heavy Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious heavy stories

What are the best Heavy puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Heavy? Well here is a complete list of Heavy dad jokes:

A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"


I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."


A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"


My 93 year old grandfather FTW

We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."

All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.

"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."


A man takes his dog to the vet...

He says to the vet
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, 'let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"


A Chinese man comes to America...

He brought all of his money over in RMB so he goes to a bank with 1000RMB and asks them to change it into dollars. The teller takes his money and gives him $650.

A week later he's out of cash and goes back to the bank with another 1000RMB. He gives it to the teller and this time he only gets $625 back. Perplexed he asks the teller in a heavy chinese accent.

"Hey, how come last time I get $650 dollar, this time only $625 dollar"

The teller shrugs and says "Fluctuations"

The chinese man flies into a rage and storms out of bank and as he slams the door he turns and yells



A man stumbles home from a night of heavy drinking at the pub...

He finds his marital home empty and in darkness. In the kitchen, whilst going for another beer, he spots a note left on the fridge door.

"I'm sorry. I'm staying at my parents for now.
This isn't working anymore."

The man, curious, opens the fridge to get his beer and is greeted with the usual light and cool air.

"...what the fuck is she talking about?!"


So there were two larger girls at the bar...

I went to the bar and overheard two heavy girls talking with an odd accent.

I asked them, 'Are you two ladies from Scotland?'

One turned to me and said, 'It's Wales, you idiot!'

'Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?'


Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles.

As the crew 
is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back.

"Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours," argues the first hunter.

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down.

Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other.
"Any idea where we are?"

The first replies, "I'd say we're pretty close to where we crashed last time."


I took my dog to the vet

The vet picked up the dog and examined him and said "I'm sorry, I've got to put him down".

"Why, what's wrong with him?"

"He's too heavy"


What's Santa's favourite heavy metal band?



What's blue and not heavy?

...Light blue


Maybe it's scotch?

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit…She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"


Oh, you!

A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."


What is heavy forward but not backward?



"The watch"

My dad just reminded me of this old classic!

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolitan areas. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice said something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution, map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs, says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -" "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries.


An Irishman at the bar. Heavy NPR listeners might have heard this one.

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."

He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."

"Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."

"But ya fuck one goat.."


Norwegians like to joke about the inferior intellect of our Swedish neighbors. This is my favorite joke:

A Norwegian is sitting at the bar and enjoying a nice drink. He turns to the large muscle man sitting by his side and asks: "Do you wan't to hear a joke about the swedes?"

The man replies: "Well, buddy, before you tell that joke I'd like you to know this: I am the current Swedish heavy weight boxing champion. The guy next to me won the Swedish wrestling championship five times and the guy sitting next to him represented Sweden in the Olympic games as a weight lifter. Are you absolutely sure you wan't to tell that joke?"

The Norwegian thinks for a few seconds and replies: "Meh, Not if I have to explain the joke THREE times."


My favorite joke when I was a kid..

There are four men on a small boat: an Italian, Chinese, American and Mexican.

The boat is too heavy, and begins to sink. The American yells "quick, throw out whatever you have most of in your country!"

The Italian throws out pasta.

The Chinese throws out rice.

The Mexican throws out oranges.

The American throws out the mexican.


Why do you think this joke is funny?

A white woman and a black man are dancing at a club, and after a while things start to get hot and heavy. After some heavy kissing and petting, the woman makes the suggestion that they return to her apartment for the night.

When the couple arrives at the woman's apartment, they begin passionately kissing and undressing each other, preparing to have frenzied and unrepentant sex with each other.

However, the white woman, curious as she was, asked the black guy as he was taking off his pants, "before you take them off....is it true what they say about black guys?"

With a suave yet sinister look, he looked into her eyes and said "baby, of course." He then proceeded to stab her and ran out with her purse.

**Do you think this joke is funny or not? Why**

FYI- I am black and I think this joke is hilarious.


Three men are on a boat back to North America...

A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian are all heading back to their home countries after going on a vacation in Europe. Suddenly the boat starts to sink. The Canadian says, "The boat is too heavy, we need to get rid of some stuff." The Mexican says, "We already have too many of these in Mexico!" and he throws the tacos out of the boat. The Canadian says, "We already have too many of these in Canada!" and he throws all the maple syrup off the boat. The American says, "We already have too many of these in America!" and he throws the Mexican off the boat.

