comes lumbering down the length of the bar.

The bartender pulls out a heavy steel pipe and hits the gorilla in the side of its head. The gorilla drops to its knees and starts giving the bartender a blow job.

*"Wow!"*, says the guy.

The bartender says, *"Pretty amazing, huh? You want to try?"*

The guys says, *"Yeah, sure! Just don't hit me so hard."*

Yo momma so heavy

She make memory foam forget!!!!!

Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies...

Delivered by crane.

How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh , give a weigh, give it a weigh now.

Do you have any idea how heavy a chili pepper is?

Why don't you go ahead and give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle.

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle. The pilot over coms says

"There is to much wait on the plane, someone will have to jump off"

The Brit then goes to the exit of the plane and says,
"For the Queen!"
He then jumps off.

The pilot says
"We are still to heavy, one more person has to jump off"

So the Texan screams "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"
Then trows the Mexican off.

At the train station...

Lady: Excuse me Sir, is this my train?

Conductor: No Ma'am, it belongs to the Railway Station Company.

Lady: Don't be funny. What I'm trying to ask is if I can take this train to Busan.

Conductor: No Ma'am, it's too heavy.

I'm afraid I had to put my dog down today.

He was getting really heavy and my arms hurt.

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

What do you call a fat baby?

Heavy infantry

Can throwing a round heavy object as far as you can be classed as a sport??

Discus

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British

If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German

If they retreat, they're French

If they switch to your side, they're Italian

If they apologize, they're Canadian

If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American

I don't always listen to heavy metal, but when I do...

...so do the neighbors.

A blonde went to the doctor for birth control...

The doctor asked the customary question, "Are you sexually active?" The blonde responded, "Nope." So the doctor asked, "Well, what do you need birth control for? Heavy period?" The blonde responded, "No, I don't want to get pregnant!"

Puzzled, the doctor clarified, "I thought you said you weren't sexually active?" The blonde responded, "I'm not. I just lie there."

What kind of music do wind turbines like?

They seem to be big heavy metal fans.

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."

Elon Musk is reported to have written a short joke on his Falcon Heavy rocket.

I guess the real joke is in the comets.

What do you call an overweight baby?

Heavy infantry

So I started a new band.

We scream aggressively about how broke we are to heavy guitar riffs.

We're called Debt Metal.

The doctor said I can't lift anything heavy for the next two weeks

I guess I gotta sit down to pee now

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

An Irishman goes to a doctor

Doctor: I'm not completely sure what's bothering you Murphy but it might be because of heavy drinking.

Murphy: Oh don't worry doc, I'll just come back when you're sober

I masturbated over my ex-wife last night.

I know I shouldn't but I've still got a key and she's a heavy sleeper.

A thief stole a sine and a cosine.

He took the two identities to a beach. However, they were too heavy for him to carry. Β He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine.

He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosine - but that resulted in tan! He did not want to get tan. So he stacked cosind over sine...

and then he got cot.

How do you Measure how Heavy a Red Hot Chili Pepper Is?







Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!

Widow: Doctor, why did my husband die?

Doctor: Heavy drug use, ma'am.

Widow: But he never used drugs in his life!

Doctor: But I do.

Me: *falls down

Mom: What was that noise?

Me: My shirt fell

Mom: Sounded way to heavy to be a shirt

Me: I was in it when it fell

An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car

Aussie: Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.

Operator: What is your location sir?

Aussie:On Eucalyptus Street.

Operator: How do you Spell that sir?

Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute or so...

Operator: Are you there sir?

More heavy breathing and another minute later...

Operator: Sir, can you hear me?

This goes on for another few minutes until...

Operator:Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?

Aussie: Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell
eucalyptus, so I just dragged him around to Oak Street.

I had to put my dog down today :(

My arms were really tired and he's really heavy. I'm feeling better now so I might pick him up again.

A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls.

The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.

Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.

The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: For best results, put on two coats.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A hippos really heavy, and a Zippos a little lighter.

What's the difference between a hippo, a zippo, and a stick of glue?

One is a heavy mammal and one is a little lighter.

A family takes their sick dog to the vet.

The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."

"Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."

Rapper Eminem has tested positive for COVID-19

In a statement released by doctors, it has been been revealed the following symptoms: his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Not to mention that there was vomit on his sweater already.

Initial testing suggests that the cause is: Mom's Spaghetti.

Whats blue and isn't heavy?

Light blue

Old Man sitting on his porch a kid walks by dragging a heavy steal chain.

The old man say, Hey Kid why are you dragging that chain around ?

The kid says, Have you ever tried to push one

A guy has been chatting to a pretty Chinese girl in a bar and offers to take her home.

At her place things are starting to get hot and heavy, especially when she says "So, anything you really really like?". He decides to go for it and says "I'd love a 69."

She turns bright red, slaps his face and says "You bloody men all the same...

"I'm not cooking beef and broccoli at this time of night!"

Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

A farmer posted on his local subreddit that he was looking to hire help to fix his fence...

The farmer's wife asked him, Why would you look to hire someone from the internet? Surely they will not be up to the physical demands of lifting and setting these heavy fence posts!

The Farmer replied We need a professional, and I heard that there is no one more experienced than a Redditor at re-posting.

How do you find out how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is??

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!!

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

A Day Off

An man goes to see his boss..

Boss, he says, we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff.

COVID has us short-handed, the boss replies. I can't afford to give anyone a day off.

The man says, Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!

The machine we use to weigh heavy machinery broke today and we had to call in specialists from all over the world to fix it

It was a large scale operation

I heard a man died on the toilet after eating 2 dumbbells

Thats some heavy shit (sorry)

The other day I saw this huge crowd of dodgy looking people lining up at the local morgue, they were all leaving with these big heavy looking bags over their shoulders. I could just tell something illegal was going on.

It was a dead giveaway

Is that chandelier heavy ?

Or is it pretty light ?

In order for The Mandalorian's ship to take off he had to ensure his crew and cargo wasn't too heavy.

This is the weigh.

How can you tell how heavy a chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!

What do you call a drummer in a heavy metal band who doesn't have a girlfriend?

Homeless

My friend just sent me a phenomenal joke and I'm mad at her for being funnier than I am. Suffer with me.

Two guys are walking through the debris of a terrible accident. There are decaying bodies all around. The air is heavy and foreboding. The stench is putrid.

One of them starts having a coughing fit because the smell is so overwhelming. The other guy goes, hey are you alright? What's with all the coughing? Do you need your inhaler?

The coughing guy goes it's miasma....

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the heavy tonne jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working heavy heavily piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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