Heavenly Father Jokes

A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."

A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard.

Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned, "Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?" His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" asked his father. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom, flat on her back with her legs in the air, screaming, 'Jesus, I'm coming! I'm coming!' If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure!"

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932.
The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
“I invested that nickel in an apple.
I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”
“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.
“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He’s in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He’s in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well… every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

An aircraft is flying when all over sudden a bird crashes through the cockpit and kills both the pilot and co pilot.
Having heard the c**... a blonde flight attendant rushes in to find out what happened.
Once inside the cockpit the plane jerks and the cabin door slams shut and can't be opened.
So she pulls the captain out of his seat and sits down, taking the radio into her hands and says,
"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! The pilots are dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"
"I'm 5'4 and in the front seat of the plane."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio. "Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven..."

Who knows where Jesus is?

A Sunday School teacher was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Eventually, after living a full life, Tom Brady dies and goes to heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, God tells Brady, "As a reward for such a fine football career I am giving you a house. Now, not everyone gets a house up here, in fact it's quite rare. Tom, consider this is a personal gift from the Lord your God." The Almighty shows him to his new home and Brady is somewhat taken aback. The tiny home is more a shack with a faded Patriots flag flying over it. Still, Tom Brady tells God how thankful he is for such a special blessing.
After the Father gives Brady a short tour of his new home, Tom notices a three story mansion just around the block. The enormous home is painted in orange and blue, even down to the driveway and sidewalks. A huge Denver Broncos flag flies off a 50 ft flagpole above the house and a Tim Tebow jersey hangs over the front door.
Brady, a little perplexed, turns to God and asks, "I don't mean to be ungrateful Lord, but I was an all-pro quarterback, I won three Super Bowls, and I was inducted into the Hall of Fame last year." "What are you trying to say, my son?" Brady responds, "Well, why does Tim Tebow get a better house than me?" God chortles and replies, "That's not Tim's house. That's my house!"

In honor of Easter.. I present to you a small joke.

Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
"See here, old fellow," said Jesus kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is shining, you've got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play-- you're supposed to be blissfully happy! What's wrong?
"Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him."
"Tears sprang from Jesus' eyes. "FATHER!" he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, "PINOCCHIO!"

A mourning man goes to see Jesus

He walks up to messiah, eyes red from crying.
"Oh Jesus, he snivels", "I need you help. My father died and I ... I need you ..."
"My child, I am here for you, and I knew your father, he was a good man and is certainly in heaven now."
"Comforting as that is, Jesus, I fear not for his fate, what I need is ..."
"To pray with me, and fight through your pain and anguish"
"What? No Jesus, I need no prayers, my father lies dead on his bed, I need you to ..."
"Stay your tongue, not even I bring people back from the dead"
"That is not what I came to you for!" the man cries out. " The other carpenter is out on a business trip, so I would like you to build my father a coffin!"

A pilgrim is walking through the woods when he comes across a hungry bear....

...the pilgrim then drops to his knees on the trail and claspes his hands together to pray for salvation. To his surprise . . . so did the bear! Greatly heartened by this, the pilgrim then began to pray.
"Oh, Heavenly Father, please let this be a Christian bear! I don't want to be eaten by those evil n**... devil bears!
And the bear, to the great shock of the pilgrim, began to pray, too!
Kneeling there on the side of the road across from the pilgrim, paws clasped together, the bear prayed, "Oh, Heavenly Father! For this meal, which we are about to receive . . . we give thanks.

Thank god

Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.
"We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thank God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"
Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thank God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thank God," he said as he mopped his brow...

Little Johnny...

... came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?
His father thinking quickly said, Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.
Geee Dad that's great, said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!
What do you mean? said Dad.
Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming If it hadn't of been for Uncle Carl holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!

skipping church

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he
told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass
for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town
to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't
accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee,
he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from
the heavens and exclaimed "You're not going to let him get away with this, are
you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Oh johnny..