*apoligies for racism, I am not a racist person*


An older woman is watching the news

When a newscaster cuts in.

"Breaking news! We have reports of a car going the wrong way through heavy traffic on I-85."

The woman knows her husband is travelling, so she calls him up.

"Honey, some idiot's driving the wrong way on I-85. Be careful, please!"

Her husband practically yells back into the phone, "Thanks sweetie, but it's not just one; there's hundreds of them!"


So a guy is sunbathing nude......

as he has a very hot date later in the evening. He over sleeps and gets a terrible sunburn on his front side. He applies all of the lotion he can and heads off to the date. The couple has a great dinner and they head back to his place. The two are making out pretty heavy and she is grinding on his burnt penis pretty hard. The pain is unbearable and he has to stop so he can try and medicate his pecker. He runs into the kitchen, pours a tall glass of milk and promptly sticks his entire dick in it. Soon the date walks in, sees what he is doing and shouts "So thats how you guys load that thing!"


A husband and wife come home one night and decide to make love...

They go to the bedroom, take each others clothes off, and start to get it on. Things were starting to get hot and heavy, the husband suddenly freezes in place. The wife said "Honey, what the fuck are you doing?". The husband replied "I wanted to try this technique I saw in a porno one time, it's called buffering".


A guy walks into a bar.......

and there are two heavy set women having a conversation and they are speaking in a particular accent that he thinks he recognizes. So he asks the women " Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?" The one woman replies: "You fucking idiot, it's Wales." To which he replies: "I'm sorry, are you whales from Scotland?" That's when the lights went out.


A cop pulls over a car. He walks up, and smells a heavy weed smell. The man turns to him, and his eye are redder than a Coca-Cola can. The cop looks at him and says, "How high are you?!?!?!?"

The driver responds, "He, he. No officer, it's 'Hi, How are you?'"


A couple at the nursing home

So two residents at the old age home are about to hook up. They're getting all hot and heavy in the woman's room.

Suddenly, she stops and says to the man, "Before we go any further, I should tell you I have acute angina."

To which the man replies reassuringly, "At my age, I don't care *what* it looks like."


A handsome black guy picks up a woman at the bar

They leave and go back to the woman's place for some drinks and soon things start to get hot and heavy. They start making out and as the black guy is kissing her neck she suddenly shouts out in pleasure, "SHOW ME THAT IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT BLACK MEN!"

So he stabs her and runs off with her purse.


My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy

So now I have to sit down to pee.


Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

I washed my car today and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women believe that giving birth must be way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."


Hungover with shaky hands

A guy calls his friend in the morning with a hangover after a night of heavy drinking. The guy goes "Man, I can't remember anything from last night. And I am so hungover my hands keep shaking like crazy. When I went to the kitchen to drink some water I broke three glasses because I can't hold them." And his friend replies "That's nothing man, I just went to the bathroom to pee, but I ended up cumming twice."


Never make fun of a heavy girl with a lisp.

She is thick and tired of it.


Why did Moby Dick join a heavy metal band?

He could really whale.


I came back from holiday in India with a really heavy case of diarrhea...

...but they wouldn't let me take it through customs.


Two windmills are out in a field...

...and one says to the other: "What kind of music do you listen to?"

The other replies: "I'm a big heavy metal fan."


Kosher Deli

A man walks into a Kosher Deli in New York City and steps up to the counter.

"I would like zee bagel und lox please." He says in a heavy German accent.

The man pays, sits down with his food, and is clearly enjoying it. When he's done he walks up to the counter again and says, "Zat vas amazing. I can't get food like zat back home."

The guy behind the counter looks at him disapprovingly and says, "Now whose fault is that?"


A man and his son stumble upon two dogs humping...

When the little boy asks his dad what the dogs are doing, he explains that they're making puppies.

Later that night, the man and his wife are going at it hot and heavy in the bedroom. The little boy stumbles in unannounced. In a panic, the parents hurriedly gather themselves.

The boy asks, "daddy, what are you and mommy doing?"

