The Best 38 Heavens Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Heavens jokes. There are some heavens skyward jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these heavens heaven and hell puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Heavens Jokes and Puns

Running from a bear...

A hiker surprises a large Grizzly in the woods. The Bruin gives chase and as the man crashed blindly through the brush, he suddenly finds himself standing on a precipice overlooking a deep canyon. The bear is nearly upon him when the man in desperation shouts to the heavens, "Lord, give this bear some religion!" At that moment the bear drops to his knees in earnest prayer, "Our heavenly Father, Thank you for this meal I'm about to receive..."

Stamping out intolerance

A woman walks into the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

What denomination? asks the shop assistant.

Oh, good heavens. Have we really come to this? says the woman. I guess I'll take 50 Catholic and 50 Anglican.

Checkmate, atheists.

An atheist was
rowing along in Loch Ness and WHOOSH! The Loch Ness monster rears up in front of him, hissing and ready to eat. The terrified man said, "Oh God, help me!"

An angry voice booms from the heavens, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

The atheist says, "Oh, come on! Ten seconds ago, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Heavens joke, Checkmate, atheists.

An atheist in the forest...

stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"

At catholic school...

A nun teaching catholic school asks the children what they want to be when they grow up.

Mary says, "I want to be a prostitute!"

Shocked, the nun says, "What did you just say?"

Mary says, "I said I want to be a prostitute!"

The nun replied, "Oh thank heavens. I thought you said you wanted to be a protestant."


A purple man has a purple wife.

They have two purple kids and live in a big purple house. One day they decide to take a vacation, so they all pile into their purple car, drive it to their purple boat, and set out to sea. Sadly the boat crashes and they are stranded on a small island. The purple man looks to the heavens in desperation and cries, "Oh no! We've been marooned!"

Even the first puns ever were corny

The first pun ever recorded is in the Epic of Gilgamesh. It states that the heavens will drop kibtu which stands for corn. But kibtu was a pun for kibittu which means misery. I guess even the first puns were corny...

Heavens joke, Even the first puns ever were corny

Here's one my grampa told me when I was a small boy.

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" 

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."



When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch,...

... the psychiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

Alzheimer

The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..."
The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"
"You have Alzheimer's disease."
"Good heavens! What's the good news?"
"You can go home and forget about it!"

A guy's life gets really terrible...

So he prys to Jesus, and asks:

"How can I fix my life, Jesus?"

And Jesus revealed himself from the heavens, and said:

"Just turn it off and back on again. Worked for me."

You can explore heavens prays reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean heavens almighty dad jokes. There are also heavens puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth....

And the rest was made in China.

A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach...

...of an island and is surrounded by a group of warriors.
I'm done for, the man cries in despair.
No, you are not, comes a booming voice from the heavens. Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab a spear and push it through the heart of the warrior chief.
The man does what he is told, turns to the heavens, and asks, Now, what?
The booming voice replies, Now you are done for.

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.

Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in
her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,

"At least, they're finally together."

A man standing next to the priest asks,

"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband,
or Maria and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

A Catholic school teacher asks the children who they want to be when they grow up

A Catholic school teacher asks the children who they want to be when they grow up when one girl raises her hand and says "I want to be a prostitute"

"A WHAT???" yells the incredulous teacher

"A prostitute" says the girl calmly

"Whew thank Heavens, I thought you said 'Protestant'"

A Job Wanted

A dog walks into a job centre, goes up to the woman at the desk and says, 'Good afternoon, miss. I'm looking for work.'
The woman looks up, amazed, and says, 'Good heavens, a talking dog! Er... well, let's try the circus in town. I'll give them a ring.'
The dog says, 'The circus? What on earth would the circus do with a computer programmer?'

Heavens joke, A Job Wanted

Two kids were wondering if God is black or white..

So they prayed and asked him. A booming voice from the heavens answered "I am what I am." One kid said, "Well, I guess he's white." The other said, "How can you tell?" "Well, if he was black, he would've answered, 'I is what I is.'"

God's race

One day a black kid and a white kid were debating whether god was black or white. Their debate was turning heated when suddenly the heavens opened and a booming voice and God said "I am what I am!"

Upon hearing this, the black kid gave up his argument and agreed that God is white. The white kid was puzzled and asked the black kid why he changed his mind. The black kid said, "God just said 'I am what I am' if he was black he would've said 'I is what I is'"

Fairytales

You know what the two most known fairytales start with?