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, Mom, what are those things on your chest?
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven.
Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!
His father says, Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?
Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'

h**... tries to get into Heaven

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him that, because of severe overcrowding, all prospective heavenly souls had to pass an intelligence test to gain admittance. Are you ready? St. Peter asked?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg shrugged.
Very well. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T.'
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg thought and thought. He furrowed his brows and looked at his boots. Finally, his eyes lit up and he said, Today and Tomorrow.
St. Peter couldn't argue with that, so he moved on to the second question. How many seconds are there in one year?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg looked stumped and broke out in a sweat. He paced back and forth, kicked plumes of golden cloud dust, counted on his fingers and toes. Then it came to him: Twelve! he exclaimed.
St. Peter asked, Twelve? How did you come up with that?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg replied, January 2nd, February 2nd… There are 12 months and each of 'em's got at least two days.
St. Peter nodded. I can accept that! Now, for your final question: What is God's first name?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg smiled. Well, that's easy. It's Howard.
St. Peter stared at him. Howard? Where did you get that?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg explained, "From the prayer...'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...'"

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven...

...he is greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter says, "Forrest, to get into heaven, you're going to need to answer three questions.
1. How many days of the week start with the letter T?
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest thinks long and hard about these three questions. Finally, he goes up to the angel and says, "I've got my answers sir."
Peter: "Okay, Forrest. How many days of the week start with the letter T?"
Forrest: "Why, today and tomorrow of course!"
Peter, slightly surprised, says "well, that wasn't the answer I was expecting, but that is correct. Next, how many seconds are there in a year?"
Forrest: "Twelve."
Peter: "Twelve?!"
Forrest: "Yeah, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..."
Peter's more astonished than before at these unexpected answers. "Again, not what I was expecting, but correct. Finally, what is God's first name?"
Forrest: "Harold."
Peter: "Harold?!"
Forrest: "Yeah, it says so right in the lord's prayer. 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name.'"

A meeting at the Pearly Gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

Blonde Co-Pilot

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."

Praying and Sleeping

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.
The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.
St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.
St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O'Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.
Father O'Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?
St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O'Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!

Jesus was making his usual rounds in heaven

when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
"See here, old fellow," said Jesus kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is shining, you've got all could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play-you're supposed to be blissfully happy! What's wrong?"
"Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only , dearly beloved son at an early age. Here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him."
Tears sprang to Jesus' eyes. "Father!" He cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, "Pinnocchio!"

A man goes to confession at his church

He kneels before the priest and says, "Father, I'm afraid to confess something."
"Speak, my son," the priest consoles. The man looks nervous, but begins.
"Last night, my wife and I were having dinner together for the first time in a while. At one point, right in the middle of the meal, I looked up and noticed how ravishing she looked in her dress. Our eyes locked and a spark flew between us that hasn't existed in years and I couldn't help myself: I just grabbed her and tore off her clothes and we made love right there on the table."
"There is no sin in being passionate with your wife, my son," the priest says. "You have nothing to confess."
The man looks surprised. "Really? You're not going to kick us out of the church?"
"Heavens, no! Why would I do that?"
"Well they kicked us out of the restaurant."

Legs in the Air

Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

Three nuns die and get to the gate of heaven...

..guarded by st. Petrus. He says: in order to enter the gates of heaven, each of you have to answer a question to prove your knowledge about the holy father and his reign. So he asks the first nun: who was he first man on earth? She answers: oh, that's an easy one! It was adam.

And the angels sing and the doors open and she enters into heaven.
So st. Petrus asks the second nun: who was the first woman on earth? She answers: oh, thats an easy one! It was eve.
And the angels sing and the doors open and she enters into heaven.
And st. Petrus asks the third nun: what was the first thing that eve said to adam?
She answers: oh... Thats a hard one!
And the angels sing and the doors open and she enters into heaven.

An old man's brush with death

An old man who was recovering from a near fatal heart attack was sitting in a hospital bed with his family at his side. The old man's son cautiously asked, " Did you see. . . the light, Dad?" His father replied, "Why, yes I most certainty did!" Everyone in the room gasped and eagerly stared at the old man to tell more of his experience. His son asked " What did you see, Dad, did you see God?" to which his father replied, " There I was son, being carried to heaven by two. . . . two people." His son blurts out, "Who were these people!" The old man looks up towards the sky and closes his eyes, " It was Jesus and Muhammad, they carried me and told me I was going to be okay th..." The nurse in the room bursts out with laughter, which immediately offends the old man's family. The son stands up and says " Who do you think you are laughing at my father during his most spiritual moment!" The nurse says, " Excuse me for laughing but Jesus and Muhammad are two of our ambulance drivers."