"Well..." his father says, "we were making babies, son."

"Quick, dad," the boy shouts. "Roll her over! I'd rather have puppies."


51 Danes and 50 Norwegians were on a plane...

With no floor, and the passengers were hanging on a strap attached to the roof. The captain yelled: "The plane is too heavy! One of you have to fall to your death!" A Dane raised his hand and said: "I'll do it". Then all the Norwegians clapped their hands.


A Sad Story

So there was this man in one corner of a bar. He was alone. He looked sad, and on his table was littered with glasses, cans of empty beer, and bottles of half dranked wine; tattle-tale signs of a problematic man, drinking heavily to forget his grief. Every now and then he would give out a very heavy sigh.

Seeing as this man needed someone to talk to, I then approached the man. We talked about his work, his kids, and other stuff; you know typical guy to guy chit-chat.

We had more drinks, the guy started to become more drunk.

He started crying and talked about his problems;the dickheads in his work and how everyone hates him in the work place.Turns out he was big time. CEO of a well known oil company.

What I could not forget, was the conversation before he passed out from being too drunk.

"My wife made a millionaire out of me, " he said while sobbing like a baby.

I said, " But dude, isnt that like, a good thing? What were you before?"

"A multi-millionaire," then he passed out.


26 blondes and one brunet are on a plane

26 blonde girls and one brunet girls are on a play. They were flying along when they hit some turbulence. The pilot comes onto the speaker and says "the plane is to heavy we need to drop all unnecessary items." The people franticly grab all the thing they don't need and throw it out.

The pilot comes back on the loud speaker and says, "we are still to heavy we have to drop all the luggage." Again the people franticly begin to discard all there luggage.

The pilot comes on again and says "we are still too heavy we have to drop the floor.", so the pilot flicks the switch and everyone is hanging on by strap on the roof. When the pilot says "we are still to heavy someone has to jump.

Everyone is reluctant but finally the brunet (who is around 60) says i have live a long and happy life I will jump to save your live because you are still young and still can make something with your life. I am worn out and poor. I have nothing left.

all the blondes start to clap



An electrician dies. When he is at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter deems his sins to be too heavy to let him into heaven, so down to hell he goes. After a few months, Satan calls God up and says "This guy you sent me is GREAT! He fixed the air conditioning, got everything up to date, and I can't understand why you didn't let him into heaven." God thinks for a moment and decides that hell can't really be hell if it's pleasant, so he demands the electrician back. "Not a chance," says Satan. "Fine," says God, "I'll sue you." Satan chuckles and replies "Good luck finding a lawyer."


Does heavy lifting make you dumb?

Cause counting to 10 has never been this hard before


What is it called when a heavy gambler goes on vacation?



Having a chemistry teacher with a heavy Chinese accent is okay until...

Having a chemistry teacher with a heavy Chinese accent is okay until he tries to explain the difference between molarity and molality...


Nice Advice

One day, farmer Bob was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil (a heavy block of iron on which heated pieces of metal are shaped by hammering them into objects), then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
The dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" Bob said, and off he went.
While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts.
She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1155 Albert Lane?"
Bob said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my friend there. Let`s take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".
The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?"
Bob said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."


Du Hast

German heavy metal band Rammstein travels to Poland for the next stop on their international tour. As the airport official goes through their passports and checks them in, she asks, "Occupation?"

The singer replies, "No, no. Were just here to perform a show. We'll be gone by tomorrow morning."


What does Lenny (of Mice and Men) do during foreplay?

Heavy petting.


How heavy is a polar bear?

Heavy enough to break the Ice.


So I took this girl back to my place. While making
out, things started getting hot and heavy....

I take my pants off and give her a look. Offended, she says, "Woah, woah... don't you think that's being a little presumptuous?" So I replied, "Presumptuous? That's a pretty big word for a 12 year old."


Self Protection with heavy Flirt :-

Teacher :- Why are u sleeping in the class ?
Student :- Your voice is so sweet thats why i am getting sleep .
Teacher : - Then why other students are not sleeping ?
Student :- They aren't listening to u mam ...........



You've red some of the best heavy jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about heavy. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty heavy gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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