"Once upon a time" and, "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth."


A 65 year old man driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the senior. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

In the beginning God made the heavens and the earth...

...and from that point on everything was made in China.

Apple was doomed from the beginning..

..all it took was 1 byte to crash the good times of heavens.

I was going to tell a joke about the Heavens Gate cult.

It had a really bad punch line though.

A young tourist was attempting to sneak a quart of tequila...

...back from Mexico when the border guard stopped him and asked what was in the bottle.

"Holy water from the shrine of the Virgin Mary" replied the man.

The border guard opened the bottle, took a sip exclaimed , "This is tequila"

"My heavens!" Gasped the man. "Another miracle!"

A baseball pitcher is walking home...

after a long and exhausting game. Suddenly, bright lights appear in the sky directly above him, and a beautiful angel descends from above, wearing an umpire's mask and a catcher's mitt.

The pitcher looks up, gapes and thinks, "Heavens! She's so pretty."

Without skipping a beat, his shoulders slump back, his grin shines out of his mouth, he winks and says, "Hey baby. Wanna play some catch? Looking up at you makes me want to throw up."

Two sardines swim at the bottom of the sea. A submarine goes by. — Heavens! What's that?

— Just a can of people.

He arrives mysteriously. He helps others, performs miracles, gets betrayed, and finally ascends into the heavens.

E.T. was a great movie.

My wife wanted to name our daughter after something from the heavens ("Sky", "Aurora", "Luna", etc.)

We settled on "Steve"

I told my wife that last night I had a dream about a painter coming down from the Heavens to recreate her beauty on canvas

But after he saw her in person, he said that he had to return to heaven for more paint.

Mental hospital

A nurse at a mental hospital checks in a room to find patient Bob pretending to drive a car.

- Bob, what are you doing?
Asked the nurse curiously.

- I'm on a road trip to Canada.
Bob replied.

The nurse wishes him a pleasant journey and proceeds to patient Gary's cell to find him masturbating.

- Heavens, Gary! What are you doing?!
Asked the nurse.

- I am having sex with Bob's wife while he's in Canada.
Gary replied.

A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.

He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

"Doctor I haven't farted in 5 years."

A woman goes to the doctor and she reluctantly tells him, "Doctor I haven't farted in 5 years."

The doctor looks puzzled for a moment and he writes her a prescription. "Pick this up at your local pharmacy, and come back in a week."

A week later she comes back and says, "Doc I don't think those pills helped at all, and worse now everything stinks to high heavens!"

"Good!" he says. "We've unplugged your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing."

The stone has been rolled away for 38 days and Christ continues to chill with his buds.

God calls from the heavens, it is time.

But Jesus and his friends can't hear over all the partying etc

On day 39, same thing. Son, come sit by my right hand in heaven.

Still nothing.

On the 40th day, God hears that the music is especially loud and knows he'll likely be ignored again. So he grabs a very loud megaphone and yells May I have your ascension please! May I have your ascension please

Jesus Returns

A booming voice descends from the heavens. Jesus has returned. I have come to take you unto heaven. People on earth are besides themselves with joy. Thank you Lord, they scream, we are ready. Jews only! He says. But Lord, what about the millions of Christians? And Jesus says, what's a Christian?

A man walks into a bar. Looking visibly distraught, he orders his drink.

A man walks into a bar. Looking visibly distraught, he orders his drink. "Having a bad day?", the barkeep asks. "I guess you could say so. I just accidently time travelled back into the 20th century." "Really? What did you change?" "Oh heavens, nothing! I just went straight back to the present. Do you know how dangerous time travel is? Who knows what I might have changed if I hadn't been so careful. I might have caused a second world war."

My girlfriend came up with this one and wanted me to share with you guys. What do you call heavens toilet?

Halle-LOO-yah

John is playing golf with the vicar

He misses a three foot putt, and says "damn, missed the buggar."

The vicar warns him "keep talking like that and God will open up the heavens and strike you dead with lightning."

John then misses a two foot putt, and repeats "damn, missed the buggar."

Sure enough, God opens the heavens and sends down a lightning bolt, but it strikes the vicar and he falls over dead.

"Damn, missed the buggar." God says.

On the first day God created the heavens, the earth and the Conservative

Conservative looked around and said "eh, I liked it better yesterday!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the heavens this could be heaven jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working heavens heaven all night piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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