Lord is my Savior

Father Jones was barely alive, clinging to the remaining wooden flanks of the sinking ship he was on. Rescue boats were busy rescuing other survivors in the ocean as soon as possible, but Father Jones wouldn't want any of that for himself. Being an ardent believer, he insisted *''Lord is my savior!''*, when a lifeboat came to rescue him. After almost an hour, another rescue boat came to search for anyone remaining alive, and they spotted Father Jones, who, as usual, insisted *''Lord is my savior!''*. The rescue boat finally went reluctantly.
Finally, after two hours, Father Jones managed to reach the Pearly Gates of Heaven. He prostrated before Jesus and said *"Lord my God, thank you for bestowing this grace upon me by showing yourself to me. I just have one question. All my life, I have firmly believed that you would always be there save me. Why did you not save me?"*
And Jesus spoke *"Well, my child, what do you think I was sending those rescue boats for?"*

Heavenly Water

Three men form a line in front of the confession booth at church. The first man enters the booth and says, "Father, I have sinned".
The priest asks," what is it you have done?"
"I lied at work today." Replies the first man.
"All will be forgiven, pray to God and go drink from the holy water across the hall."
The man exits and walks over to the holy water to takes a drink.
The second man enters the confession booth.
"Father I have sinned. I cheated on my wife. I was also in such a rush to confess, I shoved and cut in front of the other man in line to this booth. I am a horrible person.".
The priest replies, "Pray to God and drink from the holy water across the hall. You will be forgiven."
The second man leaves te booth to go drink the holy water.
The third man enters the booth, but before the priest could say anything the man said, "I peed in the holy water."

George Washington and two other people go to Heaven...

Mahatma Gandhi and two other people die and go to heaven. However, they're really far from the gates and must get there somehow. Someone comes up to them and says,
"I can get you a car to reach the gates. The car'll depend on how many kids you had when you were alive."
The first person says he had 2 children. The person replies,
"Well, that's not too many."
And whips up a sports car for him to drive to the Gates.
The second person says that he had 5 children.
"That's a lot!"
And whips him up a broken down Ford Model T.
George Washington had to get to the Gates by foot. The two other people were waiting for him there. When they asked why he had to do that, since he didn't have any children when he was alive:
"Some idiot told him I'm the father of my country!"
Oh, and thanks /u/reg8382748 for pointing it out, PRETEND GEORGE WASHINGTON KNOWS WHAT THE FRICK A CAR IS.

Story of a dizzy blond !!!!

This is a story of a poor dizzy blond flying in a seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She,frantic,calls out a May Day.
"May day! May day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and i dont know how to fly. Help me! Please Help me!"
She heards a voice over the radio saying:
"This is air traffic control and i have you loud and clear.i willtalk you through this and get you back on ground. i've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now,just take a deep breath. Everything wil be fine! Now give me your height and position! "
She says , "I'm 5'4 and i'm in front seat."
(Pause)
"O.K." says the voice in the radio.......
"Reapeat after me : Our father who art in heaven"

Two Jewish men are talking

[This joke is best when read with a heavy Yiddish accent.]
The first man says "Oy vei! This is a disaster! My son has fallen in love with this Christian girl. He is running off to become a Christian!"
The second man replies "Oy vei! My son too is becoming a Christian! This is a disaster indeed. We should go consult the rabbi and ask what to do."
So they go down to their synagogue and go up to the rabbi and say "Rabbi! Rabbi! We both have a problem. Our sons are running after these Christian girls and are becoming Christians! What do we do?"
The rabbi replies "Oy vei! My son too is becoming a Christian! I don't know what to do either. We should pray and ask God what to do!"
So the three men kneel down at the altar, and the Rabbi begins to pray. "Oh almighty Father in heaven, our sons are running after these Christian girls and are becoming Christians! What do we do?"
God replies "Oy vei! My son too is becoming a Christian!"

A little boy prays before going to sleep...

"Oh Harold, please give me a new bicycle. Please, please Harold, I'll be so good, I'll do all of my homework, and I'll e**... vegetables, just please give me a new bike, Harold."
The boy's mother walks by and hears him talking.
"Who are you talking to?" she asks.
"Oh, I'm just praying to God." the boys answers.
"But why are you calling Him Harold?" The mother inquires.
"Because that's His name. They told us in Sunday School."
*Our Father who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name...*

Maria is a devoted wife.

