The Best 47 Heavily Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Heavily jokes. There are some heavily drunk jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these heavily liberally puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Heavily Jokes and Puns

Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.

The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute, Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."

"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"

What do you do?

So, you are walking around in a forest and see a girl lying on the floor, half naked and clothes tattered. She is weeping heavily, and you can tell she has just been raped.

What do you do?

You check your map, because you have been walking in a circle.

Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

Heavily joke, Cough Medicine

Three old-timers sitting on a bench...

The first sighs heavily, and says, "Looks like rain."

After an hour, the second says, "Hmmm, not sure."

After another hour the third gets up painfully and says, "If you two are going to argue, then I'm off."

Crappy advice

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

He asks the clerk:

"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist said:

"You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The clerk responded, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!


That's weird

A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whisky and drinks it all. Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whisky. Drunk, he orders a glass of whisky. Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whisky. Then he says,

"That's weird. The less I drink the drunker I get"

Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler....

The neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting heavily "give it to me!"

Heavily joke, Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler....

Now that it is 2015 we should all really be on the lookout for Marty Mcfly.

If it is only to forewarn him to invest heavily in Parkinsons research on his return to 1985.

Turns out that German pilot was heavily depressed...

He brought the whole plane down.

so many poor jokes, where to begin?

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead, all heavily pregnant, are waiting for a scan; the brunette says 'I was on top, so I'm going to have a bay', the redhead responds with 'I was on the bottom, so I'm going to have a girl', at which point the blonde bursts into tears. The other two manage to calm her down, and ask what is wrong? 'I'm going to have puppies!'

A heavily pregnant woman goes into labor in a retail store.

A crowd gathers around her as people struggle to help, or at least make her comfortable.

Panicked a man looks around and asks "Is anyone here a doctor?!"

From the crowd steps a man wearing skinny jeans and a plaid shirt, with short, neat hair and a scruffy beard. "I'm a vegan!"

You can explore heavily closely reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean heavily strongly dad jokes. There are also heavily puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


You're in a heavily guarded room with walls all around you, and you only have a mirror and a table. How do you get out?

Well...
You look in the mirror, you see what you saw.
You take the saw, you cut the table in half.
Two halves make a whole, put the hole in the wall.
You talk with the guards until your voice gets hoarse, you get on the horse and ride away.

A guy walks into a drugstore and sees a guy leaning heavily against the wall

He asks the clerk, 'What's with that guy?'

Clerk says, 'He came in with a bad cough and asked me for cough medicine. We were out of cough medicine, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative instead.'

The guy says, 'What?! You can't treat a cough with laxative!'

The clerk replies, 'Of course you can! Look at him. He's afraid to cough!'

When my girlfriend and I do role play sex she insists that I treat here like a 12 year old...

I don't know why she insists on it so heavily... I mean she will be 12 in just a couple of years!

A drunk's prayer...

A drunk man was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.

Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!"

So an atheist man lives in a over conservative Irish neighborhood...

... and calls a cab. The heavily accented cab driver says to him, "Before you get in, I gotta know your religion."

So he replied, "Oh, no, I'm an atheist, actually."

The cab driver stared at him a moment before asking, "Yeah, but is it the Catholic God you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

Heavily joke, So an atheist man lives in a over conservative Irish neighborhood...

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife left him 4 months ago

^^^^just ^^^^searched ^^^^and ^^^^realized ^^^^this ^^^^is ^^^^heavily ^^^^overused ^^^^and ^^^^reposted ^^^^I'm ^^^^sorry

My grandpa keeps complaining to me that my generation relies too heavily on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

A couple of ten years is in bed

They haven't had sex in months. The man unexpectedly starts caressing her knees, then her tighs. She starts breathing heavily. He caresses her waist, her belly. She closes her eyes and starts biting her lips. He caresses her breast, her shoulders. She's getting there.

"Found the remote!"


Breathing heavily, she asked me what I can give her.

Me: "I'll give you a hint, it starts with a D"
Her: "Oh yess, I can't wait!"
Me: "That's right, get ready for some disappointment!"

Having depression is a lot like winning the lottery!

I'm heavily taxed and don't want to tell my family.

A guy walks into a car.

Okay, so he wasn't so much walking as he was running at about 45 mph directly into my car. He was drinking heavily and was on his phone. It was totally his fault officer.

Why are octopuses so dangerous?

They're heavily armed.

What's the best thing for a hangover?

Drinking heavily the night before.

My friend held a bottle of water above his head, started counting and breathing heavily

I asked him what he was doing and he said "practising breathing underwater"

Obscene Caller

A woman answered a call from an unknown number.

"Hello," said the obscene caller, as he breathed heavily, "if you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."

Listen honey," drawled the lady, "if you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested"

I went to the bar today and asked the bartender to make me an Orange Cheeto...

"I've never heard of that," he replies.

"Well, nobody really knows what it's made of," I reply, "but I've heard it's heavily influenced by a White Russian."

Me, Standing next to a heavily pregnant woman at the bus stop

Me: When is it due?

Her: 9 days.

Me: 9 days? F*ck that, I'll start walking.

Fog father leaves his fog family

He is heavily mist

Police and driver.

Police officer: Your car is too heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I'm going to have to take away your driver's license.

Driver: You're kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce tops!

I googled Gary Oldman for some info, I was met with some heavily graphic images

My bad, I forgot the 'r'.

Two men are sitting in a bar...

...one of them is drinking quite heavily.

The other asks, What's the problem friend?

The drunk replies, I just found out my mother is a prostitute.

The other stands up, retorting, What?! I need to find that woman and talk to her!

The drunk responds, Sit down, it's not worth it. She doesn't even offer a 'family and friends' discount.

An octopus was killed in a shootout last week

Police say he was heavily armed

What country is the most heavily populated?

Brazil, they've got Brazilian citizens.

In a recent interview, Mark Zuckerburg's wife stated she wasn't bothered at all about being married to a lizard person.

But rather, she only took issue when Mark would drink heavily and behave erratically, calling it a reptile dysfunction.

What does the F in North Korea stand for

Freedom.

(Heavily inspired joke btw)

What does an Irishman say when you give him two heavily armoured vehicles for Christmas?

Tanks

Google has decided to heavily push a save the planet program.

They're making Al-Gore-ithms to help speed things along.

An American guy is talking with European in some bar in USA.

The American guy is saying: "I heard you have now some problems with immigrants in Europe."

An Indian bends from the next table and says: "Be aware of that, we heavily underestimated that once"

How to kill Darth Vader

Darth Vader: Breaths in your ear heavily
You: Stop breathing.

They call it "Black" Friday because heavily discounted goods cannot be returned, leading many stores to post:

"If you shop Black, you can't take it back."

Did the postman come yet?

No, but he is already breathing quite heavily.

I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

I've been investing heavily in stocks...

Chicken, beef, vegetable.

Soon I will be a bouillonaire!

A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to bits." The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck"

I don't like the new guy my neighbor has

He's awful if you ask me. Looks alone. Kinda short and barely any hair. Then he's lying in bed all day, and if he's not sleeping he's screaming at her. Also hitting the bottle quite heavily and probably didn't work a single day in his whole life.

I really can't figure out what people see in babies.

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.

After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain. Suddenly the female bird says to the male, "Dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the heavily luis jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working heavily badly piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes