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Heavy Jokes

161 heavy jokes and hilarious heavy puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about heavy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

A humorous selection of jokes featuring words with the prefix "heavy," such as breathing heavy, heavy metal, heavy equipment operator, heavy equipment, heavy rain, heavy lifting, massive, lighten, heavyweight, and more. These jokes are sure to lighten up your day and make you laugh!

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Funniest Heavy Short Jokes

Short heavy jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The heavy humour may include short weight jokes also.

  1. I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy. I just handed in my too weak notice.
  2. Why are there pyramids in Egypt? They were too heavy to steal and put in a british museum.
  3. How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is? Give it a weigh , give a weigh, give it a weigh now.
  4. The only reason there are pyramids in Egypt is because they are too heavy to be carried to the British Museum
  5. Why are the Great Pyramids in Egypt? Because they're too heavy and big to take to the British Museum
  6. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's big and heavy, the other's a little lighter.
  7. What's the difference between a hippo, a zippo, and a stick of glue? One is a heavy mammal and one is a little lighter.
  8. Why the great pyramid are in Egypt? Because they were to heavy too carry of to the British museum.
  9. Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
  10. How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is? Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now…

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Heavy One Liners

Which heavy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with heavy? I can suggest the ones about heavier and lifting.

  1. Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies... Delivered by crane.
  2. Why did eminem kneel at the half time show? His knees were weak, and arms were heavy.
  3. EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy WEB MD: Cancer.
  4. I like my women like I like my snow Heavy & wet
  5. What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.
  6. What do you call a heavy metal band With financial problems? Megadebt
  7. What's green and not heavy? Light green.
    Credit to my 10 year old for this one.
  8. What do you call a fat baby? Heavy infantry
  9. Forward, it's heavy. Backwards, it's not. What is it? A ton
  10. What is heavy forwards and not backwards? ton
  11. Whats blue and isn't heavy? Light blue
  12. Why are there pyramids in Egypt? They are too heavy to carry to the British Museum.
  13. What's a group of chubby newborns called? Heavy Infantry
  14. What do you call an overweight baby? Heavy infantry
  15. What's Santa's favourite heavy metal band? Sleigher

Heavy Metal Jokes

Here is a list of funny heavy metal jokes and even better heavy metal puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What kind of music do wind turbines like? They seem to be big heavy metal fans.
  • So I started a new band. We scream aggressively about how broke we are to heavy guitar riffs.
    We're called Debt Metal.
  • I don't always listen to heavy metal, but when I do... ...so do the neighbors.
  • Did you hear about that new heavy metal themed sandwich shop? It's called Pantera Bread
  • The death count nears 50 after scaffolding collapses and crushes fans at a rock music festival... Eye-witnesses say there was a lot of heavy metal.
  • Two windmills are out in a field... ...and one says to the other: "What kind of music do you listen to?"
    The other replies: "I'm a big heavy metal fan."
  • The plane turbine says to the candy... "What kind of music do you listen to?"
    The candy says "Oh, I'm into rap. What about you?"
    The turbine says "I'm a big heavy metal fan."
  • did you hear about the guy stuck in a heavy metal box? don't worry, he's safe now.
  • Why does windmills like heavy metal? Because they are a huge metal fan
  • So I heard wind turbines enjoy listening to rock music.. Apparently they're big heavy metal fans.

Heavy Lifting Jokes

Here is a list of funny heavy lifting jokes and even better heavy lifting puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Recently, i decided to quit my job at the construction place because i couldn't deal with the heavy lifting. I gave them my too weak notice yesterday.
  • I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev from a company called You Crane.
  • I hurt my shoulder and doctor told me i shouldn't lift anything heavy. So i'm forced to sit down when i pee.
  • The doctor said I can't lift anything heavy for the next two weeks I guess I gotta sit down to pee now
  • My doctor told me I can no longer stand when I pee and need to sit down. He said I'm not allowed to lift anything heavy.
  • Does heavy lifting make you dumb? Yes
    Cause counting to 10 has never been this hard before
  • Why couldnt Elon Musk lift the box? Its was too falcon heavy
    I'm sorry
  • I lifted my 100KG weights ten times today That was a ton of heavy lifting
  • I asked my couch-potato wife to go to the gym to do some lifting with me She philosophically retort: "Why should I? The burden of life is already too heavy."
    Me: "Indeed you are."
  • I tried making money flipping houses. but they were to heavy for me to even lift.
Heavy joke, I tried making money flipping houses.

Breathing Heavy Jokes

Here is a list of funny breathing heavy jokes and even better breathing heavy puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What is Darth Vader's favorite snack? (Breathe heavy for effect)
    "Coooo-Keees"
  • I turned back to my little brother and yelled "HURRY, CANE!!!!" And with much heavy breathing he replied "I'm sorry! I'm just not able!!!"
  • A boy asked a girl, what about, You and me,
    Tomorrow night,
    Side by side,
    Hot and sweaty,
    Breathing heavy.
    So, whadya say, wanna go jogging or not?
  • What type of heavy breathing do you hear during yoga? Yoga pants
  • I breathe heavy whenever I'm around woman's underwear. I guess that's why they call them p**....

Heavy Sleeper Jokes

Here is a list of funny heavy sleeper jokes and even better heavy sleeper puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I still occasionally fap over my ex Made a copy of the key to her place when we were together, and she's a heavy sleeper
  • My wife said she cheated on me Too bad I'm a heavy sleeper, I couldn't feel them all night.
  • I'm such a heavy sleeper that i still wouldn't wake up even if you... shot me in the face
  • Last night I m**... over my ex-girlfriend. I know it's not right, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.
  • I m**... over my ex-wife last night. I know I shouldn't but I've still got a key and she's a heavy sleeper.
  • An old girlfriend I j**... off over an old girlfriend last night.
    I know it's wrong, but i still have a key and she's a heavy sleeper.
Heavy joke, An old girlfriend

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about heavy can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of heavy puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Fun-Filled Heavy Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle

What funny jokes about heavy you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean huge jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make heavy prank.

I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

My 93 year old grandfather FTW

We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."
All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.
"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."

Oh, you!

A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."

the case for the lost bicycle

A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.
He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"
"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.
"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."
"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"
Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.
"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.
"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

A couple at the nursing home

So two residents at the old age home are about to hook up. They're getting all hot and heavy in the woman's room.
Suddenly, she stops and says to the man, "Before we go any further, I should tell you I have acute angina."
To which the man replies reassuringly, "At my age, I don't care *what* it looks like."

I came back from holiday in India with a really heavy case of diarrhea...

...but they wouldn't let me take it through customs.

A handsome black guy picks up a woman at the bar

They leave and go back to the woman's place for some drinks and soon things start to get hot and heavy. They start making out and as the black guy is kissing her neck she suddenly shouts out in pleasure, "SHOW ME THAT IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT BLACK MEN!"
So he stabs her and runs off with her purse.

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.
"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.
"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"

So there were two larger girls at the bar...

I went to the bar and overheard two heavy girls talking with an odd accent.
I asked them, 'Are you two ladies from Scotland?'
One turned to me and said, 'It's Wales, you idiot!'
'Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?'

I took my dog to the vet

The vet picked up the dog and examined him and said "I'm sorry, I've got to put him down".
"Why, what's wrong with him?"
"He's too heavy"

Three men are on a boat back to North America...

A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian are all heading back to their home countries after going on a vacation in Europe. Suddenly the boat starts to sink. The Canadian says, "The boat is too heavy, we need to get rid of some stuff." The Mexican says, "We already have too many of these in Mexico!" and he throws the tacos out of the boat. The Canadian says, "We already have too many of these in Canada!" and he throws all the maple syrup off the boat. The American says, "We already have too many of these in America!" and he throws the Mexican off the boat.
*apoligies for racism, I am not a racist person*

An older woman is watching the news

When a newscaster cuts in.
"Breaking news! We have reports of a car going the wrong way through heavy traffic on I-85."
The woman knows her husband is travelling, so she calls him up.
"Honey, some idiot's driving the wrong way on I-85. Be careful, please!"
Her husband practically yells back into the phone, "Thanks sweetie, but it's not just one; there's hundreds of them!"

My favorite joke when I was a kid..

There are four men on a small boat: an Italian, Chinese, American and Mexican.
The boat is too heavy, and begins to sink. The American yells "quick, throw out whatever you have most of in your country!"
The Italian throws out pasta.
The Chinese throws out rice.
The Mexican throws out oranges.
The American throws out the mexican.

A cop pulls over a car. He walks up, and smells a heavy w**... smell. The man turns to him, and his eye are redder than a Coca-Cola can. The cop looks at him and says, "How high are you?!?!?!?"

The driver responds, "He, he. No officer, it's 'Hi, How are you?'"

A man and his wife are having s**......

...They are going at it hot and heavy, and suddenly they hear a noise. It's their son, little Timmy, standing in the doorway. Shocked, Timmy runs back to his room.
The father goes, "I'll go talk to Timmy."
So he goes to Timmy's room and opens the door; there, he sees Timmy's giving it hot and heavy to grandma!
The father, disturbed, says, "O my god!"
Timmy goes, "Not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"

A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.

They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"
"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.
"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

I thought my dog looked a little cross-eyed...

I took my dog to the vet, as I noticed his eyes were strangely crossed. When I got to the office, I told the vet the problem with my dog. He picked up my dog and stared into his eyes for a while. Then he spoke up "I'm going to have to put your dog down." he said. "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" I exclaimed. "No." the vet said "Because he's heavy!"

2 Big Ladies

So two large ladies with heavy accents walk into a local pub, the guy next to them asked, "Are you two ladies from Scotland?" and they screamed, "WALES!" and then the guy said, "Sorry my bad, are you two whales from Scotland?"

A man takes his dog to the vet...

The vet picks up the dog and looks at him. After a moment he turns to the man. "Sir," he says, "your dog is healthy but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down."
"Why?" the man demanded.
The vet replied, "Because he's heavy."

"Mommy, why is my backpack so heavy?"

Allahu Akbar, honey.

If your car is too heavy

You can always use lighter fuel.

The widow ask the doctor "Why did my husband die?"

Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am"
Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!"
Doctor: "I know, but I did"

How heavy is a hipster?

One thousand instagrams

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's v**... on his sweater already...

Woman: Did you just quote Eminem?
Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam!

How heavy is a photon?

I don't know, but it's probably light-weight

Recently, a burglar in Paris...

Recently, a burglar in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his getaway vehicle stalled in the middle of the road. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring crime, and then be caught only a couple blocks away, he replied,
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

A man takes his dog to the vet to be examined...

The vet picks the dog up, looks it over, and then says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
The man asks why.
"He's heavy."

Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender

As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.
He asks the bartender, *"What's with the gorilla?"*
The bartender says, *"Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"*
*"Sure"*
So the bartender whistles and Mable comes lumbering down the length of the bar.
The bartender pulls out a heavy steel pipe and hits the gorilla in the side of its head. The gorilla drops to its knees and starts giving the bartender a b**....
*"Wow!"*, says the guy.
The bartender says, *"Pretty amazing, huh? You want to try?"*
The guys says, *"Yeah, sure! Just don't hit me so hard."*

Yo momma so heavy

She make memory foam forget!!!!!

Do you have any idea how heavy a chili pepper is?

Why don't you go ahead and give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle.

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle. The pilot over coms says
"There is to much wait on the plane, someone will have to jump off"
The Brit then goes to the exit of the plane and says,
"For the Queen!"
He then jumps off.
The pilot says
"We are still to heavy, one more person has to jump off"
So the Texan screams "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"
Then trows the Mexican off.

At the train station...

Lady: Excuse me Sir, is this my train?
Conductor: No Ma'am, it belongs to the Railway Station Company.
Lady: Don't be funny. What I'm trying to ask is if I can take this train to Busan.
Conductor: No Ma'am, it's too heavy.

I'm afraid I had to put my dog down today.

He was getting really heavy and my arms hurt.

Can throwing a round heavy object as far as you can be classed as a sport??

Discus

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British
If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German
If they retreat, they're French
If they switch to your side, they're Italian
If they apologize, they're Canadian
If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American

A blonde went to the doctor for birth control...

The doctor asked the customary question, "Are you s**... active?" The blonde responded, "Nope." So the doctor asked, "Well, what do you need birth control for? Heavy period?" The blonde responded, "No, I don't want to get pregnant!"
Puzzled, the doctor clarified, "I thought you said you weren't s**... active?" The blonde responded, "I'm not. I just lie there."

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.
"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace.
"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."

Elon Musk is reported to have written a short joke on his Falcon Heavy rocket.

I guess the real joke is in the comets.

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

An Irishman goes to a doctor

Doctor: I'm not completely sure what's bothering you Murphy but it might be because of heavy drinking.
Murphy: Oh don't worry doc, I'll just come back when you're sober

A thief stole a sine and a cosine.

He took the two identities to a beach. However, they were too heavy for him to carry.  He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine.
He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosine - but that resulted in tan! He did not want to get tan. So he stacked cosind over sine...
and then he got cot.

How do you Measure how Heavy a Red Hot Chili Pepper Is?




Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!

Widow: Doctor, why did my husband die?

Doctor: Heavy drug use, ma'am.
Widow: But he never used drugs in his life!
Doctor: But I do.

Me: *falls down

Mom: What was that noise?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: Sounded way to heavy to be a shirt
Me: I was in it when it fell

An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car

Aussie: Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.
Operator: What is your location sir?
Aussie:On Eucalyptus Street.
Operator: How do you Spell that sir?
Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute or so...
Operator: Are you there sir?
More heavy breathing and another minute later...
Operator: Sir, can you hear me?
This goes on for another few minutes until...
Operator:Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?
Aussie: Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell
eucalyptus, so I just dragged him around to Oak Street.

I had to put my dog down today :(

My arms were really tired and he's really heavy. I'm feeling better now so I might pick him up again.

A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls.

The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.
Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.
The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: For best results, put on two coats.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A hippos really heavy, and a Zippos a little lighter.

A family takes their sick dog to the vet.

The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."
"Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?"
"Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."

Rapper Eminem has tested positive for COVID-19

In a statement released by doctors, it has been been revealed the following symptoms: his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Not to mention that there was v**... on his sweater already.
Initial testing suggests that the cause is: Mom's Spaghetti.

Old Man sitting on his porch a kid walks by dragging a heavy steal chain.

The old man say, Hey Kid why are you dragging that chain around ?
The kid says, Have you ever tried to push one

A guy has been chatting to a pretty Chinese girl in a bar and offers to take her home.

At her place things are starting to get hot and heavy, especially when she says "So, anything you really really like?". He decides to go for it and says "I'd love a 69."
She turns bright red, slaps his face and says "You b**... men all the same...
"I'm not cooking beef and broccoli at this time of night!"

A farmer posted on his local subreddit that he was looking to hire help to fix his fence...

The farmer's wife asked him, Why would you look to hire someone from the internet? Surely they will not be up to the physical demands of lifting and setting these heavy fence posts!
The Farmer replied We need a professional, and I heard that there is no one more experienced than a Redditor at re-posting.

How do you find out how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is??

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!!

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with v**... on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

A Day Off

An man goes to see his boss..
Boss, he says, we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff.
COVID has us short-handed, the boss replies. I can't afford to give anyone a day off.
The man says, Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!

In order for The Mandalorian's ship to take off he had to ensure his crew and cargo wasn't too heavy.

This is the weigh.

How can you tell how heavy a chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!

The vet said she will put the dog down.

"But why?!" exclaimed the owner.
"Because he's heavy." explained the dogtor.
-taken from a cat calendar.

My friend asked me once "is Aurora Borealis heavy?"

Said no it's pretty light

In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....

I should mind my own bismuth.

Heavy joke, In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I c

jokes about heavy

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these heavy jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.