She gets married and has 17 children.Soon after the last child is born,her husband dies.A few weeks later she remarried and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.After the last child is born her second husband also dies.Within a month Maria is engaged to be married for the third time.Unfortunately,she becomes very ill and dies.At her f**... the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in coffin.He looks up to heaven and says"At last they are finally together".A man standing next to the priest asks,"excuse me Father,but do you mean Maria and her first husband or Maria and her second husband?The priest replied"I MEANS HER LEGS" Sorry for the grammar mistakes.

Little Johnny... Finding Jesus

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven...

One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven when an old man approaches.
"What have you done to enter Paradise?" Jesus asks.
"Me?" replies the old man, "not much, I am just a simple carpenter but my son makes me worthy."
"Your son?" asks Jesus
"Yes, my son. He was born under remarkable circumstances and underwent a miraculous transformation. He was loved by many and continues to be loved to this very day. His name will never be forgotten."
Jesus approaches the man and hugs him tightly, "Father!"
The old man hugs him back, "Pinocchio?"

Little boy asks his father about things under mom's shirt

He asks him: "What are those?"
His father didn't know how to respond to that question as his son was too young so he tells him: "Those are just two balloons."
But the kid insists: "What are they for?"
Dad, who is struggling with answering those questions, says: "Well, when your mommy dies, she will use those balloons to fly to heaven."
The kid was satisfied with dad's answers, so the next day, dad came home from work and sees his son crying.
"Why are you crying, son?", he asks.
His son, while bawling his eyes out responds: "Mommy is dying. This morning, when you were working, I saw our neighbour blowing her balloons and she was screaming: *Oh my God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"*

A 5 year old boy asked his dad...

A 5 year old boy asked his dad - "Daddy.. what are those bumps on mommy's chest?"
The father, a bit uncomfortable at the question, decided his son was too young to learn about female anatomy.
"Those are mommy's balloons, son", said the father. "And when she dies, they'll float her up to heaven."
"Ok daddy", said the boy.
A few days later, the father receives a frantic phone call at work from his son.
'Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!!"
Startled, he asks "Son, why do you think that?"
"Well", said the little boy between sniffles, "the next door neighbor is blowing up her balloons, and she's screaming to god that she's coming."

Little Billy.

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air.
Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

A father and a son

one day were walking down a road when the little Johnny sees a beetle laying on the ground with his feet up and asks his father "Dad what's wrong with that beetle?", his dad tells him that the beetle has died and has his feet up because it will be easier for God to pick him up to the heaven when he comes down. And the Johnny starts crying and tells his Dad that his mother was going to die too, Dad: "What, how!". Johnny: "This morning, she was holding her feet up and screaming oh God I am coming, luckily the neighbour was there holding her down"
sorry english not my first language.

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.
When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do.
Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the rabbi.
The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.
Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.
The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.

Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in
her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks,
"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband,
or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Jesus Christ goes up to heaven...

He walks up an old man and says "Excuse me but I'm looking for my father.
The old man says "That's funny! I'm looking for my son!"
Jesus says "Well, actually, my father isn't really my father".
The old man says "That's funny! My son isn't really my son!"
Jesus says "My father was a carpenter".
The old man says "That's funny! I'M a carpenter!!!"
Jesus throws his arms around the old man and say "Daaaaaad!"
The old many throws his arms around Jesus and says "Pinocchio!!!!"

Why Islam is growing rapidly !!!

Father Francis of Bradford was unhappy that the church attendance had steadily declined in the past few years but the mosque across the street was jampacked every Friday.
So he invited the imam for a cup of tea and then finally brought up the topic
Imam :So tell me,what happens if a man visits church every Sunday and follows the word of Jesus
Father: He will go to heaven after he dies
Imam: What will he get there?
Father: He will forever be in the company of Father,Jesus,Holy Spirit,v**... Mary...
Imam: Thats the problem, Only One v**......

Little David came home from school one day

...and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.
They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today.
What? his father replied.
When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'GOD, I'm coming, Oh God I'm coming.'
If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!